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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
 Posted - 06/02/2007 : 10:35:25
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Let me just say that my major dilema, is not to have surgery or not, but wether my spine is severly sprained and needs a unit of time to heal? I mean, I've already cured myself in the past. But it's this damn spine pain. DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT!!!
I'm reading brady's book, and he has a good section of questions you can ask yourself when journaling. Well, everytime its like a "whats bothering you most" question....Well it's the damn pain!
Whats your biggest dissapointment? "Injuring my back"....
ARRRRGH, cant f-in take it anymore. I should be enjoying a rare saturday off and playing w/ my kids. But I have to keep stopping paying attention to them and the wife and zoning out just to figure out what my internal rages are. I've covered everything! over and over. I understand if you guys are fustrated w/ me. I don't know, I just dont know...I used to be baseball65, shawnsmith, so confident. It was black and white. Your'e stressed dude, it's repressed emotions. Well, It's been 4 mos of back pain, and equally 4mos of jumping back into sarno and TMS theory. And these God awful slumps.
I don't know if I'm done ranting or not, but I gotta go pretend to be a dad/husband now. Sometimes it's just easier to work saturdays because I hate being in pain or slumping in front of them. |
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LadyBug
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2007 : 12:47:07
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OK, I so understand what you are saying. And I do believe one of the biggest stresses is the PAIN. And I get the pretend being a husband part. I have actually referred to myself as my husband's patient, not his wife. Doesn't Sarno say you don't have to know or fix what is emotionally bothering you.....you just have to know it's not physical? Maybe if you concentrate on just that knowledge and RELAX, the rest will come later. Stop beating yourself up. Just stop and know it's emotional. That's all. I wish you blessed peace.
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2007 : 13:18:07
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yeah, maybe Brady's book is setting me back. His story is good. But he calls it AOS, autotomic overload syndrome. That the unconcious is overloaded and needs to be released on paper/therapy whatever. He does'nt go the "it's enuff to know it's a distraction" route at all.
Brady's story is so good though. He said how at a resturaunt he would have to ask his wife 3 times to repeat something because he could'nt get his back pain out of his head.
It's hard for me to get that last heavy intense straining workout out of my head. I thought I was using lighter weights, but I forgot I was 20# down due to stress. (i'm an additional 20# down now, and not lookin that good) I could swear I had bruising in the lumbar area. But kept it quiet. Then the same night my wife asked if I had bruising (walkin around w/ shirt off) and I did'nt even ask her. Yikes. My heart dropped. Then she was like, maybe it's just the lighting. But that's too much of a coincidence. Thats why I can't help but feel my situation is unique to everyone here. I can't find any other stories like mine.
I saw a weightlifter thread where someone said Sarno said "if you could lift it then it was'nt too heavy".
But I did 5 sets of 5 heavy reps of low squats w/ heavy weight that day after work. then 5 sets of rowing and 5 sets of benching.
I was very fearful of a stress fracture. A radiologist said there are some that can't be seen on x-ray, hence the MRI. Maybe I'll be relieved after appointent on wed. The PA I talked too seemed cool and said that annular tears are no big deal and heal up.
But as Sarno would probaly say, heres the rub, you just came back to work after a month suspension w/ no pay, and the fear for 8 weeks prior that you were gonna lose your job as the patriarch of the family, and that even though you were pain free for 4 years, you never really journaled during that time to deal w/ the stresses you have, new daughter, house, whopping mortgage payment...All the parent problems, childhood trauma's etc...Then you throw it all into a TMS blender w/ the possible job loss in where you went into the deepest darkest funk ever. You've got post traumatic TMS. Well, I've gone over this scenario a million times.....I need a TMS breakthru in the worst way, or real actual physical healing.
As you can see, I do need to relax. Thank you for listening and responding. |
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LuvtoSew
USA
327 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2007 : 13:57:02
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Hey, I think a major purpose of this message board is a place to let it out, so go right ahead. Your not alone with these feelings. |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2007 : 15:45:12
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thanx ladybug
I'm annoyed too because Dr. Alao's office called me back and said he was'nt taking on any new patients. I said do they no anymore in my area or close. She said no. Can I correspond w/ him, get a quick phone call, anything,...... NO. 
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2007 : 23:12:14
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I kept coming back to the forum today as you can see......
And I went through the success stories....then went through many of Dave's posts (he posted in my thread) since I just realized today he runs the whole forum. (thank you for that Dave).
