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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
 Posted - 10/06/2005 : 11:14:07
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I was wondering how you were doing. The fear of the unknown is always a lot scarier than the events that actually happen. You will be fine! What's the worst that can happen? That you have to get a job, your own place to live? How about no more stomach pain, dizziness, and whatever else our mindbody throws at us. How about peace of mind and knowing you are doing something positive for you and your kids and quite possibly for your husband as well.
Gaye |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2005 : 18:05:01
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Dear Gaye,
Thanks! It's been pretty awful but you're right. The other day we had to go to our temple for the Jewish near year. What a good time (NOT). My husband was sighing the entire time and kept getting up and leaving. Then, on the way home he went off on the kids about a bunch of things and tried to drag me into it with him. I'm so done. I'm ready to get my own place and start my life.
Today, after I posted on here, my husband called and said "Please don't get an attorney. Let's try to do this amicably, with a mediator and preserve our money for ourselves and our kids' education." Wow. That's the first thing he's said that's made sense in a very long time!
I'll keep you posted on what happens!
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 10/16/2005 : 11:15:53
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Hi everyone,
A lot has happened since I last posted on here. One thing that I never mentioned at the beginning of this thread is that five weeks ago, when I ultimately decided to end my marriage, I met somebody else. The thing is, I had been so unhappy for so many years, even posting on this forum several times about the stress in my marriage and my wanting out. I feel as though I'd been standing at the edge of a cliff for a very long time, waiting for a push, and this person was what finally gave me that push. He was the catalyst that got me thinking "What the heck am I doing in this marriage?" The night I met him, sparks flew. I had gone to a club with a group of girls for a girls night out. The four of us wanted to go out and be crazy for one night. We had dinner and then went into the bar area. I wasn't feeling well that night and actually thought about leaving. The place is nearly an hour away from my house and I couldn't really do that to my friends. I suffer from IBS and my stomach was cramping and in pain throughout the dinner. I had to leave and go sit in my car for about an hour, writhing and rocking back and forth to make myself feel better. I took some stomach medication and tried taking deep breaths and eventually I was okay. When I went back into the club my friends said "Let's all go up and dance." In 20 years of marriage, I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I have never even danced with another man. Usually, on the rare occasions I go out like that with friends, I turn everyone down who asks me to dance. I only dance with my friends, because it's safe. But that night, this person was standing next to me and kept looking at me and I kept looking at him. Sparks flew and he asked me to dance. I danced with him all night, for hours. We talked and talked and it was intense. We left the club and went to an "after party" which was really just an excuse to sober up two of the girls who had had a little too much to drink. I sat and talked with "him" and we really had a connection. It turns out we have a great deal in common, to the point of it being almost scary. It also turned out his name is the same name as my husband, he lives in the same city as me, and he is going through the same marital crap as me. He has moved out and they are in the process of filing a separation.
We have been seeing each other and talking to one another ever since. I cannot get him out of my head. There is an attraction that is so intense it scares me. It's like for five weeks I've been living this double life. I would leave and take walks and meet him, or go out with my friend and meet him for a glass of wine and talk. The more we got to know one another, the more and more coincidences we found. It's just so weird that I would meet someone nearly an hour away that lives right here, 10 minutes from my house, who is going through the same thing.
Fast forward to Friday. We saw the marriage counselor and my husband now knows about "him." It was forced out of me and I had no choice but to say it. Now my husband is frantically trying to win me back. Every chance he gets he is hugging me and the last two mornings I have woken up to him next to me hugging me and sounding so desperate. The thing is, my husband doesn't get that this desperation is a big turn off. The other guy is busy - he plays hockey, coaches hockey, and works a 40 hour week. He made his life busy when he was unhappy in his marriage, just to be away from his wife. He is not always available because of this right now. He can't just walk away, it's what he loves and it's his passion. That makes him attractive to me.
Since I met him and since I decided to end my marriage, NO DIZZINESS. It's gone. My stomach, on the other hand, has been a mess and continues to be a mess. It feels ripped apart on the inside. Now, it's getting even worse with my husband knowing what's going on and trying to pressure me to end that (i.e. stop talking to the guy at all) and put 100% into working on our marriage. I just don't think I want that. I didn't want it before I met the guy and I don't think I want it now. I thought we were filing for divorce this week and now I'm feeling confused, even though I still feel empty and have no feelings for my husband.
So, as you can see, things are a mess. My life is upside down, my IBS is in full swing, and I need to get some peace in my life. I'm off to the gym now to work out. It always helps to blow off some steam. I haven't slept well in five weeks and this weekend I actually got 6 hours one night and 8 the next. I feel like a new person now that I've had some sleep. I was averaging one to two hours per night, if that.
I will continue to keep you posted.
Laura
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verdammt
Canada
97 Posts |
Posted - 10/16/2005 : 20:12:30
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"...I met somebody else."
Yikes! Been there, done that. The worst thing you can do during divorce proceedings is to get involved with someone else. That new person will always seem perfect - the key to your happiness, the one you should have married, the answer to all your prayers, etc. Take a deep breath. You're going through one of life's most stressful situations right now. You're vulnerable. You're frightened. And your judgement could be a bit unbalanced.
Stay focussed. Stay frosty. First get your life together. Then, when you're in a position of strength and stability, think about getting involved with someone new. You'll save yourself a lot of grief. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2005 : 09:33:45
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Verdammt,
You are absolutely right, I know that. But at the same time, I don't think I would have had the courage to move forward had I NOT met someone else. It's like I was stuck in this dead end marriage for years and years and wanting out so badly, but never having the "push" that I needed. This was the push, but unfortunately I think you are right. I'm so vulnerable right now and he does seem great in so many ways. At the same time, there are some things I'm starting to question and it's making me think "Heck, I don't need either of these guys. I just need to get my life together and work on me."
Thank you.
Laura
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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2005 : 10:37:31
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Did you think those same things when you met your husband? NO ONE is without their own set of baggage and personality traits. He may seem wonderful now, but believe me he's only human!!!! Get your own life together first, only you can make yourself happy, don't try to put all that pressure on someone else, they will only disappoint you. Because if you leave and then find out that this guy wasn't what you thought then you will not know if you left for the right reason or not, you'll just be second guessing what you did. I REPEAT, do not do this unless it is only for you and your kids, no one else. You might ask yourself why is he in his situation? If he was so perfect, what happened? And believe me it takes two to make a mess of things! Do not see this guy or talk to him until you are completely free and have been on your own for a while. I'm sure he knows how vulnerable you are. If he's so wonderful, he will wait and give you the time it takes to heal.
I don't mean to be so hard, you are going through a tough time, don't make it any harder on yourself!
FOCUS!
Gaye |
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twoiecat
2 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2005 : 16:22:55
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Do you realize no one has really responded since you finally admitted you have been seeing someone for 5 weeks before posting it?
Hope your life is getting better though because I can relate to what you are going through. |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2005 : 18:38:55
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Eh... actually a lot of people have responded to Lara's message. It's just that it is under another heading "acne and hair thinning".
Just thought I'd let you know..
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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twoiecat
2 Posts |
Posted - 11/19/2005 : 21:14:01
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| Thanks for the info Marla. I appreciate it. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 11/20/2005 : 17:10:43
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Thanks, Mala.
Twoiecat,
Not sure what your point is but thanks ever so much for your post. Perhaps you should get a life!
Laura
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Topic |
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Divorce, stomach pain and dizziness
