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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
 Posted - 11/17/2008 : 00:39:55
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so i've been thinking a lot guys. er, not thinking but noticing whats going on inside me.
tms, in all of its manifestations
including... anxiety, "checking out of reality," depression, pain, etc
are a representation of the degree to which i am separate from myself. the degree to which i am in a state of emotional division. for the most part, i am my emotions. those fuzzy, squirmy feelings are all i really have. the realest thing when it comes to expressing myself.
when i'm separated from them, by habit or whatever the hell it is i'm caught up in at the time, i experience some degree of pain. not always physical pain, it can be mental pain, anxiety, a feeling of impending doom, all kinds of weird junk. all symbolic of the same problem.
so this definition doesn't include rage, that rage is subconscious i guess, the byproduct of this division. so i guess that is conflict, by definition.
anyway i just needed to write this out to get my thoughts clear. you can respond if you want to.
---
author of tms-recovery . com
(not sh!t, champagne)
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winnieboo
USA
269 Posts |
Posted - 11/17/2008 : 21:05:09
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Yes, TMS is about conflict.
I think we tend to forget or get sidetracked or to overthink the acronym. The first word in TMS is tension. Tension is the cause of our problems.
I think the key to getting well is to simply understand that our aches and pains and symptoms are caused by tension, derived from internal conflict. It's like, "I feel something, therefore my subconscious kicks in and suppresses or represses." This happens because it's a conditioned response. We learned it as kids in response to trauma, or later in life in response to trauma.
This conditioned way of responding has to be undone, and then we get well.
I finally understood this and I've had more 100% pain free days over the past few weeks than ever.
Pain free is a lot simpler than I thought and a lot simpler than I made it out to be. For me it was all about being alert and noticing what's going inside my mind in the moment.
A recent example: I had a dinner party (I love to cook) for 16 people last Saturday. I'm usually relaxed about cooking (one of the few things I'm relaxed about!), but this was a larger group and more food than I usually work with and I was flipping out (internally). Everyone arrived and everything was great, people were having a blast, so was I, but after the salad, I cleared the plates and was alone in the kitchen with the 16 empty plates, just...staring. My husband came in and said 'what do you need' and I joked, 'I need a valium!' And we laughed and I pressed on cheerfully, and THEN I got this giant muscle spasm in my neck. Like knock-you-over pain. I was thinking, abort dinner party! Hospital! But this was absolutely excellent, wasn't it? I had been pain-free for days and now this knife stabbing me in the neck was clearly from my mind. My mind! I just joked about a valium and suppressed my anxiety and ping! Stabbing knife in the neck. Finally it was obvious to me that the pain was directly related to emotions. Finally! A graphic, clear example, because through therapy, I was finally able to tune into myself. I knew I was flipping out. So I just simply acknowledged, Damn, I'm flipping out here, I'm not the cool hostess I usually am...and slowly, within the next hour, the pain absolutely disappeared.
Anyway, I'm so long winded (always) but here's what I think is the cure in a nutshell: Think of your symptoms as being caused by tension. The tension is from inner conflict. It can be as simple as your spouse pissing you off and you just don't want to get started with him/her, you know you won't win, you know they didn't mean it, whatever, so you let it go.
But there's a trick you're playing on yourself here. You are not "letting it go" if you have stabbing pain somewhere. You are suppressing it. And you do that because that's what you learned to do with emotions that were deemed "bad" or "unacceptable" or "controversial." So you appropriately kept them inside.
And then you go years like that...feeling something, thinking you're cool and letting it go, but it's really only going to a really thick sewage in your subconscious.
Psychotherapy comes in to help clear the sewage. It helped me understand what it is--but there's a trick here, too. It's less about what hideous s*^T my mom or brother or dad or neighbor or dog or nun or teacher did to me. It's more about how I responded to it. How I was allowed to respond to it. And that's the emotional education that led to the graduate degree my subconscious now has in TMS. Plain and simple. You have to look at the past as it comes up in your reactions. For me it was painstaking. My therapist demanded that I keep everything relevant. Hypnosis or drudging up memories out of context wasn't encouraged or even really allowed.
I brought current stuff into the room with her and we picked it apart. Where did that reaction come from? Why was I afraid? Who said something like that to me? And from there we took flights back to the past and I saw what gave me my faulty education. Everything that I feel now, while I'm relearning how "to be" has to be conscious. I have to be alert. I have to notice what's going on internally, as you say, Scott. Seems to be a natural pain killer.
It's like putting yourself in a new class with a new you who's a kinder teacher. I've learned that my demons are in my head and thoughts only, not in anyone else's reality, just mine. And that thoughts can be changed. I'm learning how to read situations more accurately. I've realized that my abusive mother is no longer in the room. Ever. And she doesn't have to live inside my head. I don't have to feel guilty that I've "banished" her (from my head at least)! She is elderly and mild now (as opposed to her earlier nasty and critical former self), and I moved 2500 miles away from her. I only have to talk to her on the phone. I'm careful and protect myself as much as possible when I do. It won't ever be easy. But what I learned from her can be unlearned. It doesn't apply to the great life I've made for myself now.
So, I guess I needed to say this! I've been here for over an hour composing this and I thank you--very sincerely!--for listening.
I'm officially leaving the board at this point and want to thank everybody here. So many of the posts have been helpful and supportive. I love participating and love to try to help others, but I do find that when I was here less over the last week or so, I had much less or no pain. I'm going to give life a shot without thinking about the acronym TMS every day. See if it works. So good luck to all and sincere thanks!
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Edited by - winnieboo on 11/18/2008 05:49:44 |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 11/18/2008 : 03:25:50
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Excellent excellent post winnieboo. I'll miss you. Wish you all the best.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 11/18/2008 : 05:29:24
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Brilliant post Winnieboo,
good luck for the future and thanks for so many helpful and insightful posts, you have really helped me along the way.
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 11/18/2008 : 12:14:30
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All the best, winnie. I hope you'll pop back sometime.
Hilary N |
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 11/18/2008 : 16:08:36
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Yes, excellent post Winnie.
Thank you for taking the time to write so eloquently.
Enjoy your new life.
Take Care
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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moose1
162 Posts |
Posted - 11/18/2008 : 19:21:40
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my two cents:
tms and all its equivalents is the price we pay for living unconsciously. of course, this is not our fault. many of us are raised not to be conscious of our interior lives, and this is then reinforced by our culture. contemplating our feelings and connecting them up with how we live and see ourselves is not something most of us grew up being encouraged to do. but the truth is, we are ruled by what we are not aware of.
the problem is that when we ignore what's unconscious - or even what's just semi-conscious - it becomes an autonomous force, and the more we ignore it, the more it torments us. then, when we try to drag it into the light of awareness, our ego punishes us by making things worse for a while. and as awful and painful as this is, it's the only way through suffering.
the word 'psyche' is the Greek word for 'soul.' when we get symptoms, it's the soul's way of saying, "hey, time for you to take a good, long hard look inside, and until you do, i'm gonna keep reminding you about it."
i really believe that the work we do in getting to the bottom of tms in all its forms is the greatest act of love one can do for one's self. it's about getting in touch with your soul, and not a lot of people undertake this journey. it's something to be proud of.
moose |
Edited by - moose1 on 11/18/2008 19:27:24 |
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what is tms?
