| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
turtle23
USA
13 Posts |
 Posted - 09/22/2006 : 15:05:51
|
I posted this under the last topic, but then decided it needed to be a separate one.
I am new to Sarno's work. My question for you all is how did you gain support from friends and family for this diagnosis? I have been having trouble convincing my spouse that this is valid, and that I want to try to heal by focusing on my feelings and stopping the cycle of physical pain. If I cannot convince him, I don't have any confidence that I can convince anyone else. |
|
|
Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2006 : 16:54:25
|
Good question Turtle, but here's some tough ones back at ya: Are you convinced about TMS? Will you only believe in TMS if they do?
Why is it so important to convince your friends and family about TMS? What else are you trying to convince them of in your life--do they believe you are a good person? Do you feel loved and accepted by them? Before the TMS DX, did your husband believe your suffering? Did he believe your pain when it was at its worst? Was he supportive, or did he make you feel bad for being sick? Does he respect you when you have a different opinion than him, or do you and he have to share the same beliefs about everything?
These are difficult--and may be painful--questions to ask. You don't need to reply to me... just yourself. I hope you strong enough to be honest.
I haven't convinced the closest people in my life about TMS, but I think it serves us better to invest that time to continue to convince OURSELVES, instead of them. The time I've wasted by trying to convince other people has led to repression and my TMS symtpoms increased!!!!
My husband believes now, but at first he didn't. He's watched my transformation over the months, which he accredits to "those books that got you well". He doesn't need to understand that it wasn't the books ... it was ME who got me well. Yes, the books broke the TMS pattern, but the work I'm doing is what is ending TMS.
I've shared lots of info about TMS with him, and even pointed out the TMS probs in HIS life, but he says I have it, not him. He and I have differing opinions about a lot of things in life, and I can live with that ... we respect our differences. This was one of only a few friendships I didn't need to end in order to get well. I hope you are equally blessed, Turtle.
When people in our lives witness our recovery, and how different we are b/c our TMS has lifted ... THAT is pudding proof 
Our suffering is not theirs ... nor is our recovery. It's OUR work to do, OUR cross to bare, OUR monkey to shake.
Don't worry about what others think. My remaining friends think I'm nuts. For the first time in my life, I don't care. The fact I used to care SO much about what they thought probably was one of the culprits of my TMS. TMS will only resonate with people who are ready to be helped.
I'm considering stopping telling people about TMS and just let my story speak for myself. I was really ill, and I'm much better, nearly ALL better. If people ever suffer as badly as they saw me, perhaps they will ask me what I did to get well, and I will help them in every way I can ... but we can't save those who don't want to be saved. It's a waste of time. (Sorry, this was a tangent.)
Hang in there and get in your brain and know YOUR own beliefs. Recovery from TMS is an intensely personal experience, perhaps is best understood by others here in our Get Well Club, not our friends and family. Get well for yourself and no one else. Don't worry if your hubby or friends and fam don't believe. The most important thing is YOUR acceptance of TMS and doing the work to get well.
Even if the people in your life don't believe ... You are not alone. You've got us.
>|< Penny
Non illigitamus carborundum. |
 |
|
|
sonora sky
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2006 : 17:18:32
|
Hi turtle,
Luckily, my closest family and friends (just a few people total) were receptive to Sarno and his work. My mother is a total believer and has been able to recognize TMS symptoms in herself. It's funny though, my husband buys the TMS diagnosis in terms of *me*, but doesn't really think it might apply to him, too. (Maybe he's not 'there' yet.) Though he has less of a TMS personality than I do, he has definite TMS symptoms from time to time (usually gastro-intestinal related), always in conjunction with an impending stressful or fearful event/situation. He also has RLS (restless leg syndrome) which he calls "jerky legs" and attributes this to the fact that his mother has it too ("it runs in the family").
