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carbar
USA
227 Posts |
 Posted - 07/19/2007 : 09:46:37
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I know this book by John Bradshaw has been mentioned on the forum before, but I just had the chance to pick it up this week.
Powerful stuff. Definitely stirred up a lot of the inner child pain.
I'm an only child, I don't live very close to my parents, see them 3 or 4 times a year. I'm so angry (particularly at my mom) right now about how they emotionally neglected me as a kid, I feel like I never want to see them again.
I know it's a personal topic, but I'd love some insight. Anyone care to discuss, how do you reconcile with the emotional pain that your family caused you?
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 10:05:16
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| I'm glad you picked the book up, I think eveyone with ong oing TMS should read it. Because it covers the goodist and the perfectionist personality types, and gives wonderful insights into what you should be journaling about. One of the most important thing is that you are now realizing some repressed anger and rage. THe key to healing is to become aware of what is going on. I think just knowing about something, can help one to start to change. Just remember, healing is a process. Little by little. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 10:17:12
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Car,
It's hard. I'm 56 years old and still have pain around that issue. Keep working on it, I promise it will get better. BUt part of the process is first identifying and understanding the damage the parents have done. Inevitably, this involves some pain and anger...
How hard is it to be nice to a little kid? Mind-boggling, the damage they can do... |
Edited by - art on 07/19/2007 10:18:33 |
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basil
52 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 10:49:50
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I was bullied by my stepdad for over 10 years. He use to play many games with me I now recall. He use to trick me into thinking everything was okay and he would be a father to me just to bring up some other crazy rule and punishment. For many years I thought I was the one causing problems in the family which he use to backup with daily visits to my room making sure I knew what I had done this time.
I never really thought it had affected me that much because I left when I was 16 cried a little and then carried on. But looking back I think it has been a big part of the journey to who I am now. I still got to keep a straight face now when he comes round to visit my half sister. Maybe I should play a trick on him now :)
I will definitely look into this book. Its not spiritual though is it? |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 12:06:09
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basil, Bradshaw does have some spiritual leanings, but I assure you the book is extremely insightful and useful even if you filter out all the God stuff, as I did. Very much worth it.
Carbar, I don't really have any answers about what to do. I am at a similar place to you. But I think that realizing and acknowledging the pain and anger is the first step, as painful as it is. You might find the Creative Growth essay by Teresa Kaplan (Growing Towards Wholeness Through Grief) helpful also, I really love it for what it says about our emotional journey through this kind of experience. http://www.creativegrowth.com/teresa.htm.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
Edited by - armchairlinguist on 07/19/2007 12:09:05 |
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Sky
USA
96 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 14:41:54
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you guys might like Byron Katie's "I Need Your Love - Is That True?"
it deals with feeling a need for love not only from signifanct others but also from everyone else in your life, to friends, coworkers, and parents.
It specifically addresses anger at parents for neglect and other misdeeds.
Her basic message is that fighting what "is," or believing thoughts of ours that are far from entirely true, causes us to feel hurt, anger, sadness, and lonelienss. She outlines a method of questioning one's feelings about a particularly painful relationship, and the method can really leaves you feeling at peace and at ease with something that was once so painful and anger-inducing.
Sarno got me to accept my anger instead of repressing it, and Katie helped me question it in an effective way that helps me dissolve the anger. I recommend the book.
Best of luck, guys, and let us know how your progress goes! |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 20:27:28
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quote:
Originally posted by carbar
I feel like I never want to see them again.
Hi Carbar, I think I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been going thru something similar. Then I feel terrible guilt on top of my anger. I also realize that I have varying feelings about them. I mean, I love them, so how can I be angry or stay angry with them for things in the past? I'm coming to terms with the fact that it is ok for me to be upset with them for the past and have a relationship with them in the present.
I've been working with a therapist and he's been very helpful in getting me to connect with some things that I dissassociated. I think as a result of therapy, I am resetting some boundaries that are making a newly defined relationship possible for me with my parents. I have challenged my parents on some things, and shared some things that I don't like the way they treat me, and somehow I feel more respected by them for speaking up. This hasn't been easy, but I offer this to you in case it can help you.
Many of us here talk about not setting deadlines with getting well: I think the same is true for experiencing or harboring anger towards our parents or other people in our lives who have harmed us. This anger is very real, and probably has more energy because for most of us it's been repressed for a long time. I believe my personal anger is transient and won't last. I'm learning from it and figuring out what things are no longer acceptable to me and this has been very empowering.
I wish you all the best on your journey with this. It can be miserable, but honestly it is NOT without positive gain.
>|< Penny
"Oz never did give nothing to the Tinman that he didn't already have."
song lyric, America |
Edited by - Penny on 07/19/2007 20:32:54 |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 07/20/2007 : 11:47:20
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quote:
Originally posted by carbar
I know it's a personal topic, but I'd love some insight. Anyone care to discuss, how do you reconcile with the emotional pain that your family caused you?
Car- I can relate to what you are going through because i'm going through it as well, both past and present stuff. I think the best way to deal with it is to bond with your IC and accept and embrace all the feelings that this child is holding on to. Yes, it is a painful process but it is somehow a good pain. It's a pain that brings you into a state of wholeness and ultimate peace with yourself. Additionally it hopefully will lead to a place of forgiveness. I can't say i'm there yet but this is what I am working towards. Take care of that little girl inside you and you will feel progressively better. |
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healing the shame that binds you -- parents