I came across (which I bumped) a thread, or a few where he describes a long term approach to TMS treatment. A lifetime habitual change if you will, instead of a "crash diet" so to speak. And we all know diets don't work.
It hit me that I've been rushing this to get where I was the last 4yrs. Each day ends in fustration, depression, anxiety that the severe pain is still there, that I really done it this time, I'll never play w/ my kids again blah blah blah...
So, I got up from the computer, grabbed my journal......and turned the page.....I then wrote in capital letters after putting the date and time down (6/2/07 6:04pm)...:
I ACCEPT TMS AS MY DIAGNOSIS.
THIS WILL BE LONG TERM AND MY PAIN WILL PASS.
"TMS EXISTS ONLY TO DISTRACT YOU FROM YOUR REPRESSED EMOTIONS"
the last line is from the 12 daily reminders. p.82 HBP
Well, I relaxed, toiled around the house a bit. Gave the kids showers, cause we were going next door for a neighborhood get together where I expected to be in pain and in a slump all night......
But, we headed next door around 8pm...It's now 1am in the morning...Maybe 2-3 times I thought how my back is'nt bothering me, or wow I havent even thought about the pain, or going into a slump all night. Prior to the party, I downed about 3 slices of pizza, and 2 bowls of honey comb cereal(eating for me is a sign I'm not depressed or anxious). Then, I drank about 5 beers w/ 2 shots of sambuca w/ the fella's, and I was in a great mood. (drinking is another sign I'm o.k., just social drinking)
I don't know how I'll feel tommorow, and I still plan to go long term. I'm even thinking of canceling the Dr. appt on wed. But this has to be a sign of some sort. I carried chairs to next door, to and fro. I carried my 7 yr old while he was sleeping from next door to here, and all the way up the stairs, then threw him on the top bunk, and I'm fine right now....hmmm..... |
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LadyBug
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2007 : 12:10:30
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Hey Again ~ I think I just located your "aha moment". YAY! Now if only these painless moments would last a little longer each time, it would be easier to relax and know our TMS logic is at work. But we are so tired and beaten down from the pain that when it returns we feel doomed. And scared to death. Let's you and I together, keep repeating to ourselves: BE STILL. KNOW THE THEORY. BE PATIENT. Glad you had an enjoyable evening. Hope today goes well. If it doesn't, see above.
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 06/04/2007 : 19:03:57
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thanx ladybug.
I just don't know anymore.
I keep getting this stinging stabbing pain in my l5 s1 area when sitting in my car to and fro work. I'ts consistent w/ the horrific stabbing pain I had there 4mos ago after the workout.
There's an annular tear there (L5 S1) that wasnt there 4 yrs ago. I'm not sure if that's whats causing the pain. But I consider myself a Sarno expert (former anyways) and nothings working.
I've journaled, read, discussed, cried. I'm exhausted. And as you can see from my last post, I decided it was TMS and would go full bore. If I'm not taking care of the kids, or working, I have a Sarno book in hand, or am journaling. No newspapers, magazines, no hobbies, no nothing, just Sarnoing my ass off...I've called off any timetables. I fake smile at home w/ the kids and wife (who's on to me) and work. But it hurts like a real injury, and I can't find anyone on here w/ these symptoms. It comes on hard the next day if I work out (w/ the lightest of weights or stretching).
TMS exists, Iv'e been there, but perhaps .....I Don't know...I was hoping this thread would have a happy ending. |
Edited by - skizzik on 06/04/2007 19:07:28 |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 06/04/2007 : 19:24:49
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Hi Skizzik,
Have you gone down the Holmes-Rahe list for emotional life-cycle causes for TMS? I'll repost it here for you.
