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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
 Posted - 08/18/2005 : 22:13:30
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Okay, so lately I'm having a lot of dizzy spells every day, along with horrible headaches, insomnia, jaw pain, low back pain (yes, it's baacck!), mixed in with some stomach distress. I'm reading my Wayne Dyer book and really thinking about things in my life. Today, I actually did a 20 minute meditation. It was pretty amazing. Then, I decide to take my dog on a walk and while I'm walking I start thinking about an incident that happened to me about 25 years ago that makes me very sad to think about, something I have never gotten over and something I haven't shared with many people. I don't know why this came up in my mind, but lately all sorts of weird stuff is popping in my head (childhood issues and such). So I start crying while I'm walking and I'm all set to have a really good cry, and then my cell phone rings and I go and answer it. Of course, I had to compose myself and act like I'm fine and dandy. I never did have that cry. All day I've had an excruciating headache, with several "off balance" lightheaded spells. I can feel myself grinding my teeth and clenching down on my jaw, in turn creating more tension and more dizziness.
So, I'm thinking it might be a good plan to sit down and start digging in deep down and getting to the core of all this stuff. I realize I definitely have a whole bunch of stuff I'm carrying around. Guilt, sadness, anger - these things cannot be doing my body one bit of good, right?
Do you guys think it's okay to sit at my computer and just type away and unload all this stuff, or do I actually need to take a pen in my hand and write it all on paper. I mean, for those of you who journal, is it just the "getting it out" somewhere that counts? I ask this because every time I try to journal my hand gets sore and I stop. I'm a really fast typist (from 10 years of working for a psychiatrist office typing medical reports) and I just want to sit down, get this stuff out of my head, and have myself a good old therapeutic cry. I'll even mix in some pillow punching for good measure if need be. I just WANT TO FEEL GOOD already. I'm so tired of feeling like I've been beaten up.
Any thoughts?
Laura
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samthefish
23 Posts |
Posted - 08/19/2005 : 05:42:32
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For me I don't even have to write it down, I sometimes just sit and think about things that are bothering me. I do find that putting it to paper seems to be a little more effective, some times when I'm at a loss for what to think about I look at what I've written.
One thing I eventually realized was that some portion of my repressed anger was fury at the TMS itself - kind of this circular anger: I'm furious at having TMS, but wanting to be "optimistic" outwardly for the benefit of family I rarely complain or talk about the pain. This repressed fury in turn feeds the TMS gremlin. Anyway, eventually I realized this anger was OK (though I still don't complain much, just realize I have this anger) and it helped relieve the symptoms considerably. Not sure this will help in your case since it seems everyone has their own causes of anger.
Anyway, please hang in there, be patient - talk to your mind and tell it you're not giving up, you're going to be strong, you're not concerned that the pain isn't leaving as soon as you'd like, etc.
Also for me it doesn't matter if I type or write ... though remember you need to eventually "resume all normal physical activity", including writing...
Good luck!
-SamTheFish
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Edited by - samthefish on 08/19/2005 05:44:21 |
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/19/2005 : 06:23:28
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Laura
I do not journal, but so many people are into it. I can't see why typing would be any different than writing. You could probably get the thoughts and feelings out much faster! But...since you are such a good typist, it would be interesting to see if your hands would suddenly become painful if you started to type out your feelings!
TMS is so devious!
my mom, who died years ago, also used to say that she felt like she had been beaten up. She had a "burning" pain that never went away, among many other pains. She actually started going to a psycologist so so many years ago, but stopped because she said it didn't really help.
I know though, that she would have had to leave my father, as wonderful as he was, if she had continued. She liked him, but really did not love him. She did not want to be married to him. I do not think she could have faced that, and so felt that the therapy was the thing that didn't work. i think that if she had been able to admit it, she would have found a way to heal.
Sometimes the thing that can help us is so hard to deal with, that we think the therapy is at fault. Even if we think we know what the problem is, we might not quite have figured it out.
I think Sam the fish said it right with this line "though remember you need to eventually "resume all normal physical activity", including writing..."
Most of these "self help" books are not the answer.
YOU are the answer.
Sandy
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/19/2005 : 18:54:24
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Thank you, Sandy and Sam, for your replies. I have journaled before, with a pen and paper, but it seems that I am noticing a lot of thoughts coming into my head about things that happened in the past that apparently are not resolved (although I guess I thought they were). The thing I was thinking about the other day provoked such sad, painful feelings and I realize I need to address it and work on getting to the bottom of all that sadness. I tried to talk to my husband about it but he just didn't get it. It seems like nothing bothers him the way it does me. My poor body - clearly I have all these physical symptoms because of all the repressed emotions in my psyche that I have yet to truly deal with.
