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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
 Posted - 03/24/2009 : 15:12:23
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I suspect then that you are right, he saw it as you having total control over your company and maybe that's why he was so keen for you to keep it up? Maybe he was thinking "she's mad, why would she give this up when it's going so well, I wish my ventures had been like this" ? Maybe he was angry because you had a choice and he didn't?
I would say you've found your topic for writing :) |
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LuvtoSew
USA
327 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2009 : 14:28:45
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Positivevibes- I have been following your post and wow, sounds like his course is really helping you and letting you get stuff off your chest. It does feel good just to let it out and talk about it hey. I so happy for you and am thinking about his course also. Sounds very
worth the money. Thank you for sharing all this with us.
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Edited by - LuvtoSew on 03/25/2009 14:39:00 |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2009 : 23:08:34
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Jeez, I hate it when I feel the sciatic pain thing. I'm feeling it today and I'm sure that it's worse because of a couple of things:
1)It's one week until my trip to Italy and I *AM* scared about sitting on the airplane for all those hours, and how it may affect my vacation. (Of course I will be doing sitting and standing on the plane, but still....) I need to work on this. I need to get my fear under control. Tonight I will do some writing exercises for this.
2)I got my period today, so it's possible that some of it is just real physical biological stuff. Sometimes all those hormonal changes do affect the way you perceive pain.
3)I have been dealing with some pretty heavy psychological stuff lately, and maybe my brain doesn't like it. Dr. Schubiner says (and in fact all the TMS docs say) that sometimes when you work on your problems the pain gets worse because your mind is still trying to create a physical distraction.
I have to admit that today for a short time I was wondering if I have some sort of muscle disfunction. It seems that whenever my piraformis muscle (or whatever it is in my gluteal area) gets "tight" the sciatic problem feels more intense. Sometimes it's a very sickening feeling. The best way for me to describe it is: it's like a physical manifestation of fear. I feel it, it sickens me, I feel afraid, that sickens me more, and around and around. Even just writing this, I realize how "TMS" the whole thing is.
I am trying so hard to be patient, waiting for this all to stop. To wake up one day, and have no more of this...and the day after that, and the day after that...to be free of it. I know that several veterans of this board say that you cannot put a time limit on the TMS treatment to work. I just wish I was one of those people in Sarno's books whose pain just disappeared after one reading (well, don't we all).
But that's not a productive way to think. I always seem to get a little depressed at "that time of the month" and then it passes in a day or two. So I'm not going to take my thoughts too seriously right now.
I also wonder: if I didn't have this trip coming up...if I didn't have ANY major event coming up, would I even be feeling this pain?
Well anyway, I've made a lot of major breakthroughs in the past few weeks and I'm very proud of that. My outlook on life has definitely changed.
I did more thinking (and writing exercises) about the situation with my husband. I came to this conclusion: I am not the same person I was 20 years ago, so how could I expect him to be static and be exactly the same guy from 20 years ago? That is a fantasy. And in fact, I have been more emotionally dependent on him than is probably healthy. When I really took a closer look at my relationship with him, I realized that in recent years I have become more childlike with him and he has become more authoritative with me. Not sure exactly why or how it happened, but I have decided to change it. I have decided to be stronger, more emotionally independent, and not so afraid of losing him....or afraid in general.
Once again, fear is at the heart of the situation. I think that in general, fear is at the heart of most TMS problems. Or at least...my TMS problems!
So I really feel better about things. I have also fortified myself emotionally so that if he begins to say things to me that cause certain feelings, I will be able to identify those feelings and help him to understand how his behavior is affecting me. THAT will not be easy...at least at first, I'm sure. I think that with time and work, I can fix the relationship and take things to a better level. Notice that I'm not saying that I think things will return to the way they used to be. I realize that would be impossible, because that is the past and we have both changed in several ways. What I'm shooting for is something new and better...sort of like a new beginning. Just realizing that things CANNOT be like they were 10 or 20 years ago was a HUGE hurdle to get past.
Quoting one of my favorite films, Grosse Point Blanke, "Oatman, you can never go home again...but you can shop there." (If you've never seen the film, I highly recommend it. It's a brilliant dark comedy).
Now, the next thing I need to work on is my fear. My life has been filled with fear from the time I was born. I grew up in a very anxiety and fear-filled atmosphere. So I must have some conversations with my fear. Yes, I am going to talk to my fear and get to know it better. This may prove to be the most difficult writing assignment yet, because fear seems to at the heart of almost everything in my life. If I had a nickle for each time I began a sentence with, "I'm afraid that...." I'd be richer than Donald Trump.
