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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
 Posted - 07/21/2005 : 17:56:35
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Hi everyone,
I sort of feel like I'm beating a dead horse here by talking about issues with parents again but sadly I need to vent. This is the safest, best place I can think of to do that so here goes.
Lately, my TMS has been manifesting itself with insomnia, stomach problems, anxiety, and the usual dizziness, with a little low back pain and shoulder pain thrown in. I've literally felt like I've been beaten up, or perhaps beaten down. My mother was just released from the hospital after two weeks. She had emergency gall bladder surgery which was done laparoscopically (which in turn created a whole new array of problems for her). My mother had fluid in her lungs which needed to be drained, then fluid (bile and infection) in the liver, which needed to be drained, plus a high white blood cell count. Being the "good" daughter that I am, I called her faithfully three times per day, every day for the entire two weeks. I'd ask my father to speak with her and every time the answer was the same "she's too tired," even though I'd hear her talking up a storm in the background to the nurses and even though I know she talked to my father all the time. Her mouth wasn't broken, she just wouldn't talk to me. My sister even managed to talk to her a couple of times, just not me.
Two days ago my mother was released, even though my sis and I thought it was crazy to send a woman home from the hospital who still has fluid in both lungs and liver and a high white blood cell count (plus, they didn't send her home with a prescription for antibiotics - weird). Yesterday I didn't even bother to call because I am starting to feel like a nuisance. I keep hoping she'll WANT to talk to me or NEED to talk to me but she doesn't. Then, I spoke with my sister yesterday (this is my only sister, the very sister who Mom admitted years ago to me was her favorite between the two of us) and she told me she called my parents and that my Mom got on the phone and chatted with her for 45 minutes, giving her every boring detail of her hospital stay. My sister also mentioned how my Mom thanked her for all her love and concern and for the flowers and get well cards. Also, apparently my Mom was able to go on a two mile walk yesterday as well.
Today, I decided to call so waited for the perfect time, after lunch. I figured it wasn't too late at night, it wasn't too early in the morning, and it wasn't right at lunch time. My dad answered the phone and before I could say a word says "Your Mom is just too tired." It was weird. Then, before we hung up he says "The home health care people are coming to draw blood tomorrow so if we find anything out I'll call you." I said "Or, Dad, how about if you have Mom herself call me. I haven't talked to her in weeks." His response was "Oh, she's just too tired to talk. It really takes a lot out of her to talk on the phone." Freaking unbelievable!!!! The inner child in me is furious right now!!! I'm pissed off and I just don't even know what to do with my anger. Here I was calling my Mom three times a day, I sent her flowers (my sister and I shared the cost), I sent her get well cards, my kids sent her get well cards, I called my sister every day to keep her posted while she was at work as to what the situation was, AND I called my self-centered brother who lives 35 minutes away from Mom and Dad and told him he needed to go see his mother. AND SHE HAS NOTHING TO SAY TO ME?
How the heck do I let go of all this anger and steam??? I don't know what to do with it all. Writing is helping because I have to put it somewhere but I don't know how to move on and just realize that Mom has nothing to give me. She never has and she never will.
I keep thinking what would I do if I were a 73 year old woman laying in a hospital bed with all these problems. I would be so thrilled to hear my daughters' voices on the phone or to see them. It would absolutely make my day. Heck, my 15 year old asked me to go shopping with her today and I was jumping for joy. Do I just move on with my life and don't even bother to call my Mother anymore? That's what my husband says to do. He says to just forget about it and move on and be busy myself.
Any thoughts on how I should handle this? I derive such strength from the people on this forum. Thanks for listening.
Laura
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 07/21/2005 : 20:51:31
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Laura,
what horrible horrible pain for you. It almost made my cry reading your post. My mother and sister are very close. I have always been the "difficult" one.
I have been working on this anger and sadness in therapy, once a week. The best thing I have done is cry - and cry deeply and sometimes scream with anger. I let the emotions out. I feel let down as I was never really mothered. It is a disgusting disgrace and I did not deserve any of it. It has affected my life in terrible ways - terrible terrible pain.
