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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
 Posted - 07/17/2007 : 15:28:27
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I give up...I think..
I was listening to the Sarno CD for the 100th time on the way home from work, and he said "it's as if the mind decides the physical pain is preferable to the emotional pain".
Of course we all know that. But what kind of got me was it's (TMS)just fixed in place. And all the journaling of built up rage and emotional pain, all the shouting at my brain, all the sarno reading, all the "work", all the whatever, I can't take it anymore. I do all this between jobs (utility worker) in my work van. I've hit painful repressed emotions that made me cry for 1-2hrs, I've repeatedly gone over current stresses, former stresses, childhood emotions. yada yada.
I guess I just kind of give up. I've resigned that any injury I would've had to have cleared up in weeks back in Feburary/March. I'm going on 6mos of this now. My journaling today consisted of actually asking TMS why are you doing this to me? I'ts destroying me. It's taken any pleasure from anything away from me in my life. The favor it thinks it's doing for me is backfiring. As "House" says, his pain sucks the life out of him. I can fight no longer. I've done the brain talk, not gonna be a victim etc..but I dread doing it because it exhausts me.
I give up. I understand TMS. I have the knowledge. Whenever I'm aware of the pain I forcefully shift to a psychological thought as a counter attack. But I can't get relief. Do I just accept the chronic pain? I basically do the "work" all day. Should I just do the work in a one time shot everyday and leave it there? Am I overloading?
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Gemma_Louise
United Kingdom
68 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2007 : 15:46:14
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Hi, I really feel for you. I understand how you must feel so demoralised. Maybe you are doing too much and putting too much pressure on yourself. Try to cut back a bit like you say and see if that makes a difference. I hope you see an improvement.  |
Edited by - Gemma_Louise on 07/17/2007 15:46:38 |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2007 : 16:02:19
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skiz...
Give yourself a break. A couple of suggestions based on my own experience...
1: To the extent possible, devalue your own pain with a larger, more humane view of the world and the suffering it contains.
2: When in pain, simply carry on. It's TMS, it can't hurt you. Stop trying so hard and simply live your life. YOu might be pleasantly surprised.
3: Strive for gratitude for the things that are good in your life, and the health that you do have.
4: If there's something in your life that you know in your gut is toxic to your health, strive to eliminate it, or modify it to the very extent possible.
5: Laugh more, cry less.
6: Never forget that health and happiness are not owed to you in any cosmic sense. Remain as humble as you can in the face of your own pain, as well as your own happiness and well-being.
7: Laugh more, cry less.
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Edited by - art on 07/17/2007 16:11:01 |
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JohnD
USA
371 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2007 : 16:03:31
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WHenever I find myself digging more of a hole for myself, rather than digging myself out of a hole.....then I know its time to get help/support from someone else to help me out a little bit.
It sounds to me like you may just need some extra support in applying the TMS principles. Have you seen a TMS doctor? WHat about seeing a therapist that could help support you with this?
In the meantime, my advice would be to take on a "less is more" approach.
Good luck, and get yourself the support that you need to succeed....you're worth it |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2007 : 16:11:22
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I agree with the other advice. If I were to guess, I would say the reason you still have pain is that the pain still grabs you emotionally. It still affects you, a lot. Doing 'the work', worrying about the pain, shouting at the pain...it is now a distraction of itself. You still have an emotional life that is centered on the pain, which is the goal of the pain. Therefore, subvert it by letting go, by totally ignoring it. Have other emotions. Love your kids. Get angry at a driver who cuts you off. Whatever. Live your life.
Just let go. Serious stuff has been ruled out, you pretty much know you have TMS. Do stuff you enjoy, do as much exercise as you want to/can. If you catch yourself worrying about the pain, don't stress about it. Just go "Oh, that's just me worrying about that old silly pain. On to something else now."
It sounds easier than it is, but in time you'll develop new habits. And I strongly suspect the pain will just fade away in the end.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2007 : 17:18:35
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Hi shizzik,
Breathe.
First of all, you have to stop blaming yourself for this condition (TMS). Its NOT your fault your brain got wired this way. The first step is to forgive yourself. You may not realize you are doing this since you are fighting the pain 24x7. I know you are blaming yourself tremendously for "being broken". You are not broken. I know this because I did the same thing to myself for years.
