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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
 Posted - 09/07/2007 : 09:43:59
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michelle, much uncalled for in my opinion. This discussion was considerate and civil all around. I think Laura was just done venting for a while. FWIW I think she's right that she needs time to process, since she clearly will be looking at some major life changes soon.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 11:30:29
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Thanks ACL...Sheesh...
That said, Laura is no doubt mad at me. We go back a long way and for a while were good friends...I was there for her through her long and painful and ultimately very courageous break-up with her incredibly narcissistic jerk of a husband. As time went by, she repeatedly would get involved with the very same type, or quite similar types anyway...She's ask my opinion, and I'd give it, knowing in advance that she'd probably resent it...I simply made the decision that I would always tell the truth as I saw it...
I think Laura respects me, and at the same time resents me at times..But I do believe that she believes I've her best interest at heart..Which I do.
There's also this: if you post about life situations in an open forum you run the risk of getting an opinion or two, If you think it's somehow a good thing for someone to be dating an abusive control freak MIchelle, then step right up and say so..
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Edited by - art on 09/07/2007 11:46:48 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 11:47:39
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I've been processing since yesterday. I figured out that massage school is definitely not for me. I talked to my friend, Mark, a massage therapist I used to see years ago. He told me how physically taxing it is on your body. He told me that unless I'm 100% sure that's what I want then it probably isn't for me. He said when he was doing it (he quit and has no desire to return) at the end of the day he felt "empty and drained." He said, "At the end of the day, I felt like I had given and given all my energy to my clients, and came up short as there was nothing left in my for myself." He said if my back bothers me from time to time that it would be hard on me, as you use your ENTIRE body to give a massage and you must be strong. Also, I told him I would be grossed out by some 500 pound, extremely hairy guy and he told me that would probably be a problem then.
So, then I went back to thinking about the thing I do love, which is photography. I could take some classes at the local college to learn the technical aspects of photography, for a heck of a lot less than $13,000. I will need to design a website and I'll need to get an ad in the local magazine where other photographers advertise. Of course, I looked in that very magazine and found this woman's website and when I looked at it became completely depressed. It's amazing and she's an amazing photographer. I'm nowhere near that. There is music playing on the website, and the song ("Somewhere Over The Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole) that goes with the pictures she shows reminds me of Steve and I and our trip to Maui. We bought this guy's CD while we were there (he took me for a week for my birtday). Unfortunately, I can't seem to escape Steve right now, no matter how hard I try.
My friend told me that she believes I am "addicted" to Steve like a junkie. I think this may be an accurate statement. You don't spend 14 solid months, day in and day out, traveling together, cooking together, being with that person physically, emotionally, and NOT feel a loss when you don't speak for a week. I'm having a difficult time concentrating on anything these days. Like I said, only I can figure this all out for me.
I did stop writing after what Art wrote. Michelle is correct. I didn't come back to this forum to be given a lecture by someone who has never met me and who is not inside my head. I think Art means well but sometimes I think that he offers his opinion and if the person on the other end doesn't do exactly as he would do or as he recommends then he gets judgmental and makes you feel worse. Nobody wants to be kicked when they are already down. It takes a lot for me to get on here and share this stuff. Yes, I'm venting, but ultimately I make all my own decisions. Do we all want input? Sure we do. I have two kids. They don't always do as I would do or what I recommend but that's how life works. At the end of the day, all we really have is ourself. I can't do always do for me what Art would do or my dear friend Gina would do (She recommends never talking to Steve again. She says a man can't love you and treat you this way.) Yes, Art did recommend a year ago to not go out with Steve, based on the things he had heard through me (we used to email each other). I decided to do otherwise. In retrospect, maybe I should have listened to Art. Getting out then would have been way easier. Art may be absolutely right. Or he may be wrong. I don't even know. I'm just numb right now quite honestly.
I think when we come here to vent and work through our pain, each of us really wants an ear to listen and gently offer ideas, thoughts, or opinions. I'm in a very bad place right now. I'm extremely sad, depressed, hurting, and vulnerable. I have lost most of the friends I had since my divorce. I feel extremly lonely and isolated. What I really need is a friend or friends who will listen. Offering opinions or advice is fine too. But when you feel you're in the doghouse with someone if you don't heed what they tell you to do is not good. It's not what I need. I didn't want to read anymore yesterday, as I had read enough. My heart hurts. I am in pain, physically and emotionally. I don't know how to get up in the morning and get through my day. Talk about paralysis? I'm completely paralyzed now. My back is wracked with pain and I have an enormous sense of sadness, anger, and rage. You bet I do.
Like I said, I think Art means well. It's just not what I need right now.
Thanks for listening. More to come I'm sure.
Laura |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 11:51:34
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| And, yes Art. I do respect you. I just don't like your approach sometimes. Like I say, I'm in a serious depression right now. I am crying like a baby as I write on this forum. I just need a verbal "hug" right now. That's it. I just need a place to vent and to be heard, without feeling judged. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 12:22:17
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quote:
Originally posted by Laura
And, yes Art. I do respect you. I just don't like your approach sometimes. Like I say, I'm in a serious depression right now. I am crying like a baby as I write on this forum. I just need a verbal "hug" right now. That's it. I just need a place to vent and to be heard, without feeling judged.
Hey sweeheart, you know you can always have all the hugs you want from me.. (((( ))))
We go back a long way as I said, and I you know how I feel about you...I was with you through some intense times way back when, and I was so happy to be helpful. You know that..
