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johnaccardi
USA
182 Posts |
 Posted - 11/02/2008 : 18:09:16
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I've been doing great. I've been journaling, reading, forcing thoughts to the psychological, and I have seen a small improvement in both my mental state and physical symptom.
Recently however, I noticed the symptom coming back a bit and it's because I have been furious at my roommate. I know he's making me unconsciously furious but I have also felt conscious anger toward him that I suppress every time.
My roommate is someone who I met last year and thought he was my friend, so I roomed with him this year. All year he's been trouble, but recently It has gotten really bad and I'm angry about it all the time. He basically puts me down to put himself up...he kind of verbally bullies me. If I do something wrong or say something wrong, he will destroy me for it. He gets very loud and sarcastic, it really pisses me off. I want to kill this kid. Also, I fear drinking alcohol because of this whole mouth symptom...the symptom still gets much worse when I drink. My roommate can sense that I never want to drink and so he pressures me like crazy to drink especially in front of others. This kid's disgusting!
I want to be assertive, I want to verbally yell at him. But then I start to think of my mouth and how I can't get the words out. So, I don't do anything. This is making the symptom worse because I'm putting more attention on it and blaming it for not being able to stand up to my roommate.
I don't want to change rooms and I don't want things to be ackward all year. What should I do? Can journaling help here? I'm constantly in fear of this kid, he makes me miserable.
I seem to let out my anger physically since I can't do it verbally. Over the summer my dad angered me one day and I got so mad I said to myself, "I'm going to break my hand." And so I went into my garage, punched a solid concrete wall, and shattered my hand. I don't want something like this to happen again...or even worse be directed at my roommate. I really could kill this kid.
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2008 : 03:43:38
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Hi John,
is it possible you could appeal to his better nature? if you appear to take his jibes in good nature it's possible that he has no idea how much he upsets you.
I have a friend, she had a reputation for being a bit ditzy and I am ashamed to admit I used to make fun of her sometimes (I was 21 at the time). But because she always laughed along I didn't realise it upset her at all. One day she took me aside and told me it really hurt her when I said some of the things I did and I was mortified, I really liked her and hadn't stopped to think about how I made her feel. I changed my ways and we've stayed friends for over 20 years.
I may be totally on the wrong track but if you were friends once you might be able to talk to him rather than just deal with the anger.
Panda |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2008 : 04:27:13
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quote:
Originally posted by pandamonium
I may be totally on the wrong track but if you were friends once you might be able to talk to him rather than just deal with the anger.
Right direction, but wrong track perhaps? Guys are different.
Take two enemies that were once just aquaintences, and if they settle it like men, a nice scrap if you will, or just an over the top argument that could've gone to blows, regardless of who wins or loses, paradoxically they gain respect for each other and things unspoken get said very loudly and are resolved.
I had to learn the hardway that the only way to deal w/ a bully is a punch in the face. Realistically, or figuratively.
In John's case, I think like your friend panda, John rolls w/ the verbal punches hoping it will just end at some point. But his roomate cant see the damage it's having.
I think John, you need to get aggressive. But slowly. The next time this happens, don't just blow it off and roll with it, and don't try to not smile, just relax w/ it, but make an effort to hold eye contact for a bit when he gets like this. Sounds simple, but theres a whole psychological world to eye contact.
He'll eventually see that his assaults are causing friction that he did'nt realize. And he'll see that every time he assaults you he has to deal w/ the awkward eye contact, and that might just be enough.
And if your'e near him, exaggerate your laugh in a condescending way to him, and even a small elbow or shove. Nothing big here, just little jabs, then let it go. He'll get the message. And he'll rethink on his own what he's been doing.
You won't have to waste time thinking of how to resolve this, of how to approach him. Just start slow, and your confidence of subtely letting him know you won't be pushed around anymore will grow.
There will be no heart to heart talk, no feeling sorry for yourself, it will just happen, and paradoxically you'll gain his respect and be friends again.
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winnieboo
USA
269 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2008 : 06:35:12
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Hi John,
It boils down to: you've thought it through and know all the options, but your fear is stopping you from taking action. Fear has pushed you into a corner and is making an awkward situation untenable. You'll have to speak up. This is your issue. You see it graphically when your mouth goes dry.
The best thing you can do for yourself and and your symptoms is to stand up to the voice inside that's telling you all the self-defeating things (I don't want to yell at him, I can't get the words out, I'll have to just NOT do anything, I'm going to have to break my hand I'm so mad!). Stand up and fight that voice, not your roommate, not a concrete wall. You have the power within yourself and within your life. You have the control.You're getting right to the heart of your anger and that's great!
You have to back up, breathe and review the choices. There are a lot, and none of them is so bad.
