| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
 Posted - 01/30/2005 : 23:54:45
|
I wanted to share with the group my experience with repressed rage that came out in my support group last Monday. The discussion was focused on a member in the group who is trying to express anger. It took some time but I noticed that I started to feel some fear starting to creep in. At this point I'm becoming very familiar with this fear emotion which takes the form of shortness of breath and a body energy/ shakiness. The discussion turned to me and I explained what was going on that is causing my physical problems. The guys in the group are well aware of this but it feels good to talk about it anyway. After I said my familiar piece the facilitator asked me to do an exercise with the other members of the group. At this point I had to start to think how I was going to engage with the members of the group. The problem was that I was now thinking and no longer in the emotion of feeling the feelings, which in this case was the fear. At this point my fear emotion was starting to diminish as I was now starting to think. I told the facilitator that he was taking me out of my feelings because I had to start to think. After I said that I snapped into a rage state. I stood up and belted out as loud as I could that I did not want to be in my head. I sat back down and continued to experience the rage state which was very intense. After a time I turned back to normal state and I felt the adrenaline levels shrink back to normal. Then a short time later I began to feel the fear emotion again only this time it was much more intense. At this point the discussion passed to another member of the group so I just went with the fear emotion for awhile until it dissipated. I'm beginning to think that the fear emotion that I'm experiencing is an indication that there was more repressed rage coming up behind the stuff that just became manifest. In retrospect It would have been beneficial to get back into the anger but it wasn't my turn any more.
While I feel like i'm making progress on my TMS situation it is slow going and I haven't seen permanent dramatic reductions in symptoms but the good news is that I periodically have moments where the fear (pretty often) and rage (much less often) actually surface. While I did see some symptom relief from the above experience, It wasn't the biggest release that i've seen. My best TMS reliever experience happened where I expressed strong anger towards parents in the support group and let myself have a sustained cry afterwards. It was an intense experience of mostly fear and tears that lasted a good half hour. The next day was truly remarkable in that my symptoms were greatly reduced. Unfortunately it didn't last more than a couple of days and the symptoms returned.
I'm finding the support group to be extremely beneficial probably because we've been at it for about two years now and we've built up a level of trust, safety, and comfort with each other. (The group was started from a John Bradshaw inner child workshop). Also there seems to be a lot of power in numbers. There's another aspect of the group which is beneficial. I notice that my emotions often become triggered by other members of the group.
In closing I hope to follow AnneG's path and get to the point where I can feel increasing anger and decreasing physical symptoms. |
|
|
Tunza
New Zealand
198 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2005 : 02:50:50
|
Thanks for sharing that Miehnesor. I find your posts fascinating.
I've been looking into how I can feel my feelings of anger that have been affecting relationships with friends, coworkers and just about everyone I interact. I am so aware now how angry I am (I used to always say I didn't feel anger, only irritation) and the anger is beginning to erupt suddenly and sometimes at not-socially-acceptable times. I want to feel the "original anger" that was repressed and keeps coming up as a pattern in my life. I really like the idea of the emotional work that is done in The Journey process (designed by Brandon Bays). I have had some interesting stuff come up from my childhood when I've used the CDs but you have to stop the CD and open your eyes to write things down and so it's better to do it guided by a psychotherapist. There are some in my city who are trained in Journey work but I have to save some money before I can visit one. Apparently a guided session takes about 3 hours and they train you to do it yourself so you can follow up with any future issues that arise.
When I say I had interesting stuff come up it was not uncovering trauma that I'd forgotten about (I had quite a stable childhood). It's more realising how I've clung onto emotions that I didn't fully feel at the time. For example I have a huge fear of abandonment that affects my relationship with my partner as I get quite "clingy" with him and hate it when he does things without me. In a journey session that I did myself this memory popped into my head about a day when my father took my 4 older siblings on a hike up a mountain and I wasn't allowed to go as I was too young. I remember I had to stay behind with my mother and I was really upset.
Knowing my mother, she would have tried to distract me from feeling bad. She would have done because she didn't want me to be upset but I wonder if this meant I didn't let the feeling run it's course. She always told me you can stop a child having a tantrum by redirecting it to something nice like a toy or something (lots of parents use lollies). I saw a documentary about a new parenting technique recently where if your child felt bad you reflected it's feelings back to it. E.g. if it was screwing up it's face you did the same. If it cried you pretended to cry along with it and you said acknowledging things like "I know, I know, it's okay to be angry" etc.
