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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 07/15/2006 : 20:12:15
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Hi All,
The other day I painted for the first time in 7 weeks..Due to the acute neck TMS attack I have been dealing with, I haven't been able to do many basic and necessary things...After painting, my body reacted badly and increased the pain quite a bit and the lack of mobility...Or I should say my brain reacted, not my body...I am definitely nervous about my upcoming art exhibit in the library and the wine and cheese reception they are having for me on Tuesday night...I don't want to be in this condition while greeting all the poeple, it would really be awful...
My neck is just Stuck and I am REALLY trying to think what is it inside my unconscious that is feeling so STUCK and lodging itself in my neck? Or is the gremlin just going nutso because I have been crying alot lately and getting in touch w/ some deeper emotions...SOmetimes I cry about the pain, but then it goes to things like missing deceased loved ones, missing singing, tennis, hiking, etc...Just missing being ME! Has anyone ever had the Gremlin kick it up several notches just b4 attained some real relief??
I sure need to hear some positive things right now...I am back to having to lay down alot again because the pain and tightness in my neck is so bad..We went for Thai food and I had no appetite...THat is a real rarity..The pain was so uncomfortable I felt sick to my stomach and had to put it in a doggy bag to take home...I swear I have been doing the work..I have been watching the Sarno videotapes over and over and it does help some. I am in the process of reading Divided Mind as well...I could journal more frequently and consistently, but when the pain is this bad and I can hardly move my neck I just feel unable to sit up long enough to write...I type way faster and easier then I write... |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 07/15/2006 20:18:03 |
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FlyByNight
Canada
209 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 07:57:08
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Signer
It is interesting that you say that you cannot journal ecause of the neck stiffness. THEN how the hell are you able to post this huge number of long messages on this board ?????? ... Sounds to me that you could fill an entire personal journal in a matter of a week if you took all the post you put here in a couple of days.
I would rather ask myself if it's serving me in some way NOT to journal ...... Maybe the emotional pain is too strong....
Food for thouhgts
P. |
Edited by - FlyByNight on 07/16/2006 07:59:56 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 10:29:36
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| Look, I backed off on posting actually...and if you read my post here it says clearly that I type MUCH faster and EASIER then I hand write! I CANNOT look down, up or to the side, period..very little range of motion..WHen I type I am looking straight ahead...I do appreciate you giving me food for thought, P. And I realize that on email it's hard sometimes to know exactly where someone is coming from themselves emotionally when they write...It sure sounds to me like you are angry at me for the HUGE amount of posting I have done...You know what...I am getting freaking SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT MY POSTS!!! IT is a free country...DON"T READING MY DARN POSTS IF YOU DON"T WANT TO...Am I pissed FINALLY??.....YES!!!!!! I mean what the heck????Can't some of you find another way to release your anger then pick on another person who is suffering and reaching out? I have APOLOGIZED for posting too much several times...AND I HAVE SLOWED DOWN....HAVEN"T YOU NOTICED??!!!..I am extremely angry right now and I am sorry P that you are getting the brunt of it..because it is built up from that person JOYFUL and another COWARD who wrote me a nasty email anonymously...GET OVER IT...PASS BY MY POSTS if you don't like them...THIS IS PART OF MY PROCESSING...and perhaps posting is my way of journaling since it hurts tooo much to look down on a pad and WRITE...Just like i cannot even paint right now. Just get off my case already! |
Edited by - Singer_Artist on 07/17/2006 10:14:43 |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 10:47:33
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It's good to get angry, but I do hope when you calm down you re-read this thread with a fresh perspective.
I'm not sure where you got the idea that anybody was "complaining" or "picking on" you. This is likely projection of your own thoughts, part of your goodist personality.
Sensitivity (i.e. having a thin skin) is just another TMS symptom. Another defense mechanism manufactured by your mind to distract you from what is really going on inside, those emotions that are bottled up and the brain is desparate to keep from rising to the surface. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 11:21:24
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I don't blame her for being pissed..Generally speaking, questions that begin quote:
THEN how the hell are you
are at least somewhat hostile in intent...
Dave, your reply was probably the last thing she wanted to hear...Not evrything in the world is evidence of TMS. Sometimes people just get angry. I would have too in her place, and by the time I got to your reply I would have graduated to furious.. |
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Curiosity18
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 11:32:05
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Thank you, Dave. Singer Artist, I'm wondering why you can't just type your journal for now. If that's all you can do, then at least it's a place to start. In any case you'd looking inside and exploring your feelings. I think as TMS people, we often think in all or none terms, part of the perfectionism. "We must do cursive writing, or use our nondominant hand to journal." Not that there's anything wrong with these techniques, I think the point is, though to JUST JOURNAL, starting with where you're at in this moment. I wish you the best, and I know this journey can feel frustrating, and even downright hopeless at times. Just stay with it.
Curiosity |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 11:36:41
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I love you Art! No foolin..You are a great friend!!!...Thank you for being in my corner...
