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buster_lo
USA
12 Posts |
 Posted - 08/24/2006 : 05:25:24
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Right, so it's 4 in the morning and I just rolled out of bed (literally, getting up the regulr way would have hurt too much) and stumbled my way to the living room with a harsh grimace on my face.
My back pain has been on a low boil for months now. I read Sarno's books, swallowed the pill and told myself over and over that the horrifying pain I suffer was mentally based. And for months it's seemed to work. Or at least work enough that I can enjoy myself, do the yoga that I love and live my life the way I want to.
Then over the last week or two it's started crawling back. Over the last two weeks that little pain started getting big.
At first it was just transition pain. If I was sitting down for an extended period, it would hurt to get back up. As I straightened up my muscles would spasm and stretch and ache.
But then yesterday it all went to hell. I was sitting at dinner with some friends and found myself desperately wanting the meal to end so I could get back out of the damned booth. And right now here I am hunched over the ottoman, my laptop on the floor trying to figure what the heck has caused this relapse.
Here's some of the stuff that might be causing this backslide:
-I went kayaking on Monday and spent about 3 hours sitting with my legs out in front of me. My back tingled a bit during the boating trip, but it didn't feel like anything I couldn't handle.
-My favorite yoga teacher just left my yoga studio. He'd been helping me a lot to get past the physical problems I was experiencing.
-I've just started seeing an absolutely charming and beautiful woman--the first person I've dated in a year I've been really legitimately interested in. Could this be my anxiety over actually liking someone popping up physically? I'm supposed to see this girl tonight, and now I'm just wracked with horror that I'm just not going to be any fun due to the pain.
-I've had a few weird things happen with work lately, with clients thinknig I was coming across as too cocky in my dealings with them. Could this be anxiety over that?
Now, on the upside, I haven't panicked yet. I've been repeating some of the key mantras from Sarno's book. But here it is at 4 AM and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to fall asleep again. I really don't know what to do.
Thanks for letting me rant.
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h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 08/24/2006 : 06:47:13
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Good Morning Buster.
Sorry for your painful night. I have to say, you're looking at the right places.
I'm going to assume you've seen a Doctor to rule out anything seriously physical.
The kayaking was only a trigger and a mental one at that. You're doing the right stuff, looking at the pressures of your life, and looking at the stress of even the excitement of dating someone where it might work out. That's a big stressor for me.
Journal, if you're not already.
Regards.
Beth |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 08/24/2006 : 10:52:10
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Hi Chris,
Stop playing the movie.
You know what I'm talking about. Replaying everything over and over again in your mind and over analyzing everything, building lists of what if scenarios, and then running those thru repeatedly, trying to make it all work out. That's the goodist in you, the perfectionist.
Stop. As BB65 would say, "Let Go".
Its not your fault your mind is wired this way. That's what led you to Sarno, his TMS diagnosis and to this forum. Forgive yourself, your body is not broken, don't blame yourself for the state you are in, your mind just needs to be rewired.
No fear. When it hurts just let it hurt. Don't fight the pain, that just fuels your rage, both externally and internally.
Have faith. Sarno is dead on. The TMS diagnosis is dead on. Do your TMS work and you will recover. So many of us have made the journey and we are successful, you will be also.
Take care, -Stryder |
Edited by - Stryder on 08/24/2006 10:53:38 |
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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - 08/24/2006 : 11:55:39
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What Stryder said, and if I may add...
A lot of what you're saying sounds very focused on physical/structural causes. I think it's best that if you're going to pursue this as TMS, which it sounds like it is, then you need to stay away from all the worries about how you sat, what activity you did to cause it. Because that's totally opposite of what your brain needs to hear to believe it's tms. |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 08/24/2006 : 12:01:21
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Hi Buster,
Stryder X2. Sounds like classic TMS to me. Tms is the volume control knob for the pain. You are experiencing a number of life changing
experiences. Your normal state of homeostasis is being upset and your id doesn't like it.
Do not underestimate the weight on your psyche of the "relationship" card. It's always been at the top of my TMS deck for causing stress:
"not being in one"
"being in one in love"
"being in one out of love"
"trapped in one"
"Breaking up"
"not being in one"
The love hormone lasts for a year and then you are on your own; fight or flight?
