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RustyShackleford
5 Posts |
 Posted - 05/16/2013 : 12:22:41
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Hello all I have scoured around the internet and believe in my concious mind that this might be the best place for myself to get help with some problems stemming over the last few years. I am not ashamed of any of my problems/actions so I am just going to vent if you don't mind and then possibly receive feedback.
My problems started in 2006, I was on leave from my last tour of Afghanistan. I was at the airport ready to return, something I had done numerous times before. This is the first time I ever had a panic attack but it would not be the last. I didn't know what had come over me but I knew I couldn't get on that plane. We were having a particularly bad tour that summer and my week or so back home had not given me time to decompress.
I notified my duty officer back at my Battalion that I was concerned that I was having a mental breakdown. His tone was something to the effect of "if I find out you're bull****ting I will court martial you".
This didn't really bother me at the time as I had reached my breaking point and didn't particularly care what he had to say. I must state that at this point my greatest problem was insomnia when I had been home on leave.
That evening I told my girlfriend at the time I would not be returning to Afghanistan that evening and that I would have to return to base in the morning to face the music so to speak.
Luckily the person who greeted myself back at base was the base chaplain. He listened to my problems and send me to a government psychologist at our military's headquarters in Ottawa. That day I was diagnosed with Acute PTSD and sent on my way with a prescription of some random Benzo and SSRI I'm sure and told to return in a week. I never filled that prescription.
Fast forward about a week and I learn that the person who was dictated to take my place as the gunner in our vehicle since I had not returned was killed by an IED on a convoy back to our FOB that normally I would have been gunning on. This sent me into a tail spin, knowing that I directly caused the death of a good man and also the fact that I would have been killed myself if I had returned to Afghanistan.
I am sure some of you are thinking that I am quite cowardess at this point and you are entitled to your opinion, I don't know what came over me that day in the airport but it was a force so strong that there was no way of fighting it.
So the military offers to pay for my college education. So here I am in 2010 starting my paramedic program. My sleep over the past years had stayed about the same, I would get maybe 4 hours of sleep but I am only 26 at the time and taking this in stride. My fiance now at the time is very supportive but she sees me changing as a person mentally. I have two children now and I don't give them the attention they deserve, I look at them and I see the faces of starving or sick Afghan children for some reason. My mind races at night when I go to sleep bringing me back to that awful place.
Going to school actually seems to do me some good, I am forced to concentrate on medical subjects which I love and I meet some really nice people who turn into life long friends.
Things go well until my last semester in the summer of 2012. I start experiencing chest pain daily. I am a young healthy individual I work out everyday I am a former triathlete. I walk my dog every evening and I work out at the gym every day at lunch. I shrug it off for a few weeks but my underlying anxiety gets the best of me. I start believing that somehow over my years of lots of physical activity I have developed left ventricular hypertrophy. A thickening of my left ventricles wall which means I could drop dead at anytime from a sudden dysrythmia. This all sounds crazy now after a year or so of clarity but this was my psychological state at the time.
I visit my family doctor and he gives me the puzzled look that most practicioners would give me in the upcoming months. Luckily a new cardiologist's office had opened up about two offices down. So he hears the terror in my voice and refers me for an echocardiogram. The technician administors the echo and herself and the cardiologist are amazed at how healthy my heart is. The capture the entire echo and my heart is now in that hospitals cardiology presentation as what a perfect hearts valves etc should look like.
So I walk out of the cardiologists office that day and of course magically the month of daily chest pain I had was gone never to return again.
The next day it is replaced by a headache that follows the entire pathway of my trigeminal nerve on the right side of my face.....you can see where I am going with this......
Since then my plague has been neurological "symptoms" I twitch all over but mainly in my calves, no weakness or atrophy so I am unconcerned with ALS etc....it is more annoying than anything. I have a daily headache that I can't get relief from and I have this brain "fog" some days where my cognitive function suffers greatly. I am still able to work as a high level paramedic with perfect performance reviews. I work daily in a city of about 1.3 million people so my call volume is high but I offer the best care I can even with our call volume.
Anytime I complain to GP's about my problems they give me a puzzled look and write a prescription, I have never filled one nor do I want to.
I am looking for help here as no physician in my area can help and I believe that my headache and muscle fasciculations are a result of a hyperexcitable nervous system. As these symptoms dissapear when I am 100% distracted at work or with my studies.
If anyone could offer some advice on what route to go down I would greatly appreciate it. I am so terribly sorry for this long post but I have never actually put my thoughts/fears down on paper and I just wanted to get it all off my chest so to speak.
