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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
 Posted - 12/23/2005 : 14:47:41
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Hi Everyone,
First and formemost, I'd like to wish all of you a happy holiday season.
My divorce proceedings are currently underway and I am now legally separated from my husband. Our divorce becomes final in May, I believe. Things have been difficult at best. We are still under the same roof, unfortunately, since the apartment I'm moving into is not built and/or ready for seven more weeks.
I'm still doing pretty good symptom wise - only getting very miminal and brief episodes of dizziness. It is all but gone. The stomach problem is another story - IBS and a great deal of heartburn and ulcer type symptoms, all TMS. I even got some good old back pain thrown in this week and then recognized it for what it was and it was gone.
Emotionally, I have been dealing with all sorts of bulls--- this past week. I was forced to sever the tie with a close friend, after she took me to lunch and gave me a moral lecture about my life for over an hour. Throughout the entire lunch, all I heard was how my "poor" husband must be so devastated and upset. Of course, I reminded her that not only have I lost 15 pounds, my hair is falling out, I don't sleep, and I'm suffering from stomach distress but all that doesn't matter since I'm the one filing (in her eyes). She even had the audacity to ask me if I minded if she call my husband and be his "friend." Mind you, she's probably spoken to my husband a grand total of about 10 times but she feels the need to be his friend. I, on the other hand, have been nothing but a friend - I've cooked for this woman when she was sick, watched her kids, photographed her children for free on several occasions, hosted many parties to support her multilevel marketing business, etc., etc. I told her it would be okay if she really wanted to call my husband but the more I thought about it the more irritated I was. Not only had she given me this lecture all throughout lunch which pissed me off, but to start needling around and talking to my husband was a bit much. On the advice of a few friends, I called her and left her a very nice message telling her this was probably not a great idea. I told her my husband has his own friends to talk to and his whole entire family to support him, but thank you anyway. Later, I got an email from her telling me that she really didn't need my "permission" to talk to him and that she can talk to him any time she wants. My response, on the advice of a wise person on this forum, was to tell her "You're absolutely right. You can talk to my husband until you both turn blue in the face." I sent it two days ago - I've heard nothing back.
It's interesting, but when you are going through a divorce you start to find out who your true friends are. So far, I've already lost two. I've probably never felt this alone in my entire life. It's scary. But I'm getting my life together - renting an apartment, finding a job, being the best Mom I can be - and that's all I can do. Hopefully, the rest will all fall into place.
Meanwhile, my husband continues to drive me completely nuts. His mood swings are like that of a woman in the throes of menopause. One day he wants to be my "friend" and the next he treats me so bad that I'm convinced even further that I made the right decision. He barks out orders ("Clean the spare room upstairs with all your crap in it by the end of the day or I'm going to heave it into the garage") and treats me, like always, as if he were the parent and I were the child. He says things to our daughter like "You know, you can always live with me more than Mommy if you want to." It's so wrong - I want to scream. First of all, we have 50/50 joint custody, so nobody is getting the kids more than the other. But to put a child in the position like that of choosing or favoring one over the other - that's just plain freaking WRONG!!! These are the things my "dear friend" doesn't understand - she wasn't married to the idiot. My other daughter tells me that every time he's mad at me he says rude things to me when I walk out of the room, such as "You are a true bitch, Laura," right in front of them. Sometimes I wonder if I'll last seven more weeks.
Of course, my "moral" friend thinks that my "affair" with the other man (who, by the way, is still back home with his family) was the thing that destroyed my marriage. My husband wants to blame him as well, because that takes all responsibility or ownership for our problems off of himself. He doesn't realize the marriage was deteriorating for nearly 10 years, and it was on it's way to being over long ago.
Well, I feel better getting all of this off my chest. I think it helps to "vent" here and get things out, like I do when I journal.
Again, hope you all have a safe and happy holiday season.
Laura
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2005 : 20:21:17
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Hi Laura
Just wanted to say hI and let you know we're thinking about you.No advice...seems like your getting plenty already,and I've never been where you are right now...I won't patronize you with any pretentions of "knowing how you feel' or 'just hang in there'
-Marc |
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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 12/24/2005 : 07:35:23
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Hi Laura,
You may have lost 2 friends but I'm sure that you've gained a few on this forum. So from a friend in OkC, my heart goes out to you during this difficult time. You will come through this and be a much happier person for it.
