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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
 Posted - 09/24/2005 : 11:26:30
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Hi everyone,
It's been quite a rough couple of weeks for me and I haven't been on the forum much at all.
My husband and I have been talking about the possibility of divorce, with me being the one pushing it. We have had two rather intense sessions with a marriage counselor, the most gut wrenching (hence the stomach pain) experience of my entire life. My husband was weeping throughout both sessions, one of the sessions lasting two hours. He desperately wants to keep the marriage alive and I'm just not sure.
The weirdest part of the whole thing is, two weeks ago I made the decision that we should probably split up or at least separate. Once I made that decision, my dizzines pretty much was gone (with only one or two fleeting seconds of imbalance). I said this in both therapy sessions, to which my husband said "Well, I think your dizziness is gone because everything is finally coming out." I tend to disagree. I really feel in my heart that once I made that decision I started to feel better. I think for a long time I have believed my marriage has been a big stressor and a big "cause" of my TMS.
I told him in therapy yesterday that I wanted him to move out but I guess it's not that simple. He really does not want to leave. I have had my mind made up about this and then last night I had a moment of weakness. I had been out with my girlfriend to a home clothing party and then we stopped off for a glass of wine. The place we stopped off to is a place my husband and I have gone to together. Also, the duo who was singing we have listened to before. They were playing songs that my husband loves, like James Taylor. All this was reminding me of what we once had, how I once felt. I took my friend home and I drove around for awhile, crying and feeling confused. Then I drove by our old house, the one where both of our kids were born, the one where my husband taught them to ride their bikes. That made me really sad. When I got home, we started talking and he kept hugging me and asking for a second chance. I'm so confused - I don't know what I want. This is truly the hardest thing I've ever been through.
Now, I'm wondering if I give in and try to make things work again if my dizziness will start back up again. Throughout all of this experience, my stomach has been an absolute wreck. I've lost 11 pounds in less than two weeks.
Any thoughts? I'm lost.
Laura
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 17:01:42
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Hi Laura,
Instead of giving advice directly, it sometimes it helps to ask what you would advise if it were someone else asking, based on everything that person has written...
So, not to put too fine a point on it, but what would you tell a woman who is married to pretty much of a jerk, someone whom she is no longer attacted to, a woman who is physically ill from so much pain and unhappiness...and....whose illness went away when she decided to end it? |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 18:44:14
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I'd say "Get out and don't look back" but I guess it's easier said than done. There is so much history and for whatever reason, I suddenly am remembering all the good times. I'm hoping more therapy will help give me some clarity. Today my husband has been hovering around me quite a bit, yet at the same time saying he's trying to give me my space. He just told me a bit ago "When we were talking last night I felt a connection again. I think you still love me." Yes, I do love him and I always will, but do I love him in the way that I am supposed to and do I love him enough to keep going?
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 19:08:33
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Laura,
The away I see it your dizziness could be due to either of these 2 reasons.
First. It could be due to disatisfaction with certain aspects of your marriage and your relationship with your husband in which case you need to specifically pinpoint what those issues are and see if they are resolvable or not. Once you have resolved them, see whether or not you feel better both mentally and physically.
Second it could be that you really need to move on, make a clean break in order to heal and that is the only way.
Either way, you are the only person who knows.
I think asking him to move out is a good idea. Give him a time frame and tell him you want to have some time on your own. See what happens when he is away and how it affects you.
Unfortunately seperation and divorce are always a bit messy. I hope ethings work out for the best with you.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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polly
127 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 19:49:10
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Laura,
I read what you wrote and was about to reply and didn't. I then read the end post of the string from the new member who is lonely in England. She mentions a book she read by Byron Katie.
When I was about to reply to you it was to tell you to get a book by Byron Katie calling Loving What Is.
I have been married for 26 yrs. Not all of them have been good. We separated for a few years. My TMS did not get better when we were separated. I didn't go back because of TMS. I think you have to separate the two. If you hang your TMS on a relationship problem, work problem, kid problem...I think you can end up in a new situation with the same symptoms.
I strongly recommend the book. I think it will answer a lot of the questions you are posing. The one thing I know is that I am really happy I'm still married. We laugh a lot. But, it's my laugh that I found again. I'm glad I'm doing it with him.
And on this subject...I'm thinking about Marc (Baseball65). I hope he's okay.
