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Webdan65
USA
182 Posts |
 Posted - 09/04/2007 : 06:31:10
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Laura:
Make of this what you will. But I pretty much told my mom that if my dad was making her miserable all the time - to divorce him. She is MUCH happier living on her own than she was living with my dad and being driven crazy all the time.
Before you all go jumping on me about how I need to reconnect with my parents and all - I still have a good relationship with both of them. It was a divorce that was long overdue and both seem to be better off for it. Go figure. Divorce after 45 years of marriage. Some said why bother. I say heck, if you've only got 10 years or so left on this planet, why spend them with someone who drives you nuts.
Best wishes Laura. Only you will know what is right for you. Trust your gut.
Dan |
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2007 : 06:55:36
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good grief! Where do you find these people, Laura? They all remind me of my first husband and the lowlifes he hung out with. He too got "physical" when I stood up to him, being very careful not to "hit" me. He cheated on me for the ENTIRE five years we were married. He was even seeing someone while he was stalking me and begging me to come back. People like this are very very bad, and let me tell you, they don't get better with counseling as a general rule. Learn to spot the type and make a really wide berth around them. And what's with the ex girlfriend pal with the texting? People really behave that way? I'm appalled. I'd say get a new phone number and don't pass it out. Simple solution for that side of the problem.
You might want to consider taking a vacation from "guys' for a while and working on your own stuff. Totally a suggestion, not a should. I'm surprised your brain even needs to provide a pain distraction with all the toxic nutcases you have distracting you. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2007 : 07:37:57
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Laura, you know I've given up passing out advice on men...YOu just end up getting mad at me..But this is all quite familiar...the same narcisstic type man, needy and controlling, the same crazy people on the sidelines..
I've told you this before (then always duck) but it's not the bad guys per se, it's that you're picking them...
The advice to take a break is a good one...Get your prfessional life in order..Once you start feeling better about yourself I'm guessing you'll pick better, moreo appropriate men...
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Edited by - art on 09/04/2007 07:41:53 |
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2007 : 07:40:33
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| That's what I'm seeing too, and i haven't been here very long. That's why I suggested maybe taking a break from having a guy around, just work on herself without the entourage. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2007 : 10:43:44
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No need to duck. Do you think I'd honestly share this crap if I didn't expect the fallout? The thing is, I agree with the fallout. It's been 14 months in this relationship with many highs but way too many lows. There has been breakup after breakup. I've always said if a man gets physical then that's the day I'm done. I've never understood women to stick around for more abuse. When I told him he "pushed" me with his chest, he claims he didn't do anything wrong and then starts talking about how when I've been angry a couple times I've punched his arm. Well, I HAVE whacked his arm a couple of occasions, after I asked him repeatedly to leave or out of frustration. It's not okay for anyone to hit anyone else, but I'm a 5'8' 140 pound woman and he's a big guy who weighs almost 230 pounds. Big difference.
Anyway, I'm off to check out the massage school. It's in Encino, CA, about half to 45 min from my house, depending on traffic. I'm going there today to see what the program is all about and possibly enroll. Will keep you posted.
My back is much better. Been getting to the root of the emotions all weekend long.
In answer the the question of "where do I find this people?" I don't know. That's something I've been wondering for awhile. I've read several books on the subject of the laws of attraction. From Chopra, to Dyer and a huge list of others, it's all about "Why do I attract the same people into my life over and over?" The same answer keeps coming back and hitting me in the face. I have to change ME and work on ME. Eventually, after Laura is the person she needs to be then the strange cast of characters will vanish and I'll start attracting good people into my world.
So, I take a big deep breath and begin the first day of the rest of my life. No more drama, bars, arguing, being accused and pushed around, no more of all of this CRAP.
I will keep you posted.
Peace!
Laura
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2007 : 11:05:08
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quote:
Eventually, after Laura is the person she needs to be then the strange cast of characters will vanish and I'll start attracting good people into my world.
Dollars to donuts you're already attracting good people...You just have to be open to it..
Good luck with the massage school!!
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2007 : 11:35:39
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Thanks Art. I just talked to them and they have no openings today for me to come meet with them and take a tour so I'm going tomorrow morning at 11:15. I'm nervous and excited about this. I believe this is right up my alley though, as I have always been into body work, taking herbs rather than drugs, and that type of thing.
Haven't heard a thing from O.J. all morning. Maybe he'll move on and find someone else to bully.
Back was feeling better until I went on here and wrote and now it's hurting again.
Funny thing too is, I haven't felt dizzy in forever. Then, the day I posted on here for the first time last week the dizziness started up again. You gotta laugh at that one!