Happy Holidays to you too!
Gaye |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 12/24/2005 : 11:02:57
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Marc,
Thank you for that. I appreciate all of your support.
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 12/24/2005 : 11:21:29
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Gaye,
Thank you for your kind words also. You know, I have gained some wonderful friends on this forum and even though I can't be with everyone in person, it's great to know people are thinking of you and caring about you.
This has been the biggest nightmare I've ever been in. The one "friend" blabbed all around the neighborhood that I'm having an "affair" also. So now, every time I walk out the front door I walk with my head down. They can't get my new apartment done fast enough. My poor children. I actually sat them down and told them that I had already decided to divorce their father but that I had met a "friend" who happens to be a male. I told them someone started a rumor that I was having an affair but that it's not true. What am I going to say to them? That their dad and I were unhappy for 10 years and that Mommy met someone else and became involved romantically with him, and now he is no longer separated and moved back to his wife? Way too much. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock, before September 9th, 2005, but then I realize that had I not met him I'd probably still be married and miserable, wanting out but not knowing how. He was the catalyst that propelled me to move forward and finally do what I've been wanting to do for years.
I'm concerned that I'm just about to lose now a third friend. She is someone I've been very close to for a couple of years but she is like a sister to me. We always make each other laugh, we're always there for one another, and I can't imagine her not being in my life. She has been unhappy in her marriage as long as I have known her. She has threatened to divorce her husband - he is a bully and a jerk. Nobody understands why she stays with the creep. He is the BIGGEST control freak (makes my husband almost look like a saint) and she is controlled by him. I think he is threatened by me - I said I was going to divorce and I followed through with my intentions. Now, he makes comments any time my name is mentioned. One night last week she asked me to stop by so she could give me a Christmas gift. He wasn't there. I stayed all of about 25 minutes. He got home and my car was in their driveway. He came in and barely spoke to me, and when I left world war II took place because he went off about how I was in his driveway, or I'm "always" over (I'm never over, and hadn't been over in weeks). He is a SCHMUCK. Now, she is so controlled by him, I'm not allowed to call her on her home line and she only asks me to stop by when she knows he's gone for a long time. He is running the show and she's allowing him to do so. The thing is, I know I'm a good person - I take good care of my children and am a conscientious mother, I'm not a big drinker, I do have morals (even if I had a lapse in judgment one time and was unfaithful to my husband), and I'm a good friend. So, needless to say I'm a little ticked off at this jerk for his behavior towards me. And I'm almost more angry at my friend for allowing him to control her life. My ex-husband never liked her from day one, but it didn't stop me from being her friend. He may have controlled me in a lot of ways, but when it came to my friends I made my own decisions.
Well, again thank you for your support. I am grateful to all the kind and caring people on this forum.
Happy holidays,
Laura
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electraglideman
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - 12/27/2005 : 10:08:39
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Hi Laura,
Nice to hear from you. Sorry about your current situation. It will pass. I promise you the feeling of having a belly full of broken glass will pass. The heart break from having "friends" who stab you in the back will pass. Say it to yourself over and over "this will pass".
Yesterday I went to the coffee shop where I meet my friends every morning to BS. The sun was shining and the temperature was going to get up in the high 50's. Someone made the statemnt " we should all go for a motorcycle ride." We all went home and put on our leathers and took off for a 160 mile ride through the countryside. The sun shine and the fresh cool air was invigorating. I wish everyone could experience a motorcycle ride like that one. During the whole trip I was thinking how great it was to be alive and doing what I love to do. I was not thinking about my past nor my future. I was enjoying the moment which lasted for three hours. When I returned home and changed cloths I realized that I did not have a sore muscle or joint anywhere on my body. Damn, that Harley Davidson is the best investment I ever made. Can a Harley Davidson be a placebo?
Laura you need to take at least one day out of the week to get out of that house and do something that you absolutely enjoy doing. I will help sooth your tummy and you just might meet some new friends!
Take care
Mike
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/27/2005 : 10:43:40
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@ Laura
In general I would have to say that most men would be a bit leary of having a recently liberated female around THEIR property..uh...I mean ..uhh..wife??
Most of us are not all that complex to figure out.Oh..WE think we are complex,dynamic,and enigmatic,but most people not involved with us can figure us out in about 90 seconds...just as we can figure them out in the same.
