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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 04/09/2007 : 23:01:53
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I was wondering if anyone has dealt with depression or hopelessness as a TMS equivalent..I am trying to figure out why I feel so sad and hopeless right now..It has gotten progressively worse recently..I had a nice time at a friend's families yesterday celebrating Easter, but after I left I fell into a deep depression..She still has her parents and lives with them and her brother..They are from Scotland and a very close family..Wonderful people so it's hard for me to understand why she battles with depression herself, surrounded by such a loving family..
My family is 3000 miles away from me again and I miss them, my b/f and my friends there very much..I will be going back in June for a couple of months to sing, but I had hoped to be moving back instead of going for another long stay..I am feeling so trapped here yet I love living with my roomie/bro and doggies..They all mean the world to me too..My b/f is going through some of the worst times of his life and he is totally not himself either..He is lashing out, etc..very frustrated over physical and financial issues..It seems so many of the people I love are in a living hell right now..Thank God my surrogate bro that I live with is in good spirits..
I had some red wine yesterday and I rarely drink, so i am thinking perhaps that is part of what is going on now..I am usually upbeat except when in alot of pain..The pain is pretty bad right now especially in my neck and knee..It's that persistent tightness too in my upper right neck..It feels like that is never going to go away and that is scary! I have to keep telling myself IT'S TMS!!!
Maybe my brain is using this despression as yet another distraction..More then half of the people I know these days are on Lexapro! I am toughing it out, on nothing..I am considering GABA or SamE because they are both natural..I have journalled and nothing that deep or eye opening has come up..
All of the unanswered questions I have going on in my mind are making me just want to give up, and that isn't like me..I know I am, at times, taking on the pain of a few close loved ones, so clearly that is part of what I am dealing with..But I find myself being very morbid and preoccupied with death lately..As I am writing this I am afraid I won't get many responses because this topic is one that people seem to prefer avoiding..especially the topic of death..
I really do feel like I need some encouragement right now, so I am reaching out and hope that I am not kvetching too much...I hate when I feel hopeless like this...I have no energy to paint either..Sometimes I wonder if I ever really did the necessary TMS work fully..I used to watch Dr. Sarno's videotapes over and over when I was layed up..I cannot explain what I mean here but when I read some of the other posts I feel like others are going deeper then I am..and that somehow, I am falling short..That just adds to my feelings of depression and hopelessness..I am sure my bday coming up in June isn't helping either..I wanted my life to be alot different then it is by the time I was this age..I am so self critical recently and I know better..I am working on a vision board and hope that helps lift my spirit some..
Any words of support or wisdom would be very much appreciated,
Take care,
Karen |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 04/09/2007 23:31:13 |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2007 : 23:40:41
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So sorry you are feeling awful.
I'm sorry if this is cliched, but the basic formula for depression seems to be anger turned inwards. This is what most therapist believe, and as a therapist myself (25 years) I have to agree.
This goes right along with the work we are doing here: deal with the rage. My experience is that if you just think about your situation the whole thing just goes round and round. The same situation can look many different ways according to your brain chemistry, and your brain chemistry has everything to do with how you are handling your reservoir of rage.
I'm still working on staying current with mine, so it doesn't produce symptoms. And it still does at times, as you know from my other posts. But it is INCREDIBLY effective to have a physical/emotional release. If you don't have a safe container to do this in, just scream in your car. Beat up a pillow. Keep the energy moving rather than thinking about the whole thing so much.
I am 55, and 3 years ago I got divorced in the most horrendous circumstances that caused me to lose pretty much everything and everyone I held dear. I'm still not in relationship. If you were to take inventory on my life from the outside, it is nothing special and quite simple. But inside I feel as though I am a new person, and that the possibilities are unlimited and that I am inevitably expanding.
I'm saying this because the same situation can produce different mental stories. It's not your situation that has you blue, but your reservoir of rage, also known as ROR. And that is probably what you should do! Roar!
you are not alone
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2007 : 23:46:52
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Thank you WavySoul, you are very kind and compassionate..:)
You are right about the definition of depression, anger turned inward..I wasn't even thinking of it that way because it is so deep, I am sort of drowning in it right now and just want to get under the covers..