Laura
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chicago
85 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2005 : 08:54:46
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Hi Laura,
Sorry that you have to deal with all of this. I would say the important thing is to get out your feelings any way you can, writing, typing, or use a tape recorder. Whatever works. Try not to dwell on the writing. Perhaps that thought is a distraction.
Don |
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leegold
USA
66 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2005 : 09:42:18
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i agree w/ chicago. handwriting is 'old technology'. i believe putting thoughts down where you can work them through and later review them is what is important
Lee
"A tranquil heart is life to the body, but passion is rottenness to the bones"- Prov. 14:30 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2005 : 11:33:04
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Thanks, guys. Last night I had a good cry (unrelated to the repressed emotions I have yet to deal with) after arguing with my husband about something concerning our daughter. She wanted to go somewhere I and I thought it was okay but he didn't. He made some insulting comment to me and I went upstairs and sat down on the floor and cried like a baby. I started thinking of all the other stuff (from my youth) and I think I could have sat there and cried for hours. Then, my 13 year old came in and put her arms around me and told me she loved me and I cried some more. Seeing me all upset like that, she began to do things to try and make me laugh (that's her way) and before long I was laughing instead of crying (a good release nonetheless). I went to sleep shortly thereafter and had the best nights sleep that I've had in months (I've had bad insomnia for a few months). I actually slept for over nine hours and I feel like a new person.
I will sit down at my computer (preferably when everyone is out of the house) and start getting down to the nitty gritty of what emotions and thoughts I need to deal with. I think it's sort of a Pandora's Box - once I open it, look out!
Thank you everyone for your supportive words. I can always turn to you for help.
Laura
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2005 : 12:53:18
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Laura,
did your husband insult you in front of your child?
Sandy |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2005 : 16:06:05
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Sandy,
Well, actually yes, she did hear what he said. He has apologized (in front of my child as well), both last night and today. The thing is, I take my job as a mother very seriously. It's one of the things I think I do a pretty good job with. He allows our daughter to go all sorts of places in a big group of friends, but did not allow her to go to this place in question because he thinks "I've seen some shady looking people there before." I tried to point out to him that she's an 8th grader now, she was going to be with a group, and the people there are no different than the people who hang out in other places where we DO allow her to go (the movie theater at the mall on Friday evenings a couple times a month and a couple other places). So, he says to me "All these parents around here just have a lower standard than me and I guess you are going to start being like them." It cut me like a knife, because I know I am NOTHING like 99% of the mothers around here. We live in a very yuppie neighborhood, with most of the women running around with their plastic surgery (boob jobs, liposuction, you name it - very Beverly Hills-like). They are oblivious to most of what their kids do, and most of them act as if their children are indispensible - like if something happens to one of them they'll just have another to replace them. My children are my life - I am extremely conscientious of what they do, where they go, and with whom. Heck, I don't even allow my almost 16 year old to walk down the street alone to meet people because I've heard too many stories. What my husband said bothered me, but then, maybe also I was being a little overly senstive. I haven't slept well in months (although getting 9 hours of sleep last night was wonderful) and I just didn't feel like arguing and making a big deal out of this. He felt very strongly about NOT letting our daughter go so I went along with it and she stayed home. It's over now and we are having a nice weekend, with no feelings of hostility toward one another today, thankfully.
To be honest, I'm actually glad we didn't let her go. She wound up doing something today with another really nice friend and will hopefully have an equally good time.
Laura
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electraglideman
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2005 : 18:43:48
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Hello Laura,
I've been reading this forum for over a year now and it has been very helpful to me in dealing with my TMS. I particularly like reading your post because they are so articulate and informative. You have a talent for expressing your feelings. Your post have made me dig deeper into my unconscious and helped release some of my repressed anger, which is a good thing. I hope you continue to post on a regular basis.
I'm sorry your having a bad time with your TMS right now and hope you have a quick recovery.
About your husband, he is probably like most men, myself included, when we try to express an opinon it doesn't come out like we want it to. We don't know how to express ourselves as well as most women. I know I am constantly apologizing to my wife for some of the stupid things I've said. Well, any way I'm glad every thing turned out for the best in that situation.
