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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
 Posted - 05/07/2008 : 02:34:45
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| Edited because of personal info and privacy. |
Edited by - la_kevin on 04/18/2011 03:51:28 |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2008 : 07:39:38
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quote:
Originally posted by la_kevin
. I;m doing the full on, deep down, draining, absolute truth, crying every time..
I was not nearly 'done' with my past(or present). I was nowhere near 'over' with TMS work. I always knew this but figured if I just 'got back to normal life" it would correct itself.
It is a very humbling experience to say the least. My pains were fighting me everyday I didn't go to the gym or workout. As long as I kept moving my TMS seemed fine. That IS NOT curing or treating TMS. That is living a life of placebo, and TMS will always be lurking around the corner.
My pains haven't 'shifted' yet like many people describe and like mine did before. It's more stubborn now, and it reinforces my "this will never go away" fears. But I'm going to keep going.
I also feel like I'm going to throw up or something, like I can't breathe right. These things are scary, but the only thing I keep worrying about is am I making a dent in TMS at all. Time will tell but I'm impatient .
I'm not sure it's really what you want to hear...but... You're about right on time. There is no Magic Moment when it all goes away. Even when the majority of my symptoms departed, I couldn't say "It happened on the 3rd of June, 1998" because per Sarno's instructions I didn't watch the calendar. It ALWAYS feels like it's taking too long.It still does, even when I have a little weekend relapse.
It's fighting a losing battle with you, so it resorts to terrorism. You have been forewarned about symptom change, so it sticks MO stickier to wherever your symptom is.
This is kind of the fight that none of us ever wanted when we were kids....you punch your older brother and than pray that Mom breaks it up before it gets too real. This time you guys are all alone and somebody's leaving for good...it's to the bone, to the mat, for keeps.
However, without sounding too cheesey or cliche'd, the good guy always wins. That would of course be you in this case.
I wrote it before, but it's the dunghill that keeps on giving...that is, the introspection. There are certain times when we may feel we have reached a level or a new vantage point, but the truth is it's more permanent than any tattoo... There is always another angle, insight, understanding...in fact, enough to heal you for a lifetime.Maybe a couple of lifetimes.
and those symptoms like your gonna' puke? Anxiety? Headache maybe? That means your winning!!!
You have your foot on it's neck...now crush it!!
=-bb65 |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2008 : 09:27:13
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Kev, happy to hear you're making the effort to "get down and dirty". Facing these things is a huge part.
Forget your timeline. It takes as long as it takes.
Your emotional reaction to your writing shows it is indeed working. Every time you face a fear, event, pain, etc. you are making progress.
-Lori |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2008 : 10:10:03
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| Edited because of personal info and privacy. |
Edited by - la_kevin on 04/18/2011 03:52:07 |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2008 : 16:13:57
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Oh yeah.
Muscular treppe in muscles you haven't used, spasms in muscles you didn't know existed (stomach ones that are waaaay deep inside) and than the usual. As the knee has gone back to normal, felt a hot knife inserted under the ribs when I leaned over sideways. It's precisely in the spot that stopped bugging when my knee went 'out'
Had a gnarly headache today. Been writing a lot and in a lot of emotional pain. It never really gives up, but you do get respite (not too mention waay less fear)...didn't bother with the ibuprophen cuz it's from anxiety. Tried to take a 5 minute nap and my mind was going about 60.
Oh well...more pushups!!
-bb65
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2008 : 09:04:26
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Kevin,
Congratulations with the journaling! It does sound like you're making real progress if these sessions are so emotionally affective and draining. If the pain hasn't budged yet, that's okay, it will. Of course TMS is going to fight you. But it's like a schoolyard bully...more talk than walk when you challenge it with commitment and refuse to give up.
You might try doing something that helped me...I have several journal entries from my big battle with TMS where I wrote a letter to it. "Dear TMS," I wrote. And then I explained to it, very clearly, why I was firing it and why I would no longer be needing its services because I was going to be "dealing with my ****" from now on. I informed it I'd be feeling my emotions from hereon out, all of them, "good, bad and ugly" and while I appreciated its attempts to protect me from those feelings, I was not going to tolerate its distracting me with pain etc, etc, etc
I also wrote long letters to my TMS basically saying, "Aha! Gotcha! I know what you're doing and how and this is why it's not going to work..."
Journaling is great but I think addressing the TMS as if it were a separate, sentient being, that works on the subconscious in a different and effective way. I noticed that I after I wrote mine letters, the pain decreased significantly.
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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 08:59:49
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Kevin - Something I've noticed as I've gotten more into the anger and anxiety that comes up sometimes as I'm doing my TMS work, is that the more I can feel those feeling and NOT try to make them go away, the more I'm showing myself that I can handle these emotions.