The parents who tried it said they felt embarassed doing this in public (getting down on the floor at the supermarket with their kids even when they were having a tantrum) and that other people disapproved that they weren't telling their kids to be quiet BUT they decided to keep doing the technique because it actually shortened the children's outbursts. They felt the empathy from their parents and were happier overall.
Interesting stuff.
Kat |
 |
|
|
n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2005 : 02:31:21
|
Hi Miehnesor and Tunza
I'm sensing something in your posts that is very familiar - growing up in a pretty stable family, so no big issue that can be easily identified as the probable cause of TMS pain.
When I first worked on my awful back pain using psychology, I was convinced, and indeed posted on this board, that the pain was caused directly by the anxiety/depression I was experiencing. But as time went on, things became clearer in my mind. In fact, what was happening to me was pretty much as Dr Sarno describes - repressed anger - back pain - anxiety/depression; in that order.
If a person is conditioned from early childhood to keep the expression of anger completely under control because it is seen to be unacceptable to the extent that that person comes to think that they are never, or rarely, angry at all - the result can often be TMS or its equivalents.
Some societies encourage this type of attitude - my northern Scottish one definitely does. Accessing that anger as an adult can be difficult and pretty upsetting at first, the feeling is unfamiliar and in my case anyway, almost shameful - after all - the person who I admired most as a child - my father - never got angry and I got the message loud and clear that this was the way to be. Here I was all these years later having feelings of anger against the people I cared most about. Keeping those feelings under wraps was not possible, I needed to express them, so I did, to my husband, who was very patient and let me rant. He says now that he was just so pleased to see how much better I was as far as the back pain/anxiety lessened.
It sounds as though your men's group is allowing you to access your anger, miehnesor, it takes time, and the fear you feel sounds very familar to me, but you'll find as time goes on that feelings of anger will come to you in a way that feels natural and will not trigger TMS symptoms or fear.
Tunza, if you can find a good psychotherapist, you may well find that he/she can pin point things that will help you deal with your feelings. I know that my one did.
I know that many people with TMS don't need to delve in and 'uncover' the anger, but if your instincts are telling you that it will help, then in all likelihood, it will.
Incidentally, when I look back at my father's personality - never angry, always patient; he suffered from gastric upsets for most of his life. Nothing was ever found in tests. I believe now that was his form of TMS.
Best wishes
Anne
|
|
|
|
Tunza
New Zealand
198 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2005 : 12:31:21
|
Thanks Anne,
I agree with you about parents not feeling it's acceptable to feel ange. When I had panic attacks as a teenager our whole family had to go to a group therapy session so the therpists could see how we interacted (I was mortified and not all of my 4 older siblings wanted to attend).
Anyway, the therapists said that my mother never expressed her anger and as the child who was most closely identifying with her they said I was sensing her suppressed rage and it was making me anxious (this is like TMS divided between 2 people!).
My mother has had stress-induced symptoms (eg stomach pains) at different times in her life.
Kat |
|
|
|
Kavita
USA
47 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2005 : 14:05:16
|
Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences. I also came from a stable family, and somehow learned to internalize my anger. Thus, I too am now dealing with extreme anger towards a parent who, despite faults, is absolutely wonderful. I, too, have just started talking to my husband about it, and dealing the with the guilt that accompanies acknowledging/admitting anger towards a person who nurtured me from birth.
I think I also have to overcome the fear that expressing emotions (i.e. crying or screaming) is a sign of weakness in order to achieve release. It's amazing how much we can let behavioral norms/expectations interfere with our well being! |
|
|
|
miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2005 : 19:11:40
|
quote:
Originally posted by Tunza
Thanks for sharing that Miehnesor. I find your posts fascinating.
I've been looking into how I can feel my feelings of anger that have been affecting relationships with friends, coworkers and just about everyone I interact. I am so aware now how angry I am (I used to always say I didn't feel anger, only irritation) and the anger is beginning to erupt suddenly and sometimes at not-socially-acceptable times. I want to feel the "original anger" that was repressed and keeps coming up as a pattern in my life. I really like the idea of the emotional work that is done in The Journey process (designed by Brandon Bays). I have had some interesting stuff come up from my childhood when I've used the CDs but you have to stop the CD and open your eyes to write things down and so it's better to do it guided by a psychotherapist. There are some in my city who are trained in Journey work but I have to save some money before I can visit one. Apparently a guided session takes about 3 hours and they train you to do it yourself so you can follow up with any future issues that arise.
