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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
 Posted - 01/09/2005 : 23:32:59
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Dear Elise,
I'm glad you found this forum which is, in my opinion, priceless. It is so comforting to get support from other people and know that we are not crazy. I think when doctors give us these diagnoses, i.e. "Menieres Disease" or "Mal de Debarquement" is that sometimes they run every test known to mankind and when they finally exhaust all those tests they've got to come up with something to tell us. I've read plenty on Meniere's Disease, back when I was surfing the internet trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. My problems started out pretty bad and have gotten better over time. But, almost daily I get the feeling of floating or rocking, if only for a couple of seconds. Tonight I was at a board meeting with a bunch of people and I was feeling anxious and the feeling came over me. Nearly every time I get it I can correlate it to some thought or feeling I just had prior. Like you, I have been like this for nearly three years and I think about it daily.
Yes, re-read Dr. Sarno's books. Read the part in both Mindbody Prescription and Healing Back Pain wherein he talks about dizziness. I originally got the book years ago, long before the dizziness, when I first started suffering from ringing in the ears. I'm so glad I found the book again and re-read it. The book and the CD's by Dr. David Schechter have been very helpful, although I think this website helps me the most. It is a place where I can vent, get answers, and journal my thoughts. I'm so glad you found it. Welcome!!!
Laura
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Carol
91 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 09:30:55
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TMS is amazing. As I said in previous posts, I have not had any trace of dizziness for several years, but am now battling back pain. The past few days have been especially bad, with the pain increasing almost daily. I had done several physical things that could have made things worse if the pain was physically based. I went x-country skiing twice and fell three times. The falls were simply loss of balance while standing still and not paying attention to my skiis. No reason for injury! I also had worked a day (I do some per diem work on an "as needed" basis), and was on my feet all day. Then, Saturday night, my husband and I stayed overnight with our grandsons so the kids could go to a Christmas party out of state and spend the night. The weather was terrible, I worried about them getting there and back home safely. Then one of the grandsons, who I had mentioned in a previous post as having been in the hospital with asthma and pneumonia, spent most of the night vomiting. I was up all night with him. After changing his bedding twice, and doing laundry in the middle of the night, I put him into a recliner in the living room with blanket and bowl, put on a DVD, (Shrek II -- very funny movie), and curled up on the couch. We each had a little bit of sleep, but not much!
Anywas, by the time I went home yesterday I was in severe pain and really exhausted. I slept most of the afternoon, but woke up to immediate severe back pain. Last night I again slept, but woke up to severe back pain again. Now - I was thinking of all the physical reasons for the increase in pain and decided I needed some therapy in the form of Dr. Sarno's video. As I watched it, the pain started to ease up. Then, to my astonishment, I started to feel the old familiar rocking feeling. I knew right away what was happening, that my mind was substituting one symptom for another, and the rocking sensation stopped almost immediately!
As I am typing this the back pain is a whole lot better, and I haven't had another trace of the dizziness. Maybe I am winning another battle, but I sure wish I could win the war!
Carol |
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elise8
USA
72 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 10:17:58
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Thanks for both of your replies, Carol and Laura. Sounds like stress and anxiety is contributing to all of our problems with dizziness. Like you both I also get a rocking sensation or floating, not sure what it is. I get almost every type of dizziness you can imaging.
The worst for me is that it wakes me up from sleep. I am really dizzy with my eyes feeling like they are jerking and waves of nausea and that "falling sensation in my brain". It all sounds so werid but I must be getting upset or stressed on a subconscious level to have it wake me up. My heart is usually pounding very hard also, not faster but just a pronounced beat. I really hate the evening times as it seems this floaty head and strange sensations in my eyes gets the worst. I believe when I get tired and fatigued at the end of the day or when I do not get a good nights sleep the symptoms are worse. Now is this TMS or just good old menopause hormonal changes. Maybe TMS can also be related to hormonal changes or inbalances. I am wondering if TMS can actually have psyiologic triggers, like hormones, nutritional deficiencies, etc.
