| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Speedofsound
USA
1 Posts |
 Posted - 01/25/2006 : 15:37:10
|
Hi
My wife seems to suffer from TMS. She just began to accept it and it is really really difficult for our family. I try and try to help her, to support her in her process, but when she doubts about the therapy and I encourage her to continue, I become "the ennemy". You have to know that I suspected TMS before she even accepted to read the book. During the last years, we've been through a lot, believe me...
Do you have any advices for me, tips for my attitude ? What do I need to do, to tell her ?
Thank you a lot, I'm very confuse rigth now.
Mark |
|
|
FlyByNight
Canada
209 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2006 : 16:19:51
|
Mark,
It is kind of funny to read you post because my situation is totally the inverse. I am the TMS sufferer who just begin to accept the diagnosis and I just told my wife to read the posts to better understand what I am going through. Our family situation seem to be very similar to your in the fact that we went through a lot of stress anx anxiety over the last 3 years (business banckrupcy, death of ppl who were close to us, new house, a Ph.D thesis to finish, 2 kids joining the family, new job, etc etc. )
I would be glad to give you her email if you are interested. I asked her and she approved. MAybe it could be benificial for both of you to talk together as you are going through the same kind of things ..
regards. .
Pat |
 |
|
|
Star
USA
16 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2006 : 07:54:14
|
I'm sorry to hear that it's being really hard for the family. I find alot of times that the WAY spouses try to support each other causes miscommunications and hurt feelings. (happens sometimes with me and my husband) Maybe what she needs you to say and what she needs from you, maybe you're not giving it to her exactly the way she needs it and she's not feeling that support from you that you're trying to give.
Maybe you can try to sit her down and say "I support you in whatever you do, tell me exactly the things you need me to say to support you. Tell me the things you need me to do to support you. Tell me how often you need me to say these things and to do these things."
Then say and do these things. Do and say ONLY these things that she says. If you do these things in the future exactly how she says and it's still not working, tell her that you're doing what she said, does she something different now?
If you've been thinking it's TMS and she's just now starting to believe it - she may be upset NOT that you were right but that she was WRONG in the past. That's her own issue that she has to work out. But if she strays from TMS and wants to seek other treatments - you HAVE to support her in the way she tells you. You can't throw it at her that it IS TMS and what she's doing isn't helping. (I'm not saying that you are doing this, just that THIS isn't a supportive way to try to help)
If she refuses to tell you exactly what to say, what to do - then just give her a big hug, tell her that you will always support her to help her get better and that if she figures out what she needs you to say or do, to let you know so you can do them.
I hope this helps.
|
|
|
|
lastlostmonkey
35 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2006 : 09:05:48
|
quote:
Originally posted by Star
If she refuses to tell you exactly what to say, what to do - then just give her a big hug, tell her that you will always support her to help her get better and that if she figures out what she needs you to say or do, to let you know so you can do them.
I agree with Star. I find that often if I feel strongly about something and someone else appears to be wavering I will try to persuade them with reasons and numbers and rational arguments. As if they have expressed a request for a summary of information. My husband does this to me as well.
I have realised that it rarely works because often we don't need information, in my case if I am feeling low, losing faith in any kind of difficult process, anxious about not getting better, what I need is emotional reassurance. It just happens that we use the same words to express two different needs or feelings. So a hug and a 'you can do it, look how far you've come, you're strong' is infinitely better than 'the doctor said this, look at all these other people who've done it, look at the book again etc.' The latter, although well meant, often comes across to me as 'you're failing because you aren't doing as well as them as fast as them, you aren't trying hard enough.' and it provokes a defensive, argumentative response in me.
That is also a natural TMS personality reaction. We don't give things time, we want to get better straight away and do well at it and if we don't we blame ourselves. It was kind of a revelation when I realised that I could choose to communicate my needs to my husband in these kinds of discussions. We expect too much that people will know automatically and choose to be belligerent and that's what leads to miscommunication. It just hadn't occurred to me before that I could change it. So I think Star's suggestion that your wife tell you what she needs is excellent. That's my experience.
Cheers,
lostmonkey |
|
|
|
electraglideman
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2006 : 14:39:59
|
Speed,
Tell your wife that you love her and give her all the affection she can stand.
Many TMS'ers never had that when they were growing up. |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
...And what can do the family ?