As I have been going through this, I have been distancing myself from her. This has helped alot as it has allowed me to be angry without guilt - finally. I am sad but I am now seeing how absurd she is and I am moving in the direction of forgiveness - i am not there yet as I still need to sit in this anger. It has built up over many many years - stuck in my unconscious.
It is ok to distance yourself for a while - and really feel these emotions. This is why you have the phsyical pain - I would bet this is the source. You feel negated - as if you don't matter as a human being. You are an outsider to your family and it really really hurts. we all just want a mum to love us and call us special.
It is good you are writing here - now let yourself feel it. That is good too |
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ssjs
USA
147 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2005 : 06:24:39
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Laura,
It is all so sad!
When I saw you in the bat mitzvah pics, you looked so happy...too bad every day of life isn't a party (without the planning!)
I am sorry that your mom doesn't know how lucky she is to have a beautiful, intelligemt daughter who really wants to be with her...I guess though, that it is a hunger like food...a kid no matter how old...cannot live without it...and your mother is starving you for no reason but her own twisted ones.
I think your husband is right at this point. You wouldn't hang around any other person in this world who treated you this way...and a mom (or dad) is the person who can hurt you more than ANYONE.
Figure out a way to create some distance...easier said than done...but you seem so nice in your posts...and so hungry for your mommy (those words bring tears to my eyes...guess I am hungry too!)...
All of this stops you from being the person you can be.
On another note...I have a 16 year old daughter too! Maybe I should get a job at the mall...then I would see her all of the time! But do not worry...my 22 year old son seems to enjoy his time with me!
Sandy
Emotional abuse can be much worse than physical abuse...I remember thinking that if I wasn't being beaten up, and my physical needs were being met...that I had no right to complain! But as you say...you feel like you are being beaten up...and you are...emotionally...so your body is responding to that abuse...You are being beaten up. And you are feeling the pain.
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Edited by - ssjs on 07/22/2005 06:28:41 |
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2005 : 07:07:31
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Laura,
My heart goes out to you. My situation was more subtle where my mother favored my sister. I wanted her attention and just couldn't get it. As time went on and my sister and brothers had had enough, my mother has turned to me and you know what? I don't want it anymore. I finally got to a point where my emotions and intellect caught up to each other and said enough. I still speak to my mother but I have very little feeling for her. It is so much better than that roller coaster where she might throw a few crumbs one week and insult me the next. I had long ago tried to substitute my older sister for my mother and my sister is not available either. It is so sad that we try to get that love that we couldn't get as kids.
Here's the thing. If your mother got on the phone with you and talked for 45 minutes, you would be on a high just for her to deflate you the next day with another of her antics. You too would stay on that roller coaster of emotion. One therapist said to me, "you played the game and you lost". In other words stop trying to get your mother to change and to "love" you. She is never going to change and be the mother that you want. NEVER. She is not capable. This is very painful because there will be times that she will be kind and loving to you only to stab you another time.
It feels so much better this way to get off the ride. I don't expect anything and I'm not disappointed.
Michele
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Susie
USA
319 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2005 : 09:30:11
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| Laura, this relationship with your mother is not going to change as long as you continue with the same responses to her behavior. This isn't about you, it's about her and her treatment of you. The only thing you can control is your reactions. You will never change her, especially having the same pavlovian reactions to her stimulus. No one can push your buttons like your parents. They know right where they are and how to manipulate you if they want to. This dance between the two have you has been going on for a long time and you are the one that must stop it. I was the favored child of my mother and my sister was the mentally tortured one. My sister let mom make her crazy for years until she finally decided to break the cycle. She would call mom maybe once a week, make sure she had anything she needed, usually by messenger, and then stepped back and realized that this was about mom, not her. She loved mom but really didn't like her and I fully understand why. Back off a little. Let your parents know that you are there when they need you,( she will probably then say that you don't care and never call but that's just part of the game.) It is you that enables her to treat you this way. |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2005 : 10:08:26
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Laura,
I'm so sorry that you are having such an awful experience with your mom. There is nothing worse than having your own mother behave like that to you. Believe me I know what it is like and my heart goes out to you.
The thing is that the more you allow her to do this to do the more rotten your are going to feel. It will never end and how long can you go on having your soul destroyed like this. I bet if you had a friend who treated you the same way you would have long given up being friends with that person. With family it is more difficult but somewhere and at some time you have to say 'enough is enough'.