Anyway another method that I have found VERY helpful, one which my chiropractor recommended (he is very mindbody orieneted) is called EFT. www.emofree.com It stands for emotional freedom technique, developed by Dr. Craig I believe. It really has helped me. I used it all day yesterday and plan to use it often. You feel absolutely silly when you are doing it but no more silly than when you are yelling at your brain telling it to STOP with the crap of TMS! Anyway check it out and let me know what you think. It is method of reprogramming the brain and can be used right along with reading Sarno's books I believe.
take care all.
Elise8
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 11:23:22
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Elise,
You said "The worst for me is when it wakes me up from sleep..." I don't remember if Dr. Sarno said this (he probably does) but I do know that Dr. Schechter has said that when we are asleep it is a very physically quiet but "mentally active" period of time. In other words, when we are sleeping and are brains are producing dreams, etc., the subconcsious is quite active. This is why many people wake up from sleep with pain and they do not understand why this is happening since they were asleep. Their minds are not asleep but rather are quite active. I think it might help you when you awaken to (if this is possible with the room spinning around) write your feelings or your dreams down in a journal. I wake up several times a night and usually it's from some very strange but profound dream I have had. After using the bathroom, I get back into bed and try to think about what the dream was trying to tell me. For example, I was molested as a child and there are some things about it that are still quite foggy in my mind. But sometimes I awaken from some horrendous dream and I analize what each thing is sybollically trying to tell me. It is interesting that you too have had the "rocking" feeling. Dizziness sucks, any way you have it. But the bright side is, with all the similarities we have I think we are definitely onto this nasty gremlin and if Carol can beat it, so can we.
Carol, I think it's interesting how the dizziness came back like that after being gone. We have been talking about it quite a bit and you know how that is with us TMS people. Sometimes just talking about things brings them on. Our brains are just so tricky like that aren't they? Good for you that you were able to think psychologically and chase your symptoms away. That rocking sensation sucks but our brains sure know how to grab our attention.
Today I've got my 15 year old daughter home from school. Today was the first day back after a three week winter break. Yesterday she was dreading it all day, to the point of crying. She told me she has really enjoyed being home and having fun with her family and friends and was not looking forward to going back. This morning when I went into her room so see if she was awake she said "I think I'm going to throw up." I told her to give it a few minutes and take some deep breaths and she'd probably be okay. I walked out and no sooner did I get down the hall when I heard "Moooommmmmm." I ran back and she had vomited all over the floor on the way to the bathroom. You know, I've heard of people actually making themselves sick and throwing up over taking tests, etc., and I really believe the mind is such a powerful thing that it can induce ANYTHING.
Take care everyone and try to have a motion free, pain free day!
Laura
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 15:40:34
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| Hi Elise, I'm so glad our little "dizzy group" is having more people participation. Like you, my dizziness started at age 46, when I started menopause. I am now 56 and still dealing with it. My symptoms were much worse at the beginning. And just like you, my fears seemed to feed it. I also had ringing in the ears and popping sensations which made me sure it was a physical problem. But after tons of tests, no doctor could find anything wrong. It was after 2 years of suffering and needing to quit a wonderful job, that I found Dr. Sarno. The vertigo improved tremendously but after all this time, I am still suffering from daily imbalance. I don't believe it is hormone related after all this time. I think it is just plain anger related. Sure hope this forum helps us all with continuous insight. Gina |
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 16:38:07
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Ginag, I went through years thinking my dizziness was a) hormonal, b) a virus, c) a misalignment in my neck (a chiropractor told me this - I swear I will never, ever see another chiropractor as long as I live) and d) through z) practically everything else you could possibly imagine. Is there such a thing as google-itis? I have spent so much time googling my symptoms to find out what's wrong with me. Nothing ever made sense to me. Even the diagnosis "anxiety disorder", while initially a relief because at least my feeling like hell now had a name, didn't really help me. I had no recourse, no way to fight back, until I found out about TMS.