1) Laugh it off and let it go
2) Talk to him
3) "Guy" tactics, as Skiz describes.
4) Bring in an outside "helper" like an RA or college housing mediator
5) Move out
Number 6, which you thought of, is breaking your hand or hurting yourself, and THAT IS NOT a choice, but you know that already.
My vote is to keep it simple and direct and kind and talk to him. You're nervous about it, and I don't blame you. But what's the worst? He laughs at you? You yell at him? Your mouth goes dry? So? If you think he'd physically hurt you, then we're talking about something else, and I think you need to get an adult mediator involved.
Find a quiet time, or keep it light--bring it up in the John when you're shaving--you know your best dynamic with him. How about: "dude, when you say x, or when talk s&%t about me, it really pisses me off." And/or "Hey, you knew I didn't drink when you moved in with me, what's all the noise about now? Could you stop it?" Be ready with examples, b/c he may well defend himself, and you know his methods. He'll put YOU down with something like "that bugs you?? You're such a douche-bag (or whatever you guys call each other these days...) You'll say, yeah, whatever, so I am; cool it down brother, because I can't stand it...I mean, a (nasty) girl would throw in something like, I thought we were friends, but maybe that's over and I should just move out.
There's always a chance your roommate will response well. 50-50, right? He WAS your friend last year. He must have redeeming qualities. Maybe HE's going through something difficult and he's taking it out on you.
If confronting him doesn't work, then go to your RA. And don't be afraid to move out. Life and college are too short.
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2008 : 06:44:28
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It's really good to read of your progress, John.
There's a book I really like, called "Nonviolent Communication", by Marshall Rosenberg, which describes how to communicate one's feelings and needs and requests in a non-judgemental way, and listen to the other person's feelings and needs and requests.
I think it's very appropriate for TMS sufferers because we learn at an early age to hide our feelings and needs, and I think that's why we get problems.
Hilary N |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 04:39:24
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want me to kill him for you?
lol
your roommate sounds like a total douchenozzle. you should notify him of this. since you have a lot of problems of other peoples impressions of you, this could be hard. me? i would tell him he's being a dick over and over again until he realizes how much of a dick he is, casually.
it's one thing to learn to stand up for yourself, but it's another thing entirely to be able to handle people that are totally dumb in such a way that they immediately learn that you don't play that way and they never try it again. the more you bend to this dude and the more you play his games the more he is going to get under your skin. that's how these people work. so don't play his games, play yours.
along the line of what skiz said, i would definitely recommend holding eye contact with this dude. what you can do is just observe how dumb he is being and totally marvel in it. eventually he'll start to get really self-conscious and aware of how foolish he is acting. you don't even really have to do anything, just kick your feet up and watch the show.
---
author of tms-recovery . com
(not sh!t, champagne)
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johnaccardi
USA
182 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 06:47:59
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Haha, awesome post scott. Douchnozzle... I love that word. Anyway, this advice sounds great. Since I've posted this, 3 days ago, I've been doing the whole eye contact thing and just being bold when I speak. It's worked pretty good. He hasn't really messed me in the past 3 days, once he sees me intensy staring at him like I want to ****in kill him, he stops.
I think in the future if he really pisses me off i'm just gonna say, Ben, shut the **** up, and walk away. He shoudl feel stupid about that. |
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winnieboo
USA
269 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 07:06:50
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I asked my 16-year-old boy what he does when another boy is dissing him, and he says "you hit him, Mom!" Great...obviously, I didn't teach him that, and neither did his Dad! But I see my advice to you missed the boat regarding how things work in the guy culture. It's the same advice I give my kids! Funny!
Glad you got some good (non-violent) techniques that are working. |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 07:15:12
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This is a great thread - I am cracking up here at 6 in the morning.
But how do I deal with my abusive sister on the PHONE? I've tried the stern eye contact thing, but it doesn't seem to work!!
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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winnieboo
USA
269 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 08:30:51
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| Don't call her. When she calls you, let her do all the talking and after a reasonable amount of time...oops, there's something burning on the stove--gotta go! |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 09:12:28
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John I love that the STAREDOWN is working. Good for you. This guy's apparently got his own big issues!
