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fadoozle
33 Posts |
 Posted - 12/12/2008 : 11:34:08
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Hey everyone, I just thought I would share a resource that has really helped me start to let go of my perfectionism (or at least chip away at it a bit) and focus on something other than my various body symptoms. It's flylady.net -- I've known about it for years, but since I got sick again I have tried to implement the advice and it's really helped me shift my attitude. The woman behind it, Marla Cilley, guides you through household tasks and management, decluttering, organizing papers, etc.
I have spent so much of my life feeling overwhelmed and unable to move forward on any task, and this site helps me see that I can accomplish things one "babystep" at a time, as she calls it. To me this fits in with Sarno--the acceptance that we are perfectionists and that this leads to the unconscious rage. I feel like going against that thought pattern is helping me get better. Also, focusing on things I can control helps me obsess less about the things I can't.
Just thought I'd put it out there! |
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roxygirl577
USA
42 Posts |
Posted - 12/12/2008 : 14:01:04
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| thank you for this!!! =] |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 12/17/2008 : 09:48:32
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I don't know about this Flylady...
I think it could be great for some but not for others.
I checked out the link and although there is some good advice there, I had to shut the window down b/c I was getting very anxious thinking about how my clean, uncluttered house was not absolutely spartan and sparkling.
I think it depends very much on your particular brand of perfectionism. If you're paralyzed by perfectionism to the point that it keeps you from tidying up here and there when you can and cleaning as you go, then Flylady can help you get started and not feel that you can only clean when you have an entire day to devote to it.
But if you're already sort of anally retentive about keeping clutter from accumulating (like I am), if your house is cleaner than most of your friends' and family members' houses, if you're not living in "CHAOS" as Flylady says, "can't have anyone over syndrome," then this site might just be a way to feed your perfectionism and anxiety.
I have to remind myself that the house does not have to be perfectly clean all the time and that my friends like me for me. I try to remind myself that when I go over to friends' houses, that I have a good time with them even if there are dishes in the sink or a stack of unopened mail on the coffee table. Spending too much time on Flylady, might make me forget this. That's all I'm saying. : )
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fadoozle
33 Posts |
Posted - 12/17/2008 : 15:01:25
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I'm sorry that you felt overwhelmed by the website, Logan. Her spiel is really about just taking "babysteps" to creating a more organized home environment. For me, looking around at complete mess everywhere makes me more anxious, and saying it's ok doesn't make me feel any better. I have been trying to follow her advice (the "babysteps" link on the left is what I'm using) and my house is far from immaculate, but she's helped me put small routines into place (for example, doing just one load of laundry every day, but really sticking to that) has lessened my stress immensely. She even talks about how important it is to pamper ourselves every evening and let go of the martyr complex, etc.
Her book, "Sink Reflections", also goes into her story of battling depression for years, and is quite inspiring.
But to each his own, of course--just wanted to put it out there as a resource. |
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njoy
Canada
188 Posts |
Posted - 12/17/2008 : 20:23:04
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I looked at the site but didn't have time to really get into it. Looks good but if it makes me anxious I'll protect myself anyway I can.
I hope she talks about being married to a pack rat who won't let you touch his stuff. We moved a couple years ago and the man won't even put up bookshelves in the new house. He says he'll get to it soon ... what a mess. It's about half clean; 3/4 clean would be nice but forget about it.
I once did the Side-Tracked Sisters program. Fun books and very popular years ago. I did the whole thing which is a HUGE job to organize and implement. I even kept it up for a couple of months. Horrible. I was working my behind off for at least six hours a day including a solid 2 hours of cleaning. 7 days a week. Then there was cooking, childcare and pets, shopping, etc. on top of that. My house was sparkling, tidy, organized and ready for company -- and I was cranky, exhausted and bored blind. So I quit and now try to keep the health inspector from the door but no more than that.
Drives me nuts, though, because deep down I want spartan and sparkling. But I AM NOT going to be the one to do it. That much is clear.
Here's the best advice I ever heard on housekeeping for messy people with perfectionist tendencies: Never let a housewifely impulse pass you by. Peg Bracken, who wrote the hilarious "I Hate to Cook Book" and, later, "The I Hate to Housekeep Book". What she meant is if you suddenly feel an urge to do a chore, do it DO NOT say, "What's the point? I'd need hours to clean up this mess". Just do it the small job. You will find following these small impulses makes the big job much faster if and when you get around to it. Even if you never do, the better is better. |
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yogaluz
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 12/18/2008 : 08:00:38
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"I have spent so much of my life feeling overwhelmed and unable to move forward on any task"
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What a relief to hear another TMS'er express this. There is so much talk of perfectionism in Sarno's books and the profile of most TMS sufferers is one of high achieving, successful individuals. By contrast, my perfectionism manifests as stagnation resulting from my conviction that the outcome of my work won't be up to snuff and so I spend my time spinning my wheels and accomplishing nothing. (well, I do have two degrees, a husband and two children so I guess I can't say nothing. ). I am currently struggling with creating a career in art and not surprisingly, am having horrible dizziness which keeps me from being able to sit and focus on my work. My husband is always telling me "take baby steps". Sounds like flylady might be a good resource. Thanks! |
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fadoozle
33 Posts |
Posted - 12/18/2008 : 08:36:41
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Yogaluz, yes, this is the crux of FlyLady, and is my MO as well! I am afraid to decorate, afraid to organize a space, etc. because I'm afraid of not doing it "right", so my answer is to do nothing...and this has had enormous consequences for me in terms of my stress levels. FlyLady is all about just doing one little thing, building one little habit. And she is very forgiving: if you fall off the bandwagon, she says to just "jump in where you are". All the advice she dispenses on that website is completely free of charge, too. On the surface it's about household maintenance but it goes a lot deeper than that to the core of how we treat ourselves and our families, and how our perfectionism paralyzes us and actually makes things worse.
I find this in total alignment with Sarno. There is a passage in MBP from a man who is advising how to "do" Sarno and he says that once you make that list of things that are bothering you, you can tackle the things you *can* control and try not to worry about the things you can't. So this whole FlyLady thing is helping me with the former category...a wee bit. |
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Effie
USA
46 Posts |
Posted - 12/29/2008 : 17:14:21
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Thanks so much for the link - I signed up for her e-mails. I haven't actually started cleaning yet, but I'm getting inspired to! I like how she has you take one room at a time and do certain things to it. I think if I follow her plans, I might actually have a clean house someday! I'm definitely NOT a perfectionist, her site scared me because it just seemed overwhelming trying to do all that cleaning -- I work full-time and especially before I discovered I had TMS, I got way behind on the house cleaning due to the severe pain I was in, and I've never quite caught up again, and the thought of trying to do it all is so overwhelming. Plus I figure worrying about how clean my house is, is another stressor that I just don't need right now! But as much as I hate to admit it, having a dirty house is even more stressful! But her e-mails are great, and I think if I try taking her suggestions one week at a time I may be able to do it!  |
Edited by - Effie on 12/29/2008 17:16:08 |
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FLYLADY as a way to let go of perfectionism