The problems with dizziness is that the feeling is so frightening that it just builds upon itself. It's like pain in that way, I guess. It is utterly insidious because it creates its own panic reaction and by doing so can keep you going round and round. It's horrible. And incredibly effective, if its affect is to distract us from our feelings. I can't count the number of hours I've felt utterly trapped inside my own head, wondering what the hell is physically wrong with me! |
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elise8
USA
72 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2005 : 08:30:17
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You said it Hilary- the dizziness symptoms are frightening. For me the ones that wake me up are the worst. I had two dizzy free nights then last night, WHAM, at 1:30 a.m., and intense dizziness on my right side of the head/ear came on and came in waves so intense it felt like I was having a stroke, and with it the nausea. It got so bad I had to turn on the light and sleep sitting up for the rest of the night. Today my neck is extremely sore. I am so sick of this. Just when I think it will go away for good and have a couple good days, the demon strikes again. I tried to think about what has been angering me lately but nothing has, things have been going really well so just not sure what in the heck causes this. However, I am constantly angry at having this dizziness! The symptoms, however, are so real and horrible that it is very difficult to attribute these intense waves of dizziness to emotions. It also hits me sometimes when I am working on the computer at my job, especially early in the morning. I work at home on the computer all day and start at about 5 a.m. I had one doctor tell me that I should quit my job, that it is just not natural for us to sit and type all day, that it screws up our necks.
Anyway, I am going to do some more EFT techniques today to see if that helps. Also going to see my mind/body chiro who will no doubt say it is my emotions doing this. I hope he is right. I wish I could get this doubt out of my mind. It is so powerful. I found it much easier to get rid of my back pain that I had for 15 years, than it is to get rid of this dizziness.
See you all.
Elise8
Elise8 |
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2005 : 09:50:51
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| Hi Elise & Hilary, I've noticed that in both of your postings neither one of you are referring to the possible underlying anger that may be manifesting itself in the dizziness problem. I see that as a potential hindrance in succeeding with eliminating the dizziness. Of course, you may be acknowledging the anger to yourselves; but please keep in mind, sometimes it is very important to openly acknowledge this anger before you can begin to deal with it. I'm quite curious if either of you have been raised with "problem mothers." I'm just trying to make some sense out of this horrible affliction we are suffering with. Gina |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2005 : 11:22:38
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Some of you will know this poem. but for all TMS sufferers with parent problems - all of us? Here goes - insert the 'F' word - that's the one the poet Philip Larkin used, but if you can't stand that word, insert 'mess' it will do just as well.
They **** you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself. |
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2005 : 11:48:57
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Gina, in therapy I realized that yes, I was indeed raised with a problem mother who was intrusive, dominating, unpredictable, contradictory and unbelievable anxious (and, I believe, depressed). But it took lots of therapy to figure this out, and even now I always find this very difficult to talk about. Even writing it here is difficult. I still feel guilty for mentioning this and talk myself out of it ("they did the best they could" "I didn't have it as bad as some people"). I wasn't physically harmed in any way. In therapy I realized that there are many other scars; but I couldn't acknowledge for years the fact that my childhood hadn't actually been the picture-perfect fantasy I'd created for myself. Weird. It wasn't until I saw my brother suffering from the same kind of depression and anxiety as myself that I realized I had to get some help to figure out what actually HAD happened to me in childhood. And I'm still working on this stuff. I believe that the guilty, "I don't want to talk about this" feeling is another way in which I block myself from acknowledging rage. In recent days I've been trying to focus on the anger without judging it. I just spent 3 weeks with my folks over Xmas, and realized yet again that trying to protect my parents and feel angry at them at the same time is completely impossible. But the anger is certainly a very difficult area for me and something I'm very uncomfortable with.