Too much of my life has been spent feeling sad or dissatisfied; emotionally tortured. And truly, there is no reason for it. It's all just perception. Perhaps I will also have a conversation with my saddness. I think that would be very helpful.
I can be a very courageous and strong person when I need to be, or when I really want to be. And other times, I can be a total nonfunctioning wreck. I remind myself of all the difficult situations I've come through, and I'm still here. And I think that even if I were faced with terrible situations in the future, I'd find a way to press on.
But there's a gap between those two extremes. That grey area of everyday life, where you constantly need to make choices about how you are going to handle this or that. Are you going to be strong and plow through, or are you going to let fear and procrastination win? Is this only my battle, or do others go through this every day as well?
I must admit that I haven't been doing everything I can to beat the TMS mainly because of this upcoming trip. I know it sounds counterproductive, but I'm still afraid to sit for too long. I've been doing a combination of sitting and standing at my computer. I know that I should probably just force myself to sit and conquer it, but (fear again) I'm afraid that if I'm wrong (or it just takes longer), I will be in a very bad place physically and emotionally for this trip.
So I'm nursing it along. But when I get back from Italy, I am going to test the waters. It might even happen IN Italy, or maybe even during the flight. It's the one thing I haven't followed through on; it's the one remaining doubt that I have. If forcing myself to sit a lot now makes my pain worse, it will not only screw up my vacation but my family's as well, and I can't do that to them. Argh, it's a brutal Catch-22. Sometimes it DOES feel like a structural problem...or I just wonder what the heck it is. And I fight with myself, reminding myself not to fall into that trap...to think psychological and not dwell on "physical what-if's," which ultimately lead me in a very bad direction and make me feel worse. |
Edited by - positivevibes on 03/26/2009 23:32:35 |
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marsha
252 Posts |
Posted - 03/27/2009 : 09:41:11
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My advice for what it is worth..
Let everything go for a while. Do not think about your stress and try to ignore the pain. Keep yourself busy.
You are over thinking and causing yourself more stress adding to your reservoir. The more you add to that reservoir the more pain you will have. Your pain and you problems seem to be taking over every minute of your day and you are probably dreaming about them all night.
Have a good trip. Plan on having a good trip. Italy is such a beautiful place to visit.
I lived in Siena for my junior year in college. It was one of the most wonderful times in my life.
Marsha
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 03/27/2009 : 14:51:01
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pv, don't be tempted to think structurally. The very fact that you can feel your pain come on during stress, and then feel it recede when you address those issues is proof enough that this is TMS and you are making huge strides.
Fear and conditioning are hard to overcome but slowly slowly it will happen. Try and relax about the trip to Italy, take some pain killers just in case you need them after the flight, rest, and then go out and have some fun! |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 03/27/2009 : 16:41:11
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Thank you all for your responses. Thank you for the link to the two stories! Panda, I'd never read your story, and I must say that wow, you sure have been through a lot!
I suppose the thing that troubles me the most is the scenario where my back begins to hurt and I have that "OH NO!" moment, picturing all sorts of bad things ahead.
Well maybe instead of thinking, "oh no" I should be getting angry and give the pain a good talking to. Tell it that I will not tolerate it and that (naah naaah) I'm going to have a good time no matter what. Dr. Schubiner eventually wants his patients to be able to laugh at the pain. I think I'll get there later. For now, I think getting angry at it would work better for me.
In the past few years, I've been on longer flights. One year ago this month, I did a nonstop to Tokyo and back! Of course at that point my back pain was different...it wasn't sciatic and sitting was not a problem. But I did it, nonetheless. My back did bother me in Tokyo some days, but other days it didn't -- and I was still able to have a good time, despite it all.
Sheesh, the more I learn about TMS, the more I just have to shake my head and roll my eyes....this is such tricky stuff, isn't it? Perhaps it's a matter of "psyching yourself out" as they say...convincing yourself that everything IS okay and is going to be okay. Mind over matter....to tell that panicky inner child to stick her thumb in her mouth and listen to what I'm saying, LOL. |
Edited by - positivevibes on 03/27/2009 16:43:08 |
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Plantweed
USA
109 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2009 : 14:31:35
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Great posts! I'm humbled at your honesty and courage.
So how was Italy?! |
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Doing Dr. Schubiner's TMS (MBS) course
