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Kavita
USA
47 Posts |
 Posted - 02/02/2005 : 10:44:02
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I am sorry for posting again, but my last post left me feeling quite terrible about myself. It was unfair of me to write about the few not-so-great things a person has done without underscoring the numerous loving things he has done. He paid for my education, took me to the hospital when I was ill, transported me to and from distant universities without complaint, helped me the down payment on my house, and basically put all my needs before his own. How can I be so ungrateful as to talk about the private things that have happened, and make him look like a bad person when he is not? At the very heart of it, he is a wonderful man who has done some not so wonderful things. Releasing my pent-up emotions, though heathful for me, is unfair to him.
Sarno talks about guilt as a trait all TMSers have in common, so I know many of you out there can empathsize. Have you any suggestions on how to deal with the guilt, such as personal techniques or books? Thanks again! Sorry to clutter up the board!
Kavita |
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n/a
32 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 11:23:37
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Kavita,
It sounds to me like your dad has good traits and bad traits like the rest of us. He's human...you're human..He's done things that aren't right and has done some things that are right....so have you..and the rest of us humans. When I find myself caught up in cycling over and over in my mind the things I feel I did wrong I just keep repeating aloud to myself "It's O.K. babe, let it go."
Sometimes I go for a walk and say it in time to my steps "It's O.K., It's O.K., I'm alright..so I messed up, it's O.K., let it go".
Or something to that effect. I think by saying it over and over it talks to that obsessive part of my brain that zeroes in on the mistake I've made and calms it down.
Take it easy on yourself!
--LJ |
Edited by - n/a on 02/02/2005 11:25:15 |
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 11:27:54
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Nothing is ever black and white, Kavita.
Your dad had some good qualities. I hear that. He also messed up. That sounds like most of us, doesn't it?
You're starting to delve into the way you REALLY feel about your father. He's caused you a lot of pain. Buried down there in you is a lot of anger about that pain. You're starting to get to it.
It's in the child's best interest to protect the parent, at all costs. Look at kids who've been seriously abused: even they will scream and cry when taken away from the abuser. Children will ALWAYS blame themselves, rather than blame the parent, for something that goes wrong.
So, even now, as you start to think about how your father hurt you, your child-mind screams, NO!! Put the brakes on! This is too scary!
And what better way to put the brakes on than to make you feel guilty?
Your reaction is totally normal. That may not make you feel better, but guilt is part and parcel of this process of unwrapping your past. Your psyche's throwing it up as a way of stopping you experiencing your anger. Don't let it.
This may help. John Lee (Facing the Fire - a book which you must read, if you haven't already) says:
Though the object of your anger has a person's name, face and history, you aren't attacking the person because:
- The person isn't present.
- The person isn't to blame.
- Something the person did - not the person himself - is the object of your attack; and
- The person is no longer the person who did the thing you're attacking.
Your anger is with your parents in 1962, not your parents in 1993
So you are NOT being unfair to your father, because your father of today is not there, is not to blame, and is not the person who did the things you're angry about.
Look at it like this: in order to get to a place where you can REALLY, genuinely appreciate the fact that your father is "a wonderful man", you must first let rip (to yourself) about the things that he did that were "not so wonderful".
Hope this helps a bit. You're on the right track. Try not to let the guilt distract you. (It may help to see the guilt as another manifestation of TMS!) |
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Albert
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 11:28:02
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It's okay if you feel some anger towards him. That's part of being human.
What can I say? Life is messed up and sometimes people end up doing terrible things.
If you give yourself the freedom to be angry with your father, you'll have more freedom of mind to access the entire situation accurately. Both the good and bad.
The positive things your father did, didn't give him the right to do the negative things he did. You and your mother didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of his hang ups.
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Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 11:55:03
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What you described your Dad doing for you, well, parents are SUPPOSED to do those things for their children! That does not, however, give a parent the right to belittle, diminish, beat, shame and/or disgrace a child.
I'm working on this too Kavita.
My Dad almost had a massive heart attack right after Christmas. It was very unexpected. He had immediate surgery to fix the problem. They live 7 hours away, and I happened to be on vacation. I knew I could drive down, but I didn't want to. I felt nothing, actually, and that made me feel very guilty. So many times through the years I wished him dead, and that also flashed across my mind. I think I almost wished he had died. But I acknowledged and accepted those feelings and that, for me, was a huge breakthrough. (He's fine by the way, and left on a 2-week cruise a week after surgery.) |
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Kavita
USA
47 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 13:41:33
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| Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and giving me the benefit of your experiences. I will implement all of your strategies, and I'll let you know how I progress. Thanks again. |
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Need help dealing with feelings of guilt