Thanks for all the help you have given to me with your posts.
Have a nice weekend and God bless |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2005 : 21:16:59
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| Typing on a computer gives you the chance to edit which may not always be good. You should pay attention to what comes into your mind and then go back and read it later. This is what I have read from those professionals who recommend journaling. But each to their own I guess. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2005 : 23:55:29
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Laura,
Seems like you are at the cusp of something pretty big that is trying to come to the surface and get resolved. You've got the hallmark signs of increased symptoms.
One thing that has helped me a lot is visualization. I use sort of a modified Bradshaw visualization where I go back in time as an adult and find myself as a young child and go with the child and confront mom on how angry I am. This is very powerful for me and I often experience increased symptoms of fear when I get to the confrontation moment. It takes about 15 minutes.
Obviously your painful experience is different than mine but the idea of the visualization is the same. The adult getting the child is important because the child is scared and needs protection.
Anyway what helps me may not be relevent to you at all but there may be come aspects of it that may be useful to you.
Your post touched on an aspect of TMS that is really important and that is that it is very difficult sometimes to know when you have really fully dealt with a past memory. But you are on the hunt and you just need some time to yourself when nobody is around to distract you to focus on yourself.
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2005 : 07:27:15
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Laura,
I think if your husband felt so strongly about your daughter not going, he may have known something you didn't, or had something from his own past make him respond that way. Remember, he has a past too!
In my house if a parent feels strongly about something...we usually go with it. Gut feelings are very important. And you see that your daughter didn't just walk out...or act out.She may have agreed underneth it all. Who knows. Kids want to be protected...even if they deny it.
Believe me , my huband and I have disagreements, but we try to have them in private (it doesn't always work, but we never do a personal attack in front of the kids.) And children shouldn't be the ones to feel that they are here to soothe their parents and make their parents happy in these situations. it is a tremendous burden on them.
I also have a 16 year old girl...and this is a kid who rides the subways, and has friends all over the city...but 16 year olds are old enough to do things on their own (unless you know there is a danger. Letting go is very hard.
On the other hand, my daughter still has to be home by 10:00pm...sometimes 11:00, of course after dark we pick her and I am still calling her friends house to make sure the parents are home, after a certain time, but I do that less and less. There is only so much monitoring I can do as time goes on.
Laura, I have been in and out of therapy for 20 years. Mostly I am out. I'm no Woody Allen. But I have learned so much, and accomplished so much, and seen myself turn around from a pained sad, college drop out individual, to a person with a degree, my own business, and a pretty happy outlook on life. I am a totally different person than I was...and i am pain free.
I have to go to work now...yes I HATE working on Sunday, but you have really got to figure this out! You are a beautiful person, and you deserve everything!
Sandy |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2005 : 10:03:31
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Electraglideman,
Thank you very much for your kind words. It makes me very happy that anything I have written has helped you. You are very sweet.
Peter,
Thank you for your suggestion. I am going to journal every which way I can, I guess, whether it be some days on paper and others typewritten. I'll just have to see what works best, but I have a feeling as long as I'm doing it that's the main thing.
Miehnesor,
Thank you to you also. It is funny you mentioning visualization. I used to see a hypnotherapist who did something very similar with me as you were describing. She called it "Time Line Therapy" and after I would become hypnotized she would take me back to a time in my life where I was a small child experiencing some awful situation. I would visualize in my mind exactly what you describe and it was pretty amazing. Thanks for the terrific suggestion.
