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Suz
559 Posts |
 Posted - 09/01/2005 : 08:00:49
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This is really weird and disappointing. I have been pain free for a month. For some reason, last night I was at the US Open at a work function and my sciatica went mad. I had very high heels on and had to walk quite far - very uncomfortable. I am wondering if it was because I was quite out of my element. I work as the assistant to the president of my company - a hedge fund. I went with one of our senior analysts. All the people there were very high powered bankruptcy lawyers or Hedge Fund portfolio managers - super rich and super successful. I was nervous but in general have no problem meeting new people and holding my own. The problem is that I cannot discuss details of debt trading and bankruptcy suits - nor do I care to!
I wonder if the whole evening fed into my insecurities. I have always felt that I never reached my potential as I have a very good brain and many people have said I should be an analyst. Anyway, the people there were very smart and didn't really know what to talk about with me - amazing! There are other things besides the stock market. I felt quite left out and at the same time sort of grossed out by it all. Many of the guys were typical traders - comfortable swearing in front of women etc. - my firm is not like that as my boss has great respect for women. I guess I am old-fashioned and find that kind of behaviour really pathetic.
Of course, I also felt sad as I just broke off my engagement and everyone always asks me why I live in the states and how I came here as I am British. I don't feel like telling them I was married and now divorced (nor mentioning that now I have broken off an engagement0. I guess I felt like a failure in several aspects which is ridiculous.
The thing I am annoyed at is that my brain is still using my body - this enfuriates me. I think I will have to go back to reading and journalling again for a while as I haven't done this in a long time |
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sikocycles
13 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2005 : 08:30:02
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So how was the tennis?
I feel your pain. I was in the same boat. I was almost pain free for a while and than we got hit with the virus at work. I am he IT guy. Than being the forever student I had to sign up for classes. All of this gave me my sciatica pain back, Plus I was turning 32 and DR. Sarno thinks that getting older has alot to do with it. It enrages the inner child in all of us. I just saw Dr. Sarno on Trusday for a group meeting. It was good to talk to people that are having the same problems. Just hang in there and know that it will get better because you were better |
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Fox
USA
496 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2005 : 08:30:12
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| Did you anticipate that perhaps the high heels and the need to walk so far might give you sciatic pain? If so, that prediction could have given your brain just the opening it needed to produce believable pain to distract you from your anger about the situation that you found yourself in. You didn't use the word anger in your post, but I think that was probably the primary deep emotion that you were experiencing. It appears to me that you could not let yourself recognize the anger cognitively and, of course, under such work circumstances, you could not express the anger emotionally. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2005 : 08:52:09
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Fox - oh that hits the nail on the head for me! The pain was a very good distraction from the uncomfortable situation. I probably am very very angry that i find myself unmarried, single, childless at the age of 35 years - also that I have not fulfilled my potential in a career. Wow - I am so hard on myself - setting these insane standards that cause a lot of rage. It is the nature of my personality to be such a perfectionist. I also ended up telling the analyst I went with about the engagement break up in the car. I noticed how I felt like a failure again just because this happened to me. I asked him not to tell anyone at work as I was embarressed. Now I feel really exposed for telling him. He seemed horrified that i was intending to marry someone who lived with his mother. I felt like a fool.
I have also introduced different foods to my diet and I feel physically awful - really really tired and lethargic. This has to be a TMS equivalent. I am going to try and focus on all the emotional instead. |
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NLK
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2005 : 09:12:58
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Suz, as I learned from a sage counselor when I was dealing with my divorce: There are some life lessons that you needed to learn. This is how you came to learn them - celebrate that you've learned what you needed to and don't fret over how the lessons came about.
You are NOT a failure. You're a nice lady who has accomplished so much already, and you have great potential for a terrific and fulfilling future! Try to focus on your accomplishments and very recent growth - these are terrific accomplishments that you can be very proud of. Where you are in relation to others (e.g., marital status, # of children, job title, salary) means very little, unless you choose to put your focus there.
I'll bet you can think of many more productive, useful things on which to focus your energy  |
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Sciatic pain back - don't know why