Polly |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 19:59:18
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Mala,
Thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate it. I think you are right. He really doesn't want to move out, and since money is tight with his new job (well, he started it 10 months ago so it's a little new) he is afraid we won't make it financially. Still, I feel like I need to separate from in order to make this decision. I'm hoping I will miss him and want to rekindle things and that in the end maybe it will all work out. I just don't have a lot of faith at this point though.
Polly,
Thank you also for your response. I appreciate hearing your thoughts. I really am not hanging my TMS on this - it's sort of just an observation that I found and it made me really start thinking about it. Someone once posted on this forum, when I had written about some awful fight or something, and said "I think I found the source of your TMS - your husband." I think I am going through a period of looking inside myself to try to find what I want in this life and what makes me happy. I've just fought with him so much over the years and have not felt attracted for such a long time that I really thought I had the answer. Now I'm just confused. The easy thing would be to just accept the marriage for what it is and give him another chance. The difficult thing would be to end it, and that's what I'm struggling and coming to grips with.
Thank you again everyone. I really need the support now more than ever.
Laura
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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 09/25/2005 : 07:52:17
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Laura, a friend recommended "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. I haven't read it yet, but since this friend was the one who recommended Sarno's books I take her recommendations VERY seriouisly!
Possibly having some time away from each other will help to clarify things with you. If he really is supportive of you and wants the best, he will let you have this time.
What's that old saying, you have to let something go if you want it to come back. Something like that.
Cheers,
Gaye |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/25/2005 : 09:06:06
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Gaye,
Thank you for the book recommendation. Someone else that I know (a very wise person) recommended The Road Less Traveled and that's the one I'm going to focus on, but the book you recommended sounds like something I need as well.
It's funny - that expression you used. I said it the other day "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be." I think that is how it goes.
Things are pretty bad around here. Last night we "sat" our kids down to have a discussion about the "seriousness" of what's going on (i.e. Daddy is sleeping downstairs and Mommy and Daddy are having problems that we are trying to work out). That was the most painful thing ever. Our oldest just sat there, speechless, and the youngest stood up and said something to the effect of "I don't know why you are bothering to try to work on anything. If you know it's not going to work why don't you just end it?" This is the same 13 year old who announced to me two weeks ago "Dad just doesn't make you happy - you need to leave him. You are so much happier when you aren't around him." Out of the mouths of babes.
Laura
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Calvin
USA
46 Posts |
Posted - 09/25/2005 : 10:04:26
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I'll throw in my vote for the book by Harville Haddix as well.
Another one I have is probably on everyone's book shelf - Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus. When I first read this book, I couldn't think of how silly it actually was - you mean women want you to LISTEN??? Not fix the problem???? Later on, I decided to give it a try and was really surprised at how well my wife was reacting to my simple act of just listening and being there to vent. I kept my mouth shut when she complained about her sister (I'd always tell her what she should do about her) and I learned to just give her time to blow off steam. This is just a small example of the entire book, but you catch my drift. I've really found it to be great reading.
However, the irony is that both of the authors have gone through divorce!! (John Gray, who wrote Mars/Venus, was married to Barbara DeAngelis - a relationship specialist herself who has been married 4 times) |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 09/25/2005 : 12:01:50
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Laura- your husband says he really wants the relationship to work but what exactly does that mean. Does it mean that he is willing to change his ways and start treating you decently or is it just a means of holding onto you? Is he able to sit there and listen while you level with him in therapy and tell him how he has mistreated you and shamed you in front of other people and your children? Is he willing to look inward towards his own behavior and resolve to work on his own issues to really change his ways (through some individual therapy hopefully)?
I'm really glad you are pushing back and demanding that you be treated with respect and love. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/25/2005 : 17:16:32
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Miehnesor,
I don't know what it means but that's a good point. At this point, the analogy that best describes things is that I feel as if my husband is drowning in the middle of the ocean and I am the buoy he is clinging to for dear life to stay afloat. He has truly centered his world around me, even though for years now he has been preoccupied with his job and other things and I have felt unnoticed and unappreciated. He admits that he has been an "a--hole" (his word) and that he has a lot of work to do on himself. I just really don't know if it's too late for me. He told me this morning that he knows I have no feelings and that his hope is that in time I will get them back.
Tomorrow, as fate would have it, is his birthday. Therefore, our family is going to dinner in a couple hours. I know it will be a tad uncomfortable (to say the least) so I'm a little nervous about it all. I just went to the store to buy a birthday card. What a difficult thing that was - they all were cards that said things like "To my love, my soul mate." I guess this is just one of many awkward times to come, if things don't work out between us.