When I say I had interesting stuff come up it was not uncovering trauma that I'd forgotten about (I had quite a stable childhood). It's more realising how I've clung onto emotions that I didn't fully feel at the time. For example I have a huge fear of abandonment that affects my relationship with my partner as I get quite "clingy" with him and hate it when he does things without me. In a journey session that I did myself this memory popped into my head about a day when my father took my 4 older siblings on a hike up a mountain and I wasn't allowed to go as I was too young. I remember I had to stay behind with my mother and I was really upset.
Knowing my mother, she would have tried to distract me from feeling bad. She would have done because she didn't want me to be upset but I wonder if this meant I didn't let the feeling run it's course. She always told me you can stop a child having a tantrum by redirecting it to something nice like a toy or something (lots of parents use lollies). I saw a documentary about a new parenting technique recently where if your child felt bad you reflected it's feelings back to it. E.g. if it was screwing up it's face you did the same. If it cried you pretended to cry along with it and you said acknowledging things like "I know, I know, it's okay to be angry" etc.
The parents who tried it said they felt embarassed doing this in public (getting down on the floor at the supermarket with their kids even when they were having a tantrum) and that other people disapproved that they weren't telling their kids to be quiet BUT they decided to keep doing the technique because it actually shortened the children's outbursts. They felt the empathy from their parents and were happier overall.
Interesting stuff.
Kat
Kat,
It sounds like anger was not an acceptable emotion for your parents therefore when you had it you repressed it. I agree with AnneG that this is a good TMS producer.
Although I can never really know this, I suspect that a lot of my rage was generated in infancy. A big part of this can probably be attributed to the trauma that I experienced and the feeling of emotional abandonment by my mother during that time. My mom has told me that she felt abandoned by me and that her child did not love her. My way of dealing with my trauma was to shutdown emotionally. Looking back I suspect she was trying to get the love from me that she didn't get from her parents. Under these circumstances anger was something that was just not available to me. I don't believe that either one of my parents had the emotional maturity to deal with the problems that i had at that time.
When I was older I vividly remember my parents fighting in an out-of-control way with a lot of screaming. I also remember my mother leaving after these fights. I remember feeling abandoned by my mother during this time and wondering when she would come back. I suspect the fear that I experienced was a reinforcement of an emotional abandonment that happened to me in infancy. So I associated anger with abandonment. Anger was just too dangerous to have.
So now it's time to go back and experience some of that anger. I just experienced a little bit of it just now. |
|
|
|
n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 02:46:27
|
miehnesor, your feeling of abondonment in infancy is something that may well apply to me also - my mother was very ill after my birth and could not take care of me for the first few weeks - my father and grandmother did. This was not her fault in any way, but maybe that's where my rage at her started. I'm maybe delving too deeply here, but your experience makes me wonder.
You hit the nail on the head, Kavita - it's seen as unacceptable to express emotions like crying and screaming - they are indeed seen as a sign of weakness. I can only talk of my progress of course, but I have found that as time has gone on I am finding that de-conditioning has taken place and I can feel anger just as I would any other emotion and it has no destructive power any more.
For some time, though, I found that angry memories would appear unbidden into my mind - often on waking in the morning. It was a process, quite a difficult one, that led to a large part of my recovery from TMS.
Letting young children express their anger is so important, Tunza. My daughter and I are actively trying to let my little grandaughter do exactly that. It's hard but we are finding that so far it seems to be paying dividends - she is three. She is a very happy, confident little girl. In a way, she is a living experiment in 'emotionally literate parenting'. it seems to be working so far.
Another thing that became apparent to me during recovery; I had become way too sensitive to all physical feelings - my brain latched on to any little twinge, focussed on it and magnified it. It was noticing that this was happening that was the key to stopping it. Again, it took time, but de-conditioning kicked in and I now can view any little twinge for what it is - something normal and of no significance.
I know I have talked about this before, but reading on anxiety conditions helped me a lot with this de-conditioning process.