That is wonderful that you feel like a new person, ever expanding! That is how I want to feel and sometimes I do..I suppose I am very angry at my parents for dying prematurely on me..I know I am very angry at my sister for her jealousy of how close I am with my neice..I know I am also angry at my b/f for taking his frustrations out on me sometimes and for dumping on me alot..He hasn't been there for me recently, he goes on these long monologues about all his problems and there is no emotional space left over for me..I suppose I am very angry about that too..Not to mention childhood issues, etc. etc..It is overwhelming when I think about it and feels like a bottomless pit..How much screaming would I have to do, I wonder, to really release all of that..It feels never ending..Perhaps that is because I am feeling so bad right now..I was also doing great on my eating and had a relapse on Thursday night..back into the sugar..And that never helps my mood..
Sooo appreciate your input very much..
Hugs and blessings to you,
Karen |
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wrldtrv
666 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 00:03:35
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Karen,
As someone who is also currently in that state (depressed), I can relate. The main thing I try to keep in mind each time is the fact that no mental state is forever. As tough as that is to believe when in the midst of the hell, it is thankfully true. So many times; a day or two later, I have looked back at the depression and almost couldn't relate to it, it seemed so foreign to my present state. When depressed, we are not thinking clearly, we are clearly not in our right minds, we don't have sufficient perspective to see that there is life outside the bubble of our misery. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 00:05:37
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Very true, Wrldtrv..As my mom used to say "This too shall pass.." I just feel as if the only way it will really pass is if certain things resolve or change..Thanx for writing..:)
I hope we both feel better very soon.. |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 03:59:42
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How much screaming...?
Not that much. But you have to actually do it. A couple of spoonfuls of growling and a few cups of pillow beating and several very deep breaths (that are actually the whole point of doing it) and you get quite a big bang for your buck.
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Lizzie
United Kingdom
56 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 06:40:18
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Dear Wavy
I am fascinated with your reply. I have never hit a pillow, thrown anything in temper as I can recall and although I may slam a door or shout, I don't think I ever let really rip. I do not even know if I could or would find it helpful. Has this helped you recently in your recovery?
I have just spent the Easter vacation entertaining guests some of whom I find rather demanding, in some ways controlling and rather unappreciative. It was hard work and I noticed my neck ache get worse (though interestingly my back ache did not particularly bother me.. chasing the symptoms again. I think I have some issues to explore here as the time before I saw them I felt worse. Still I will have to keep seeing them so how do I not let them create symptoms?
Lizzie |
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JohnD
USA
371 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 06:58:32
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| Kava also works real well if you get a potent brand |
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LitaM
Canada
54 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 07:14:44
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Singer Artist,
First off, I am sorry for your pain. I understand, I suffered with depression after the birth of my two children. I really think that you are comparing yourself to others, it is a sure fire way to make one depressed. I know from my own personal experience. Plus you can't fix other people, it is really up to themselves. All you can offer is encouragement.
Your unconcious is angry, it isn't happy. You could try journaling several times a day, just write and write. Start with your childhood and name the things that angered you then, what your parents did to make you angry, what pressures you put on yourself. Then as the days go by work on what makes you angry today. What bothers, disappoints, frustrates,irritates, ticks off, enrages you? Our personality and the pressure that we put on ourselves is the most enraging to the unconcious, especially the negative comments that you say to yourself.
If possible consider psychotherapy, just as Dr. Sarno suggests.
Change in your life is what is needed, or you will continue to get what you are getting. You must be strong and do something, anything, just start trying to move forward. Take those dogs for a walk, most dogs live for it! I hope that you find help. Don't ever give up.