I thank anyone in advance for their help and I hope you have a wonderful day. |
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tmsjptc
USA
124 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2013 : 14:23:40
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| Rusty, I don't have the same Afghanistan deployments but am retired U.S. military and currently work where they have had a lot of success with treating PTSD for Marines. In my learning about and recovering from TMS, I talked with the PhD that ran the PTSD treatment program and was amazed at how many similarities in treatment methods there are. I'm also writing because my primary complaint was tension headaches and know what you mean about brain fog and getting no relief. There are many folks on here much more knowledgeable than I, and I'm sure they will respond with helpful info, but I'm going to go out on a limb and offer my phone number if you'd like to call me to talk about some of this. It is 760-447-0406. Tom |
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RustyShackleford
5 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2013 : 14:35:55
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| Thank you for your offer Tom. I am currently at work but will definately take you up on your offer in the future. Have a nice day. |
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catmac
United Kingdom
57 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2013 : 14:36:30
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What a story Rusty...........welcome to the forum.
Have you read any do Dr Sarno's books? I also recommend Steve Ozanichs 'The Great Pain Deception'. Steve used to post on here quite a lot. You will find him on this forum under the name Steve O.
There are lots of good people on this forum who will be able to support and help you.
From your story a lot of your symptoms do sound like tms. I think the tell tale sign is when you are busy then you don't notice the pain/symptoms but when you stop that's when the symptoms appear. I had exactly the same so I knew there was definitely a psychological aspect to my pain before I discovered tms. Also, the fact that once you were told your heart was healthy you never had chest pain again. Your brain couldn't be fooled anymore with that one so it gave you another symptom, the headache. Tms is like that, once you suss it out it can create another symptom but eventually you will recognize it is tms and it wont send you into a panic. Its called the symptom imperative. Steve Ozanich discusses all this in his book
I hope this helps a bit. And can I also just say that I don't think it was in the least cowardly not to get on the plane that day. In fact I think the exact opposite. It was a very BRAVE decision. well done.
Good luck, and keep posting. You will get better.
cheers
catmac |
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chickenbone
Panama
398 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2013 : 14:39:06
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WOW. It sounds like TMS with underlying trauma - PTSD.
I would start (like I did) with Ace's KEYS, which are constantly updated on this site. Print them out and read them everyday. They will keep you on the right track and help you calm down. They can be extremely effective in relieving TMS symptoms, BUT you have to really internalize them.
I would also read Dr. James Alexander's book, "The Hidden Psychology of Pain" that provides a very comprehensive account of all the therapies, both professional and self-help, that are available today. I would seriously consider looking into EMDR Therapy, which is probably the most effective treatment for PTSD right now.
I think you need some serious help with your trauma. Unfortunately, a lot of us have not found psychiatric treatment to be of much help. I think Dr. Peter Levine is extremely good with trauma. Several of his books are "In an Unspoken Voice", "Healing Trauma" and "Freedom from Pain".
I hope this helps. Best of luck to you. |
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RustyShackleford
5 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2013 : 14:46:19
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| Thank you everyone for your help so far. I cried at catmac's words of encouragement with my decision to not go back overseas's. Whether it was right or not, it has been a point of much embarassment and a torturous burden on my shoulders for many years now. |
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gailnyc
USA
80 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2013 : 15:26:11
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Rusty,
I highly recommend Claire Weekes's book Hope and Help for Your Nerves. She writes very specifically about the physical symptoms of panic, many of which you have had--heart palpitations, headaches, etc. I think her words could greatly help you.
I wish you much healing.
Gail
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RustyShackleford
5 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2013 : 15:51:08
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| Thank you. I do have her audio version on my phone which I listen to at the gym. Maybe I should pick up a physical copy of it. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2013 : 16:20:18
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Hello love,
God bless you, you've been through quite enough and I applaud your raw honesty and courage in putting it all into words. Speaking our truth and reaching out to others is never easy, yet you have. I hope between us we can help you find your healing path.
The good souls here have weighed in with some excellent recommendations for reading. I'd like to offer another resource, one geared to veterans.
http://www.stressproject.org/multicitystudy.html
Welcome to the forum sweetheart.
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gigalos
Netherlands
310 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2013 : 16:51:24
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Hi Rusty,
What an impressive story...
Just wanted to say that I also had (and sometimes still have) the muscle fasciculations that you describe. I am convinced it is TMS in my case. Benign fasciculation syndrome (BFS) is what it is called by some and many people experience it.
You are not a coward!!! It takes a brave person to stand up and say you reached your limit... Even the most courageous and tough persons have their limit unless they are completely mad or extremely stable persons. From what you describe, you really reached your limit, any good officer would have refused to let you go. Think of it this way: If you had broken your leg, it would be legitimate to stay home. If you are broken mentally, all of a sudden it wouldn't?
take care and I hope you benefit from this forum |
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A quick introduction and maybe some help with ?