ETA: therapy didn't stop my dizziness, but it did help a ton. My symptoms got better over the years. I'd really like to be free of this completely, though.
quote:
Originally posted by Ginag
Hi Elise & Hilary, I've noticed that in both of your postings neither one of you are referring to the possible underlying anger that may be manifesting itself in the dizziness problem. I see that as a potential hindrance in succeeding with eliminating the dizziness. Of course, you may be acknowledging the anger to yourselves; but please keep in mind, sometimes it is very important to openly acknowledge this anger before you can begin to deal with it. I'm quite curious if either of you have been raised with "problem mothers." I'm just trying to make some sense out of this horrible affliction we are suffering with. Gina
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Edited by - Hilary on 01/11/2005 11:53:39 |
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2005 : 12:01:08
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I do know that poem, Anne! I'm actually reading a book called "They **** You Up", about what families do to you. I honestly doubt I'll have kids - that just doesn't interest me, and I've often felt nervous about the impact I'd have on another life. don't know if I could handle the responsibility. I don't think I got great parenting, and I really don't want to do that to someone else.
quote:
Originally posted by AnneG
They **** you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2005 : 13:21:24
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Hi, all -
I've just returned home from my dental cleaning appointment and it's times like these I truly see how badly my parents f---ed me up. I'm afraid of everything. I've been seeing this particular dentist now for about two years and thus far have only had cleanings done because I'm so fearful of anything else. The last time I was there I had a full blown anxiety attack and thought I was going to pass out onto the floor. I had my whole speech prepared for them today, the things I was going to say when they tried to tell me that we need to "get started" on some of my dental work. I need about 8 or 9 new fillings, plus two new crowns, plus I've got two teeth that have receeded so badly that they need to do a tissue transplant (from the roof of my mouth - yikes!!!) to cover the gum that has receeded.
Today, they did their usual pitch and I realized that by avoiding this I'm not doing myself any good. I need to face my fears and NOT be like my mother, hysterical and afraid of everything. They said they had time to do two small fillings which are behind my two front teeth. I was shaking, I was downright terrified, but I let them do it anyway. The hygenist held my hand and once they numbed it (the worst part to me - loss of control, i.e. control that now it's numb and I can't make be not numb) I requested they put on a movie, as they have a big movie list and headphones. Well, guess what? I didn't hyperventillate, I didn't pass out, I was fine. (I highly recommend American Pie for a good laugh - raunchy but extremely funny!) Thirty minutes later, I was on my way home. I have my next appointment set because now I'm on a mission to get it all done. I am not afraid.
I just had to share that story with you. I know it doesn't pertain to dizziness, but sometimes I think that as badly as our parents mess us up, we have reserves deep down inside us that we never knew existed. I found mine today. Every time my thoughts would start to race and I'd think of my mother I would shift my attention back to the movie and feeling happy and relaxed. Or I would think of my two daughters and how much I love them.
For what it's worth, the doctor gave me a TMJ checklist, which I dutifully filled out, but I have to tell you I had everything on that list including "ear popping, swishing, ringing" and "dizziness." As a child (I was 9) I was climbing onto a roof with my brother and when I jumped off I nearly killed myself. My jaw took the worst of it and my teeth on the bottom row are actually slanted because of the impact. I remember to this day my brother bringing me to my mother and my mother screaming "Oh my God, she's going to die" when she saw the blood and the huge swelling under my jaw. I actually do have jaw problems and for all I know, they COULD be contributing to my problems. However, I still believe that TMS is at the heart of it all and that if I (we) can think psychologically instead of physically than we can chase this problem away. Some things are just conditioned, like my fear of the dentist. We are programmed or conditioned now to experience these "dizzy" "floating" feelings and just as we can condition ourselves to experience these feelings, we can reprogram ourselves, like Pavlov's dogs, to NOT experience them.
I am no different than you all, in that I focus on the dizziness constantly and try to think about how my life was before it started. But I'm starting to believe that there comes a time when you just have to live your life and stop waiting to feel better. Tomorrow is promised to no one, and if I waste today dwelling on how crappy I feel that I'm wasting my life.