Second, stop fighting the pain. Just stop. Let go. Let it hurt. Go ahead, just stop fighting and let it hurt. In the long run the pain is not going to damage your body since the pain is benign. It is real pain but you are in no danger to just let it hurt. When I was flat on my back for days unable to move, this is the point when I turned the corner, when I stopped fighting the pain and just let it have me. Just let the pain flow thru you.
Third, see a doc (a TMS doc if you can) and get some pain meds. Sarno recommends pain meds to help take the edge off. The biggest mistake I ever made was NOT getting any pain meds (beacuse at the time I didn't know about Sarno). I just thought I would be the tough guy and tough it out. You don't have to follow me on that route.
Take care, -Stryder
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salamander
85 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2007 : 19:13:06
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Along with what the others said, I would set goals (baby steps)about getting back to "normal". Start resuming things that you used to enjoy before your back pain. Now, if you were running 10 miles I would not suggest doing that, but instead walk one mile, two, three, etc....In a week try running 1/4 mile, then 1/2 mile, etc...
The idea is to start resuming those activities which you're most afraid to start. Keep track of your progress and work up to it.
The point being is to regain confidense in your body. I know that what held me back from recovery was the constant worry that there might really be something wrong. I babied my back, and as a result, I was subconsciously feeding into the "syndrome".
My 2 cents.... |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2007 : 20:59:40
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quote:
Originally posted by skizzik
I give up...I think..
I'm so sorry you are hurting so much and suffering. This TMS sh*%makes me so angry that we don't know more and faster ways to help people instantly recover. Hang in ther Skizz ... and never ever give up!!!!!
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the time and place that the tide will turn." ~ Harrier Beecher Stowe
((((((((((((Skizzik)))))))))))))
>|< Penny |
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westcoastram
97 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2007 : 23:29:43
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Skizzik,
Maybe you'd benefit from talking to a therapist about it. Journalling is great, but sometimes having someone else, another person to prod and push a little is just the ticket. Definitely check if they're open to a mind/body approach but I know in my case it was my work with a therapist that brought me all the way back to healthy (well, relatively).
WCR |
Edited by - westcoastram on 07/17/2007 23:45:26 |
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mikescott_98
USA
49 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2007 : 06:36:50
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skizzik,
Get ready to say "huh, thats easy for you to say!"
I have been battling a TMS equivalent (Acid Reflux/heartburn) for a few months now and have been enduring the pain without taking antacids, which was not easy. The symptoms started to go away somewhat. Then, while at work, I was lifting some items and had a pain shoot through my lower back; I have not had this happen in many years. This is where you MUST believe Sarno when he says "there is nothing wrong with you back" and "its emotional not physical". 30 seconds after the initial pain, I picked up more than the first time making sure I DID use my back and not my legs to lift it. Essentially laughing at my mind for trying that old trick. Within a few hours the pain was gone.
You did not say what/where the pain you have is, but instead of taking it easy, repeat "there is nothing wrong with you back (or whatever is hurting)" and "its emotional not physical" then do more not less activity with the problem area. I know easier said than done.
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2007 : 06:40:01
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skizzik,
Yes, you are overloading. If you are working on this all day everyday then that is way too much. You have to set aside times and not be obsessing about it all of the time. I used to do this and it was not helpful at all. I also think you have placed a lot of pressure on yourself to recover within a certain time frame. The reality is the more you want the pain to go away the more it will insist on staying. The resumption of normal physical activity is a very important part of Dr. Sarno's treament program. I also recommend Dr. Brady's "Pain Free For Life" as he offers more practical advice and insights which you may find helpful.
Shawn
*******
Sarno-ize it!
Read chapter 4 of Dr. Sarno's "The Divided Mind." It's all you need to know in order to recover. |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2007 : 10:07:03
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quote:
Do I just accept the chronic pain?
In a nutshell, yes.
You must accept the pain as a benign signal that there is an emotional conflict in your unconscious.
You can't make it go away no matter how much you read or analyze yourself or journal. You are not in control of the pain. ACCEPT THAT.
The sooner you accept it and learn to ignore it, the faster it will fade.
