| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
 Posted - 05/04/2008 : 06:23:47
|
Recently I've been able to do A LOT more exercising. Strenuous exercise that feels great which I like after all these years of barely being able to walk in the grocery store. I talk to myself during the workouts and remind myself that I can do this and that it's not okay for my pain to flare up just because I'm exercising, etc.
But lately I've felt overwhelmed with anxiety during the workouts. To the points of tears in the middle of a fast walk on the treadmill or an aerobics class. It's like a panic swelling up in me and then afterwards I have this huge emotional release and feel overwhelmed about everything in my life. Even things that I see in the news I feel sensitive to, like this little 6 year old "untouchable" girl in India who was pushed into a fire by some higher caste member teenager. WTF!? :(
I am reminding myself that I'm actually totally fine and there's nothing wrong with my body, but this panicky feeling makes me think that there IS something wrong. And I can't function well when I'm so moody and disturbed by even reading a headline on the computer news.
I have cut back on my strenuous activity, but now even light walking in the form of exercise can bring about this panicky feeling also. Like my mind/body thinks I need to be in bed nursing myself back to health or something? Like it's scared to be out in the world doing things and thinks I'd be better off curled up in a ball?
I'm trying to stay calm and balanced and what happens is that I wind up feeling numb. Numb to the people around me, numb to the things that I have to do. I don't feel connected to life or to the situations that are happening. I have this, "so what?" attitude kind of. Where I can't care anymore. I feel really focused on myself and withdrawn.
Any thoughts from you guys as you read this? What kinds of things might be helpful for me to hear?
|
|
|
Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 10:49:35
|
It sounds like your right on time.
I know that feeling like you're going to cry any second. I have written about this before, but I'll say it again... I don't know any one thing that has helped me recover from episodes quicker than crying. It's like I can actually feel the TMS leaving my body incrementally.
I was lifting weights yesterday and listening to the 5th CD of the divided mind set when the narrator said the word "Lost parent". I was in a happy laughy, ****s and giggles sort of mood and all of a sudden I feel my face contort as if I'm going to cry. It's amazing how just a phrase uttered (when actually paying close attention) can elicit such a strong response. Pavlov's Dog.
I don't know if you're actually letting yourself go...to let the emotion flow through. A nice pair of mirror sunglasses ought to enable you to be a little less self conscious if you're out in public. At the very least, you might want to set aside some time afterwards to contemplate those feelings.
This newest treatise by Sarno has just blown my mind. A lot of the things I speculated on before have been researched...and a lot of what I thought "I knew", I really only had an inkling about.
One other thing. That girl in India. That was sympathy in the deepest form, and although very sad and tragic was triggering a feeling that already existed in YOU. That might be a clue to investigate, be open to the fact that YOU were abused, bullied, mistreated by someone and the images you saw only triggered a response that was already "in the pipe' so to speak.
Also... I do it and I know I shouldn't. I think it's a good idea to drop the evening news (and internet too if you can avoid it) while recovering from TMS. Most of us already have plenty of our own bad news to investigate.
I would say your exercising is helping by bringing you to a place of vulnerability. Let it through and wash over you, don't fight it off or suppress it. It might be the clues you need to recover!
-bb65 |
 |
|
|
AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 12:23:03
|
Thanks so much BB65. Your sharing means a lot to me.
In those times when I was feeling the anxiety come up while exercising I didn't let it out then in the gym, but I let the tears out later in the parking lot on the way to the car and then when I got home too.
What you said about reacting to the phrase "Lost Parent" made me remember a time when I was in a cardio class and the teacher mentioned a particular phrase and that's when I wanted to lose it completely. So I will pay attention to those cues.
With the Indian girl, I can relate to what you're saying about it being a thing in me already that I was reacting to. When I perceive an injustice in this particular way I'm either so sad about it, or completely enraged. It is connected to the injustices I think were done to me as a child too.
I am trying to avoid CNN.com where I used to go several times a day for news. I don't watch the news on TV either. So I think you're right about trying to avoid the news while I'm dealing with this TMS stuff. After that reaction to the Indian girl while I was on the treadmill I am really trying to avoid news sites.
I guess my avoiding exercise right now is another way that I'm feeding the fear around experiencing my emotions. So what if I start crying during aerobics? So what if I cry on the treadmill? I'm seeing that by avoiding my strenuous exercise I'm just reinforcing the idea that my emotions are bad and I should do what I can to avoid them. That feels important for me to notice.