Best Wishes,
Lita |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 07:46:33
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WavySoul,
I will try that but must admit that I am a bit scared to go too crazy because of my neck..I am always babying my neck because when it gets real bad I am totally debiliated with the pain and neuro symptoms..I went through a phase in my life where I was a seminar/retreat junkie and it was great for my growth as a person and felt quite healthy..I have done exercises wherein we beat things w/ a bat talking to our parents with our inner child, etc..It did feel good and was healing..But here i am still dealing with TMS after all the studying, journalling and wonderful help I get here..I could be wrong, but it seems like alot of my symptoms these days are about the present and fear of the future..Thanx again for your kindness and help!
Hugs,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 07:50:46
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John,
Thanx..:) I tried Kava and did some research on it..I found some articles that said it could have some side effects if taken long term or high doses so I got off of it..I am considering Sam E or theanine or GABA..
Lita,
I appreciate your reply..:)
I won't give up, never have been a quitter, but I do feel at the end of my rope right now..I can't take my dogs for walkies because of my neck..they pull too much..So my roomie walks them and I join them..I could go to the gym again today and I probably will..WOrking out, exercise always helps..I have to get back on my healthy eating plan too, I know that plays a role..I am still concerned about all the Catch 22's in my life and how lonely I feel, family wise..Financial pressures are weighing heavy too..I have some hope w/ the door opening in my career soon and the exposure i am going to get..but for now..I am still feeling pretty dark..(not like myself)
Hugs,
Karen |
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Paul
134 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 09:00:13
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I mentioned this to John before...
I think the true way to heal is FULL surrender and acceptance. This may be the way to freedom from our pains and anxiety/depression. WHY?
Here is why...
--If you accept and surrender to reality, this moment and just the way it is without living with your "story" in your mind of how you THINK things should be, you will suffer less. When you resist the NOW, you create turmoil, stress, anger, sadness, loneliness, boredom, etc. This same thing happens when you compare your life to others. When you surrender and accept, all these bi-products (anxiety, anger, etc.) fall aside. Sort of like you become like oil and they are water...they just slip off. No anxiety, no worry, no anger, etc. leads to less pain, more happiness. The more real happiness and clear minded you are, the more the body is relaxed.
--What would happen if you just surrender to what is in your life and accept it WITHOUT judgement? By this I don't mean giving up...just living for what is...without the "stories" in our minds. Imagine the type of attached heaviness that may be lifted from you in the way of heavy thoughts, demands, etc.
I know this is much, much easier said than done. It takes a mental shift in thinking.
Yes, I still suffer with bad chronic pelvic pain, and my life is a mess after a really hard divorce, living in 3 different places now within the span of one year, nearly losing a brother and still watching him go down the drain, having no friends around now and living alone, etc. It is LOT of weight.
But what is on the OUTSIDE (reality) is not the real threat, the real threat comes from the INSIDE (what I do with my view and thoughts).
I can only accept things and surrender, if I don't I'm not going to get better. So I continue to live for the moment, observe my emotions and even journal, but most of all...try to step back and simply be.
The real trick is doing this without repressing feelings...there is a fine line of acceptance and repression I think. |
Edited by - Paul on 04/10/2007 09:03:48 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 09:11:04
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Hey Paul,
Thank you so much for these wise words..You are 100 percent right and I am doing my best to stay in the Now..I have fallen short alot lately and I am not sure why..I have read all the books, The Power of Now, Be Here Now by Ram Das, etc..They do help alot..However, when it comes to my reality, I am just not that happy..My feelings of happiness comes in spurts like when I am working on a painting and it is going well..or..When I see the joy on my dog's faces just b4 going on walkies or for a ride in the car..I will feel momentarily happier or joyous even, but ultimately my concern is that until I am somehow able to make the necessary life changes, I always end up right here again..
I know this isn't the right way to look at things, even the Secret movie touches on this quite a bit..One must focus on good things for more good things to happen..So I am practicing that by doing a daily gratitude list (haven't done it in a week though) and working on my vision/dream board..I am sure I will feel a burst of joy when the magazine I am in comes out..but that isn't til June..Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for that, I feel blessed..But I have wanted to move back to NY/NJ for 3 years now and something keeps stopping me, or someone..I realize I am allowing that, of course..I am not a victim..As my dear friend from India Sasi always says..