Hi Dave,
You make some good points as always..The only thing I would disagree with is that in a few cases people ABSOLUTELY were picking on me..Mostly they were not, I agree..Mostly it IS my being thin skinned, and people just trying to help..BUT in the case here with Flybynight, in the case w/ that person Joyful, and in the case of the chicken sh*t person who wrote me a nasty letter to my email address ANONYMOUSLY..I assure you, there was inappropriate and uncalled for anger and nastiness thrown in my direction...You did not see the letter that came to my regular email address...Borderline cruel... |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 11:38:23
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| Thanx Curiousity...Appreciate your message...I would rather hand write my journal for a number of reasons. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 12:36:55
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One more thing to those who are sooooooo annoyed w/ my over-posting..I would suggest that you print them all out and save them...because...I AM GOING TO BECOME A WORLD FAMOUS ARTIST BEFORE I DIE and ya know what? THey will be worth alot of money! I am painting today in tremendous pain, doing it anyway because of my big exhibition in the library this Tuesday...
For my friends,
I really don't know what the heck is going on...The painting is triggering terrible spasms in my neck and the back of my skull..it's almost unbearable..no, it is unbearable..I have to keep stopping and going to lay down..Is it the gremlin trying to sabotage my art opening? TMS has stopped me for periods of time from singing, but never from painting..not to this degree... |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 13:22:56
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| Have you considered the pressures of having to deliver art for this show, and in general the pressure on yourself to "become a word famous artist" as a contributing factor to your TMS? |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 13:43:26
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| No I haven't Dave..but good point..Right now I just feel like crying and giving up. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 14:44:42
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I've often felt that way. I'm sure many of us have. It's silly to compare illnesses, but believe me when I tell you that I was quite sick for a long, long while. Two years ago I thought I was dying.
We don't give up because we can't give up. We continue to fight because it's in our nature as human beings. YOu know what, Karen? I really think Dave is onto something, at least with respect to the upcoming show. YOur'e just putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself to be better, and it's counter-productive..
I've suggested this before, but I'll try one more time. Consider going to a physician and getting a prescription for a muscle relaxant/tranquilizer to get through this. I'm lamost positive it would help you greatly...
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 14:52:34
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Thanx Art,
I have Flexiril from last year but it makes me dizzy if I take it for more then 2 days and I cannot tolerate that symptom...I am also worried it will make it where my muscles will forget how to relax on their own..They are so haywire right now, I have no control over the spasms...I would go get a Rx for valium but my concern is when the doctor sees how I cannot move my neck, he/she is going to suggest I have a structural problem and should get an MRI...That will just make me panic more and I am doing my best to accept the TMS Diagnosis...I have to fight all the white coats in my head, so i am reluctant to go to another...Dr. Sarno says in his video he only would prescribe a pain killer not a tranquilizer...That might also block out my emotions more to, and in the long run prolong the TMS.I don't know..I am out of my mind right now and just devastated from the pain and fear. |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 15:19:35
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
Dr. Sarno says in his video he only would prescribe a pain killer not a tranquilizer...
In my view there is not much difference. Anxiety is a symptom, equivalent to the pain. If it's OK to take a painkiller for the pain, why not to take a Xanax for the anxiety once in awhile?
TMS symptoms often occur due to the things you don't realize are bothering you inside. I'm surprised you never considered your life's work as a potential ingredient of unconscious rage. That's a pretty big omission from your thought process. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 15:47:28
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quote]Originally posted by Dave
quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
Dr. Sarno says in his video he only would prescribe a pain killer not a tranquilizer...
quote:
In my view there is not much difference. Anxiety is a symptom, equivalent to the pain. If it's OK to take a painkiller for the pain, why not to take a Xanax for the anxiety once in awhile?
TMS symptoms often occur due to the things you don't realize are bothering you inside. I'm surprised you never considered your life's work as a potential ingredient of unconscious rage. That's a pretty big omission from your thought process.
[/quote]
I agree with all of this. A xanax or two isn't going to hurt you. You know what? Maybe it's time to consider secondary gain here. Not wanting to upset you, but I'm not qite understanding why you won't do evrything it takes to get better,,,
I'd be on the xanax in a heartbeat. |
Edited by - art on 07/16/2006 15:48:26 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 16:25:35
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Don't think it's secondary gain, in this case...If you knew me better you would know that I am a naturalist, big time...I do my best not to take ANY drugs unless absolutely necessary...I am a health nut and know alot about nutrition and about side effects from meds...My sister is additcted to Xanax and it is a very dangerous drug...I wouldn't take Xanax if I were paid to. I would take valium temporarily and I have...But no one addressed the issue of going to a doctor and having the doctor probably say yet another thing to me about how it appears structural...I think that is something important for me to consider...
I haven't thought of my work as a singer or artist as a source of rage because I don't think it is...I love my work, and it gives me enormous pleasure...Not being able to sing or paint temporarily because of pain is another story..That does make me furious inside. So I don't think I omitted anything huge from my thought process. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 16:27:39
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| BTW, I did take a homeopathic remedy called "Calm Forte" and I have been taking 'Natural Calm' which is powdered strong magnesium all day long to try to calm down the spasms..I am doing everything that I can to get better. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 16:34:51
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quote:
I am doing everything that I can to get better.