So like you said, maybe I should stick with the exercising and let the emotions come. They're not all that terrible.
I'm struck by the idea in the books about how it's so much more socially acceptable to be seen as having a bad back or whatever, than to be seen as having a bad emotional state.
I need to show myself that my emotions are just fine and they are at least as welcome as my back pain - which I'm actually telling myself is not acceptable anymore.
So emotions are welcome. Chronic pain isn't.
Wow. I'm so glad that I wrote here and that you responded BB65. This feels like a shift that I needed to help me feel more connected to things. Thank you for reaching out to me when I needed some help.
|
|
|
|
AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 12:25:14
|
Also, can you tell me more about what you meant when you said this:
====
This newest treatise by Sarno has just blown my mind. A lot of the things I speculated on before have been researched...and a lot of what I thought "I knew", I really only had an inkling about.
====
What newest treatise are you talking about? What kinds of things are you seeing that there's more to it than what you previously thought? I'd like to learn from what you're noticing.
Thank you. |
|
|
|
la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 14:03:31
|
quote:
Originally posted by Baseball65
It sounds like your right on time.
I know that feeling like you're going to cry any second. I have written about this before, but I'll say it again... I don't know any one thing that has helped me recover from episodes quicker than crying. It's like I can actually feel the TMS leaving my body incrementally.
I was lifting weights yesterday and listening to the 5th CD of the divided mind set when the narrator said the word "Lost parent". I was in a happy laughy, ****s and giggles sort of mood and all of a sudden I feel my face contort as if I'm going to cry. It's amazing how just a phrase uttered (when actually paying close attention) can elicit such a strong response. Pavlov's Dog.
I don't know if you're actually letting yourself go...to let the emotion flow through. A nice pair of mirror sunglasses ought to enable you to be a little less self conscious if you're out in public. At the very least, you might want to set aside some time afterwards to contemplate those feelings.
This newest treatise by Sarno has just blown my mind. A lot of the things I speculated on before have been researched...and a lot of what I thought "I knew", I really only had an inkling about.
One other thing. That girl in India. That was sympathy in the deepest form, and although very sad and tragic was triggering a feeling that already existed in YOU. That might be a clue to investigate, be open to the fact that YOU were abused, bullied, mistreated by someone and the images you saw only triggered a response that was already "in the pipe' so to speak.
Also... I do it and I know I shouldn't. I think it's a good idea to drop the evening news (and internet too if you can avoid it) while recovering from TMS. Most of us already have plenty of our own bad news to investigate.
I would say your exercising is helping by bringing you to a place of vulnerability. Let it through and wash over you, don't fight it off or suppress it. It might be the clues you need to recover!
-bb65
You just described what I'm going through EXACTLY. Now that I'm super gym guy, after years of no movement, I do these same things.
--------------------------
"Over thinking...over analyzing...separates the body from the mind." Maynard from the band TOOL |
|
|
|
AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 16:38:59
|
I just had one of the best workouts ever. In fact, I did my entire fast walking on the treadmill without using the handrails for the first time. I felt so empowered and happy about realizing that I had been avoiding exercise because of the anxiety and that by doing that I was empowering the TMS symptoms. I didn't have any anxiety or overwhelm during the walk either. It would have been okay with me if it did, because I was consciously making space for whatever happened during the workout to happen, but it just didn't go there.
I'm so appreciative of this forum today and especially of the reply you gave to me BB56. Thank you so much. This was really a turning point for me here and my eyes have been opened in a new way. |
|
|
|
Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 18:11:32
|
quote:
Originally posted by AmyAJJ
====
This newest treatise by Sarno has just blown my mind. A lot of the things I speculated on before have been researched...and a lot of what I thought "I knew", I really only had an inkling about.
====
What newest treatise are you talking about? What kinds of things are you seeing that there's more to it than what you previously thought? I'd like to learn from what you're noticing.
I first recovered from TMS back in the late 90's. I won't bore you with the story. You can find it in the archives, I'm sure.
I have had the usual switcheroo's and recurrence's when I've gotten too far 'out there' i.e. too far lost in the 'Ego based defense character I became to survive'
I grew up in a very empty house. Dad died when I was 5. Mom is about as compassionate as a lizard. No family....... I was brutalized and beaten by the neighborhood kids (I was from Europe). My mom called me a 'coward' for letting 18 year olds mug me when I was 12. I became what my environment dictated to survive...a 'tough guy'. I averaged about two fistfights a week between the ages of 9 and 15. I became the hotshot, gun toting, dope dealer,criminal, scam artist, gang member (a true coward).At around 16 I entered the legal system until my early twenties.