Anyway, when I'm first introducing the TMS topic, I usually start with common examples of stress-related physical symptoms that almost everyone can identify with. I think most people will agree that stress can give us headaches, muscle tension, etc. You might describe other symptoms that have a mind-body link (I think Sarno calls these psychogenic), like when you're nervous about giving a speech/presentation and you get butterfiles in your stomach, or diarrhea. If you can get people comfortable with the idea that the mind and emotions can cause reactions in the physical body, you can then start to add things like repressed emotions from childhood, etc.
So my recommendation would be to start out with how stress can affect the body, and then start to ease in other things, little by little. But I'd do this *really slowly* for people who are 'hostile' to the notion of TMS at first. Start sprinkling in comments about it often, so it becomes normal-sounding to them: "Gosh, am I stressed out today, and now I have this raging headache. Figures!" Or, "Gee, I used to think this meditation stuff was hokey, but I've tried it a couple times, and it really helps me to relax." (I know TMS isn't exactly about "relaxation," but I think the more mind-body stuff you work into your life (and your family and friends' lives) the better.)
I think some on this board might dissagree with me on the following statment: you may even want to refrain from using the term "TMS." People like to go with the mainstream, and if this is a term they've never heard and their MD has never mentioned it, it might seem too whacky, new agey, or mumbo-jumbo to believe. So just use terms that they can relate to. Once they seem to be on-board with the mindbody connection, then you can go deeper.
good luck,
ss |
|
|
|
sonora sky
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2006 : 17:34:47
|
Great post, penny. Lots of good points. Since my symptoms/recovery have been up and down (i.e. better and worse), I can't necessarily show people with "proof" (that is, yet!  ) that TMS is real. I'm in the midst of a stressful period of life changes, and I feel like, for me, change is not going to be overnight--it's going to be a process. (Though I would prefer an overnight change. Where can I get that??  ) I'm getting tired of the mental game of TMS, especially since I already *know* the answer: yes, it's TMS. Sarno says knowledge is the key, but maybe true knowledge (this is belief, I think) takes time. At least, in my experience. . .
ss |
|
|
|
ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2006 : 20:00:44
|
Turtle23,
John Stossel of 20/20 couldn't even persuade his brother, a doctor, of the validity of TMS after he himself was cured by Dr. Sarno. And we know what a skeptic John Stossel usually is. You and your spouse can watch the 20/20 segment here:
http://www.goodnewsbroadcast.com/sarno2020.ram
Ralph
|
|
|
|
carbar
USA
227 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2006 : 22:35:40
|
I feel like it's too personal to go into the details of TMS with most people. Only a few close friends and family members know. When I first figured this out I did have a partner who was supportive of the diagnosis, but I felt some skepticism. still, I felt judged for the all in my head nature of it.
However, the benefit of the TMS work is that I feel reinvigorated to make the most of my personal relationships. I felt like my pain was distracting me from a lot of this. Doing the work of journaling and therapy are hard, but I feel like it makes my personal relationships better.
Also, I find a lot more balence in just being able to spend time with people and be there with them, instead of distracted by my pain.
Example: I was exhausted from work today and feeling some random pains, but I still went out to a get together, and it was good company that gave me a new and better perspective on being tired.
Good luck with the work!
|
|
|
|
turtle23
USA
13 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2006 : 10:52:28
|
Thank you all for your responses. You have all made some great points. I will spend some time pondering the questions Peggy brought up. Why do I need others acceptance in order to get myself better?
Truthfully, I am pretty sure TMS is my problem, but I still have fear and doubt. That is where I need to start my work...
|
|
|
|
Gail99
1 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2006 : 12:03:33
|
How do you suggest a spouse help his/her mate work through TMS? I don't disbelieve the idea of TMS, but I hate the fact that now, the only cure is intensive therapy. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that my husband needs that level of emotional support.
Also, I struggle with the consequences of my husband working through his emotions. Obviously, sharing a life, some of his emotions will be about our life, our imperfections. To hear it described as repressed rage is scary - rage is a BIG word, a big emotion to be directing at someone.