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2007 : 11:43:30
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Btw...Thank you Dan for your words of support. I did divorce my ex-husband for all the same reasons. There are times though when I go through all this drama and fighting that I start to think "Why didn't I just stay married." I know it's crazy. I wasn't attracted to my husband, we fought quite a bit (although the fights with the 14 month old relationship that I've been in are far worse than anything I ever had with my ex husband), and we wanted different things. But all in all, when I really think about it, it wasn't all that bad. I guess compared to where I am now it doesn't seem all that bad, but if I were still in it I'd be bored, still not attracted, still living in a relationship with no affection or an ounce of passion and still miserable.
I do hope that once I get myself on the right track (career-wise) and mentally (I'm going to go to once a week therapy for awhile) then eventually I will find the right guy and he won't be a guy who is jealous, insecure, opinionated, hot headed, and a bully. I know it's out there for me somewhere. I'm a good person and I think (make that I know) there is someone good for me.
Anyway, thanks for your input.
Laura |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2007 : 14:22:13
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I think it's true that we tend to end up with the same kind of people in our lives over and over, because of the way we see things and the way we behave. The way I once heard it put is that we tend to choose people (esp. in romantic relationships) who relate to us in a way that we're familiar with, even if we don't enjoy that way, it's the way that we know, and we tend to reject what we don't know and stay with what we do.
We may also pick people who are familiar because unconsciously we hope we can resolve with this person whatever was not resolved with the last one, i.e. we're trying to re-run earlier relationships (including familial ones, which is why we sometimes pick partners who seem to resemble our parents) and get a different outcome. However, this is unlikely to happen unless we change what we are doing and how we are being in the relationships.
I have seen some of the truth of this in my life. I'm hoping that my work in therapy will get me onto a better track.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2007 : 15:06:31
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I'm not sure what the drive many of us have to repeat the same miserable relationships over and over, but there's clearly something going on...We "fall in love" just enough that we can succesfully overlook all the warning signs and alarm bells, calling qualities that others would find obnoxious "endearing," and otherwise fall all over ourselves to pick precisely the wrong person...Of course, evryone else in the world can see this guy/gal for what he/she is, but we don't want to hear it...We just want what we want, which evidently is to be perpetually and hopelessly miserable...
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Edited by - art on 09/04/2007 15:08:00 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2007 : 08:12:00
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Back is still hurting but not nearly as much. I saw the therapist yesteray (alone). I told her I haven't talked to Steve since Monday evening, when a few of us were sitting in the hot tub and he announced at 9:30 that he was going up to his apt. to go to bed. Very, very odd and completely out of character. I told her I'm "numb" at this point, and that from now on I'm focusing on and taking care of me. I also told her about the massage school incident, and she agreed that it's not upto any man or any person to ridicule me for not being certain what I want to do yet with myself career-wise. She agreed that is must be daunting to be living alone and, after having not worked for almost 18 years, forced to figure out what to do. She even went so far as to say "And, if you get to the massage therapy school and change your mind about that and find something else along the way that's okay too."
So, I haven't talked to dum dum since Monday and I'm taking care of me. It's awesome. Of course, I feel sad as I spent 14 months with this person but heck, at least I have nobody to argue with now.
So, I'm going to the school at 11:15 (my appt. time) and I guess I will have to decide pretty quickly if I want to enroll as I think classes there begin in November (or late October). If I enroll, then next year at this time I could be working somewhere as a licensed massage therapist.
Funny, I talked to one of my best friends on the phone yesterday about this. She knows Steve and when I told her about the massage therapy school she started laughing out loud. She said "Oh, my gosh. I can't believe you thought you could tell him that and he would be okay with it." She and I then discussed how he's probably imagining the worst thing, and that is other students or guys practicing massaging me and me massaging them. She feels that was way too much for him to handle.
Will keep you posted after I go today.
Laura
P.S. Reading a new book. It's called "Change your thoughts, change your life." Dr. Wayne Dyer. Check it out. Great book so far. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2007 : 16:08:28
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Well, I went to the massage school. I was there for two hours. My back was aching the entire time. I walk in and I'm greeted by this cheerful girl who tells me to fill out papework. I fill it out and then I'm escorted into a room where I'm "interviewed" so to speak. She asks me all kinds of questions and I have to answer honestly and to the best of my ability. Let me tell you, this is all scary as hell to me!
During this interview, she wants to know how I found out about this massage school. I told her I saw a massage therapist last week for my back pain. Then, she asks me "Are you going to be able to do a profession like massage therapist with your back pain? I thought "How the hell do I know" but answered confidently "Yes, no problem." Then, she asks me if I can commit to one year in massage school. The cost is $13,000 plus and I MAY get a grant or loan or I may NOT. We don't know. She asks if I have any vacations lined up. I tearfully (I say tearfully, as I had to choke back the tears as I responded) tell her I have a trip to Cancun lined up with my "boyfriend" (for lack of a better word) but that we haven't spoken since Monday. I told her also that we are supposed to go to Maui for Christmas with all our kids. I have to try to keep it together through all of this, when in reality I want to jump up, burst into full on tears, and run out of there as fast as I can!
