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jrnythpst
USA
134 Posts |
 Posted - 09/04/2006 : 18:11:14
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Ok this could be a loaded topic by subject matter alone. My mom bought/financed a new car today with her own money that she works and earns. She wanted one more new car that she could pay off before she retired. My father took this and all other purchases wayyyyy out of porpotion. He started belittling my mom and calling her names and telling her she was hard harded and wouldn't listen. This has gone on my entire life whenever mom goes out and decides to do (read buy) something on her own.
His number one complaint was she normally doesn't consult with him first and that his first wife was like that and that was what made him the most upset with her. He's fine with me and my younger sister. He went from yelling at her to talking calmly with me. I know it bugs mom a lot. I also know this is the source of my picking lousey boyfriends that tend to belittle me and put me down. It's what I grew up and even though I know it's wrong I stil went after the same thing. I hate it when he yells but he doesn't know how to have a civil argument.
He watched the TMS video with me and admits he has this. I gave him a book to read by Stan Lee about "Growing yourself up." I am now reading it and highlighting things that I find pertinent for myself. I am hoping he will read it and see himself in it as well AND do something about it. But I can't force it down his neck. Like it says in the book I can only try and be adult about it and regress back to my childhood. I wonder what his parents were like. I try not to judge and I have talked to both parents seperately about different issues. It's just how they are. They've been together for 30 years now. Anyone else have any insights on this? Or any been there done that? Yes I am searching for sympathy and empathy and will be the first to admit this. Thanks in advance.
Hugs,
Ali Cat |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2006 : 19:09:46
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Ali, does your dad consult your mom about any big purchase he makes, if he does then she should also, if he doesn't then he should not expext her to either.
My husband , in thirty years never consulted me either, we did not have a joint account, he did not want me to work , I was grateful for this when my kids were small but when they got older he told me that if I wanted to put in my two cents to go and get a job, suddendly he had changed the rules, I got a job a weelk later and started to buy my kids things , him presents, things we needed for the house, that upsset him also, he told me he wanted my money in a joint account with his , so he could dole out grocery money to me again, I refused, things eventually led to the divorce. May I say I never looked back, some men will not relinquish control. My dad was a chauvenist controller and manipulator with my mom, yet ten years after her death , he still talks about how good she had it with him. I don't want to discourage you Ali, but some men can read books till their eyes fall out, usually they think the advice is directed at other people, as they have all the answers. |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 09/04/2006 : 19:18:40
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Ali, one more thing I found out, having a job never gave me equal say, I would have had to make more than he did and even then, he was the man of the household that gave him rights I could never have.
Sure explains the lack of power I always felt, sure I left, but that also left me poor, he found himself a widow whose husband left her a million dollars, she is also very dumb and thinks he knows everything, that makes her the ideal woman for a chauvenist like him.
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Mary Ann
Canada
42 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2006 : 20:49:24
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quote:
Originally posted by jrnythpst
Ok this could be a loaded topic by subject matter alone. My mom bought/financed a new car today with her own money that she works and earns. She wanted one more new car that she could pay off before she retired. My father took this and all other purchases wayyyyy out of porpotion. He started belittling my mom and calling her names and telling her she was hard harded and wouldn't listen. This has gone on my entire life whenever mom goes out and decides to do (read buy) something on her own.
His number one complaint was she normally doesn't consult with him first and that his first wife was like that and that was what made him the most upset with her. He's fine with me and my younger sister. He went from yelling at her to talking calmly with me. I know it bugs mom a lot. I also know this is the source of my picking lousey boyfriends that tend to belittle me and put me down. It's what I grew up and even though I know it's wrong I stil went after the same thing. I hate it when he yells but he doesn't know how to have a civil argument.
He watched the TMS video with me and admits he has this. I gave him a book to read by Stan Lee about "Growing yourself up." I am now reading it and highlighting things that I find pertinent for myself. I am hoping he will read it and see himself in it as well AND do something about it. But I can't force it down his neck. Like it says in the book I can only try and be adult about it and regress back to my childhood. I wonder what his parents were like. I try not to judge and I have talked to both parents seperately about different issues. It's just how they are. They've been together for 30 years now. Anyone else have any insights on this? Or any been there done that? Yes I am searching for sympathy and empathy and will be the first to admit this. Thanks in advance.
Hugs,
Ali Cat
My advice to you Ali, is to disengage from your parents' conflict. It is between them. Repeat. It is between them. Don't let your parents put you in the middle. Prepare yourself to say over and over: "I'm sorry that you feel that way Dad, but that is between you and Mom and I don't want to be in the middle of it by listening to you." And walk away. Repeat as necessary. Do the same with your mom if she complains about your dad.
As for your dad treating his TMS, share your experience, but focus on your own progress. Your parents are adults. They have their own issues and you cannot fix them. You can share what you've learned, and if they are open, they may find it beneficial too, but the main thing you need to focus on is your own healing.
I know you love them and wish them to have a better relationship, but that isn't your job. The sooner you accept that, the easier it will be for you.
I wish you all the best.
Mary Ann |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2006 : 21:06:44
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Mary Ann,
Excellent point ! |
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jrnythpst
USA
134 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2006 : 10:51:56
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I have actually basically done just that guys. I listened passively and changed the subject. I thought about bringing up once more just to ask my dad if he understands how that made mom fill and to explain that mom is NOT his first wife but I think I will let things lie for a while. I almost called my oldest brother to talk to him about it but it's not really his business either and he has enough things to worry about without my adding to them. Good advice though. I mainly wanted to vent, I wrote that post at the same time as he was being childish over the whole ordeal. My posting it/journaling it at the moment helped me from further getting involved and letting myself get hurt from it too. Thanks again.
Hugs,
Ali Cat |
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Parents