I have faith that we can do this, all of us who are experiencing dizziness, anxiety, the whole thing. On my end, I'm going to go re-read Mindbody Prescription and listen to my CD's by Dr. Schechter. I highly recommend you guys do the same. And, thank God that we have each other and this forum.
Have a great, dizzy-free day everyone!
Laura
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2005 : 10:44:24
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| Hi Hillary, I find it amazing that your description of your mother fits my mother to a tee!!! Are we seeing a pattern here, girls??? Like you, I suffer with the guilt of admitting to myself and others the fact that my parents were awful. On the surface, they seemed like good parents. However, the emotional destruction they caused was unforgiveable. I still find it difficult to even think about their behavior to me. Even as I became an adult with children of my own, I resented my parents even more because I was then able to compare them to my behavior as a parent. It became obvious to me that they never really loved me the way most parents love their children. My parents are the only ones I know that treated their daughter that way. I always envied my friends because they had loving parents. As a child, I often wished my parents would change and become more like other parents. I'm sure many others on this forum had dysfunctional parents, but I still find it incredible that us "dizzy girls" seem to have mothers with the same personalities. My father wasn't as disturbing to me as my mother. So in my mind, my main problem stems from my mother. My mother was raised in a Catholic orphanage from an infant until age 16 because her mother died at her birth. My grandfather put her and her 3 brothers in an orphanage, married a girl much younger than him, and proceeded to have a family with 7 children while his first children stayed in the orphanage until they were 16. Certainly not a strong role model for parenting. Girls, did your mothers come from a disturbed upbringing? Let's try to see the similarities. Gina |
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2005 : 11:02:31
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| Hi Laura, You are not alone in the fears our mothers passed on to us. Like you, I've always been petrified of the dentist. I run screaming from insects. In 1969, my husband and I spent our honeymoon in the Poconos because we could drive there. I was petrified of flying, thanks to mom. However, I did rebel on that one and at the age of 32 became a travel agent and proceeded to fly about 8 times a year for the next 15 years. So there, mom!!! I wouldn't even get my driver's license until I was 26. Pathetic, isn't it?? Your last post reminded me of when I was about 7 years old, playing outside, and fell down and was crying. My mother came running out to see if I was badly hurt. When she saw I could get up, she started beating me because I really wasn't hurt badly and had scared HER!!! Strange reaction... Think I'll end for now - getting dizzy. Gina |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2005 : 11:36:34
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It has only been in the last couple of years - since my psychotherapist dug it up - that I can acknowledge that yes - my childhood was far from perfect, No abuse or neglect, but my mother was unable to be a mother in anything other than the feeding/clothing role.
She was, still is in fact, stuck in a childlike state where she does not accept that she has any need to be responsible for herself or anyone else - ever. She relied on my father utterly and completely. As a child he did the things that were usually done by a mother - put us to bed, came in the night if we had a nightmare - I would not have considered going to my mother with anything - it was always him. Yet he had to work full time and she did not work outside the home.
In a way, my father, brother and myself were a unit with my mother apart from us. I idolized my father and if I am honest, had no feelings either way about my mother. That caused me no end of guilt until recently. I now know that you can't just choose to love a parent - they have to earn that love
After my brother and I grew up and left, my father became very bitter towards her - they were always arguing and picking at one another. She had held him back from so many things. I hated going to their house and so did my kids.
When he developed dementia, my mother just handed over responsibility to me - my brother lives too far away to be much help. I had responsibilty for his care and had to look after their finances etc. My mother's mantra, ''I can't cope.'
It took some time for me to accept that my mother was not the way she was on purpose. She was one of three daughters and one son. Her mother, my grandmother idolized her son and had not much time for my mother and her sisters. The same went for my brother and me. Unlike mine, though, her father took no real active role in his children. My grandmother had made sure that my mother had absolutely no self-confidence.
So, yes - I fit the pattern, Ginag
By the way - I got so into reading these posts and posting my reply - that I've let a chicken burn in the oven. Oh well - pasta and sauce for dinner.
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2005 : 18:01:14
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Gina, thanks for your post.