Sandy,
Yes, I agree that if my husband felt that strongly about it that maybe his "gut" was right. It all worked out in the end and I was actually glad she stayed home. You do make a good point about not talking about these things in front of the kids, forcing them to choose sides. This happens all the time in our home, mostly because the girls see my husband as a control freak, always having to have things his way. Last night, for example, we took my daughter and her friend to a concert in the park (every Saturday they have them during summer). At the end of the concert, my husband was just standing there talking to one of the other people we sat near about music (their guitars, how great the band was, and on and on...) I decided to go find a friend of ours, who called me on the cell phone and asked where we ended up sitting. She asks us to sit with her every week and my husband never wants to because he'd rather sit with the people from our temple. I always feel bad, so I wanted to go over and find her and talk for a few minutes. I told my husband "I'm going to go find Julie. I'll be back" and off I went, probably a few hundred yards away. Since she was very close to the stage, we walked over to get autographed photos of the band (they were really good, and cute too!) About 10 minutes later, my husband walks up and without saying hi to our other friend says (in an accusatory, curt fashion "Where were you??? I've been waiting for you for like 20 minutes." Now, it was 9:00 at night, not midnight or anything, but he's in this huge hurry to leave. AND, he's a musician himself so you would think he would be thrilled to be standing there talking to this band that he really liked. But, NO, we have to go because the boss says so. AND meanwhile, my poor daughter and her friends are standing there. They had met up with some other kids they knew from school and were having a great time when he announced "We have to go, NOW." It's like this everywhere we go. He demands that he's ready to leave and we all must obey. I just ended up leaving my poster there for the last guy to sign and asked my friend to give it to me later. Then, as we're walking to the car my daughter announces that she has bad blisters from her new shoes and that it's going to be difficult to hike the 1/2 mile to the car. He stops, lets out a huge sigh and drops the cooler on the ground. It's just not fun being anywhere around that man sometimes. I feel like everything must be done on his clock and the way he wants it, and the worst part IS the fact that the girls see it. When we got home, my friend called to say she had my autographed photos. She also told me they had some of the people come back for cocktails at her house and wondered if I'd like to come join them. My daughters were standing there, and said to me "Mom, you should go. Don't let Dad control you all the time." That really bothered me. I really don't want them growing up thinking that Mom is a pushover and lets Dad make every decision that is made. I knew last night that if I said I was going over there by myself (because there is no way he would want to go anyway so I wouldn't ask) he'd make some comment and not want me to go. I truly feel sometimes like I'm being smothered. There are so many things I DON'T do because I know he doesn't want to. And, if I go by myself (which is usually more fun anyway) he makes a big deal out of it and I am always watching my watch thinking I should get home. I feel sometimes like I have gotten lost here in this marriage. I feel like I put my feelings, my wishes, and my wants on hold to make him happy. Sometimes I think we are such opposites I am amazed that we are still married. The thing is, during the day I am the cook, the laundry washer, the housekeeper, the chauffeur, the accountant, the one who buys the groceries and stocks the fridge, etc., etc. I don't lead some crazy life where I'm running around meeting people for lunches or having get togethers. I am alone a lot. So, when there is an event to go to, sometimes I just NEED to get out and have some laughs with friends without feeling like I'm on the clock. I really don't think he gets that.
I do agree that the 16 year old can have more leeway - she's older and she's earned it. Our daughter has a curfew of 10:00 and occasionally it's 11:00, if she is at a friend's house, etc. Our 13 year old wants to do the same kinds of things as her sister does. The thing that my daughter wanted to do yesterday, though, we let her sister do at about the same age. All I'm saying is, I'm an extremely conscientous parent and would NEVER let my children purposely go out and put themselves in harms way. I am proud of the job I do as a mother and I know my husband feels I do a good job as well. It's just, sometimes he acts as if he's the only parent here and his view is the only one of importance. That really pisses me off!
Okay, I have vented and I feel better!
Laura
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2005 : 15:16:28
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Laura,
I am still at work. Waiting for my son to pick me up and take me home. But I cannot believe the things you wrote. Being treated this way...the way you describe it...IS abuse. You are a grown woman ( a child should to be treated with more respect) You are not here to be dragged around by your husbands demands.
you answered your own question about why you hurt. it is because you are feeling smothered...suffocated...by your husbands demands. No wonder you are dizzy...or in pain...you arn't getting the oxygen you need. To live.
You cannot even hang around your own friends. I do not want to upset you, but other couples do not behave this way. Other marrages are not like this...or shouldn't be.
You deserve more...and all of those goofy books with affirmations, and self improvement ideas...and meditation...won't do it. Only you can!
Excuse me if I am blunt. it just bothers me to see someone treated this way...and it sure as heck is bothering your kids. And it sure as heck is hurting you.
Sandy |
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2005 : 15:26:50
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Laura,
it is not your past that is bothering you, it is your present...And just like with your mom, you are being ignored. Your needs...what you need emotionally to be happy...are not seen by your husband.
He might love you very much, but he loves the you that he can control.
Sandy |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2005 : 19:10:29
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This string got loaded in a hurry.
About your first question,I don't think it really matters what therapeutic/cathartic type of methods you use As LONG as They WoRk!!
If typing works,that's fine.If it isn't,perhaps it's time to try another way.
..Now on the other parts of the string...