Finally, I noticed that a lot of people posted that they see mild TMS in their spouses, and that this idea is met with resistance. I'm one of those spouses! I feel like my hubby is seeing green everywhere - like if I have a slight headache, I will only be able to cure it through journalling or something. I recognize that the headache may be stress related, but all I need is a walk to clear my head, not a therapist.
Sorry, rereading that it sounds awful, but I left it. I think it will be instructive to hear all your reactions to my issues, expressed off the top of my head, rather than filtered. Are there supports out there that anyone can suggest so I can be more helpful to my husband? Thanks. |
|
|
|
sonora sky
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2006 : 14:03:51
|
hi gail,
TMS work doesn't always need to be so intensive. For me, the intensity I bring to it sometimes aggrivates my symptoms. (I'm super intense and goal-oriented about everything in my life, and I'm learning this may not be the best approach to mindbody work--and perhaps not the best approach to a lot of things!) It's interesting that you mentioned taking a walk--to me this IS TMS work on a milder level. It combines some physical excercise with time to 'clear your head,' to either think about what might be troubling you, or not--to just 're-charge' and let your thoughts be in the present moment--enjoying the scenery, the crisp fall air, the warm sun, etc.
I can understand the urge to roll your eyes when your parnter tries to label every phsical twinge as TMS. I do the same thing to my spouse (who is not so amenable to the idea that HE has TMS from time to time). But from the perspective of a person who has fully accepted that the root of much of life's ailments (Sarno says in TDM that every human being is suseptable to TMS) is psychological/emotional, it's hard to resist labeling it when we see it in others, primarily because we want to help them free themselves from pain. Also, when it's someone close to you, you are very much aware of their daily and long-term stresses, and their emotional (life) background, so it's easy for you to see probable connections between mental state and physical symptoms.
best,
ss |
|
|
|
h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2006 : 15:13:44
|
Gail,
Thanks for the questions. These are very interesting.
I find it somewhat interesting that you care about what therapies your spouse has decided to pursue. Don't you just want him to be better?
I think it would help a lot if you read Sarno.
Hope that helps.
Regards,
Beth |
|
|
|
armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2006 : 16:29:28
|
Gail,
Sarno only recommends therapy to a minority of his patients. Many get better just from reading the book and, in many cases, doing some personal investigation into their emotions. "Intensive therapy" may or may not be on the table.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
|
|
|
sonora sky
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2006 : 09:14:27
|
acl,
Havn't sarno's recommendations for therapy changed as the years go on? I seem to recall his saying that a greater percetage of his patients needed it in recent books (TDM) than he had said in earlier ones (MBP, HBP). It seems his attitude towards the usefulness of therapy is changing as he moves forward with TMS theory and encounters more and more patients. I agree that some people would benefit from therapy more than others, but I think everyone could benefit from it in some way/to some degree. (Though it is clearly *not* necessary that all TMSers seek therapy to recover from TMS. This is made clear in Sarno's books and on this forum.)
ss |
|
|
|
armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2006 : 10:37:53
|
ss, maybe so. I don't know if I paid attention to his stats in TDM when I read it (I need to reread it!), but I did notice the increased focus on the psychology. I remember from MBP that he recommended it to about 10%. But I think it's still a minority.
I definitely agree that many people with TMS would benefit from therapy, even if it's not necessary to make their TMS symptoms go away. I have gotten rid of my symptoms but am still considering therapy as a possibility. (So far I'm doing well with personal pursuit of psychological insight though.) Still, I wouldn't say that "intensive therapy" is a necessary or even likely consequence of pursuing the TMS methods, which seems to be what Gail is worried about.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
|
|
|
vrampen78
USA
30 Posts |
Posted - 01/05/2007 : 19:02:54
|
I'm so glad I found this topic (even though it hasn't been posted to since Nov. 06) because I had an 'issue' with this last night. I was talking to my mom about a conversation I had with my boss while he was lifting the cartons of copy paper to a different spot. After rudely interrupting me while I was talking my mom 'warns' me "don't pick up those boxes ok...let them (the partners of the firm) move them"
No. 1 - not even before I had my back "attack" in '06 did I ever move boxes...it's not my thing, but if I need to move something and I can I will...whatever.