This stuff is all so difficult, but I'm going to force myself to keep pursuing this discussion despite the fact that I find it awkward and painful and I have this sense of betrayal (to my parents) as I write. The confusion in itself is enough to drive me into a state of rage. My mother comes from a very disturbed background. Physical abuse, hard-core Catholicism, extreme poverty, family torn apart by religion and other crap. The Catholic part is significant (I see your mother was raised Catholic, too) because I believe it messed her up horribly. I wasn't raised in the church (my dad wisely wouldn't allow it) but I absorbed all sorts of strange messages about sex, guilt, shame, sin and retribution which I'm sure contributed enormously to my anxiety.
Actually, now I'm writing this I suddenly realize that Mum's horrible upbringing always made me feel as if I should feel very privileged to be given the opportunities I've been given (good education etc) because I know that she didn't have those opportunities. And, in fact, that I should do everything in my power to make her feel better about her horribly childhood. What a hopeless situation! And, thinking about it now, what a fertile ground for rage! She wanted me to have what she didn't and was very ambitious for her kids, so not making a success of myself (as defined by my parents) has made me feel utterly inadequate over the years. It's a catch 22, because everything has always been disguised as "we're only doing this for you", "we're sacrificing for you" with endless messages about "if you love us, you'll do or be such-and-such..." etc etc. I don't think I'm describing this very well. Anyway, the whole thing just left me in a constant state of confusion and depression (thwarted rage, I think) and anxiety and guilt.
The guilt is what gets in the way of really FEELING some of the outrage I felt at my upbringing. Like TMS it immediately plugs up the anger. Instead of rage, my thoughts get channelled into thinking about how rotten I am for even thinking this stuff!
I find anger very frightening. My mother was always angry when we were kids; but because anger had broken up her family she never allowed us to express any. She cannot bear for me and my brothers to fight or even mention that we're pissed off with each other. My dad never gets angry. Having said that, i remember that I used to have tantrums when very young, but I think I just sort of gave up on them after my dad secretly taped one of my temper tantrums, played it back to me and some family friends and had a good laugh about it. I didn't find it funny. I just remember feeling utterly humiliated and sort of vowing to myself that I'd never let myself be caught out again like that.
I keep editing this post and think I will stop for now. I edit myself socially all the time, and now I'm doing the same thing here. It's weird exposing this stuff to the outside world.
Thinking hard about this stuff is difficult but 15 mins ago my back was hurting - now it's not. Go figure.
I'd love to keep hearing from you guys what your backgrounds were like. I'll keep writing more, too. I really look forward to reading your posts.
quote:
Originally posted by Ginag
Hi Hillary, I find it amazing that your description of your mother fits my mother to a tee!!! Are we seeing a pattern here, girls??? Like you, I suffer with the guilt of admitting to myself and others the fact that my parents were awful. On the surface, they seemed like good parents. However, the emotional destruction they caused was unforgiveable. I still find it difficult to even think about their behavior to me. Even as I became an adult with children of my own, I resented my parents even more because I was then able to compare them to my behavior as a parent. It became obvious to me that they never really loved me the way most parents love their children. My parents are the only ones I know that treated their daughter that way. I always envied my friends because they had loving parents. As a child, I often wished my parents would change and become more like other parents. I'm sure many others on this forum had dysfunctional parents, but I still find it incredible that us "dizzy girls" seem to have mothers with the same personalities. My father wasn't as disturbing to me as my mother. So in my mind, my main problem stems from my mother. My mother was raised in a Catholic orphanage from an infant until age 16 because her mother died at her birth. My grandfather put her and her 3 brothers in an orphanage, married a girl much younger than him, and proceeded to have a family with 7 children while his first children stayed in the orphanage until they were 16. Certainly not a strong role model for parenting. Girls, did your mothers come from a disturbed upbringing? Let's try to see the similarities. Gina
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Edited by - Hilary on 01/12/2005 18:03:42 |
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2005 : 18:16:18
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Laura, I missed your earlier post somehow. Bloody well done for dealing with the dentist fear! That sounds like an absolutely gigantic mountain you've just crossed! - I'm in awe that you went for it AND have another appointment scheduled. (Can you get them to show you "American Wedding" next time? - that's pretty funny too!)