The other comments on this thread are just so funny.  |
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RageSootheRatio
Canada
430 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 09:53:03
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| Yes, this is a GREAT thread! Wow, I sure am learning a lot about guys! |
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JohnD
USA
371 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 14:47:10
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JohnA,
Glad to see that you're having some success. Whenever dealing with confrontation its crucial to have your instincts up. What instincts are is the ability to constantly be outwardly aware. So when dealing with someone like your roomate, he will instinctively try to make you focus inward(anxiety, panic, insecurity) on your weakness because then he is safe. Whenever he does this to you, it probably means he already feels guilty about something regarding himself and he is trying to make you focus on you so that he can slide off the hook. When people constantly do this, you have to always keep them at an arms length to protect yourself. You can say what you need to say and walk away like you suggested....but instead of calling him a dick, you can just tell him that he's not allowed to treat you such and such way and then end the conversation by walking away, and telling him thats all that needed to be said. Be short, assertive, and then defend by keeping him away. YOu can always add in a consequence too. Does he need anything from you like a ride to class? or anything? You can start withholding these things or just not engage with him until he can learn how to be somewhat respectful. |
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johnaccardi
USA
182 Posts |
Posted - 11/06/2008 : 09:25:33
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| JohnD, thanks for that info. When I really think about it I can see him only "dissing" me because he's uncomfortable with himself. Knowing this makes the whole process a lot easier. |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2008 : 04:09:18
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this is true. he projects his own self esteem problems on the world. in private he likely disses himself in the same way as those around him. the way we deal with one thing is the same way we deal with all things.
---
author of tms-recovery . com
(not sh!t, champagne)
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Redsandro
Netherlands
217 Posts |
Posted - 11/10/2008 : 08:46:47
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Nice topic!
I was feeling like I should give some 'advice', but then I realised I would say something different. Reading about other peoples' idiots make you think about 'yeah I would handle it like this', but in reality, for me at least, it's usually not that easy.
Idiots are easy to ignore. But the fun starts when you have some mutual symbiosis (for lack of a better word) going on. Not making bashing the con's let go away the pro's. Or not being able to answer ones whining with a list of similar but bigger complaints about idiot behaviour because - for example - your mother used to complain like that and for all you know, doing this kind of complaining makes people hate you.
People that are a little valuable but are also a little irritating enrage me more than total idiots. It still gets me sometimes.
Wavy Soul, you still have an abusive sister? I think I remember.. let's call it annoyance, from way back. Can't you cut her out of your life (and draw funny comics about her)?
____________
TMS is the hidden language of the soul. |
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Redsandro
Netherlands
217 Posts |
Posted - 11/10/2008 : 09:11:16
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Double post! 
Sorry about the double posts.. the board was being VERY slow and annoying the other day. |
Edited by - Redsandro on 11/11/2008 11:36:04 |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 11/10/2008 : 09:25:04
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Yes, I still have her. I have to be in contact with her because it's the end of my mom's life, and she (sis) has been taking care in many ways. They are in England and I am in California, and I have traveled there several times this year. And now the sis has cancer that looks pretty bad. I am trying to be supportive although she just lashes out at me. And I have some legal issues that I need her to attend to because she has POA.
So although I try to minimize it and e-mail is better, and someone else is communicating with her about the legal issues, yes, I do have to have contact with her.
I'm considering that since life has delivered it to me in this way, the unavoidable contact and dealings are something that I somehow have to go through rather than round. I have to say that I am ****-scared and have plenty of symptoms.
A therapist friend was talking to me last night, saying that until I really learn to fully be with myself in my belly, she (or something else) will always have the power to scare me. I think that's true. I notice how I jump out of myself into one distraction or another (syymptoms just being one of them) because I am scared of certain feelings deep inside which are probably memories of her abusing me when I was an infant, which I have had vague memories of. I am being with it all as much as I can.
Thanks.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 11/10/2008 : 18:21:22
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In response to my own post, I just had a good therapy session in which I was guided not so much to stand up to her as to brush her aside and focus on my own exciting life purpose.
It's a bit of the "resist not evil" stuff where the more you resist, the more it entangles you.
With regard to this, everyone should, right now, go to Youtube and paste in this (after you take out the spaces)
http:// www. youtube. com/ watch?v=26pJkYhHGek
then go on to parts 2 and 3
It's a Chinese chi gong guy demonstrating how keeping himself open and connected to his heart and belly allows him to ward off attackers. This 30-year black belt keeps coming at him, but can't hit him, and goes flying back again and again as though he is meeting a force field. But it's not a defensive force field, but the power of love. As he does it, the teacher is giving an explanation of how he is doing it, and it's really life-changing.
Enjoy!
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
Edited by - Wavy Soul on 11/10/2008 18:22:22 |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2008 : 04:02:48
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I like that. Thanks, Wavy.
He talks about cultivating sincerity and it chimes in very much with one of my goals in therapy: to be able to (first recognise, and then) express my feeings without having to hide them.
Hilary N |
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Redsandro
Netherlands
217 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2008 : 11:49:41
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That's one messy situation for you, Wavy Soul. I do know that everytime I read your stuff, it's like you pretty much know and name all the variables. So I think you can learn how to handle these things. Starting with your sister on the phone. 
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TMS is the hidden language of the soul. |
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A roommate for an obstacle