Good Luck,
tt
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From Page 26 of Dr. John E. Sarno's THE MINDBODY PRESCRIPTION:
"Many years ago New York psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe studied the causative role of stressful life events "in the natural history of many diseases." They reported on a list of these events, some of which were negative but many identified as socially desirable and "consonant with the American values of achievement, success, materialism, practicality, efficiency, future orientation, conformism and self-reliance." The list is reproduced here. We postulate that these events produce "disease" through the mechanism of internal rage. The events are listed in order of decreasing stress:
1. Death of a spouse
2. Divorce
3. Marital separation
4. Jail term
5. Death of close family member
6. Personal injury or illness
7. Marriage
8. Fired at work
9. Marital reconciliation
10. Retirement
11. Change in health of a family member
12. Pregnancy
13. Sex difficulties
14. Gain of a new family member
15. Business readjustment
16. Change in financial state
17. Death of a close friend
18. Change to different line of work
19. Change in number of arguments with spouse
20. Mortagage over $10,000 [in the 1960's]
21. Foreclosure of mortagage or loan
22. Change of responsibilities at work
23. Son or daughter leaving home
24. Trouble with in-laws
25. Outstanding personal achievements
26. Wife begins or stops work
27. Begin or end school
28. Change in living conditions
29. Revision of personal habits
30. Trouble with boss
31. Change in work hours or conditions
32. Change in residence
33. Change in schools
34. Change in recreation
35. Change in church activities
36. Change in social acdtivities
37. Mortgage or loan less than $10,000
38. Change in sleeping habits
39. Change in number of family get-togethers
40. Change in eating habits
41. Vacation
42. Christmas
43. Minor violation of the law
Both positive and negative stress generate unconscious anger, whether or not one is consciously angry. Accumulated anger is rage, and frightening, unconscious rage leads to the development of physical symptoms."
Some of my favorite excerpts from " _THE DIVIDED MIND_ " :
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2007 : 04:37:52
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thank you TT,
yes, over and over. |
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LadyBug
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2007 : 06:56:09
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Hi Skiz ~ Tomorrow, being Wednesday, you are on my mind and in my thoughts. I am hoping that you can come to a peaceful resolution re: your MD app't. Are you taking it easy? I sure hope that you are resting your back a bit and giving it a chance to recover on its own. I like that word - Sarnoing. Sarno Sarnoer Sarnoist. That's us.
BTW, I am happy that your wife is "on to you". That is a blessing. I have become such a good actress, not even my own husband can tell when I am dying. It means she is in tune with you. Hang in there. You're not alone.
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2007 : 09:08:31
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Skizzik,
So then, which life-cycle changes on the H-R list are causing your TMS pain?
The basic premise of TMS is to shift your thinking from the structural to the psychogical, when you feel the pain.
Your post is dealing entirely with the structural.
Being "cured" of TMS is a misunderstanding of TMS theory. We can't read a TMS book and think that we will NEVER succumb to it again--that we have been innoculated for life against it and are forever immune.
The opposing sides of our minds, the id, ego and superego are always in conflict creating unconscius rage. Knowing the fundamentals of the TMS process, helps us to rid ourselves of TMS pain quicker in future attacks, but is not a guarantee that they will be bannished all together.
You don't have to post your personal emotional business here if you don't want to, you can journal it or work it out in your head.
Did any of the life-cycle situations on the H-R list resonate?
Dr. Sarno's inital writings deal more with the back due to his area of specialty, and due to the nature of the present epedemic. After treating 10,000 patients he saw that no part of the body is immune from the Gremlin. Your leg and foot are written about often in the TMS books.
In the past ulcers were the "fashionable" location for the TMS epedemic. When it was found out to be stress related, the epedmic and the media/medical/industrial hype spreading, shifted to the neck, back, hands and arms.
Don't worry about your leg and foot Skizzik, your having had some prior dealings with the Gremlin, he has picked a spot that would better confound you. The TMS epedemic is working it's way down the body, you are just a leg and foot ahead of it.
Good Luck!
tt
p.s. Is your board nick-name from the cartoon character? How did you come upon it? I remember at the Chicago Museum of Science & Industry they had a diorama made of wood of the Skizzik cartoon characters.
Some of my favorite excerpts from " _THE DIVIDED MIND_ " :
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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Edited by - tennis tom on 06/05/2007 23:41:04 |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2007 : 11:57:43
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thank you so much ladybug for being there for me. Rest? not really, utility worker and 3 kids, I have no choice but to return to normal activity. I miss the weights like crazy though, and have no physical outlet anymore to deal w/ the stress.
Oh, she's on to me. She's had it up to here w/ the anxiety/depression ,"slumps" etc...It's a relief when she goes out w/ her friends. She can't take it anymore. I've been messed up since halloween w/ the work problem, then the BP problem the start of Feb. All I look forward too is getting the kids to bed, then myself, wake/ repeat..no way to live.
Hey TT, thanx for hangin in there w/ me. I got the nickname from H.S. when a senior on the bus (I was a freshman) just said I'm gonna call you skizzik. I had a flat top at the time. It only stuck w/ one of my friends who called me skiz, and then faded away. So no I'm not sure of any other connotations.
