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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
 Posted - 03/16/2007 : 20:51:56
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On Monday, to celebrate the time change, I rode my bike all the way home from work. It's become notable to me lately that my bike is too small for me, and I guess I was holding myself funny, because during and after the ride I felt that my right lower back was sore. It subsided a lot, then went up and down in intensity, mostly staying low, until today, when I felt it intensely at work this morning. I was pretty annoyed by it and was starting to wonder what the deal was. I had figured it was a minor muscle thing that would go away soon, but I was beginning to get worried.
Later in the day I noticed that my left arm was sore by the elbow, in one of the spots where I used to get pain. That was when I wised up and started laughing at my brain because I knew it was TMS. Guess what? Now my LEFT lower back is hurting -- the opposite of the original side. Just the gremlin trying to trick me out.
I know I've been feeling pretty crappy emotionally this week. I melted down twice at work on Monday (fortunately in the bathroom/outside and not in front of my coworkers), I had to give one of my work projects back to my boss because it stumped me and I feel bad about burdening her. I cried at the end of a children's book I reread because it touched some of my childhood stuff. I haven't been sleeping enough, I feel a friend is ignoring me in favor of her new boyfriend, and I don't feel like I've done much that's worthwhile lately. Yet I still didn't identify the pain as TMS right away (and it still hasn't gone away so I have some more serious journaling to do later). That tricky gremlin...
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 07:45:44
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
I know I've been feeling pretty crappy emotionally this week. I melted down twice at work on Monday (fortunately in the bathroom/outside and not in front of my coworkers), I had to give one of my work projects back to my boss because it stumped me and I feel bad about burdening her. I cried at the end of a children's book I reread because it touched some of my childhood stuff. I haven't been sleeping enough, I feel a friend is ignoring me in favor of her new boyfriend, and I don't feel like I've done much that's worthwhile lately.
All good starting points for further introspection. Try to overcome the fear of asking and answering the 'hard' questions about why you really feel sad/emotional about something. I've found, its not so much that the answer to the question is hard but that we're avoiding recognizing the answers or feeling the real feelings.
Of course, you know all this already, but it helps to see it again and again I think.
Hope you'll feel some relief of the sadness and emotions as well once you do some journalling. *sending pat on back across internet*
ndb |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 09:13:55
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I'm always surprised by how likely I still am to either experience mild TMS symptoms, or feel general emotional malaise/depression, rather than get right into the specific stuff. It's really an ongoing process to change my habits. Thanks for the support. I did do some journaling and afterwards got kind of inside some of the emotions. I'm starting to think it may be time for me to see a therapist since some of the core issues may need help resolving. I've gotten a long way on my own but there's only so much I can do for myself.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 11:43:26
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
I'm always surprised by how likely I still am to either experience mild TMS symptoms, or feel general emotional malaise/depression, rather than get right into the specific stuff.
There have been times when I know that my depression or sadness is because of underlying issues, and so I tell myself "Ok, I won't get TMS symptoms because I know what it is. I'm too busy right now to sit and introspect, but I'll do it later." When I do finally get around to it, I realize very strongly that even that feeling of putting it off for a legitimate reason is actually an avoidance strategy.
ndb |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 11:45:58
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
I'm always surprised by how likely I still am to either experience mild TMS symptoms, or feel general emotional malaise/depression, rather than get right into the specific stuff.
There have been times when I know that my depression or sadness (or other TMS symptom) is because of underlying issues, and so I tell myself "Ok, I won't get TMS symptoms because I know what it is. I'm too busy right now to sit and introspect, but I'll do it later." When I do finally get around to it, I realize very strongly that even that feeling of putting it off for a legitimate reason is actually a strategy my mind adopts because I am fearful and anxious of experiencing the emotions and thinking about them. So watch out also for what consciously seem like legitimate reasons to put off introspection. I'm not saying that one will get TMS symptoms if you don't but I think progress will be speedier if one is on the lookout for these tricks our mind plays.
ndb
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Edited by - ndb on 03/17/2007 11:46:56 |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 19:58:56
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Oh, I agree completely. I definitely put off thinking about things for made-up reasons. In fact last night before I did my introspection I had the sudden incredibly desperate urge to run around my apartment cleaning things up. I am a tidy person and like to get things cleaned but this urge was way beyond the usual. I knew it was for avoidance but I let myself do it and just said, after I do this I WILL sit down and do the journaling.
But sometimes I still am just not that aware that I even have an issue, or I know it is there but figure it will not bother me that much just yet since I have only just discovered it. I think in actuality I don't discover it until it has already been bothering me a while! It just takes longer practice and constant vigilance to stay aware...
I'm just glad I know not to panic now. I went on a 10 mile hike today and all is well.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/20/2007 : 11:06:42
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One thing I did realize, though, is that it's possible to misidentify a global sadness and frustration with a "generalized malaise" kind of feeling. In other words, it's possible to actually have a very similar feeling to the "non-feeling" you can get if you generalize or ignore a feeling you can't face up to. At least, I think it is, because right now I feel kind of generally sad and frustrated, and I think it's about the fact that my life doesn't seem to be quite working or pulling together, rather than me ignoring more specific feelings (which I'm trying not to do).
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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That sneaky gremlin!
