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chrisb89
42 Posts |
 Posted - 03/26/2007 : 19:03:00
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I don't know if I'm looking for advice/confirmation or just trying to journal but here it is. The following I've never shared with anyone and wouldn't be doing it now if it wasn't an anonymous forum since it has caused me much pain.
Trying to look back at things that happened at or around when the back pain started I can only think of one thing, and it is something that should be a good thing in my life - shortly before the back pain started I lost my virginity at the age of 25.
Backtrack. I was always incredibly nervous around girls and despite being relatively well liked, athletic, good at sports, and in my view pretty good looking my extreme nervousness around girls I was attracted to means I didn't even have my first girlfriend (or even a kiss) until I was 20 years old.
I really cared for this girl, so excited to have a girlfriend except I never enjoyed the alone time. I was always fearful kissing, making out etc. more concerned that I would mess up, be bad at it, she wouldn't like me, she would tell others I was bad then I was at enjoying it. Valentine's day rolled around 2 months after we started dating and I knew that would be the day we would have sex. Instead of the usual response of "God I can't wait to have sex" I thought "man I hope I don't mess up", "man I hope she can't tell I'm a virgin" "what if I suck and she tells everyone" and of course being so nervous I tried and tried and couldn't get an erection. This persisted for a few other days and a few other attempts, she thought it was because I wasn't attracted to her, and I tried to convince her otherwise to no avail and I couldn't bring myself to tell her I was a virgin or that I was scared. Eventually she broke up with me and I was heartbroken and angry at her for a month, convincing myself that she was a bitch and that the demands she made on me were unreasonable.
From that point on, I had a number of failed relationships. I could never perform during sex and it made me feel worse and worse. I would sometimes blame the girl (even though realisitically it was 100% my fault) and sex became a negative concept for me. I ended up sabotaging relationships before they even started so I wouldn't have to end up in bed where I knew I couldn't perform. Around friends I never admitted it, and like everyone else bragged about my sexual conquests (although mine were all lies). If anyone would have found out that I was a virgin it would've killed me, and I felt that I would be made fun of mercilessly. Even in movies when sex was involved or when sexual jokes were made it always made me feel ill because I couldn't do something which seemed so easy and fun for everyone else.
Shortly before the back pain started I was in a new relationship. After many failed attemtps and my girlfriend again thinking it was her fault and not understanding why I wasn't attracted to her I finally did it. I always avoided attempting it while I was drunk (and even faked passing out numerous times) because I heard it is harder to keep an erection when drunk. But for me it was the opposite because I was young and in good shape and without the nervousness it all came together and we had sex for probably a couple hours. After I realized I could do it, I was fine and then had no problem doing it even without the alcohol.
I was thrilled (in a way) but also felt I wanted to get out of this relationship and make up for lost time. I felt now that I had gotten over this "condition" I wanted to sow my wild oats so to speak. I resolved to break up with my girlfriend but it took me about a month because I was so afraid of hurting her feelings. (The "goodist" in me hates making others feel bad or getting in conflicts. In all my relationship and friendships I never once got in an argument or fight with anyone.)
The back pain started sometime between when I lost my virginity and when I broke up with my girlfriend. Since the breakup I've dated a couple of girls and despite a recurrence at my first attempt, I've been able to have sex without my previous difficulties.
Now I know that is a long story so if you read it all I appreciate it. My question is if this is what started my TMS then why now, after I "conquered" my problem? And if it is what is causing my TMS, then how do I accept it and move on with my life?
PS: Since accepting that I have TMS and there is nothing wrong with my back (even my orthopedic surgeon agreed there was nothing physically wrong with me) I've gotten better and no longer fear physical activity (I can do all my sports again). I also have no pain lying down and much less pain sitting. Unfortunately standing in one place can still be very painful and I feel this is part of conditioning since I have almost no pain running or walking (today I ran 5 miles).
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sensei adam rostocki
USA
167 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2007 : 19:43:52
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Hi Chris, I suspect that you are on to something here, but I feel it is bigger than you think. I believe the sexual dysfunction you experienced is not the cause but another SYMPTOM of some deeper repressed issues. I am thrilled for you that you were able to conquer the physical dysfunction, but I am afraid that the back pain might have replaced it as what is known as a "substitute symptom." This is part of the psychological symptom escalation that has been spoken of many times before. I think you need to dig a lot deeper to get to the root causes of the psychosomatic symptoms. Best of luck. Sensei
CURE-BACK-PAIN(dot)ORG |
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yowire
USA
70 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2007 : 19:47:17
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quote:
My question is if this is what started my TMS then why now, after I "conquered" my problem? And if it is what is causing my TMS, then how do I accept it and move on with my life?]
Hi Chrisb89,
This looks like a classic example of the Symptom Imperative. The sexual dysfunction that you had was a TMS equivalent. Look at how you describe it. It was an emotional distraction that was of prime focus in your life. When you overcame it by having sexual success, it just moved to your back.
So this event did not cause your TMS. You must go further back. You may not be able to find the exact cause, but you must understand that your original problem was linked to repressed emotions as is your current TMS.
Yowire |
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chrisb89
42 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2007 : 19:51:53
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Hmmm I wish I had never conquered it then.
The back pain is 100% worse than the sexual dysfunction. At least I could function 90% of the time. Now the pain has taken over my life... though it has gotten better since I learned about TMS. God I hate this thing!!
Thanks for all the replies... |
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chrisb89
42 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2007 : 19:59:27
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I should add that I used to suffer acute back pain frequently whenever I had a girl sleeping next to me in bed. I used to think that it was because I was uncomfortable sleeping on the side of the bed (by myself I would sleep in the middle) but looking back I am pretty certain it was TMS.
This back pain would usually go away once I woke up and got out of bed. Unlike this last chronic attack which has lasted 4-5 months. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2007 : 23:43:11
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chrisb, the others could be right, but another possibility might be that you felt bad about breaking up with your girlfriend in retrospect. You didn't mention any regret, though, so I could be totally off-target here.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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I think I know what might be causing my TMS