Lets see, that list would pertain to me in, huge mortgage (for me anyways, NY taxes are nuts), revision of personal habits, change in recreation (just don't feel like doing anything), personal injury (I think), Wife is planning vacation, change in work (can't relax anymore being on probation), and Wife returning to work in 3 mos after 7-8 years off..
Oh yeah, I'm loaded.
I've also got major excema on my eyelids that are now cracking thru the skin, and an outer ear ulcer which is on its 5th month of healing, so both those symptoms happened around the same time.
c-ya |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2007 : 15:59:13
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quote:
I'm reading brady's book, and he has a good section of questions you can ask yourself when journaling. Well, everytime its like a "whats bothering you most" question....Well it's the damn pain!
Not too be too simplistic, but if the pain is still bothering you most, then it still has a grip on you and you are going to have to snap that grip to make it go away. The point of the pain is to make your whole life's up and down emotions about the pain, to get you into this "false" emotional life that centers on the pain so you cannot deal with your real life and real emotions. Your pain has completely succeeded in that.
It's obviously really hard to ignore, but you need to come up with some way of getting it at arms length. And I think your decision to take the long view is absolutely right. With TMS, it will go away and you don't have to panic or hate it or be wrapped up in it because you can know it'll go away. Ask your family's patience for a while longer and try to extricate yourself from the pain so you can attend to your life. You'll get there and there's nothing the worse about you because it may take time.
Try to attend to the other issues that are bothering you and see if you can take some positive action to both reinforce that the pain is not in charge and accomplish something you need to accomplish.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2007 : 20:38:23
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thank you armchair. "Simplistic" is the way to go. I'm trying so hard, and the support is so needed. I'm in a tizzy for sure. I'm torn between being patient, and fighting hard.
An approach to at least getting it to arms length will be a good accomplishment for me. |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2007 : 00:41:49
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quote:
Originally posted by skizzik
thank you so much ladybug for being there for me. Rest? not really, utility worker and 3 kids, I have no choice but to return to normal activity. I miss the weights like crazy though, and have no physical outlet anymore to deal w/ the stress.
Oh, she's on to me. She's had it up to here w/ the anxiety/depression ,"slumps" etc...It's a relief when she goes out w/ her friends. She can't take it anymore. I've been messed up since halloween w/ the work problem, then the BP problem the start of Feb. All I look forward too is getting the kids to bed, then myself, wake/ repeat..no way to live.
Hey TT, thanx for hangin in there w/ me. I got the nickname from H.S. when a senior on the bus (I was a freshman) just said I'm gonna call you skizzik. I had a flat top at the time. It only stuck w/ one of my friends who called me skiz, and then faded away. So no I'm not sure of any other connotations.
Lets see, that list would pertain to me in, huge mortgage (for me anyways, NY taxes are nuts), revision of personal habits, change in recreation (just don't feel like doing anything), personal injury (I think), Wife is planning vacation, change in work (can't relax anymore being on probation), and Wife returning to work in 3 mos after 7-8 years off..
Oh yeah, I'm loaded.
I've also got major excema on my eyelids that are now cracking thru the skin, and an outer ear ulcer which is on its 5th month of healing, so both those symptoms happened around the same time.
c-ya
Hi Skizzik,
Thanks for your explanation of your nick-name.
Your post is the best PROOF that you have TMS. You've been HIT with a HUGE amount of life-cycle pressures. Your TMS rage reservoir is filled to overflowing and the structural and affective symptoms are your protectors from exploding. Maybe if you can accept Dr. Sarno's theory, that the symptoms are there to PROTECT you, it may help with your understanding of what is happening to you.
I remember when you first started posting here, I appreciated your humor, cheerfulness and positive outlook. You are toughing this out and putting on a positive face courageously. Keep posting about the life-cycle pressures on the Holmes-Rahe list unless it's too personal for you. You won't come up with any emotional problems that haven't been discussed on this board.
I'm not clear if your wife is supporting you? Does she understand the TMS concept and being supportive of what you are going through? If not, that's not helping you any. The marriage vows do say for better or worse.
Can you get any therapy to help you through this very difficult period in your life?
Best wishes and my heart goes out to you,
tt
Some of my favorite excerpts from " _THE DIVIDED MIND_ " :
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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Edited by - tennis tom on 06/06/2007 00:44:14 |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2007 : 04:53:41
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Thanx TT. It's good to hear from an outside view that it's got to be TMS w/ how I sound in my posts. I've accepted the theory b4, and somewhere along the way I lost my religion perhaps. But I'm still trudging along. It's hard to believe I was cheerful and positive, I will have to go bk and look at my posts.