Your Husband's deal about wanting to sit with people from temple...that really bugs.I was raised in a mixed jewish/catholic Family.The Jews didn't think we were Jewish and ostracized us,but at school I was a "f_kin' Ju boy"......My house was swastika'd and star of David'ed up one night by some nice Catholic school boys.
Subsequently I HATE people who 'identify' with their religion.That doesn't mean people who are religious,or people pursuing a spiritual way of life,or even the religions themselves...just people who find their identity through their associations.It's on the same level as name dropping or being a groupie....
"Hey...me and YHWH were out at sky bar the other night and......"
i'm SO opposed to it,that I refused to list my painting biz in the church directory...I don't want people to hire me because we're of the same faith...I want people to hire me because I'm really good at what I do and do an excellent job.If I was a muslim,would that change how well I worked or my integrity??
Anyways..I LOVE when my wife goes and hangs out with other people.It's all over the bible,marriage counseling literature and John Grays book....seperation is what makes the time together so special.My wife goes out with the girls at a 10/1 ratio that I go out with the guys.Actually,I'm generally a loner,and my respite is just sitting in my room playing guitar,writing or watching stuff on eBay.
As far as your 'repressed' stuff.I don't think we really have access to it.I think the stuff you were digging out was that 'pre-conscious' stuff that Sarno sites Freud as distinguishing apart from the unconscious(repressed).I had one the other day....remembering the day my friend was killed when I was 14.....I'd LIKE to forget about it i.e. wipe my memory clear or find some sort of closure,but it still haunts me...maybe I have more writing to do about it.
Not playing on semantics(I respect you waaaaay to much for that) but I'm not sure we ever get down to the absolute rock bottom of our souls...or else none of us would recover.It's just the act of pretending we are that alleviates the symptoms.If posting here is what does it than keep at it.If it's not enough,try some of the other well known alternatives.
Keep on keepin on.
Baseball65 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2005 : 22:20:59
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Thanks, Baseball and Sandy. I will think about some of the things that you both said. It's been a long day and I'm really tired (a long day at the beach will do that to you). You both make some very good points. Again, thank you.
Laura
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 08:15:12
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I've just read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner - described in some of the blurb as "a book that will help women accept their anger and give them strength to do something constructive about it". It isn't as heavy going as it sounds but gives some insight on triangle situations in relationships eg husband / wife / child or mother / brother /sister and only cost 59 cents + postage from amazon.
Anne
Scottydog |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 10:44:08
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Sandy,
While I agree with much of what you said, I don't believe that the self-help book I'm reading is "goofy" in any way. I really think that one needs to work on themselves first and foremost and that is what this book is about. I find the daily meditation to be soothing and it is something I look forward to, not because it will help my marriage or change my husband or anyone else for that matter, but because it brings me inner peace. (I'm sure Dr. Sarno would agree that something as relaxing as meditation is a good thing.) The book I am reading (and recommended to folks on the forum) is a very self-empowering book. From the minute I opened it, I immediately felt like I had more of a sense of control over my life and what it holds in store for me (much the same as many of you felt when you read Dr. Sarno's book!) You would think with all that's happened to me in my life I would have a very cynical view about any of these books and whether they can help or not. But I don't.
I think instead of talking about this book and recommending it to everyone I'll just keep that to myself and do "the work." My belief is that you work on changing yourself first, and things around you will change. If the things around me don't change, then I will have no choice but to divorce my husband and be single again. Only time will tell.
Again, thank you for your input.
Laura
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 11:07:21
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I changed some of what I wrote...My feelings have changed a bit, so here is the revised edition.
Laura,
I am sorry if I made you mad or upset about what I said. I know those books are helpful to many, I do not mean to call them goofy. I just hate to see someone being so sad over things that can be changed. I think some of these books are crutches that can hold people back.
True, if you change, your husband will change too. He will have no choice. But he has sooo much changing to do! And of course, i wish you the best of luck. But If you come first, your kids will benifit, especially since they already do not like what they are seeing. It is good for them to see you as powerful and helping yourself. Then they can grow up and do the same. Now they see you being abused. You do not want them to think that that is ok.
It is hard to be quiet about this, but I will say no more if it bothers you. But please be good to yourself. Right now you are not being good to yourself, and your husband is really being very bad to you.
We all do what we need when we are ready, but get ready quickly, before you disappear.
Sandy |
Edited by - ssjs on 08/22/2005 14:32:09 |
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Digging up repressed emotions