To be happy, do as many things as you can that make you happy and do as few things as possible that make you un-happy. If you can't control the game, "accept" that that's the way it is, but try to learn from it so you don't have to go through it again.
Your experience at dinner being trapped in the booth was telling. I'm guessing your un-conscious felt trapped and was rebelling and wanted to run like hell from the new psycho-dynamics that you are going through.
I see you're in Seatle; I wonder if Frazier practices TMS therapy? Maybe it's time for a road trip.
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jrnythpst
USA
134 Posts |
Posted - 08/24/2006 : 12:08:36
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I see and second and third the whole movie in your mind idea that Stryder mentioned. I fell prey (still do at times) to this for years and years and years and did I mention years? I would obsess and worry and then worry about worrying and then make myself sick from worry but still couldn't stop worrying. I would blame myself for things that I did or didn't do or could or couldn't help. I would obsess about being in a relationship about not being in a relationship about not being able to make relationships work so forth and so on. I am the Queen of Worry but I am trying to break the cycle. So far I have gotten where I don't worry all the time and no longer blame myself for things I cannot help or had nothing to do with. It is a slow process but it can happen, I say then even though I am only at 50% improvement but I came half way I can go the other half and refuse to meet TMS in the middle. I wish you luck in your journey.
Hugs,
Ali Cat |
Edited by - jrnythpst on 08/24/2006 12:10:19 |
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buster_lo
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2006 : 08:12:31
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Hey guys,
Thanks for all the support. I think you're right in that I'm still focusing too much on the structural. I look in the mirror and see how I'm all kind of curved to one side right now, all my muscles overcompensating for the pain in my lower back, and I can't help but think "Dear god, what if I did some real damage to myself this time?"
It's a pain. But it's so hard to just kick everything friends and doctors and everyone else says out of my head and stay strong in the idea that this is emotional, not physical. It's 7AM now. I've been up since 6 because the pain won't let me sleep.
Which is new, actually. I've never had pain while lying down before. And that seems a key to me. Because the normal pain was worst when I'd been sitting for a while and then tried to stand up. But yesterday I didn't have that problem at all. It's just a steady stabbing sting right there near my tail bone that gets so much worse when I'm in bed.
Hmm.
Work to do.
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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2006 : 08:21:59
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| You should start from basics. Read the books. Start with either Mind Body Prescription or Healing Back Pain. It can be done, you will get through this but it takes time and you must overcome the physical thinking. The books will reinforce this if you have any doubts. |
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h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2006 : 09:00:31
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Buster,
If I were you, I would SERIOUSLY consider ordering Dr. Schecters Audio tapes. They come on CD, too.
You can find that info at www.mindbodymedicine.com
When I was pretty acute, they helped a lot.
Regards,
Beth |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2006 : 10:28:31
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quote:
Originally posted by buster_lo
I look in the mirror and see how I'm all kind of curved to one side right now, all my muscles overcompensating for the pain in my lower back,,,,,
Yea, I used to look like that,,, and obsess about it,,, and stand in front of the mirror looking at it,,, what an idiot I was. The [stupid] PT people even had a name for it, "hip shift". Oh brother.
Forget about it. You are correct its just goofed up muscles, it will go away during your TMS recovery.
Hang a towel over the mirror and press on.
Take care, -Stryder |
Edited by - Stryder on 08/25/2006 10:30:10 |
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jrnythpst
USA
134 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2006 : 13:02:18
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Stryder and buster_lo when you say curved.....did the doctors say it was degeneration? Did they say reduced cartliage? Did they say if it would get better or not? I am asking because it's the closest thing I have read so far to my knee situation and I was wanting to see how similar (or not) it might be. Please give me more info if you can. I am very intrigued. Thank you!
Hugs,
Ali Cat |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2006 : 14:54:17
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quote:
Originally posted by jrnythpst
Stryder and buster_lo when you say curved.....did the doctors say it was degeneration? Did they say reduced cartliage? Did they say if it would get better or not? I am asking because it's the closest thing I have read so far to my knee situation and I was wanting to see how similar (or not) it might be. Please give me more info if you can. I am very intrigued. Thank you!