"there are no victims, only volunteers.."
The lingering daily pain in either my neck, back or knee or all three is weighing heavy on my mood as well..I am tired of it all..All I can do in that regard is the treatment plan that Dr. Sarno gave us and getting/giving support on here..
Thank you again for your wise words,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 09:36:00
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I wanted to say thanks to the lovely people who also wrote me via my regular email..Your support is so appreciated..
I am listening to my self talk and trying to catch myself being self critical..I find myself worrying about what a couple of people on here might think of my post..Wondering if they are saying to themselves, 'she is just seeking attention or being a diva, narcissist' etc..I must admit that the particular thread in the past wherein I was called a few unkind names was quite damaging to me...I find that it still comes up in the Now, during times like this when I am reaching out for help..I have to truly let it go and do some anger release work on that even..I am sure it is adding to the increase in TMS symptoms including the depression..I sometimes have stronger delayed reactions to things like this..
There are plenty of awesome people on the forum who I know don't think these ways about me and I am sooo grateful to you all for your kind words of support and encouragement...I admit I am much more sensitive these days then in recent years..I am very thin skinned and I don't like it much at all...And I have many character defects that I must work on...I am praying that this depression and increase in pain too shall pass and I get back in touch with my power...I don't like feeling this vulnerable...
God bless and hugs,
Karen |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 04/10/2007 10:18:41 |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 11:01:15
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Hey Karen,
My mom and I recently had a conversation that might be relevant to how you feel. I currently feel like a lot of things are not "working" for me and I am struggling to find the people I want to be with and the things I want to do. I think you are in a similar situation. I was just feeling frustrated and angry and sad a lot because things were not going well. My mom said that we all have periods in our lives when things are not working because we are in flux, in transition. She said that we can approach these periods as "seeking" periods when we deliberately try to "live the questions" and when we feel bored/down/uncertain/torn, to just remember we are living right now to ask the question "What will come of this? What will I ultimately choose?" We are not living the answer, and we are not living the dullness of "I don't know what to do so I will keep doing what I'm doing." I call it living a question mark instead of a comma. Commas are fine but they get boring after a while. Question marks keep things fresh, and they keep you open to new possibilities. They also take the pressure off to get things sorted out right now and know the answers. You are not living the answers and you have no obligation to live them. The answers will come from your inner wisdom when you need them.
I suspect your inner self is also angry because you are spending a lot of energy being upset about how other people feel. Remember that our inner selves care about US primarily, and that this isn't bad and it doesn't make you selfish. It just is. Give that part of you some space to express its frustration with these other people.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 11:53:19
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Thanx ACL,
You always make so much sense and help me alot..I am so grateful! You are blessed to have your mom...I miss my mom soooo much..she was my best friend and I have been without her for 17 long years..Sometimes I feel as if a big part of me went to the grave with her..I know she wouldn't want me to feel that way, but I just feel so alone deep inside ever since losing her and my dad prematurely..I have also lost several very close friends in recent years and that just adds to the deep grief..My faith in God helps me tremendously..but lately, I am just overloaded..It does help to think about living in the question! Thank you for pointing that out..