She suggests I take the night classes, which are Mon and Wed from 6 to 10, keeping me away from my kids for about 5 hours a night each Mon and Wed, plus you have to attend ALL day every Saturday. Mind you, I'm not even fully "sold" if this is what I want for my entire future but now I'm told I must make a decision by tomorrow. Are you kidding me here????? This is one of the biggest decisions of my life and I have to know tomorrow?
I leave and get into my car and it's all I can do to keep from crying in the parking lot. I'm scared to death, quite frankly. Talk about venturing completely into the unknown. The cost, the investment of time, and IS THIS WHAT I TRULY WANT OR AM I CRAZY AND DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK I WANT???
I called my good friend on the way home (I have one or two left, and this one always tells me like it is and I love it). She thinks perhaps I'm a bit nuts. I'm nuts for still thinking about the idiot I've called my boyfriend and the love of my life. I'm nuts for even entertaining being with him another second. I need to let go, she tells me, because he doesn't really love me and he can't love me and treat me the way he does. She also thinks that maybe I ought not to invest this huge investment and time and just go GET A FREAKING JOB, even if it's selling cosmetics at Macy's (down the street from me a mile and a half).
I'm thoroughly lost. I'm sad beyond belief. I'm angry as hell at Steve for all that he's done and for not being who I want him or need him to be as a human being. I'm scared I will NEVER figure out what the heck I want with my life. Maybe I'm just going to live the rest of my days in a state of paralysis until my bank account is depleted and then I'll go live in my car (if the bank doesn't reposses it first).
So, here I sit, wracked in pain once again and not clear what direction I need to go in my life.
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2007 : 17:47:54
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Laura, you can always try the massage therapy route later. It sounds like you are not ready to make that decision now, and maybe this school is not the best for you if they are putting that kind of pressure down.
It seems like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. While your friend's advice is sound in the long run, in the short run you will no doubt need to think about and grieve over the end of your relationship with your boyfriend. And eventually you will need a job, but why push so hard on it, whether it's massage or Macy's? Do it at a pace that works for you.
As is common with TMS, I think it is self-pressure that is the biggest pressure here. Your unconscious is likely angry with your perfectionist side, and some pain could be coming out of this.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2007 : 18:57:10
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You are probably right. I keep thinking the phone is going to ring and we're going to talk and this has been one huge bad dream. But I don't think it is. Steve has thrown me in front of bus one too many times. My girlfriend says that if he truly professes to love me he wouldn't treat me the way he does.
As far as the massage school, I'm totally at a loss for what to do. This pressure is a little much. I don't honestly think I can make a fair decision yet but I'm almost forced to do so. I was at the mall just now and there were these guys with their massage chairs set up working on people. I let this guy work on me and it hurt so freaking bad I almost cried out in pain. I thought "Wow, people like this can make it. Even I would know if someone said their back was in spasm not to apply too much pressure." This guy was way too rough with me.
So, off I go now to try and work out on the treadmill, pain and all. I'm going to go slow, and not overdo it.
One day at a time. I will just have to take all of this one day at a time. I just don't know about any of it right now.
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2007 : 19:16:31
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quote:
called my good friend on the way home (I have one or two left, and this one always tells me like it is and I love it).
I've always tried to tell you like it is as well, even when I was certain you weren't going to like it, including a discussion of this fellow back in the beginning...You did indeed get quite angry with me...
The pattern is....a tumultuous relationship with a narcissistic jerk (including your ex-husband), an ongoing series of decisions to break things off, each break-up followed by much sadness and ambivalence and eventually reconciliation...YOur comment about thinking the phone's going to ring and it's all going to be proven a bad dream seems pretty clear in its implications..Ultimately you manage to break away and I give you all the credit in the world for that...BUt how much easier to not got sucked in in the first place...
As to massage school, I know where ACL is coming from, but for what its' worth, I disagree...anything worthwhile involves expense, inconvenience, and pain...The real question is, is is better to go through that sooner or later...Just suppose you'd gone through massage school a year ago...Wouldn't it be nice to be in that position today? Unless there's good reason to think you're going to be in a much better place 6 months from now, why put it off?
One obvious caveat re massage...My advice is based on it being something for you....My experience with good massage therapists is that they really love their work...I for one would make a terrible massage therapist...For one thing, I'm judgemental about people's bodies and am easily grossed out...Sounds terrible and superficial and all that, but it's the truth...