....except taking a medication that will in all probability help you.
I'm not trying to "push" drugs. Generally speaking they're antithetical to the TMS approach, but that doesn't mean they don't have their place. YOu've been sufferiinge trials of hell for weeks and have a show you want to be reasonably healthy for. IN addition to all that, you've got a tremendous amount of anxiety which is probably making things worse.
AS things stand you can't work. IN fact, you're in so much pain you can't even journal. This type of drug can be remarkably effective. At the risk of going from your "A" list to that other list, isn't it at least possible there's some reason you're holding on to your pain...
Again, generally speaking, your position re drugs is admirable. If ever there were a time to consider it however, I'm pretty sure this is it... |
Edited by - art on 07/16/2006 16:46:14 |
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jrnythpst
USA
134 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 16:49:10
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Singer, I have not done professional work like you have in the art field but I have had an art show in school, had my artwork published to a limited degree, helped paint murals in churches and daycares, was part of a singing group in college and traveled to various churches and the like to perform. I enjoy karaoke from time to time, and have been encouraged to persue my writing, my artwork, and yes even my singing. I was even on the speech team in college. That being said, I agree with what a few people are saying about your work being part of the problem.
My artwork was never good enough, at least not for me and when people would tell me it's fine without telling me how to fix it it would anger me. To me something was off or something was missing and "it's good or looks fine" was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted to fix it! This could be why I haven't stuck with my artwork though I feel I need to go back. I am most definitely my own worst critic.
Singing I know can be a trigger as well as therapuetic for me. If I am ready to sing in front of people, look forward to it, and have prepared myself for it then it's enjoyable and helps with the stresses of life. But if someone volunteered me to sing or I wasn't as prepared as I hoped, I would get physically ill, almost to the point of vomitting, my head would hurt, my heart would race because I wasn't ready and thus didn't feel good enough to perform. Your art show could be this way for you, you think (hope) you are ready but other things outside your artwork are causing doubt and this doubt is creating pain because while most of you knows you are good enough, there is that small margin that that fears ridicule or being laughed at because you weren't at your peak when performing.
Wow I set off to help you and think I may have helped myself slightly in the process as half way through writing this my hands started to tingle and wanted me to stop writing but I pushed my way through it.
Guess we should be inspirational art buddies. LOL I hope this helps.
Hugs,
Ali Cat |
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Susie
USA
319 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 16:57:27
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| Karen, I've been in your situation twice- in the midst of a huge tms attack and had to go "on". I run horse auctions and have had several huge ones while in distress. The symptoms always got worse towards the event. Of course, at the time, I knew nothing about tms. We video the sales and at the beginning of one auction, I was visibly twitching. I couldn't believe it when I watched the video. I got thru all of them and still lived. Once they got started, I felt a little better. I had my big back attack during one and I had my crew bring a couch into the back of the collesium so I could lie down every hour for a few minutes. The point I am trying to make is that I survived and so will you. Sure, it's unpleasant and it would be alot more fun to feel great and enjoy the moment. You know what-- at your next show you will feel great. Now, before a big auction, I might have some mild symptoms or break out in hives for a few days but I never pay attention to them and they always pass and I usually am in great shape by sale time, mentally and physically. Remember, these symptoms are harmless. Everyone must do what they are comfortable at but for me, I would go drug free. You will gain a tremendous amount of strength and power from your survival. |
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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2006 : 17:40:55
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| I didn't want to chime in on any of this "creative" or "artistic" conversation until today. But here goes... I have been a professional singer ALL of my life since age 15 (25 years now). Although I know for a fact it brings me great joy, it also is one of the things I do to make my self-esteem strong. In other words, it's the one thing I do really well and I know I get recognition for it. I get compliments ALL THE TIME at my gigs. Have for MANY MANY YEARS. Ok, so I never made it to the big stage, so I never became Mariah Carey or even Janis Joplin. But I know for a fact that I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to perform PERFECTLY at each gig I do, even to this very day I write this. I am so intent on doing well, that prior to finding out about TMS I had to cancel gigs the night before a gig or same day, due to neck and back spasms or recurrent flu-like colds that would come on out of nowhere. So I think you should give some thought to what the others have pointed out here. THe perfectionist in you is driven to be perfect for your upcoming show and you're spiraling from the anxiety of doing well. We ALL on here do this. You say you only use homeopathic stuff for calming down. That's your choice, take whatever you feel is best. But you're not that much of a "purist" if you're taking anything at all for anxiety that's ingested. Doesn't matter if your "relief" of choice is natural or synthetic. The point is, you need to calm down and whatever that takes, I'd think you would want to be open to taking something that just may, just may... be more effective and not necessarily get addicted to it. You're your own best advocate. But try to be open to what others are suggesting as they are trying to help you. |
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Getting worse b4 getting better...