E=Mc2 is only brilliant in it's simplicity.Most profoundly moving and deep truths are as such.We only become clouded by sentiment,prejudice and Fantasy..all of our own creation...These are the only 'complexities' in our character.
Let me clarify a short piece for you,since I have the Baseline perspective of 2000 miles of clarity and disconnectedness.
NO married man is going to approve of you...period.
There is very little difference between your marriage and mine,or hers or theirs.The Idea of simply ending it because a Man treats you miserably is Heresy to all men,though none would admit it.Just like TMS we don't understand our relationships,they are not clear to us,and we don't realize that we are conditioned like rats in a skinner box to respond in certain ways.
..and just like rats in a skinner box,we all feel like we are making decisions based on 'choice' and 'judgement'.Remember in your previous post how all response to your agonies fell on deaf ears once you announced your marital infidelity??
Most people who are married who read a post from you are probably looking for where their own relationship is NOT like yours.Any clear thinking man would want his wife as far away from you as possible,lest she compare notes and find that...you're not all too different!!!!
So...don't be so naive'. A LOT of your friends and social intimates are going to disown you,particularly amongst the M.O.T.'s....I was chucked out the second my father and only connection to the tribe was severed.
One thing that I liked about being a homeless junkie,was I got to see how many people were really,really my friend.In spite of my desire to whine about how alone and friendless I became,there were about 5 people who did not disown me...I consider myself pretty lucky.
I am fairly certain that were I to become a dope fiend again,my marriage would last about a month...something I don't like to think about,lest I realize that the : 'in sickness and in health' part was somebody else's script and you are born,and die,alone(Unless you're on a plane)
If you have 3 friends left at the end of this deal,you'll have done fairly well.
Sorry...
-now I'm going to roll over and go back to somnambulizing about marital bliss and the 'soul mate' that I'll never find,because I found my soul and it's loveless.
-piggy
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jilly_girl
USA
108 Posts |
Posted - 12/27/2005 : 12:21:40
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baseball your post made little sense.
Jill |
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h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 12/27/2005 : 14:51:08
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Laura,
I've been thinking about you wondering how it was going with you.
congrats on staying the course. I know it's not easy.
As far as Baseball's comments, I think they were a little stereotyped. I think we live in a slightly more enlightened culture than than. Of course, that's just my opinion.
True friends tell their husbands, "F you, I'm going to see my friends because they're important to me."
Best Wishes,
Beth |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 12/27/2005 : 14:57:32
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Hey Laura,
You're right. This guy is absolutely threatened by you. Of course, his type is threatened by anything...The last thing he wants is his "woman" getting any ideas...She might just up and leave him and then where would he be? He might actually have to confront some of his feelings, and we all know where that can lead..Where do you suppose all those murder-suicides we see in the papers every day get their start?
I just have a gut level, intense dislike for narcissists of all stripes//perhaps because my mother's one..
Anyway, your only responsibility is to yourself and your kids..you don't need to give a flying you-know-what about anybody else...if she's truly a good friend, she'll find a way to support you..or perhaps she is a good friend, but can't get past her brute of a husband to show you that..
In the meanwhile, you can be a good friend to her by continuing on your courageous path...this might inspire her to find her own courage...But then again, she might go the other way...Emotions like envy and fear can really bring out the worst in people...(just take a look at her husband)...
Baseball's right. By leaving your husband you've become a subversive, a pariah...You might as well have dropped a bomb in the middle of your well kept, picket-fenced, suburban neighborhood..The last thing people wnat to be reminded of is their own unhappiness..no wait, maybe the very last thing they want to be reminded of is their own cowardice..
Happiness is attainable for most of us, at least temporarily, but the price is high...You've already shown you're willing to pay that price, so no turning back now..
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Edited by - art on 12/28/2005 11:50:17 |
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Calvin
USA
46 Posts |
Posted - 12/27/2005 : 15:10:37
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Full time lurker here. I come here to read and learn and get the occasional laugh. So many insightful people, so much wise advice. Its always good to stop and visit.
I like reading Baseball's posts, but this one did kinda catch me off guard.
quote:
In general I would have to say that most men would be a bit leary of having a recently liberated female around THEIR property..uh...I mean ..uhh..wife??