Hugs and God bless,
Karen |
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vnwees
64 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 11:55:56
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| In recent years I have been surprised at how much aging has stirred up anger within me. Not something I ever expected when I was younger. Sarno touches on it and I find myself identifying more and more (I'm 53). It seems to be a combination of life not turning out the way I expected, fearing a ravaging illness in old age, fear of a lack of loved ones and physical/emotional care when I become feeble and helpless, anger that I'm losing (have lost, aaargh!!!) my youthful looks, slenderness, energy, having memory problems, and on and on. I don't consciously obsess on these things, but find myself worrying about them from time to time and think that deep inside I'm very frightened and angry. Of course part of the answer is developing some level of acceptance, faith and trust that I will be OK and also allowing people into my life on a deeper level for support. But how exactly do I do that? It's difficult. Acknowledging and releasing anger, ( I DO scream in my car) talking about these scary things, seeking support. It all seems so complicated. I can mindf___ myself to death. I am, however, "doing it". I'm not giving up. I'm reaching out for support, I'm reading Painfree For Life (interesting and helpful)and continue to Sarnosize as I have been for several years with good results. I do believe that anxiety and depression are TMS equivilents and I proceed accordingly and it does help. But I need "people help" too. I've been having a hard time lately. April 19th would have been my son's 36th birthday. He committed suicide 5 years ago and I've had a lot of anger/sadness/guilt coming up recently (again). Sometimes life just sucks, but I'm gonna get back on that horse. Let's all get back on that horse. Thanks for being there. Vicki |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 12:15:30
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Hi Vicki,
Thank you for writing...Sounds like you have been through alot as well..I am sooo very sorry to hear about the loss of your son...I can understand how that would be nearly impossible to get over..I do hear hope in your words and I pray/hope you will heal all the way..:)I am still healing from all the losses I have dealt with..it just takes time..I think once i have my own family, it will help..
Yes we do need people, that is for sure..I have noticed that when we have a BBQ and invite some people over I am in better spirits..I just don't have that community or group feeling here in Vegas..I am way more isolated then I want to be...I am fearing getting older and being alone too..It is terrifying..I am doing my best to get back on that horse right alone with you!
Hugs to you and God bless,
Karen |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 12:33:05
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Vicki,
Might sound strange since I'm a guy, but I empathize with your aging issues...I'm 56 now, and while I look better than most guys my age..a combination of good genes and a good workout ethic...I hate that the girls don't notice me anymore...It seems like just a few years ago that I'd walk into a store say, and get a nice, big smile from the young lady behind the cash register...Now the young ones hand me my money back as if it were something I've just sneezed into..
It's hard giving up youth. It just is. It's a huge loss, and like any loss, the subconscious mind at the very least isn't going to take kindly to it..And we all know what that means: rage. But for some of us, this sense of loss is front and center, an issue for conscious feelings of sadness and pain...
You're right about the need for a sense of connectedness and perhaps some sense of a higher purpose...No magic answers which of course you know...We just have to find our way, recognizing while we do that life is difficult and involves increasingly painful losses...I'm very sorry to hear about your son. That's an awful thing to have to live with
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Edited by - art on 04/10/2007 12:38:50 |
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vnwees
64 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 12:51:54
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Karen;
Thank you for your kind words. Are there any womens support groups in Vegas you could check out? The gals in a weekly group I attend offer a lot of support and it's been so helpful to me. Just a thought as we ride off into the sunset...
Art;
Doesn't sound strange at all. My husband is going thru the same stuff we are...maybe many of us do. He used to be pro ski patrol and one day he just couldn't pull that rescue sled up a steep slope and it damn near killed him to feel that loss. I used to get an occasional nod from a cute guy, but then they all become my son's age and they didn't appeal to me anymore, so that helped me transition out of that loss. The guys who did act interested were OLD! Crap! Thanks for the picture of the "something just sneezed into". That cracked me up. We need a TMS joke line.
Part of the loss I'm fearing/feeling is that my granddaughter is in her last year of high school and I'll lose her as I lost her dad 5 years ago. She'll be off as an adult living her life (and making the same mistakes her dad made?). My mom died 2 years ago, my dad 4 years ago, so now I'm the oldest living generation in my family (WEIRD!!) It's all so strange and MUCH harder than I ever expected. Well, at least I'm not something that just got sneezed into. Vicki |
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vnwees
64 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2007 : 13:09:51
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Here's a tiny little thought:
Because Art wrote that simple, silly thing about sneezing, my funny bone was ever so slightly activated. As I was writing, the noon siren went off and my 6 month old puppy (90 lb english mastiff) came over to me and started to howl this goofy, lip quivering, drooly howl. I was going to ignore him as I was busy organizing my thoughts. But because Art got me chuckling, I looked over at Archie, howled along with him, and ending up laughing my fool head off. So you never know what a simple little thing may do for someone.
Thanks, Art. I needed that. Vicki |
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Depression, help needed..