The wife....In hindsight, very supportive overall.
But she is human, and I can open up to her on the phone during the day, and she listens. And it helps. But once I get home, the house resembles the opening credits of supernanny, (chaos, 3 kids running amok) shes exhausted, and theres no time for the BP, depression whatever. The weekend is usually I work Saturday and have sunday off, but theres some birthday party (ours, neighbors, freinds or family) on sunday that I have to go to and look normal. Or we gotta do a family thing. I basically have zero down time. I used to get my down time between jobs at work, but thats gone. Then I get anxiety Sun afternoon about repeating the week. But w/ the work investigation, and the CFS, Malaise that I somehow made it thru in mid feb all the way to about mid april has taken a toll on us.
She goes back to work in Sept, and we now have to play the morning game of getting 2 kids to school and one to childcare in the morning. And I lose a full time caretaker (wife) at home. The money will be about the same because I'll have to take weekends fully off now due to being too strained all week dressing kids in the morning and shuttling them, and the cost of child care is up there.
She ultimately supports me, and I think we have a strong union. But I think she thinks I'm dumb for going to the gym so much last year and lifting so hard. And I'm mad at myself too. After that workout, I was like "oh no, now I've really done it. I threw all my stressors into the weights and did'nt deal w/ them properly. I was obsessed w/ working out. Just wanted to be huge. I guess to feel superior somehow. Perhaps cause I was bullied thru grade school and some of highschool (no confidence due to parent neglect issues), and getting bigger made me feel so good.
Now all I want is what I have, my family, my job etc...Just no pain.
I made the mistake of going to cognitive therapy, not knowing the difference. I am thinking about insight therapy now however.
thanx for your time. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
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LadyBug
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2007 : 07:06:29
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Hi Skiz ~ It is Wed! I'm pullin' for ya. Please let us know what happened with your app't. I'm currently reading TDM and just last evening read about how folks (men, mostly he said) drive themselves to exercise. Sometimes to the point of exhaustion and will hurt themsleves doing it. Is that you?
I'm only a month or so into Sarno. When I heard about it my husband picked up HBP for me at the library cause he was out at the time and I asked him to pick up a copy that I had requested to be put on hold for me. The librarian, when she checked it out for him, said to him, "That book changed my life." So he's asked just a couple of times about all of them I'm reading. I have said things like - well wait till I get thru it and I'll explain when I understand. Also, it's a little outta left field, let me get into it a little more and THEN I'll tell ya about it.... etc. Truth is, I don't think I want to tell him. I don't think he will understand or when I explain he will take the simplistic route and conclude this has all been "in my head". And I also know he wouldn't take the time to read it, cause he doesn't like to read. So I am cloistering myself with my books and my board (all you guys!) and one friend who I have shared this with and she is very supportive. I just wondered what it would be to have your spouse included. He has taken such care of me thru all of this, I don't want to say he's not supported my "back problems". Like most tho, I think the back is easier for him to accept than the brain!
I am thinking about you today and most anxious to hear how it all went. Peace ~
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2007 : 08:38:09
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Oh man, if you have no down time that's gotta be making this experience tough. Is there a way you can get even a few minutes some or most days to just be you alone with yourself, maybe have a chance to think or feel about a few things? Even if you have to reduce your participation on the board for a while, I think a feeling of being yourself for yourself might help a lot. I know it sounds a bit funny coming from a stranger, but I believe you're okay just being you. We all are unique and have our own way of being that we need to honor. I'm not way down the road to doing that, just at the very beginning, but it helps me.
I forget if you said you have journaled a lot, but it sounded like you had and kind of had journaling fatigue. Maybe if you have and you feel you have written everything down, just revisit a few sentences/pages of writing and try to acknowledge and maybe even feel the same feelings still being there, if they are there. Just to take some time and really acknowledge your pressures, which are very intense. I remember when I first wrote my whole list of all the things that could be bothering me and all the things that were bothering me when I first got "injured", and getting to the end of the list (if there is an end :-) and going "Geez, no wonder I'm feeling pressure! Look at this list! It's okay for me to feel pressured seeing as how I have a list this long." And my list is probably shorter than yours as I am a single woman in my twenties, no mortgage or kids or anything like that. So don't feel bad for feeling under pressure.
We're all rooting for you.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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MRI tommorow......sigh
