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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
 Posted - 08/22/2005 : 12:11:22
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Laura,
Is it the present, the past, or the present reminding you of the past that is causing your increased symptoms. My guess is the latter but only you can answer that one.
Regardless- it is absolutely not ok for your husband to behave the way that he does and you have to take charge here and change some boundaries so that he gets it loud and clear. Its not good for you and its not good for your kids. Sorry if this sounds lectury(sp) but it bugs me that he is treating you the way that he does. |
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electraglideman
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 15:08:36
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Laura,
How you handle your husband when he is abusive to you is your own business. Just keep this in mind. You are a role model for your two daughters. When they see how you handled your husbands abusive behavior, it will be imprinted in they're minds for ever. Daughters of abused mothers usually grow up to be abused mothers themselves. Boys who have abusive fathers usually grow up to be abusive fathers.
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 15:27:23
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Hi Laura,
Looking back over the years (and thanks to the many self help books I've been reading to sort out my own problems) I now realise that when my husband was being too "selfish" or demanding or whatever there were underlying emotional problems but his, not mine.
Is your husband feeling sidelined with all these women in the household? Is he having problems at work and hates to admit it or is he anxious deep down about lack of promotion or something. If he is worried about work he might envy your "secure" role in running the home. Does he think that you and the girls are busy having fun together whilst he has the drudgery of earning a living for you all and it isn't appreciated? Are the girls disrespectful (most teenagers are) but that isn't how he treated his parents? Anyway just some suggestions.
Hope this doesn't add to your worries and pressures at present.
Anne
Scottydog |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 15:55:41
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Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful posts. What a wonderful, caring group of people we have on this forum. I really appreciate all the kindness and concern that you all have displayed here.
I guess I've never seen my husband as abusive - I mean, he's never hit me and he isn't violent in any way. It's just the control issue - always feeling like I have to answer to him and like I'm a child. I spoke to my friend today and she asked "What was with your husband the other night? He talked to you like you were five years old." It's not just me. Others see it as well, and the most important of those "others" are my two beautiful daughters. I want my marriage to work, but not at the expense of losing myself and giving them the wrong perception of what an ideal marriage should be. Obviously, we have some work to do. If things do not improve, then I will no longer stay in the marriage. I will keep you posted on the progress.
Thank you again, Sandy, Anne, Electraglideman, and Miehnesor.
Laura
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 17:33:32
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Laura,
my therapist once told me that the worst abuse is often not physical...because you do not recognize it as abuse, and you let it continue until it wears you down.
Abuse is abuse. If you have to go sit in a room and cry, and have your kids console you, things are not normal. That is certainly as bad as being hit.
Along with your friends noticing (and it wouldn't matter if they didn't...it is still going on) Does anyone go out in the evenings with you guys? like to restaurants, or movies?
And to Scottydog,
There is no excuse for the behavior that lauras husband exibets. Not feeling sidelined, not being around too many women, not envy, and certainly not the disrespect of a bunch of teenagers. the teenagers are the kids...he is an adult. He needs to act like one...
If these things are so painful to him, he needs to go away for awhile and examine himself.
An adult who is in the kind of pain that causes him to treat others badly on a consistant basis, needs more therapy than any of us on this board needs.
This is not normal behavior.
It is more normal to give YOURSELF a bad back than to hurt the ones that you say you love.
Sandy
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Edited by - ssjs on 08/22/2005 17:36:20 |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 17:44:04
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Hi Sandy,
All the help books I have read say that you cannot change another person only yourself and the way that you behave towards that person which can bring about changes in the relationship. So that was my take on it.
Anne
Scottydog |
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 19:15:29
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Scotty dog,
quote:
Is your husband feeling sidelined with all these women in the household? Is he having problems at work and hates to admit it or is he anxious deep down about lack of promotion or something. If he is worried about work he might envy your "secure" role in running the home. Does he think that you and the girls are busy having fun together whilst he has the drudgery of earning a living for you all and it isn't appreciated? Are the girls disrespectful (most teenagers are) but that isn't how he treated his parents? Anyway just some suggestions.
Hope this doesn't add to your worries and pressures at present.
The things you said to Laura were blaming her and her kids, and outside pressures . Not her husband.
You were suggesting how they should treat him differently to get better treatment. as opposed to them simply not acceptng his behavior. And him getting the help he needs.
Certainly walking on eggshells will add to her worries.
She should not be spending her time soothing him when he will not let her talk to her friends and spend a nice evening out . If he is this insecure, and worried about her having fun during the day with the girls when he is working...when in fact she is dizzy, can't breath, and is in pain...well if he is jealous of that...
Maybe she should be more sympathetic to him...NOT
I am not saying that he doesn't have his own past and problems...but before he hurts someone else, his wife and daughters...he needs to examine himself!
I agree that you must change yourself to change someone else...but there are distictions in the way you change. Are you doing it to make someone feel better so they will be nice? or are you standing up for yourself so they will see they have to change in order to stay in the relationship.
Guess this string struck a cord in me. I'm a little suprised myself by my intense reaction!!!
Sandy |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 19:58:35
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Hi Sandy,
Two points I want to make
1 "when he will not let her talk to her friends and spend a nice evening out" -- how did he not let her talk to her friends and spend a nice evening out - did he drag her out by the hair? did he handcuff her and throw her over s shoulder? Why didn't she say "Sorry dear, I'm not ready to go yet. Come back for us later". But no, he is the one in the wrong.
2 " ..or are you standing up for yourself so they will see they have to change in order to stay in the relationship." In other words you stand up for yourself and force THEM to change in order to stay in the relationship -- when we've just agreed that you can't change another person?
Sorry to sound such a knowall but this stuff is what is in the book I mentioned earlier on the thread that I've just finished reading.
A formerly ok person doesn't turn into a selfish bully for no reason. He is entirely responsible for his inconsiderate behaviour but, as we tmsers know, there is usually more to it.
Anne
Scottydog |
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 20:43:08
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Honestly, I can go on and on...but this is Lauras life, and though I too am a know it all...I really know nothing about her life. So I will stop here unless she questions me.
But being the know it all I am, i will say that from what laura has written, she is not being treated right, and even if she contributes to its continuation, he still has NO RIGHT to treat her this way...and his treatment of her is HIS fault...not hers.
I will say no more.
Sandy |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 21:20:28
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Hi,
Just to correct that when I said "as we tmsers know, there is usually more to it." I wasn't inferring that Laura was part of the problem but he may have childhood stresses or something related which is making him behave the way he does.
Anne
Scottydog |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 22:11:46
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Sandy and Anne,
I know you both mean well and I appreciate your input. Sometimes when we are passionate about something it's easy to get riled up. Anyway, the two of you (and all the other caring people on here) have given me a lot of things to think about.
Thank you, again, for your concern and your compassion. Again, I will keep you posted on things. I know one thing for sure. Some huge changes will need to take place in our home because the marriage obviously cannot continue going as it is.
Laura
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Digging up repressed emotions
