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jennypeanut
103 Posts |
 Posted - 02/06/2013 : 13:57:05
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| When I hear my kids cry - which is often as one is still very little - I can often feel the pain response in my body. Either my head will begin to throb or my lower back or something else at times. my brain is conditioned to a stress response when they whine, cry, beg, or throw a fit. I wonder how many of you are in the house with young kids and HOW to teach my body not to stress in response. I think it's a lot of biology - we feel stressed as the parent so we can respond and tend to the child (food, shelter, etc.) I know it's not the same if it is not your child. I'm sure people still have a stress response to kids screaming, but it's different when they are your kids. Help! I think it contributes to my TMS. |
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pan
United Kingdom
173 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2013 : 14:22:20
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I can't answer the question but I just wanted to chime in to say I feel your pain...quite literally!
I have a little 3 year old lad and I find myself getting incredibly stressed and irritable when he whines or sulks etc and this all too often escalates into headaches, body tension and muscular issues.
Whilst I agree with your evolution thesis as to why we respond I'm also convinced that in my case much of my stress and anxiety is based around me feeling an element of resentment to my son in that he has diverted my wife's attention and that my life is now geared towards caring for him and many of my previous per toddler activities are on hold...being an older dad I think I also resent the fact that in my ways I perceive my old life to now be over.
Don't get me wrong I love my son but I'm also well aware that there is a raging conflict of interest going on between my inner child and the child I now have to look after and be subservient to.
Regardless of a deep and theoretical reasoning to all this as you have mentioned kids are stressful at the best of times and they are pretty much guaranteed to trigger off whatever stress response you are wired to have and if that is TMS, comfort eating or just kicking the dog then so be it. The fact that kids seem totally unable to conform to the TMS'ers stalwarts of logic, control and tidiness doesn't really help. :)
Wake me up with your amphetamine blast
Take me by the collar and throw me out into the world
Rock me gently & send me dreaming of something tender
I was brought here to pay homage to the beat surrender
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2013 : 14:58:12
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jennypeanut
Yes, raising kids is very stressful and demanding, but don't go convincing yourself through "unconscious mind excavation" that deep down inside you hate or resent your children because you and I both know that you don't feel that way at all. You love them more than life itself and would do anything in your power to make them happy and provide for their every need. Accept the fact that your stress, as a parent, is normal and, yes, this stress can contribute to your pain levels at times. Be as patient as possible and in those quiet times reflect a bit on how you react when your children make so many demands on you. ACE1's keys to healing may help as well as some stress reduction exercises: See http://tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=7765 |
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pan
United Kingdom
173 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2013 : 15:22:36
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Shawnsmith...as mentioned in the previous thread you started whilst I do believe in the unconscious etc I didn't really delve deep into to find the feelings of resentment I have mentioned here.
When I talk about resentment I'm not really referring to the abstract ideas lurking in my hidden unconscious but rather the real down to earth pissed off resentment of having to get up at 05.30 every morning, only being able to do long runs once a week, having to watch kids TV instead of sports and news and the list goes on.
As mentioned I love my lad to bits BUT life is totally different now and that generates real world stress, anxiety and tension and that in turn generates real world aches, pains and bodily tension. I didn't have to see a psychoanalyst to tell me I have elements of rage and resentment it's there staring me in the face early doors most mornings. ;)
Wake me up with your amphetamine blast
Take me by the collar and throw me out into the world
Rock me gently & send me dreaming of something tender
I was brought here to pay homage to the beat surrender
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Ace1
USA
1040 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2013 : 15:39:26
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| I agree again with Shawn. Some people are completely unaware of this irritation and hence what one may call unconscious, but like Shawn says it is this irritation in the moment that is leading to the symptoms. You have to decondition yourself to not be so sensitive to the screaming and use your affirmations here while trying to act as if its no big deal, just another sound. |
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balto
839 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2013 : 22:09:14
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quote:
Originally posted by jennypeanut
When I hear my kids cry - which is often as one is still very little - I can often feel the pain response in my body. Either my head will begin to throb or my lower back or something else at times. my brain is conditioned to a stress response when they whine, cry, beg, or throw a fit. I wonder how many of you are in the house with young kids and HOW to teach my body not to stress in response. I think it's a lot of biology - we feel stressed as the parent so we can respond and tend to the child (food, shelter, etc.) I know it's not the same if it is not your child. I'm sure people still have a stress response to kids screaming, but it's different when they are your kids. Help! I think it contributes to my TMS.