By overdoing it, you are perpetuating the distraction. You are making it more complicated than it needs to be. |
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h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 08:21:01
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| skiz, How are you doing? |
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rjm
16 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 12:56:32
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I can really relate to what you are saying because I was about 80% better from my outer calf muscle pain/spasming (had been in my other leg for months before and switched legs) after reading Dr. Sarno and Dr. Schecter's stuff and journaling, went off on a tangent to try massage therapy and even saw a chiroprator my massage therapist recommended (fortunately what he said seemed like such BS I never did the treatments thank goodness). I also gave up massage therapy after 4 sessions as at first it seemed to help as a temporary fix for maybe a couple of days and then I felt worse.
So I got back on track and said forget the physical, focus on the mind-body again. I read through most of Fred Amir's book and was very excited about a more specific technique to move this forward quickly, but after I started applying his program I was upset to find I was experiencing more frequent flare-ups and spasms of greater intensity and duration, so now I am very confused and feeling lost as to what to do next to get better again. Now I would kill for being back at 80%.
It's all well and good to say well let the pain go as it doesn't hurt you or cause further damage. I get that. But when I get a spasm in my leg muscle that feels like someone is ripping the leg in two and I literally can't put my foot down on the ground and walk for several minutes, you can't be normal at that moment like that. The pain is excruciating and I can't always be strong enough not cry from it. I took 3 ibuprofen this morning, self-talked the heck out of it and it didn't do anything.
It took me a half an hour to finally get the spasm to stop enough and to stop crying enough after I got to my office this morning to walk inside. You can't go about your normal activities like work and recreation, etc. when at any point something like that can hit you. And that brings you down even more. That's the problem, going about your life with your very real pain, even if it is your brain screwing with you.
It's strange because I can walk for miles, ride an exercise bike, kickbox with low kicks and weight train with my personal trainer with almost no problems, but if I sit for a few minutes or when I wake up, that's the problem. I feel I can never relax because I can't sit or lay down for any length of time. I can sleep for a couple of hours at a time, but when I go to move to use the bathroom or upon waking in the morning, it takes me a good half an hour to get the leg to calm down enough to go about my morning and sometimes it never does really do so.
So how do you end up not being a basket case in your life commitments while you work this mind-body thing? And I am puzzled why I now cannot get back to 80% better again. Thanks. |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 19:31:10
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thanx guys for lending me your support. It's good to have a venting place to those who understand. I got a couple supportive e-mails too, thanx.
I've read all the replies several times over now, and they are so helpful.
Lets see...that was tuesday afternoon. I took my little boys to soccer practice after I flipped out on that post, and was suprised I was able to read a fun book other than Sarno and sit in one of those canvas folding chairs w/ no real back discomfort for 2 whole practices.
I was back in the pain bin wed and today however, and of course I started to flip out again. It was so nice to come bk to this thread and see more support and advice. It kept me going.
I gotta go put the kiddies to bed now while wifey is out w/ friends (she earned it), I'm kinda comfy for the first time today and am afraid to get up.
I think I'm resigning to the notion that while I have to take a long term view, in addition to my overloaded childhood, that my stress level is maxed, and it's repressed city! And because of that, perhaps I just need to wait it out. "It" being this time in my life that just needs to settle down. I've been thru a TON this year. Heck the last few years, and another set of huge changes are coming for me in a month. Many of you already know what I've been thru this year w/ my "MRI" thread.
I'll probably throw it all out there again for theraputic purposes again though.
In the meantime, I'm going w/ the family on a road trip this weekend for the week. 9 hr drive . W/ three kiddos thats gonna be 10-11 hrs. I don't know if I can hold up, or, just maybe I'll be one of those lucky ones that say they had no pain on vacation, and have a "aha" moment. But are those the ones who can kick back and relax? Cause there aint no relaxin w/ the kids and wife who can't sit still. We did the beach 2 weeks ago and my head is on a swivel the whole time looking for them. And of course, I'll be worried about the bills.
OK, spine ache coming back . I guess it's like the migraines I used to get. Back then I knew I was stressed, and linked them, and eventually I stopped suffering from them. There was no stopping them however, when they came, I was toast. And it's like I'm getting spine migraines now. I think w/ the same approach, linking them to the stress, they will fade. I hope. I'm not sure I'm suffering from repressed emotions at this time, I think I'm suffering from everything I'm going thru right now. It's all out in front of me, and it just keeps going to my spine. And it's a very successful, convienent strategy. Because I have to keep chasing away the structural thoughts. I think those thoughts are becoming less and less however, and perhaps thats a good sign.