Hi AC,
No, this is not degeneration of any kind, nor do I think you could get this kind of effect with a knee (that only has one joint). Its kind of like walking hunched over but not forward but to one side.
Basically, when all the muscles of your lower back (on one side) get all cramped up, that side of your lower torso becomes a little shorter. This causes your torso to curve a bit to that side. It hurts like h.ll and makes it harder to walk. In my case it could go on for days or weeks at a time.
[Note: There are real medical conditions where you can have a curved spine, and as usual you should see your doctor to rule out the unlikely case where you have a serious condition.]
There is not anything physically wrong with you if the root cause is TMS, as it was in my case. When you cure your back pain the muscles return to normal and the curve is gone.
Take care, -Stryder |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2006 : 00:12:33
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Stryder, my condition was once dx'ed as "compensatory gait disorder". I like your term better, "goofed up muscles". I suggest you put it in your glossary, it's as descriptive and scientific as the nomenclature for most disorders. Thanks for putting together the glossary. Hopefully it will be incorporated into the reorganized board format.
Cheers,
tt |
Edited by - tennis tom on 08/26/2006 00:23:44 |
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buster_lo
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2006 : 08:46:10
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I like "Goofed up muscles" too. Or, well, I don't like them since it hurts like hell. But I like the term. It's just amazing to me that this tremendously painful problem is really just a bunch of muscles that refuse to chill out. Makes it just about impossible to get any sleep. On the upside, that means I can stand here and watch my Sarno videos at 7 in the morning.
Wooo!@
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buster_lo
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2006 : 12:06:32
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Whew.
So I guess I'm about 4 days into my current TMS attack (I mean, I've never had the pain go completely away, but it usually sits around a 4 or 5 and right now it's at a 9 out of 10).
I've been digging through my Sarno materials, rereading parts of books and watching the videos. The downside is that it still hurts like hell. The upside is that I feel a lot less depressed about the pain and loss of mobility than usual. I'm approaching it kind of scientifically.
What's really fascinating to me is how different this bout is than normal. It doesn't really feel like "disk pain" like it did before, but is more just like a massive overreaction of the muscles down the right side of my back. I've got this dull ache in my right shin and when I try to do yoga my body just rebels. I mean, I do it anyway, but it must be funny to watch, since I can't even get into child's pose right now.
Anyway, I just feel like I'm stuck here. I believe in Sarno's work. I believe that my personality matches up to what causes TMS. But I can't seem to figure how to kick this thing.
It doesn't help that whenever I mention I have back pain, people say "Oh, I know this great Reiki practitioner" or "Oh, have you tried a chiropractor" or "Oh, you should go get cortisone shots" or "Oh, you should really be laying down and resting."
It's like a constant assault on my attempts to truly accept TMS as the cause of my problems.
But I want to believe.
And I want this damned pain out of my life.
And most of all I just want my body to relax.
How do you guys deal with the naysayers and mechanical explainers? I've been trying hard not to even mention that I'm in pain, but since no matter how hard I try I can't make myself sit down for more than a few minutes at a time, it's pretty noticeable.
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2006 : 10:11:21
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quote:
Originally posted by buster_lo
Anyway, I just feel like I'm stuck here. I believe in Sarno's work. I believe that my personality matches up to what causes TMS. But I can't seem to figure how to kick this thing.
Maybe you need some anger release. Read this thread, and my reply...
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2270&SearchTerms=trash+can -> Stryder - Posted - 07/03/2006 : 11:15:54
You can also have a good cry, but to be honest with you I've not been able to pull that one off.
Take care, -Stryder |
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buster_lo
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2006 : 11:34:49
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Thanks Stryder.
Yea, I tried the pillow pounding route yesterday. Worked a little. Even almost got to tears.
Here's my current problem:
It's been hurting for 4 or 5 days now. You know, hurting more than normal. Normal hurts. The last few days have been a few ticks above that. And yesterday . . .yesterday I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Watching Sarno's video, he says that I need to stop thinking that I'm going to hurt myself by sitting down, doing activities etc.
So yesterday, my back was frozen up, but I figured I'd go do yoga anyway. Know fear, right? So I went to class, found I was in a lot of pain during some poses, but just let it go. I tried to get blissed out.
