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hazerfazer
USA
19 Posts |
 Posted - 10/02/2006 : 18:36:57
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Well, I have had a lot of emotional problems which started really showing this past year, and I am really thinking that my subconscious is going to whatever lengths it can to keep these emotions from being released. I have always wanted people to be satisfied with who I am so I have somewhat changed my personality among different people, but always wanted to let my true self out.
One problem that's been really bugging me for months relating to this, is this (I'm not sure if any of you will understand even remotely): At one point I was totally consumed with thinking about transexuality, now it's like I am focused on the way things look around me. I'm trying to analyze my subconscious here, but what I think it is is that my brain has associated the certain sights of my home (where I feel better and less lonely than at school, etc.) which includes fairly dim lighting, nothing extreme as far as color goes, etc. with feeling good. Like I go to school and I can't stop thinking about the bright lighting and how bad it makes me feel. I know this probably sounds extremely strange, but it really seems like a manifestation of TMS. I'm unwilling to be with all my feelings and therefore it makes my surroundings out to be bad rather than myself. (And to relate this directly to the BODY...I was thinking that I was going to need contacts when this all started, and at first thought maybe it was my eyes) My happiness levels change extremely from when I'm at home to school, and it almost feels like different worlds at times. I have thought a lot about this and have more theories, but hopefully you guys can take something from what I wrote and maybe give me some advice. I'm starting to work through MBP, so hopefully I make progress. Thanks.
Can't wait to be healed! |
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hazerfazer
USA
19 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2006 : 18:39:06
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P.S. Some more info on what I think it is: I would go to school every day and be depressed, and I think I started relating the unremitting depression subconsciously to the unremitting change in surroundings. I tried to attach it something so it was not something I was "responsible for".
Can't wait to be healed! |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2006 : 20:07:59
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Hazer,
You need to rise about those thoughts and just observe them when they happen, and don't get wound up in them. This should ease things for you. I strongly recommend up buy a book called "The Journey" by Brandon Bays. This woman heals herself by going into her body and releasing old memories. It's a little different to what you're going through, but I think you'll benefit from the process she teaches. Find out what it is that is causing all of this and put it to rest. Don't think about it..........just do it!
Darko
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JaneLeslie
USA
88 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2006 : 10:13:15
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Hazer,
I completely understand what it is like to get caught up in weird, and sometimes disturbing thoughts and ideas. I try to let them pass and move-on. I don't think any meds. would really help anyway.
You and your TMS mind are trying to purge something here, right? Let it do that and do not over-value the actual thoughts. Let them be weird. There is a lot of "junk" that is coming out I think.
Know that you are not alone. We will overcome!
Jane |
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JaneLeslie
USA
88 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2006 : 10:21:22
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Hazer,
Has anyone used the term symptom-imperative with you? Your thoughts/anxieties are maybe the newest manifestations of TMS. They want to pull you away from understanding and accepting TMS. They want to keep the syndrome going by getting you going.
That is what mine do anyway. I feel better when I say back to my anxiety---you are just TMS, leave me alone!
Jane |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2006 : 18:49:15
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hazer, sounds like you have gone from distracting pain to distracting thoughts. Very much within the TMS mode. The most common is anxiety, but I suspect anything would work. I suffered a lot from anxiety until, like JL says, I could just say back to it "You are TMS. I don't have to pay attention to you. I can think about my real problems that you are trying to distract me from."
Funny enough, "worrying" about a problem, for me, can be a TMS-type distraction from whatever genuine concern I feel about it. Anxiety is not exactly fear -- it can even cover fear. Or it can cover sadness or anger. This kind of sounds like what you are going through with your attention to your surroundings. You are really attentive to them, and you are not resolving your genuine concerns about your depression. Maybe you are afraid you will never find a solution. Maybe you really hate school but don't want to face that totally. I don't know -- I'm not there. But it seems likely that you should examine what your thoughts are trying to distract you from.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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JaneLeslie
USA
88 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2006 : 08:55:32
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Hi Hazer,
I think ACL is right on. Sometimes the thoughts themselves ( be they odd or not so odd) can serve to distract us from thinking about what we are supposed to be thinking about, or more importantly feeling.
The TMS thinks it is helping us, but of course it is not. If you can start to focus on "intolerable" feelings you will be on the right track.
You could start with: "What is so depressing about school that colors are changing?" Then go with the feelings and let yourself sit with them. Maybe you miss home because you are worried about a parent and you can't be home with that parent to help them? Are your parents around? Did you try to protect a sibling. Why do you feel you need to be home to be safe? I am throwing just anything out there to provoke new thoughts/feelings to release you. Of course I don't know your situation at all. Open your mind to all possibilities!
My TMS doc shared iwth me yesterday that the repressed feelings are almost always about a parent or parents. Try to go with this for a while. It may take some time (I am told.)
Good LUck. Let us know how you are.
JANE |
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Kristin
98 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2006 : 11:45:29
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| Sadly, I think we all realize that the repressed feelings are primarily parent driven. For some of us who feel we had a pretty good childhood, realizing that the source of our pain could come from the people who we feel/felt have/had our best interest at heart is really hard. It seems so simple though. In my case I've had to peel away the layers of other stressors and pressures, such as marriage, children, work to be able to feel like I can look at what is really behind my TMS. There was a casting off of what it is "not" to what it "is". Everybody's process is different of course. |
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Has my subconscious taken it beyond pain?