I hear you on feeling scared of everything: that's exactly how I feel. One thing I'm trying to wrap my head around right now is what Dr Sarno says about anxiety and anger being two sides of the same coin. I believe that to be absolutely true, but I always feel the anxiety rather than the anger. These days I'm going on an excavation quest for the anger whenever I feel anxiety. Sometimes I can figure it out - often, not.
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Carol
91 Posts |
Posted - 01/13/2005 : 08:07:09
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Good morning everyone.
I have been thinking long and hard about why it is that I've been so successful in beating the "dizzies", while you are still fighting it. I think the answer is in the fact that I never believed that there was a physical reason for the dizzies, while I am having a very hard time repudiating the physical when it comes to my back pain. I think I have also stumbled across the reason why I can't get past the physical, and it lies in my childhood.
I don't know how well I can talk about my childhood without talking all day, but here goes:
Unlike most of you, I had two problem parents. They were both emotional children. My older sister and I felt like the adults in the household for many years.
Both parents lost their mothers before the age of 5. My dad and his two brothers were put into an orphanage, while the sister was kept at home to take care of the house. Eventually my father's grandfather found them and gave them a home. Dad joined the service as soon as he was legally able to, as did both his brothers.
Mom had three brothers. My grandfather was a plumber and made a good living. He hired a housekeeper to live in when my grandmother died. She had put her three children into an orphanage because her husband died and she couldn't care for them. After a couple of years my grandfather married the housekeeper and took her children in and raised them as his own. They had one child together. It was a large and happy household, but my mother was very insecure. My step grandmother was a cold and unaffectionate person. Mom got her affection from her father and brothers. She grew up with the feeling that women were inferior and needed to be taken care of. She never learned to drive a car, and only worked for a couple years before she married my father.
My father had no women in his life until he met my mother. He resented his sister because his father kept her, she got an education, and the boys were shunted off to an orphanage. I never met her, and Dad never spoke of her.
So, my father grew up to be a male chauvinist pig, who dominated and used my mother, and my mother grew up to be a very insecure woman who felt that she couldn't make it without my father. Dad was a truck driver, very macho, who eventually became manager of the trucking terminal. He made good money, but used to go out on payday and spend most of it buying drinks for the "boys" at the local hangout. Neither parent had any emotional reserves to waste on parenting, so we just grew. My sister and I both left home as soon as we were aboe to.
I could go on all day about the problems that growing up in that home caused me and my siblings, and maybe I will do that another time. What I want to tell you about is my father's physical things, which I now know to be TMS. for my entire childhood and adult life I thought he was a hypochondriac. He was always popping pills, using Mustard plasters for various aches and pains, and had a permanent stiff neck. According to my mother he had arthritis of the spine.
I vividly remember how it was after he retired. He sat in his recliner and demanded to be waited on. If his glass was empty he would shake the glass so the ice rattled. That was my mother's signal to run into the living room to refill the glass. He resented it if she left the house, even to get the mail. God help her if she decided to take a walk around the block. She was not allowed to have friends.
My physical problems started the year I retired, the same year my husband was diagnosed with cancer. When I was told that I had arthritis of the spine I went into a panic. I could not get that image of my father sitting in a chair all day with all his pain pills and mustard plasters out of my mind. I was terrified that I was doomed to repeat his old age. Being a very physically active person, that was like living death to me. I had worked hard to keep in shape so we could do all the things we enjoyed so much, now it was time for retirement and I had a husband with cancer and I had "arthritis of the spine".
Thanks to Dr. Sarno I have managed to regain the physical functioning I lost while in a panic over my damaged spine, but the back pain persists. I know now that my dad was also a victim of TMS, and with his history he must have had tons of repressed rage!!