No. 2 - how dare she even say that when I have told her over and over there's nothing wrong with and I have explained to her about Sarno & TMS...I even found the book in Spanish for her so she would be able to FULLY understand it.
So I told her "stop it with that 'be careful' stuff I told you nothing is wrong with me and I'm fine...if you're are not going to read the book and TRY to understand what I believe and trying to do then don't make comments!" and what does she answer, "well, I'm just trying to warn you that's how those [herniated discs] happen...you pick up one heavy thing and that's how it happens"
So I'm really upset now...when I first read the book and instantly started to get better I thought my family & friends would be able to understand 'it' as they saw me getting around and getting better. Well, it's completely opposite (well, not completely, but I'm worked up). Now that I experience this resistance I get really upset because it worries me (and this is my own fear that I need to work on I know) about 'what if' my mom or someone in my family or friends have some chronic pain situation and (if after getting checked out by a Dr.) Sarno is what will help them out and they resist they will be in pain. It scares me because I remember the fear I had when I was in pain not to mention it doesn't feel good and I don't want other people to be in this kind of horrible situation [if they can help it]. I know I can't force this down ppl's throats, but this is what I'm like...I always look for the bird with the broken wing so I can give my all to help it.
Anyway I think I went completely off track with this topic...thanx for reading my rant, concerns, and fears.
-Veronica |
|
|
|
Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 01/05/2007 : 23:13:17
|
the thing about us goodists is that we want to save the world
I find the hardest thing is to let people be who they are, where they are, when they are, believing that they have some kind of inner guidance that isn't necessarily me. It really is frustrating when you've had these breakthroughs. I'm going through it a lot with many friends.
And my mom and sis have been TMSers all their lives. My sister is so repressed angry/goodist that she can hardly walk with every possible kind of arthritis, 2 hip replacements...
Actually, her anger isn't THAT repressed, which is why I don't even mention this to her.
I just watched that link to the Barbara Walters segment above. Thanks for posting it. I just sent it to several friends (always trying!). It's amazing how the guy's brother won't even TRY it.
But I've been experiencing this all my life. When I got into meditation at age 18, I tried to convert my parents. Since then I've been into one thing after another. Still, now that I'm actually leaping around after 30 years of sickness, people ARE whispering...
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
|
|
|
armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2007 : 09:04:11
|
Veronica,
Yep, it is something you will have to deal with if you have those around you who are not able to accept it. I have suggested Sarno to a number of people, and I don't think any have truly taken it. My mom claims to believe, and perhaps she kind of does, but her behavior is still very much toward the physical like there is something wrong with her. A friend with CFS is now (unrelatedly) in therapy and perhaps learning that his issues are emotionally based, but he definitely wasn't trying to hear it from me. I told a friend with mild recurrent RSI that I thought he had TMS too (apropos of my own success) and he was skeptical. Etc, etc. I try not to get too invested in it, though inevitably I feel sad, and then I try to just be sad and annoyed and not repress it. :-)
It's too bad we don't get much support or agreement, usually. But it's great you're standing firm on your belief and telling your mom that her comments are not helpful to you.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
|
|
|
Plantweed
USA
109 Posts |
|
|
ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2007 : 21:35:37
|
This file is in the RealPlayer format, .ram. It looks like you can get a Real player for free here. The little blue button in the upper righthand corner.
http://www.real.com/mac/
Hope this helps.
Ralph |
|
|
|
vrampen78
USA
30 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2007 : 22:58:12
|
It's great to have that video clip of the Stossel interview with Dr. Sarno...I've never seen it just read about it. Definitely a great help. Thanks for posting the clip.
-Veronica |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
Family and Friend Support?