But..I turned it around through a long series of events....(yawn)....and became 'super-good guy' in response to my 'super A-hole' I'd been for the earlier part of my life. I was the perfect dad, perfect husband, perfect worker...or at least I tried to be.
So..around age 32 or so when I couldn't walk anymore and hobbled to and fro, "Healing Back Pain" had a very profound effect on me. I didn't need to 'theorize' about what was going on and repressed...I had actually lived it out quite wantonly for quite a time...fighting,stealing,the reproductive mambo... I had lived them unchecked and knew firsthand the sociopath who lives inside each and every one of us. I didn't think my young life was all that different from anybody who had virtually no parenting, morality or values.
But... in spite of my quick recovery, I became fascinated with the whole TMS theory. I began to suspect that a lot of the other issues I saw in myself and in my friends and acquaintances were Mind body syndromes.. But, HBP only ruminated and speculated. In "The Divided Mind" Sarno has actually written about a lot more clinical observations and conclusions.
The last disc in particular is fascinating. When they talk about the group therapies and the way that patients respond to being challenged. The ones who laugh at the inappropriate times or say they "know' what's bothering them... That's me!
Having spent all that time in institutions and rehabs, I had therapy 'wired'. The trick was always to be as candid as possible and withhold NOTHING from them....than they considered you 'cured' and your release date, probation period, whatever... was always expedited. The truth is, in all of my 'honesty' I had never ever gotten down to the truth... that is.. I am sad. I am lonely all the time. I feel like I can't succeed... I am scared...I feel small... I am ashamed.
These simple but deeper truths would NEVER be uttered to any therapist or counselor. I would laugh confidently, smile, make self disparaging remarks that condescended to the process...but I hid all the truth behind my wall of HONESTY.
In the new book, clearer than ever I can see that what is truly repressed is truly forever and always repressed and we have no access to it. The best we can ever do is create a scientific 'model' (think Einstein and 'the watch')... and GUESS what it is, but by it's very nature we can only speculate. That is very humbling to a know-it-all like myself.
However, I was already doing that (making models and guessing) before Sarno wrote it. A lot of my friends who were familiar with Sarno thought I was taking artistic liberties with his work, but apparently I wasn't that far off.
THAT is what I meant.
sorry for the book.
glad you're getting your groove back!
-bb65
|
|
|
|
AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 18:30:49
|
Thanks for sharing your story and your insights from listening to The Divided Mind. I haven't gotten to the end of that book yet so I'm looking forward to seeing the parts that you're talking about.
Sometimes it is hard for me to accept that unconscious stuff because I can't see it, feel it, or know what it is. Hearing about how you're resting into that gives me hope that I can do it too. I don't have to know what's there - only to know that what's there is there.
Thanks for the inspiration and for the candid sharing about how you hid behind apparent honesty in your therapy sessions when you were in the system. I can see where I do that too with people in my life. Too scared/embarrassed/worried/nervous to just say that I'm afraid or lonely or whatever. I worry about how other people will take my sharing and so I manipulate situations by saying what I think people want to hear.
Sigh.
Thanks again, BB65. |
|
|
|
sborthwick
87 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2008 : 08:03:41
|
I would check into Claire Week's work - she has a Sarno approach to anxiety and combined with Sarno has helped me no end. Her book is "Hope and Help for your nerves". I cannot recommend it enough to you. It sounds like you are getting fearful of anxiety - just like we can be fearful of back pain. This will only prolong it. You have to lose the fear of it and it will go.
Claire Weeks' has been helping me lose the fear of my "worrying" and slowly but surely, my anxiety has been reducing and reducing.
Give it a go....it has been the finishing touch for me with the Sarno work. |
|
|
|
armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2008 : 08:45:08
|
quote:
I'm trying to stay calm and balanced and what happens is that I wind up feeling numb. Numb to the people around me, numb to the things that I have to do. I don't feel connected to life or to the situations that are happening. I have this, "so what?" attitude kind of. Where I can't care anymore. I feel really focused on myself and withdrawn.