But halfway through class I figured out that I really couldn't do much of anything.
So I left.
And on my way home, the pain really set in. And it was the most painful experience of my life. And nothing I did helped. Heck, I even had a friend of mine drive me to a chinese energy healer guy just so I could feel like I was doing something. It didn't really help, but at least I wasn't just sitting there.
And then last night I spent the whole evening trying to find a position that was comfortable enough to to actually get some sleep. I ended up finally tossing my mattress topper on the floor, doubling it over and curling up on it. I think I got two hours of sleep.
So how do I convince my body that sitting, doing yoga, going kayaking etc aren't going to **** me up? How do I get rid of basic activity as a trigger?
I'm reading about Neurolinguistic programming, which is cool.
But I'm also sitting here with excrutiating pain down my leg. And all the muscles on my right side are spasming. I'm going to the doc to get some pain pills so I can think straight.
I just want to feel human again.
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buster_lo
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2006 : 11:44:49
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Thanks Stryder.
Yea, I tried the pillow pounding route yesterday. Worked a little. Even almost got to tears.
Here's my current problem:
It's been hurting for 4 or 5 days now. You know, hurting more than normal. Normal hurts. The last few days have been a few ticks above that. And yesterday . . .yesterday I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Watching Sarno's video, he says that I need to stop thinking that I'm going to hurt myself by sitting down, doing activities etc.
So yesterday, my back was frozen up, but I figured I'd go do yoga anyway. Know fear, right? So I went to class, found I was in a lot of pain during some poses, but just let it go. I tried to get blissed out.
But halfway through class I figured out that I really couldn't do much of anything.
So I left.
And on my way home, the pain really set in. And it was the most painful experience of my life. And nothing I did helped. Heck, I even had a friend of mine drive me to a chinese energy healer guy just so I could feel like I was doing something. It didn't really help, but at least I wasn't just sitting there.
And then last night I spent the whole evening trying to find a position that was comfortable enough to to actually get some sleep. I ended up finally tossing my mattress topper on the floor, doubling it over and curling up on it. I think I got two hours of sleep.
So how do I convince my body that sitting, doing yoga, going kayaking etc aren't going to **** me up? How do I get rid of basic activity as a trigger?
I'm reading about Neurolinguistic programming, which is cool.
But I'm also sitting here with excrutiating pain down my leg. And all the muscles on my right side are spasming. I'm going to the doc to get some pain pills so I can think straight.
I just want to feel human again.
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buster_lo
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2006 : 22:06:44
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Not a bad idea. I've often said I'd love to have a punching bag right here next to my desk so I could throw roundhouse kicks at it.
Had to break down and go to the doctor for pain killers today. My back got so bad yesterday I was crying into my pillow. Got maybe 2 hours of sleep. Damn this sucks.
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2006 : 22:46:22
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quote:
Originally posted by buster_lo
...Had to break down and go to the doctor for pain killers today...
Good move. Those should take the edge off so you can think psychologically.
There may be other issues as well as those you cited in your original post. Maybe start listing out the ones you are conscious of in a journal to get started.
You have some work to do. Don't set any timetable for recovery, that will be counter productive. Don't fight the pain (that just makes more deposits in your anger bank). Let it hurt, remember that the pain is benign, you are not damaging your body. The pain is real, but the cause is not structural, it is caused by your inner rage at things you are conscious of and things you are not conscious of.
We have been in your shoes, many of us. We understand what you are going through.
Have no fear. The TMS diagnosis is dead on. Be patient. Sarno Rocks!
Take care, -Stryder |
Edited by - Stryder on 08/28/2006 22:57:52 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2006 : 23:48:25
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Buster-lo,
I feel for you...Mine has been in my neck and down my arms/hands...I have been in excrutiating pain and dealt w/ neuro symptoms on top of it..They are so scary...I did alot of the Sarno work but need to do more..I am still suffering w/ conditioning..IE...when i try new activities i get a reaction...increase in pain or other symptoms...But I am pressing on through it anyway...At one time, very recently, i was completely bed ridden..There is hope! Keep up the good work...And i love the title "Dear God.." Ultimately..God is the true healer of all...
~Karen |
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Dear God