I guess I can see the humor here, but others definitely may not, especially the women here. Women = property? (Fingers in my ears and squinting, hoping its taken in jest)
quote:
Most of us are not all that complex to figure out.Oh..WE think we are complex,dynamic,and enigmatic,but most people not involved with us can figure us out in about 90 seconds...just as we can figure them out in the same.
I've been married 15 years and I still can't figure out my wife!!! Actually, I don't want to. Keeps me on my toes. But with other people, you can definitely figure them out in UNDER 90 seconds, especially if they're a fast talker.
quote:
Most people who are married who read a post from you are probably looking for where their own relationship is NOT like yours.Any clear thinking man would want his wife as far away from you as possible,lest she compare notes and find that...you're not all too different!!!!
I'm ducking for cover on this one. I would think that any "clear thinking man" would have enough self-esteem and trust in his wife not to worry what the married friend is telling them. From what I've experienced, its the opposite. The newly seperated friend is looking for someone to talk to, someone to not take sides, just a friendly ear to bend. This recently happened to us where a recently seperated friend was hurting - my wife talked to her, they went out to the movies (while I babysat), she came to our house for dinner a couple of times. After a while, the seperated woman eventually started dating a new guy. They still talk but now the seperated woman is more involved with this new guy. She actually called me and thanked me for letting my wife be her crutch until she felt better. And the wife was thankful for me not being a "jerk" and sequestering her away from someone who really needed some help. Not my style anyway. I'm sure she'd do the same for me.
quote:
I'm going to roll over and go back to somnambulizing about marital bliss and the 'soul mate' that I'll never find,because I found my soul and it's loveless.
Blah, I never belived in that soulmate stuff anyway.
I hope this doesn't cause a rift between you guys - you seem to get pretty good on this board.
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/27/2005 : 18:29:30
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@ Calvin...I think my friendship with Laura can stand a little sarcasm (yes that intro was sarcasm) and honesty. A lot of those comments are in context with stuff we've discussed in the past via other posts,so if they seem off the wall....they are...in context of course.
I was just making the contrast a little clearer..No one's ever accused me of softening a blow,and I don't want Laura to continue to suffer further,as if my past observations bear out in her case,that was not the last 'Friend' she has lost due to her Divorce.
I had the strange experience of hanging out with the recently divorced wife of a star celebrity type.I was always shocked that she was shocked....'so and so' other celebrity would come into town,and she would be flabbergasted that 'so and so' wouldn't return her call..
"But we were always such good friends when I was married to (Blank)"
She had deluded herself into thinking that all these other 'Hollywood' types were really her friends and liked her for her...had vacationed together,partied together..and than she divorces her celeb husband.
Obviously an extreme example,but just a magnified version of what I see time and time again in divorces.Many,many of my childhood friends treat their wives like sht...as if they were property,or minion/maidservants.In all honesty,I many times can see where the wife is in the right when she leaves.None the less,I stand by my friends in 9 out of 10 cases(barring physical abuse)
I've had the same friends for 3 and 1/2 decades...I've only been married 13 years.
old habits and affiliations die hard.
You will never,ever get the soft sell from me...and Laura knows this.I admire her a lot,and she is going through something that none of us(except divorcees) can fathom...I have never been divorced,so I have no clue as to how much pain she is going through.
I HAVE lost 'friends' however.
Life is sort of like a vegetable strainer with BIG holes.
-piggy
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 12/28/2005 : 13:50:55
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Thank you everyone for your input. Baseball, as always, I love to hear your perspective. I'm not offended in the least. I totally get what you were saying.
Everyone else, thanks for your thoughts and supportive words. I actually got a call from my friend today. When I told her I needed to call her back she asked me to call on her home line, and I actually think her husband might have been home. Perhaps the email I sent her telling her I was unwilling to "tippy toe" around her husband and his mood swings did the trick. In this email, I told her that my husband always had not so nice things to say about her but that it never stopped me from being her friend. I told her she needs to stand up and make her own decisions. Let's hope she read that email, but if not then she's making an effort.
I realize this is a time in my life for huge changes. I will lose some friends along the way, but the ones who are truly my friends will stick with me. And, there's always the fun of making new friends, right?
Again, thanks everyone. I feel very fortunate to have found this forum and all of you.
Happy New Year!
Laura |
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Update on my divorce and TMS symptoms