Hi Jenny, try not to over analyze everything. Kid wil be kid, they eat, poop, cried, and get sick. We brought them into this world then we have to take care of them. There are bad time and good time, we just have to take it all and move on. It is just that you love him much and his cry signal that there may be some danger to him. Being a loving mom, your protective instinct kicked in and you're stress out worry for him.
Try acceptance, try compassionate (to you and the child), and remember it is perfectly normal to stress out when caring for anyone (kid or mate or a sick loveone). Nothing is wrong with you, your body react exactly the way your thought/emotion make it. We over worked, we have responsibility, we have little time for anything else... of course anyone will stress out and we all know stress make changes in our body's biology and sometime trigger MB symptoms.
- Doing nothing and just wait for the child to get old and all your problem with him/her will be gone.
- Accept your situation and make the best out of it. Watch him smile, look at him while he sleep (what a wonderful gift he is from God isn't he?), ask some relative to help out when you need a break, just pray, watch a good movie while changing his diaper, just put a big smile on your face and take everything in stride. thing can only get better.
Change your perception about the situation, be proud and be happy, be loving and compassionate, he maybe the one who change your diaper when you're old.
Just a few year ago, being a Mr Mom, I cook and clean. I changed my daughter's diaper, feed her, sing her to sleep, took her to doctor visits, played toys with her... Yes I was stressed out, it was tough. But I was also lucky to saw she took her first step, heard she called me "dada" for the first time, Gave me lots and lots of big smiles...
Also, think about the thousand and thousand of couple who go through so much trying to adopt because they can have one of their own. We are the lucky one. I am very thankful for having my daughter. Some day you look back and you will too.
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No, I don't know everything. I'm just here to share my experience. |
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jennypeanut
103 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2013 : 14:35:33
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Pan - I think you're right about the resentment. I'm not aware that I resent them but my suppressed id does, I'm sure. I know this is behind the TMS theory and that some are against it, but against it or not I sometimes find that the bantering is a useless runaround circle. The simple truth is that the stress causes bodily pain.
Shawn - I love my kids, they are the greatest joy I've experienced in my life. I don't know if everyone feels that way in all honesty or not, but I do. Because I'm a stay at home parent I'm often emotionally spent and extra crying and screaming can really start to undo me at certain times. I think too that growing up in a home where the parents screamed at me gets brought back to the surface sometimes when I am being screamed at or even smacked in the face. Yes, I get smacked in the face and it's already happened twice today from an angry toddler! I think the screaming triggers old feelings, and it could do different things to different parents depending on their life experiences.
Balto - thanks for the encouragement and the funny way you put things. I was laughing out loud. I didn't mean to give the impression that I'm not thankful for them. On the contrary I thank God every day for the beautiful blessings that they are. I struggled with infertility and the fact that they are here is a sheer miracle. It's sad to me that their cries can get me unwound so easily. Like I said above to Shawn, I think it sometimes triggers the trauma I had growing up with very unstable parents. Anyway, I'm just trying to figure out how to get through the moments where the pain comes in response to the stress. I've thought about putting in ear plugs!
ACE - decondition myself to the screaming - YES! With affirmations!! I need to do this. The screaming can be like nails on a chalkboard. Do you suggest quiet affirmations in the moment to myself? SOmetimes I have broken into song and the kids either scream louder or stop. That always eases my tension.
THey don't scream any more than regular kids. I guess I should have explained my trauma and how it gets triggered. I don't know. I don't want to dig too deep, just get through it. |
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Ace1
USA
1040 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2013 : 19:05:23
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| Yes quiet in the moment affirmations |
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cakeflowfatt
28 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2013 : 23:54:17
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Remember most kids are like tms in reverse. You are seeing them spill ALL their emotions no holding back. The best thing you can do is help them communicate these emotions. Sometimes teaching is the best way to learn.
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stress responces -- for parents please