It sounds like when you try to wall off the anxiety, the rest of your feelings go with it. The anxiety is probably happening as an equivalent distraction, to try to 'cover up' the rest of those feelings. Sadness and anger and all that, at the world and the deplorable things that go on.
Like you said in your responses, it is not really a problem if you are crying on the treadmill or during aerobics even if it seems weird to other people...let your emotions happen. They aren't so bad -- they are even good, though sometimes unpleasant to experience -- and the more times you survive letting them happen, the more your unconscious mind will become convinced that they are okay and don't have to be walled off.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
|
|
|
positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 10:22:12
|
I can relate to what you're saying. I've had a few instances of crying in the gym bathroom or in my car before or after a workout. Once I was lying on the floor of the stretching room feeling frustrated about my back problems and tears started welling up in my eyes.
I agree that if you feel that you need to cry during a workout, then do it. Personally if I feel "hair trigger" I try to get my tears out before I get to the gym. But if that's not possible for you, try to think of what you'd say to the people around you if you start crying during aerobics. Maybe you could make up some sort of excuse that people would accept, like "my pet just died" or "my relative is sick." That way, people would be sympathetic (albiet for the wrong reasons) and you wouldn't feel so weird about crying during the kick turns.
I had to do this once. A very long time ago I was in a job that I hated. I had a terrible boss but for various reasons was trapped in the job for a period of time. One day I was in my office crying very quietly (mistake -- shoulda gone to the bathroom instead). My boss suddenly came into my office and caught me mid-tears. Of course I was crying because my job was getting to me. But I told him that I was crying because my uncle had just died (which was true -- I didn't particularly like that uncle and his death didn't really affect me...but my boss didn't have to know that!)
I hope others don't think that my suggestion is a cop-out. I personally don't like having to explain myself to others, even if I feel embarrassed about what they'd think. Having a canned excuse prepared is always a good idea, IMO. |
|
|
|
Kareem
Canada
8 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 23:10:53
|
I know what you mean Baseball, about feeling like you're about to cry at any moment.
I've never, ever cried in public, not a single time in my life that I recall. When my dad left home when I was small kid, we went from living rich to poverty in a few weeks and I cried myself to sleep every single night for two years making sure no one could hear me.
I was a weak, fragile mind but when I was with the other kids, I would always show a tough exterior. I would fight for no reason with the bullies and the biggest kids just to show I'm tough, I would hold any tear back anytime I would get hurt bad. One day, I decided I wasn't going to cry anymore at night and the repression was even worse afterwards.
I stopped feeling emotional during movies, family tragedies, was an overly aggressive teen, then I tried to be a good and perfect son and student. The repression became worse, I started getting hives and knee pain. I even woke up without being able to rotate my neck to the left.
Thinking of all of this, it's been such a logical culmination to my current back and leg pain. Leading up to it, I started getting really emotional for a variety of different reasons and in the matters of three weeks I lost my grandmother who I loved dearly, my mother left home and went to Greece to take care of her just before she died. I was at home to take care(feeding, studies, groceries, dishes, bills, clothes) of my little sister who's a kind girl but a lazy teen and my now handicapped father. I was also working part time and in the middle of my engineering exams no less.
And during that whole period, I felt absolutely nothing. When I should've felt rage(as well as sadness) towards everyone around me, including my dying grandmother for dying and my mother for leaving to help her(the taboo feelings Sarno speaks about), I felt nothing. And I actually wondered why I felt so much physical pain.
Now, I'm at that point where I feel I'm about to burst out in tears at any second. I feel it all the time, I become anxious when I go to sleep and try to remember all those unpleasant things that could've created rage.
Baseball, that first post of yours in this thread, you have no idea how much it relates to me. |
|
|
|
AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 09:03:35
|
Thanks for the further contributions here. I have been continuing to exercise regularly and only once had the anxiety come up again. I let myself sob into my towel for about 20 seconds and then it was gone during the aerobics class.
I see what you're saying about the anxiety being another way to distract myself from other emotions since then I shut down as a result of the anxiety. So I'm trying to stay really present with it when it comes.
I am having less back pain than I have in the last 2 months of this relapse and I am so encouraged about how I have stuck through this and kept up with my TMS work even when I have wanted to give up, stay discouraged, and feel like there was no hope.
Looks like this relapse is on the way out as my understanding of my TMS continues to get deeper and deeper and I stop trying to stuff my feelings whether they are anger, anxiety, whatever. |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
Exercising and Anxiety