I'm sorry to go on for so long, but I have to tell you a story about my father that I think is quite amazing. If it didn't happen to my family I'm not sure I would believe it! My mother's entire family moved to florida while we were kids. For many years she did not see them at all. Then one of her brothers invited my parents to come down and spend a couple weeks. In an unusual display of independence Mom said she was going, with him or without him. Long story short, whey went and had a wonderful time. Mom decided it was time to move near her family. Dad reluctantly agreed.
The house was sold, and they had to move out in a month, when Dad suddenly was hospitalized for severe dizziness and weight loss. The doctor had an x-ray taken, whick appeared to show a blockage. the diagnosis was cancer. Now he was scheduled for exploratory surgery, which was just to confirm the diagnosis. the doctor held out no hope for recovery. I rushed home (I was living across the state). When I saw Dad in the hospital I had the sudden certainty that he did not have cancer. The surgeon talked to me about the operation, and I told him I thought he might have stopped eating because he didn't want to go to Florida. He nearly laughed in my face!
Anyways, the operation was performed and the blockage turned out to be complete compaction of intestinal waste, not cancer. The doctor was happy but baffled to report this to us, as he had been so sure. Then Mom was told that he had lost so much muscle that he would probably not be able to walk unassisted. Now, Mom was determined that she was going to Florida. She told Dad that if he was unable to go she was putting him in a home and going by herself. He had a miraculous recovery, and within two weeks was back on his feet to the extent that he could walk across the room unaided. They made the move, and had several more years before he passed away.
I don't believe that he intentionally made himself sick, but I do believe that he was afraid that he would completely lose control of my mother and she would no longer care for him. And I guess that I have gone on long enough. Thanks to all of you for listening. Writing this down helps to bring it all into focus. I tried not to be too long winded, but the story is complicated and I think it is much more important than I had realized.
Carol |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 01/13/2005 : 09:22:45
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Carol,
Thank you for taking the time to share your history. I feel that on this board, we should not be concerned with the length of our posts. I know I tend to lenghtly posts, but I write as much as I need to, to express what I feel, in the context of the situation. Isn't that what TMS work is all about? Isn't the problem with the medical/industrial complex, that due to the buck-chasing, patients are treated as machines, with no concern for their minds? Aren't we finding here, that the mind is the source of almost ALL our bodily problems?
A doctor, who took the time, to delve into the emotional issues surrounding his patients, would not stand a chance with his HMO bosses or colleagues in his group. He would slow up the assembly line and the system would crash. So I feel, at least, HERE, we can deal with the mind issues of our TMS. No one is forced to read what we write.
I am going through some problelms with my 84 year old father that your story helps me relate to. He has started to give up on life and just lies in bed and only gets up to eat. We recently took him to get some lab tests and he has an elevated prostrate level. We've known he has had prostate problems for years but he's never discussed them openly. My brother and I are having to bring the situation to a head and push him hopefully to do further testing for the prostrate, which he is very reluctant to do.
Knowing that going to docs is a double-edged sword, I can appreciate his reluctance. I would just like to see him back on his feet and more active for his health sake. I'm sure much of it is depression. I know he'll feel better if he just moves more and gets some circulartion going. Your story about your Dad reminded me of mine.
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/13/2005 : 11:29:32
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| Hi Everyone, When I did my last posting yesterday, I guess I really stirred up emotions for myself. I really had to end the post due to feeling dizzy. And this morning I woke up to severe back pain, which I sometimes suffer with a couple of times a year. It only occurs once in a while, whereas the imbalance and dizziness is constant. So today is a double-whammy for me. I've analyzed what happened yesterday to cause this, and the only thing I can come up with is that when I was writing on the forum about my experience as a child, I became furious at my mother. I'm positive that's what caused the backache and so, hopefully, I can make it vanish as fast as it came. I'm so glad that we are have great participation on our forum. Who else could we confide in and know that they will not judge us? In my circle of friends, not one of them would understand like you all do. You are all "my new best friends"!!!! Gina |
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Dizziness