But I think that's something you can tell about yourself without having to think about it for a long time...
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Edited by - art on 09/05/2007 19:22:52 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 00:36:32
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Funny you should say that, about being grossed out. I too get grossed out by certain body types. I keep picturing some 500 pound, hairy guy and it turns my stomach to think I'd have to massage him. I'm supposed to make a decision by tomorrow, and I'm nowhere near making that decision. I just am not sure what I want and I am the only one who can figure it out.
As far as Steve, yes Art you did tell me your opinion on the matter a year ago. But that's how it works in the world. We all have to experience things for ourselves. No one else is in the relationship. We are. I am in this relationship and have been in it and you can stand on the outside and say what you feel but I have to figure that all out on my own. Even now, with everyone telling me to "cut him loose" it's still difficult and there's a part of me who still wants to be with him. Obviously, we haven't spoken in a couple days. I have no intention of calling or making any move towards talking. I'm just numb now to all of it. I'm working on me and figuring out what I have to do. A couple of people have told me "You can do better." That's all well and fine, but I have to figure that out for me on my own. That's how it works, unfortunately.
Anyway, thanks for your input. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 05:51:58
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quote:
Originally posted by Laura
Funny you should say that, about being grossed out. I too get grossed out by certain body types. I keep picturing some 500 pound, hairy guy and it turns my stomach to think I'd have to massage him. I'm supposed to make a decision by tomorrow, and I'm nowhere near making that decision. I just am not sure what I want and I am the only one who can figure it out.
As far as Steve, yes Art you did tell me your opinion on the matter a year ago. But that's how it works in the world. We all have to experience things for ourselves. No one else is in the relationship. We are. I am in this relationship and have been in it and you can stand on the outside and say what you feel but I have to figure that all out on my own. Even now, with everyone telling me to "cut him loose" it's still difficult and there's a part of me who still wants to be with him. Obviously, we haven't spoken in a couple days. I have no intention of calling or making any move towards talking. I'm just numb now to all of it. I'm working on me and figuring out what I have to do. A couple of people have told me "You can do better." That's all well and fine, but I have to figure that out for me on my own. That's how it works, unfortunately.
Anyway, thanks for your input.
It's not easy to sit here and type words you're absolutely certain are not going to be well received. I like to be liked. I'm as sensitive as the next guy. But for all that, I'll always tell you the truth, or at least the truth as I see it. Otherwise it's hard to see the point. I didn't bring up our earlier conversations about Steve to rub it in, or tell you "I told you so" but because it felt to me like the elephant in our conversational living room...JUst as I counseled against getting involved with him, I counsel breaking it off....and not only if he doesn't call..
The past is prologue. Learn from it and find a new, improved life, or don't learn and continue to live the same painful life forever. Every time you enter into a relationship with a selfish, narcissistic jerk, you're making a deal with the devil in just the way a junkie or alcoholic makes a deal every time he uses despite knowing better...It feels good in the short term, but the payoff is pain and suffering that only gets worse as the years go by..
Time and youth are a kind of currency. Spend them wisely.
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Edited by - art on 09/06/2007 05:56:03 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 08:18:19
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A friend of mine who is wise beyond her years told me the other day "Nobody can determine if you should be with Steve or not be with Steve because nobody understands how you feel or what you have except you. Only YOU can make that deterimation." I am in full agreement. While others can offer their advice, it is solely upto me to decide how to handle this. And I will do just that, based on my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions on the matter. I DO believe Steve to be quite narcissistic, controlling, and manipulative. I DO believe that it may be in my best interest to cut him loose for good. I will do this on my own terms. But again, I say thank you to EVERYONE here at this forum for their input.
Going to stop posting now for awhile as I'm under some pressure here with a lot of things and probably just need some quiet meditation time to figure out my life.
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 08:30:36
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quote:
Originally posted by Laura
A friend of mine who is wise beyond her years told me the other day "Nobody can determine if you should be with Steve or not be with Steve because nobody understands how you feel or what you have except you. Only YOU can make that deterimation." I am in full agreement. While others can offer their advice, it is solely upto me to decide how to handle this. And I will do just that, based on my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions on the matter. I DO believe Steve to be quite narcissistic, controlling, and manipulative. I DO believe that it may be in my best interest to cut him loose for good. I will do this on my own terms. But again, I say thank you to EVERYONE here at this forum for their input.
Going to stop posting now for awhile as I'm under some pressure here with a lot of things and probably just need some quiet meditation time to figure out my life.
Best of luck Laura...You deserve all the happiness in the world |
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michelle
1 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 09:20:14
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 Art - thanks for running Laura away. It was good for her to vent and I don't believe she was asking you to be her counselor  |
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I'm back - and so is my back pain