Again thanx for all your responses. |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 19:32:14
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hey, I got my 2nd star! |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 19:53:46
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Wow!!!!! You just posted so many insightful gems of wisdom, Skizzik!!!! The reinvented migraines, AND about all the emotional things you are dealing with. It sounds like you are on the right track. WHOO WHOO!!!
My fam just did an 11 hour drive (in a small car) last week to NY for a week and I survived without ER visits or divorce. We have 2 younguns. I got lots of twitches and near migraines but kept looking emotionally and was quite moody, which is very unlike me: I have lived most of my life on a steady "UP" happy mood. My hubby and I had a big discussion which seemed to help me flush some yuck out and even me out and help me relax. I recently realized that our perfect marriage was less than perfect, but we're a work in progress, aren't all relationships?!
Don't try to have a "good" time on your vacation. Try to be honest with how you are feeling about things ... without kicking the dog (that's the hard part) OR without beating yourself up if you are less than ON for your family. You deserve to have a time to share how you are really feeling, whether it's scared about money, or your job, or fatherhood, of husbandom ... you deserve to just be where you are emotionally right now, even if your miserable.
Something I realized last week is that I often believe ALL of my thoughts, and end up defining myself by too many of them that are actually NOT true for me. We are not our thoughts, we are the thinker. (I'm sure I'm paraphrasing Eckhart Tolle here 
I hope you have a safe and honest trip without TMS work or hassle!
>|< Penny
"Oz never did give nothing to the Tinman that he didn't already have."
song lyric, America |
Edited by - Penny on 07/19/2007 20:01:07 |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 20:26:13
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| thanx penny |
Edited by - skizzik on 07/19/2007 20:26:41 |
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wrldtrv
666 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 21:55:10
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| RJM--This might be a longshot, but did you check into the possibility of an electrolyte imbalance (easily remedied by replacing with gatorade or other sports drinks)? If what you have is the typical "charley horse", an excruciating calf spasm that usually occurs while in bed, this is one good possiblity. I know, I just had one a few days ago. The last time was after a marathon lying in the hotel room, very dehydrated, of course. |
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rjm
16 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 23:47:19
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[quote]Originally posted by wrldtrv
RJM--This might be a longshot, but did you check into the possibility of an electrolyte imbalance (easily remedied by replacing with gatorade or other sports drinks)?
wrldtrv--thanks for the thought I have considered that possibility and have been having electrolyte drinks when working out, lots of water other times and even a nutritional electrolyte supplement, but unfortunately that is not it (although I still think doing those things is a good idea anyway). It's definitely a TMS manifestation. But I'm working on it.
Thanks for letting me get it out at least anyway. Just being able to write about this stuff to people who understand is very helpful too. |
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mikescott_98
USA
49 Posts |
Posted - 07/20/2007 : 07:12:14
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quote:
It's strange because I can walk for miles, ride an exercise bike, kickbox with low kicks and weight train with my personal trainer with almost no problems, but if I sit for a few minutes or when I wake up, that's the problem. I feel I can never relax because I can't sit or lay down for any length of time. I can sleep for a couple of hours at a time, but when I go to move to use the bathroom or upon waking in the morning, it takes me a good half an hour to get the leg to calm down enough to go about my morning and sometimes it never does really do so.
RJM,
This sounds like what Sarno explains as "conditioned response" like the bell ringing causes a physical response (salivating) in the Pavlo's dog experiment. He used the example of a person that had to load and unload a truck all day without pain, but when he leaned over to shave in the morning he would get a terrible pain in his back. If you unconsciously expect pain when you do a task (or relax in your case), your mind will certainly use it as a trigger to induce the pain. Another bit of wisdom he mentions about conditioned responses is that for every person that has a respone to a certain action there is surley a person who has the exact oppsiite respones for the same symptoms.
--Some people must sleep in on a soft bead and others a rock hard bed or they will get back pain.
--Some people get a pain if they sit for more than a few minutes and must stand up others must sit after standing for a few minutes |
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throwing in the towel