It's in those times that I'm freaking out like that, that I remind my pain that it's okay for me to feel these emotions. That I don't need the distraction of the pain anymore. I'm aware that the pain has been trying to be protecting me from the emotions, but here I am with some emotions and I'm basically okay. I have found it really helpful to remind myself lately that I am strong and I can handle whatever emotions come my way.
You're doing just fine. |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 09:21:57
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| Edited because of personal info and privacy. |
Edited by - la_kevin on 04/18/2011 03:52:44 |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 09:38:39
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Kevin, sorry I can't do much to answer your pain. But for what it's worth, two months of therapy is hardly anything at all. I've been going to my therapist for a year and I didn't have all that serious of TMS & emotional issues. Have you considered longer-term therapy? Is that an option for you? It seems your experience of TMS is so major that I would expect that you are a candidate for that.
I don't think there are unchangeable permanent pain pathways in the brain. I think they can be changed. This also is such a small thing, but I wonder if your "Will this be forever, why can't it be gone already" is a form of calendar syndrome. I know it's different from the kind that someone gets after the first few weeks or months, since you've obviously had pain for a long time. But I remember a few others on this board saying that they eventually 'surrendered' in a sense, the idea that anything they could actively DO would make the pain go away, and just determined to go about their lives as much as possible and ignore the pain as much as possible, and eventually it faded away because it was not able to effect the distraction.
Being emotionally engaged with the pain, while really, really hard to avoid, is basically what makes the pain work. If you're not engaged with it (e.g. when people laugh at it or just discount it) then it may go away over a period of time.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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RageSootheRatio
Canada
430 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 10:41:14
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| Hi Kevin, so sorry to hear you're feeling so badly! I lived with chronic pain for some years which was completely debilitating, and it was the worst time in my life!! As for the rage and journalling, etc ... I think that is only one HALF of the equation .. Dr. Sarno talked a little about the Rage / SOOTHE ratio in one of his books, and I think that was one of the keys for me... there has to be a balancing ratio of SOOTHING in one's life .. not just an acknowledgement of the rage part. The SOOTHE part is hard for me; the RAGE part is EASY! Have you ever journaled about what is SOOTHING to you and are you taking more time in your life to act on what is soothing? I know this is hard and it is something I have to remind myself about all the time, but I think Dr Sarno was onto something important there. |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 11:26:59
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RageSoothRation hit on a good point. Reminded me of the other guy who wrote about golfing and feeling guilty. It is apparently something he wants and likes to do.
Health leaders as of late are talking about joy and happiness and filling our lives with what makes us happy. And we need to look points of joy every day. Something as simple as the 1/2 dark chocolate chip cookie I just had, getting a great night's sleep, The pretty flowers on my credenza, a beautiful day to enjoy, the approaching weekend when I'm seeing my favorite opera singer of all time! All points of joy for me that give me a wonderful feeling of happiness and well-being. I recall reading that seeking these joyful activities, however big or small (and WHO CARES what someone else thinks of them), are endorphin boosters. And showing gratitude for these things does help balance the everyday hardships we face.
Thanks for that reminder Ragesootheratio.
-Lori |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 12:57:08
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Another thing about the soothing is taking the time to really ENJOY the things we enjoy. I think TMSers tend to deny themselves emotional pleasure as well as emotional pain sometimes. Maybe it's because we're so focused on doing the right thing or what could go wrong, or because we had an experience with someone who would 'deflate' our excitement every time we got there (by being negative or pointing out what could go wrong). Or just because experiencing pleasure is the flip side of experiencing pain and if you open to one, you open to the other.
But I notice I have this habit some of the time, of stuff I know will be cool but I don't get that excited about it, or I don't savor a great bite of food or a great musical moment because I am in a hurry to get to the next thing or too focused on something else or just not focused at all.
This quotation may be apropos here:
"Value is not made of money, but a tender balance of expectation and longing." --Barbara Kingsolver, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle
If we forget to anticipate and expect pleasure, we may not value and enjoy as much as we otherwise would.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 13:29:44
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| Edited because of personal info and privacy. |
Edited by - la_kevin on 04/18/2011 03:53:12 |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 14:04:27
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
Kevin, sorry I can't do much to answer your pain. But for what it's worth, two months of therapy is hardly anything at all. I've been going to my therapist for a year and I didn't have all that serious of TMS & emotional issues. Have you considered longer-term therapy? Is that an option for you? It seems your experience of TMS is so major that I would expect that you are a candidate for that.