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/25/2005 : 21:43:30
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Okay, we just got back from dinner and it was bizarre. On the outside, we looked like one big happy family. On the inside, I was screaming to run away. My husband opened his gift (a CD) and thanked me and gave me a kiss. My daughters smiled, as if things were improving. All throughout the dinner, I was somewhere else. I just wasn't even there in my mind. I just kept thinking "this is probably the last of his birthdays we celebrate like this, as a family." I'm so glad to be home now.
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2005 : 12:26:54
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So, now for the past few days I've been "trying" to make things work with my husband. It's hard to "try" and make things work when in your heart you feel things are not able to be repaired, nor do you want them to be. Of course, all this self doubt keeps creeping in, and then voila - I'm dizzy. It's happened a couple of times in the past day or two. I definitely see a direct correlation.
Yesterday in the late afternoon, I had a huge altercation with my husband where he screamed at me at the top of his lungs, used the F word a few times, and stomped his feet hard on the floor, all the while saying "Why are you f-ing doing this to me? Why are you abandoning me?" It was awful. Of course, I stayed calm, which really upset him further. I told my husband it looks as though he's never going to change - I mean, if this is his idea of working on things and being on good behavior I don't know...All I know is he acted like a total ass.
It's just interesting to see the waxing and waning of the dizziness in correlation to what's going on here in my home.
When I picked up my youngest daughter from her friend's house last night, again she reiterated her feeling that I should divorce her dad. Again she said "I still don't know why you are bothering to try to work on things with Dad. Dad will never make you happy." And, "If you divorced Dad things wouldn't be any different. I would see him as much as I do now - the only difference is, Mom, you wouldn't have to argue with him anymore." Amazing.
Laura
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2005 : 12:41:53
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Laura- What an incredibly difficult and aweful situation you are finding yourself in and yet I suspect that you will look back at this time and realize that you are making an enormous breakthrough in your life.
When I read your last post my gut reaction was - tell him why you are leaving! Be totally honest with him about how he has hurt you. Don't hold back. Lay your cards on the table.
It's an amazing insight to see the correlation of all those years of dizziness and the repressed emotions surrounding your husband.
Hang in there. You will get through this. |
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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2005 : 13:48:18
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Hi Laura, I think you answered your own question when you stated "It's hard to "try" and make things work when in your heart you feel things are not able to be repaired, nor do you want them to be." It sounds like he's trying to "quilt" you into staying. That's not good for either of you. When I was a kid I used to say the same things to my mother that your daughter is saying to you. I really wish she had listened, it would have saved her from years of heartbreak and she might still be with me today. I know she suffered from TMS and I can see why now.
Do what's best for you and your daughter.
Gaye |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2005 : 18:56:31
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Thank you, Miehnesor. As always I feel comforted by your words. I don't think I've ever been through anything so unbelievably painful in my life. Like I said, if that was him on his good behavior and "trying" one can only wonder what things will be like when he slips back into his old patterns. I have just checked out emotionally and he knows it.
Thank you also, Gaye, for reaffirming what I'm thinking. Some day when this is over and I'm in a happy relationship, I'll see that it was all worth the pain. And, in the process, maybe make a better life for my kids and not a worse one (as he keeps telling me is going to happen if I don't stay in the marriage).
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2005 : 08:17:40
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So, last night my husband sits my poor 13 year old down and starts interrogating her as to why she feels the way she does. She tells him simply "You will never make Mom happy, all you do is make her upset and sad. I just think you should divorce already. Then maybe you can both meet someone who will make you happy. I'll still see you, Dad, as much as I do now. The only difference is, Mom won't have to fight with you all the time." Again, amazing.
Laura
P.S. Upon hearing this, I started feeling DIZZY!!!! |
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verdammt
Canada
97 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2005 : 10:15:50
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"Then maybe you can both meet someone who will make you happy."
Sorry, Laura, but this is life's biggest lie: Someone else will make you happy.
Don't believe it. Only you can make yourself happy.
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2005 : 11:00:07
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I agree. But remember, this is coming from the mind of a 13 year old who sees her Dad as making her Mom miserable (and vice versa). Ultimately, we all must make ourselves happy.
Laura
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2005 : 11:12:39
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I highly recommend the book by Byron Katie called "I need you love - Is that true? How to stop seeking love, approval, and appreciation and start finding them instead."
Please see the following url for more background on this rich and wonderful book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/140005107X/104-1665370-3527132?v=glance
I wish you peace, love and joy in whatever you decide to do.
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2005 : 12:25:53
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Thank you, Peter.
Laura
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Divorce, stomach pain and dizziness
