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campbell28
80 Posts |
 Posted - 03/09/2008 : 08:48:47
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I did a lot of volunteering while I wasn't working - also with about 3 different organisations; plus sometimes singing in 2 choirs, trying to write, etc etc. it was ridiculous. i was the busiest unemployed person ever, and it did make me anxious. like you say, its not being able to say no, not being able to stop.
what helped me stop was counselling, really. I kept saying I felt like I wasn't doing or achieving anything because I couldn't work; one counsellor made me write down a list of everything I was doing and it pretty much filled up a whole page. whenever I went to see the counsellor they would pretty much be saying ' i think you need to look after yourself; make time for yourself; be a bit kinder to yourself; maybe stop doing so much as its clearly stressing you out' and after about 5 months it finally sank in.
I had felt like I needed to do all the volunteering etc to prove to myself that I hadn't disappeared, that I still had some kind of status, that people couldn't say I was just being a layabout on incapacity benefit.
eventually i think it just reached a point where I realised how much I resented doing all this volunteering stuff. i felt put upon and guilty - like the more I did the guiltier I felt! Fortunately I got a virus or something at about the same time (hm thinking about it maybe that was a mindbody one too) and had to spend two weeks on the sofa watching TV. It was AMAZING. I didn't do anything, didn't think, didn't help anyone, i just sat and drank tea and watched Friends. and i didn't feel guilty, because I was ill.
i think that was what I had probably needed all along. funnily enough, i have been reading Eckhart Tolle, the power of now, and was reading it last night and got to a bit where he talked about peoples lives going through cycles. He said sometimes you have very active cycles where you do loads of stuff and have lots of energy. But at other times you will go through a period where you have less energy, are more stagnant, where it feels like nothing is happening. But those periods are actually just as important - like winter and summer, you need the quiet times for old things to die off and new things to come up from under the surface.
however if you try to fight against the slow times and push through them, you can actually get ill: your body will force you to stop in order to regenerate.
reading that really hit a nerve: i think some of that is very true. I know a lot of TMS theory is about fighting and challenging it but I also think sometimes you need to stop fighting; stop pushing to create some kind of 'normality'. just let go and lie in a heap for a bit, even if its only for a couple of weeks. Not giving in to the physical symptoms, but just letting your poor overworked anxious brain completely veg out. you don't have to prove anything to anyone.
or sometimes I try to imagine what I would say if I was an agony aunt and someone wrote me a letter about what I have experienced: ' well, i was at this horrible job which was massivley stressful, then I got RSI and couldn't even write a sentence and was living at home on benefits, then I realised actually i'd had a nervous breakdown and felt massivle anxious about everything and to be honest i still feel a bit mental. but i feel like i should be working hard and earning lots of money!'
and if i was the agony aunt I would be saying to myself ' for gods sake woman, no wonder you had a nervous breakdown! To hell with earning money! let other people look after you for a bit! sit on the sofa with some tea!'
so i think that can help. think about what you would say to one of your friends, if what had happened to you had happened to them.
i know this is all easier said than done. it took me a long time to break out of the cycle of feeling I had to do things, then feeling resentful for doing them, and I really do still have to watch myself so that i don't get into that pattern again.
but just keep reminding yourself what a tough time you have had: be kind to yourself, look after yourself. i find it really helpful reading your posts as well because they remind me how hard all this stuff is and how i do also need to look after myself.
good luck! |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/09/2008 : 23:28:41
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quote:
How do we break out of these perfectionistic, goodist habits? I know my desire to help, to always say yes, to be the perfect volunteer, comes from a deep desire to be liked.
What campbell said, pretty much. Awareness is the first step, that you realize that you don't really want to be doing what you're doing. And you start thinking about how it really looks from the outside. Then gradually you start feeling that inside, and counseling/therapy can be really helpful. Eventually you get better boundaries so that you can take care of yourself better.
Really feeling that feeling that you don't want to be doing this can help. That feeling is coming from deep inside, your inner child. It's a real, and a big, feeling. If you keep paying attention it will get bigger than the part that wants to run around doing stuff.
Also, running around is like distraction, only it's not pain, it's being too busy to think. So try to resist it consciously too, because you need time to sit and think.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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brightondebs
United Kingdom
21 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2008 : 03:01:43
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| Argh. Two weeks ago, after a year of being an unemployed web designer, I finally managed to get a job. It is the dream job: working for a charity, part-time as a project fundraiser and is nothing to do with web design which is all I've ever done. The problem is that ever since they offered me the job (I'm supposed to start April 7) my symptoms have escalated tremendously. Two weeks ago I was leading a relatively normal life with restrictions I had learned to live with. I even forgot about the pain sometimes and was sleeping well. Now I'm in pain all the time. I can't sleep, I have pins and needles, numbness, weakness. Walking hurts, sitting hurts, everything hurts! Also, my anxiety levels are sky high. What can I do? So, my brain/body doesn't want to work, I get it. But I really want this job, I've spent six years wanting a break like this. Help! |
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campbell28
80 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2008 : 05:57:31
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hi debs sorry to hear its all jumped on you again. i know i've written a lot of stuff about listening to my body and brain etc but i wonder if maybe its a job you really want it could be one of those times where you just say screw the pain and the anxiety and do it anyway?
Even though I was glad I didn't get the PR job I applied for last year, and even though doing the application made me feel awful, it was kind of like pushing through a barrier. I felt horrific at the time, but less bad afterwards. I still think the job wasn't right for me, but in a way it did help because the symptoms / anxiety backed down a bit afterwards.
i know we've had similar experiences but it does also seem that TMS is so individual so in the end i guess you will know what the right thing to do for you is; and what I did is not necessarily what would help you.
hope that all makes sense i have a bad cold and feel really spaced out! good luck with the job - it sounds cool, I hope whatever happens you feel OK with things. |
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2008 : 15:13:34
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Could it be that the fear of the unknown in starting this new job is part of the trigger?
I just read a quote I liked from the late Gilda Radner that says, "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've leanred the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."
I don't like ambiguity, I want to know what's going to happen next so I can be prepared, but trying to predict and prepare and control has caused me a lot of anxiety and other TMS stuff. When I was working, starting a new job was always stressful because it triggered that fear of the unknown.
Maybe once you get through the first week or so of the new job your subconscious will decide this job isn't going to be miserable, isn't going to be like past jobs that you haven't enjoyed, and then it can relax again. |
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brightondebs
United Kingdom
21 Posts |
Posted - 04/07/2008 : 14:55:59
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| Thanks guys. I was to start today but they delayed my start until the 15th which is just fine by me! I've returned to Fred Amir's book and I'm really determined to beat this. So far, the pain hasn't lessened but last night I slept like a baby! It was wonderful. I think I'm terrified about going back to work but I also think it's the right thing to do. Feel the fear and do it anyway kind of thing :) |
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Help! Hit rock bottom with doubt and depression