I knew you were mad at me, and maybe I was a bit miffed myself in all honesty. I don't want to be "right" and that's the honest truth. It doesn't in any way make me feel good that things didn't work out with you two...If anything, it's all quite depressing...
I'm there for you any time you want. You need only ask...
I promise to try to be more gentle next time. How's that sound?
Friends again? |
Edited by - art on 09/07/2007 12:25:39 |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 12:26:28
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One of the unfortunate things about online forums is that it's not possible to tell by visual or audio cues how someone is feeling. Text cues are more limited. I can say from my own experience that if you post online when you are in a vulnerable state, you may get more than you want, even if people are trying to be helpful and remain considerate and civil. The same is true in life, I guess, it's just magnified here because of the lack of cues and the fact that ultimately we are strangers rather than friends or acquaintances, and know very little about each other. So, well, I'm going to wise up and stay out of the specific problems from here on, but in general I think it's wise to bear in mind what might happen. And to communicate about what you do want, like Laura just did.
Especially here where we all take turns psychoanalyzing each other...
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 12:36:50
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quote:
Especially here where we all take turns psychoanalyzing each other...
It's funny in that I was as grateful for your defense as I was peeved at michelle's manner..I still object to her school yard style ("way to go art"... "way to chase laura off"), but I had to own she had picked up on something..
PLus I've been feeling lousy about the exchange between laura and I...I really care about her a lot. So I'm grateful that she re-opened the case so to speak...
ACL, I don't think you need to bow out of these things, although of course it's up to you...What you say, tongue in cheek though it may have been, is right...that's what we do to a large extent..When we post, we can't be surprised that's what happens//
Hell, it's part of the fun... |
Edited by - art on 09/07/2007 12:45:52 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 18:01:50
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Yes, Art. Friends again. I'm just feeling like an open wound right now. I didn't want you to be right either. I truly love Steve with all my heart but it is apparent and obvious that the love was a one sided thing.
I am trying to get through this with the help of the couple of friends that I have and my kids. This breakup to me has almost been more painful than my divorce. I suppose that is because we did love so passionately and now there's just an empty space where there was a relationship. I feel sad, empty, and depressed. I want to push myself forward but have no idea how to do that.
So, off I go to work out. My back is still hurting, but I will push through the TMS b.s. and do it anyway. I've only cried four or five times today, not the entire day, so maybe I'm getting better.
I have no hard feelings against anyone here. Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I'm sure I'll be posting again before it's up.
Laura |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 18:04:38
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Yes, Art. Friends again. I'm just feeling like an open wound right now. I didn't want you to be right either. I truly love Steve with all my heart but it is apparent and obvious that the love was a one sided thing.
I am trying to get through this with the help of the couple of friends that I have and my kids. This breakup to me has almost been more painful than my divorce. I suppose that is because we did love so passionately and now there's just an empty space where there was a relationship. I feel sad, empty, and depressed. I want to push myself forward but have no idea how to do that.
So, off I go to work out. My back is still hurting, but I will push through the TMS b.s. and do it anyway. I've only cried four or five times today, not the entire day, so maybe I'm getting better.
I have no hard feelings against anyone here. Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I'm sure I'll be posting again before it's up.
Laura |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 12:30:31
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"...friends again"
I'm glad Laura. Truly.
You know, just speaking for myself here, but I've lately been thinking about these reservoirs of very powerful, very painful emotions we all have..
Grief, sadness, intense loneliness...There they sit inside of us, well beneath our every day awareness for the most part, vast underground lakes of these just terribly, terribly painful emotions...Then along comes some life experience, a break-up, a profound life change, whatever and wham, up rush these emotions that just knock the breath out of us...
It seems to me that each one of these feelings tells a kind of profound human truth..a comment on the human condition that we're generally not in touch with, no doubt because it's too painful..Sometimes I think it's the emotions themselves that count, not the life experience that accompanies them.
Maybe looking at things in this slightly different way is helpful in that it gives us a larger perspective...It's not the break-up so much that's the important thing here in other words, but the feelings of loneliness it evokes, and what these feelings say about being a human being...
I know that's not going to be particularly helpful to you right away, but maybe food for thought later on...?
Since TMS is all about repression and distraction, maybe there's some applicability there as well...
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Edited by - art on 09/08/2007 14:23:33 |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 13:32:15
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| You sum it off nicely Art, I suppose that most of us have been in the throes of despair at one time or another, it is difficult, scary even to let go of the familiar and enter new territory, I always found that the only way one can get out of a depressive state of mind is to have a mission, a purpose, my only goal at one time was to hold it together so my son would not see my despair, I faked it for a long time, it forced me to do things I had no desire to do, I feel deeply for Laura, I know how she feels I took my partner back three times before I realised that it was never going to work and it took that long before I stopped loving him , five years of trying to make it work, believing he could change, Laura will do what she feels is right for her, and only time will prove her right or wrong.All we can do is honor her choices and wish her the best. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 14:22:53
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| Thanks miche..I feel deeply for Laura as well..And I'm sincerely sorry if it didn't appear that way...I've been there myself. More than once. |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 15:42:20
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| Hey Art, don't blame yourself buddy, it is completely understandable to want to protect one's friends from what we feel may harm them, you spoke from your heart and from your truth, nothing wrong with that! |
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I'm back - and so is my back pain