I don't think there are unchangeable permanent pain pathways in the brain. I think they can be changed. This also is such a small thing, but I wonder if your "Will this be forever, why can't it be gone already" is a form of calendar syndrome. I know it's different from the kind that someone gets after the first few weeks or months, since you've obviously had pain for a long time. But I remember a few others on this board saying that they eventually 'surrendered' in a sense, the idea that anything they could actively DO would make the pain go away, and just determined to go about their lives as much as possible and ignore the pain as much as possible, and eventually it faded away because it was not able to effect the distraction.
Being emotionally engaged with the pain, while really, really hard to avoid, is basically what makes the pain work. If you're not engaged with it (e.g. when people laugh at it or just discount it) then it may go away over a period of time.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment.
I don't have the money for therapy anymore. Just can't afford it now. I have been doing a workbook that Dr. Schecter gave to me. It said that I should be 'feeling better' by the second week. I did about 6 days of the workbook before, but I started all over this time. So I get the 'calender syndrome' from thinking I should be at a certain point according to his workbook.
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"Over thinking...over analyzing...separates the body from the mind." Maynard from the band TOOL |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 14:17:52
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Yeah, that's the crappy thing about therapy. It is super expensive. I have been lucky that I have some money left from things my parents put aside. I don't know what I would have done otherwise, but I was sufficiently sick of being depressed and concerned that I might not be able to keep functioning that I might have tried to take out a loan or something. Or I might not have...hard to say.
Are there any group therapy options that might be available? Sometimes they are free or cheap. Dr. Schechter might know of some.
I think the Schechter workbook can definitely trigger calendar syndrome. It is a good workbook though. Maybe you can do it with the idea that it may help you some even if not on the schedule it says. I think people who have severe symptoms don't necessarily get the same quick relief as people with more 'simple' symptoms like back pain or RSI.
I felt really sad reading your description of your life without feeling anything, just going on and calculating your next move while you keep everything in a box. It sounds really hard, and really lonely. It sounds kind of like what a lot of people do when they are struggling with a particular grief -- a breakup or death or someone moving away, when everything is overwhelming and it seems easier to pretend to be normal. I've been feeling this way recently since I broke up with my boyfriend. It is hard to function normally and it's also hard to let the emotions out because they are pretty big and overwhelming and painful. It feels like a lose-lose propostion. But the real lose option is not feeling the feelings. If you feel them, eventually there's an escape, eventually they go through and pass by and you finish (though it might seem like an eternity before it happens), but if you don't, then there's no escape from them.
quote:
But I'm the guy that makes everyone laugh, always intense with my expressions, always outgoing and engaging, always personal and talks to everybody
Reading through your post again, this jumped out at me. It reminded me of something that someone said -- I want to say it was Rachel Podolsky, who had RSI, but it's not on her webpage so it might be in the audio presentation. It's about TMS coming up when the emotions we have are threats to the way we see ourselves, to our self-image. It sounds like having emotions would interfere with being this guy that you see yourself as. You might have to not be funny sometimes if you felt sad, or not be outgoing once in a while if you didn't have much energy that day...
What you wrote also reminded me of myself when I was in high school. I kept a journal where I exhaustively analyzed my life. I didn't show my feelings much but I would look at what happened and write down how I felt and analyze what I should do next. Those journals are so weird to me now because they're mostly very removed from what I was FEELING, all about what I was thinking about someone else and what I was going to do.
I wish you all the best in working through things. It sounds like it may be a tough process for you, but I believe you'll find your way through it in the end.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
Edited by - armchairlinguist on 05/09/2008 14:27:58 |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 05/11/2008 : 14:08:29
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Thanks Armchair for the responses,
I'm better today. I paniced there for a couple days. I was at a point where I thought I was going to have a major spasm and I started to get the 'water drip' feelings down my legs, which is when I panic, and haven't had that sensation for almost two years.
I called my old therapist and he actually advised me not to journal,, because it's stiring something too big up. I'm going to have a session with him and see what's up.
But my legs are back to their normal minimal TMS today. After I had a big test for employment yesterday. WINK WINK
There's a big hint.
BTW, I always thought you were a guy. Learn something new every day.
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"Over thinking...over analyzing...separates the body from the mind." Maynard from the band TOOL |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/11/2008 : 17:44:59
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Those upcoming big events can set up a lot of anxiety. I was just going for a road bike class today and I knew it would be fun and probably low-stress and I still got anxiety dreams!
It's funny, you're the second person recently that I thought knew my gender who doesn't. Well, you know what they say, on the internet no one knows you're a dog!
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 05/11/2008 : 18:37:29
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I was always thinking " hey, that guy is pretty cool".
OOPS.
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"Over thinking...over analyzing...separates the body from the mind." Maynard from the band TOOL |
Edited by - la_kevin on 05/11/2008 18:37:49 |
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Starting over with journaling...back to 'zero'
