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TaylorJoh
USA
113 Posts |
 Posted - 03/19/2012 : 20:28:36
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So, I've never spoken to anyone about this besides my parents. Everyone pretty much knows I'm way to attached to my parents, but they don't know I'm OCD about them.
I pretty much lived my life carefree and never really worried about anything. I had a wonderful life, I was independent and owned my own business. But I've always been close to my family, just not creepy close like I am now. What triggered that, was after my grandma died of complications from diabetes I wanted my grandpa to move in with me. I know he was lonely and on a fixed income. I wanted him to be able to use all his money to enjoy things in his life. My grandfather was in his late 60's but in really great shape, very muscular for his age.
So, we lived together for 4 years, he was my best buddy. One day, he was running around getting ready to go to bingo with my dad. I was watching him and thinking, 'goodness, he's in better shape then me.'
Later on that night, I had the most horrible feeling in my gut. I walked into my room and I had this sudden feeling that someone I loved was going to die. I called my mom and told her, I said I wanted to go to the bingo place to check on them. She said to stop worrying they were fine.
That night my grandpa came home, I was glad to see him, but that feeling never went away. He went to bed and sat in the living room, just waiting for the phone call or someone to die. About 1am, I heard a loud thud in my grandpas room. His face was all bloodied and he was foaming at the mouth, grabbing his chest. I called 911 and unfortunately, I didn't know CPR. And he died before the ambulance got there.
That turned my world upside down. I could no longer live in my house so I moved in with my parents. And that is when the OCD started. At first my mom welcomed me sleeping in the living room with her. We had 2 couches directly across from each other. She slept in the living often because she was a night owl and my dad had to get up at 4 am to go to work.
I would wake up 5 or 6 times a night to make sure my mom was breathing. I would then go to my dad's room to make sure he was still alive too. And that would wake him up. I became obsessed with what they ate and the fact that they smoked. They were always so patient with me, but they knew that it wasn't healthy behavior.
This went on for two years, I know, crazy huh? I'm still overly concerned with almost every aspect of their life. I check their online bank statements and paypal. I check their sales on Ebay. I snoop through their mail for credit card statements and other bills. I try to add everything they've made to make make sure they have enough money to pay their bills. If they don't, I pay whatever bills I can. This drives them crazy. My parents didn't start struggling financially until a few years ago. They were always so generous with me, so I just tell them I'm paying them back. They really don't like that.
The worst thing about all this is, I plan my suicide after my only parent left dies. I have been so attached to them all my life, they're my everything.
Well, so you see I have OCD when it comes to my parents. Now, what is ruining my life is, my mom told me her feet are always numb and cold. That is a sign of peripheral artery disease. She smokes, so she is a candidate. You know, it's not that I can't handle in the sense of taking care of my parents if something bad happens to them. But what kills me and I can't handle is if they are ever unhappy. I can't stand for a minute to think of one of them debilitated, sad or hurting.
So now, I can't get my mom's feet off my mind. I'm frozen, it's like I can't function. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I'm so miserable. And it could just be a TMS symptom for her. I don't know. But her feet are always cold and numb, that is a sign she has artery disease. She won't go to a doctor. She says she doesn't want to know if something is wrong with her.
And so now, my TMS symptoms are unreal. And I was getting better, until my mom told me about her feet. If my mom was a TMSer, I wouldn't be so concerned, but she's not.
Anyone have an advice on how to deal with my TMS symptoms knowing all this? If she doesn't go to the doctor to find out if it is artery disease or something benign like TMS, how can I treat my TMS? I mean, she really WON'T go. I'll just be stuck in a cycle of anxiety, stress and pain. And she just doesn't understand it, because she doesn't understand my type of personality. Well, any advice? |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 03/20/2012 : 07:27:27
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| I strongly urge you to seek professional help with a psychiatrist. |
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jaya
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - 03/21/2012 : 10:33:07
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| i live with ocd, not as bad as this though, im with dave...i think you have the wrong forum...when anxiety and ocd run your life, its time 2 throw in the towel and get professional help... ask yourself this question-how many time have you checked the forum for a reply? |
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catmac
United Kingdom
57 Posts |
Posted - 03/21/2012 : 14:39:55
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Hi there
I'm with Dave on this one, I think you need to see a psychiatrist to help you with your anxiety over your parents. Even if your mums cold feet turn out to be nothing I think you will look for something else to worry about as you are so terrified of losing them.
I understand as I too worry about my parents (mine are quite elderly now). I suddenly realised that I was wasting so much time worrying about losing them that I wasnt enjoying my time with them now.
I wish you all the best and am sure you can live a happy and fulfilling life, you just need some professional help to guide you for now. |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2012 : 06:15:35
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TJ,
Firstly, you're going to need some assistance around what you're dealing with, otherwise it's going to take longer.
Not sure you got the responses you're looking for, so I will attempt to see if I can offer you something. You sound very wound up my friend, tension and negative thoughts are obviously consuming you.
quote:
he worst thing about all this is, I plan my suicide after my only parent left dies
quote:
So now, I can't get my mom's feet off my mind. I'm frozen, it's like I can't function. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I'm so miserable. And it could just be a TMS symptom for her
I have been seriously suicidal, and I dont have a problem admitting it. At the time I had ZERO hope.....I had no power, and felt completely trapped....can you relate to this?
If so, you have to understand that this is a trick that the mind is playing....because the situation is never as bad as you think it is.
My problem at the time was a mind that was completely out of control, and negative......and this caused a massive amount of negative feelings. I call it a thought storm......it's scary, out of control and I felt like a victim.
Basically, 5HTP and L-Tyrosine, and CEASING TO BELIEVE MY THOUGHTS are the only things that saved my butt.
They're thoughts...and you don't have to believe what is in your head.
Does it serve you or your family to believe the thoughts that are in your head??? NO it doesn't!
This is all a form of TMS I believe....you're just obsessing over different things.....we obsess over our pain. 
I hope you take some positive action with all of this TJ.
Good luck
D
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Edited by - Darko on 03/25/2012 06:19:28 |
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2012 : 07:18:34
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Could your obsessive thoughts and actions be a transference of fear of mortality from your parents to you, because you do seem to be kind of one (family) unit?
The others are right -- some guidance is necessary.
"Bridges Freeze Before Roads" |
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My Mom, Dad and OCD