Take care
Anne |
|
|
|
Kavita
USA
47 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 07:05:35
|
| Thanks to all of you for your posts. Do you have any suggestions on how to release anger? I am finding that over the last couple of days I am uncovering more and more of it that I didn't realize was there. I am amazed at all the ways in which someone who is supposed to love me has insulted EVERYTHING I do. It is not reasonable to confront the person, because I was raised with the belief that a child does what she is told, and if I ever tried to point out something that seemed unreasonable to me I was told not to speak to my elder that way, and thus had to keep it all inside. Besides this is all in the past, and I do not want to destroy the relationship I have with this person now. However, the fact remains that I was made to feel so small, even emotionally abused (though is it legitimate to feel that way?) I would love some suggestions, I can't believe how badly I want to explode! |
|
|
|
Fox
USA
496 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 08:33:56
|
| Kavita - despite what you have learned about respecting your elders, you need to assertively confront this individual. You need to tactfully let this individual know how his/her actions and talk have angered you and how you feel that this behavior has been unfair and disrespectful to you as a human being. If you are tactful and honest during this discussion, you will not damage the relationship (unless the individual is so illogical or defensive that he/she takes offense, and if that happens, maybe you should put some distance between yourself and that person anyway for your own stability)....Also, on your own, try screaming about the situation. Get physical, too! Kick and punch the air (or better yet, a heavy bag wearing bag gloves) while visualizing the individual receiving the impact of your legitimate fury. |
|
|
|
Kavita
USA
47 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 09:37:07
|
| Thanks, Fox! Great suggestions. |
|
|
|
n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 09:54:53
|
This is a hard one to face, Kavita. I have to say that I have not confronted the person (my mother) that I felt most angry at - she is elderly and definitely could not have taken it. It all depends on how you believe they will react. All I'll say is - tread carefully. I don't mean by that, that you should allow yourself to be put down anymore - be firm, but as for going over the past, think hard if you will benefit or not.
Over the months the anger I was at last able to feel changed. I realised that my mother was a product of her upbringing and could not help being so needy and unable to do the things that mothers usually do. Give it time - you are accessing your anger now and it will become something that you can deal with much more easily.
As you say it is all in the past and you have to be sure that confronting someone will not rebound on you. In the meantime, is there someone who will let you rant? It's a lot to ask of anyone, I know, but it's a great way of letting anger out. You may very well find that the person who you rant to has issues of their own that need airing as well, so it can be a two way thing where they help you and you help them. Miehnesor's men's group sounds pretty helpful in that respect..
|
|
|
|
Tunza
New Zealand
198 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2005 : 12:57:16
|
Kavita, I agree with Anne on this one.
In your situation I know for myself that I wouldn't be able to articulate my angry feelings to the other person in a calm way. My body would get all involved and I would shake, speak with a trembly voice (with the pitch getting higher and higher). My speech would also speed up (being youngest of 5 children I grew up speaking quickly - in case I was going to be interrupted I had to get all my thoughts out quickly. Often I would start fading out half way through saying something into a mumble because I would start doubting that what I had to say was important).
I had a situation once though with a boss who kept on talking about his personal problems and crying on my shoulder (he battled with depression) when I was trying to work. I felt great empathy for him at first but then I began to dread going to work for yet another counselling session. It would leave me stressed and drained and my work was getting affected (only now do I know how angry that made me). He had a therapist and medication so I wanted to somehow express that it was not appropriate to do what he was doing. Over a coffee outside of work would be fine (we did get on quite well until this situation built up and we had been friends before he employed me so it was a little complex).
Anyway, I ended up writing him a letter so that I could compose my thoughts in a calm way and edit bits if they sounded too confrontational. I read it over a few times and put it aside to wait for the right time to give it to him. Not long after at work he started to tell me about his problems and got a bit tearful. I got the rapid, strong heartbeat and shaking hands that are my first warning of a surge of anger and I knew I couldn't listen to him anymore. So in his first pause I told him firmly that I wanted to talk to him about my not being able to cope with the force of his feelings in the work environment. He surprised me by being quite receptive and as we talked I felt the anger symptoms settle down so that I could talk calmly. I had the all the things I wanted to say laid out in the letter in my mind and it helped so much. I have never spoken about emotionally charged stuff so articulately.
The whole thing worked out really well and he said he hadn't realised the effect it was having on me. Our working relationship improved heaps. I never gave him the letter or even told him I'd written one.
Others on this forum have written letters to people without intending to give them to the person concerned and just that act in itself can be therapeutic.
Gotta go,
Kat |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
Rage coming out