This along with some other things that you have mentioned in earlier posts is all taking a toll on your physical and mental health.
You should stop calling her now and wait till she calls you. I don't know your mom but if she is anything like mine then she is playing on your feelings for her. She knows exactly what she is doing to you and she knows how you feel. She has got you exactly where she wants you.
Stop calling her 3 times a day. If you really want to know how she is doing call your father up every 2 or three days and say 'dad, Im just calling to see how mom is doing'. If he says that she doesn't want to talk to you say 'It's alright, I don't want to disturb her, just wanted to check that she is OK'.
Like I mentioned before the problem does not lie with you it lies with her. You can't change anything until she wants to change things. Don't let her do this to you. Don't upset yourself and accept the situation for what it is and move on. Conserve your energy for yourself and your immediate family.
Take care
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2005 : 10:55:09
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In many relationships there is a balance of power. In a healthy relationship that balance is about equal, with both parties assuming greater or lesser power as the need arises. When one party is ill, the other becomes stronger. If one knows that the others is better at something than he/she is that person relinquishes power in a given situation.
But when a relationship is based on one party having power over the other at its core - then it can only mean unhappiness and worse for the other person. When a parent has conditioned their child to take on a role as an unimportant or lesser person it is very difficult - all but impossible - to get such a relationship into balance.
It seems to me, Laura (and here its very much a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Do you use that figure of speech in America? If not, it means what I'm saying here applies as much to my own situation as it does to yours), that to get any sort of relationship with your mother you need to alter the balance far more in your favour.
She knows that you will always call her, care about what happens to her and give her the love she really does not deserve as things stand at the moment. Probably the only way to get her to treat you decently is to let her know that you will always be there if she needs you, then keep your distance until she contacts you.
When she does contact you, if she tries to make you feel guilty for not calling her - just say that deep down she knows that's not true and refuse to continue that tone of discussion; because she does know that - make no mistake - she plays on it.
Easy to say, I know, far harder to stick to. But you deserve to put yourself first here - as things stand - you owe her nothing. She's using you. You'll probably never be able to work out why she does this. She won't know herself.
Take care of yourself (and I really mean you - yourself)
Anne
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2005 : 10:57:28
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Thank you everyone. Very good advice from all of you. My husband and I took a walk last night and were talking about it and he said the same things that all of you said - it's all a big game. My husband said "A lot of parents are a--holes, but I'd have to say yours take the prize. They really treat you like crap." He believes also that if I stop calling then it will be "how come you never call anymore" and they'll be telling my siblings how I don't care. It's a game I cannot win, unfortunately.
So, today I am taking my girls to a water park and this weekend I have some fun things planned. Next week we leave for vacation so, guess I'll just be too "busy" to call. I will check in once before we leave but that's about it.
All of you gave very accurate, sound advice and I must say, it's exactly what I needed to hear.
Once my girls start back to school I will be figuring out what it is I want to do - a career, a project, whatever it is - a passion in life that brings me joy. I want to do something that helps others and nourishes my soul. I will find that something and when I do I will be so fulfilled with whatever it is and with being a full time mother that I won't need to sit around thinking "Why doesn't Mom love me the way she ought to."
Thank you, everyone!
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2005 : 10:01:44
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Hi, everyone,
Yesterday when I returned from the water park there was a message from my Father giving me the lowdown on what the "home health care nurse" found yesterday (my Mother appears to be doing fine). Then, at the end of it he says "Hope you guys have a great vacation next week and we'll be talking to you." We don't leave for our vacation until next Thursday and yesterday was Friday so from where I'm standing it doesn't sound like Mom is planning to call for a chat any time soon. I will be busy with my girls, getting things ready to go and going to nail appointments, etc., so I will be busy enough. I may or may not decide to call before I leave but as it was suggested by so many of you, I'm going to stop playing Mom's game and get on with my own life. I know it's a game I'm never going to win anyway.
Laura
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2005 : 11:46:12
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You've likely spent your entire life trying to win your mother's approval, to no avail. You need to accept that you will never get what you are hoping for, and that this dysfunctional relationship is probably the #1 reason your personality has developed in such a way as to be prone to TMS.
How you deal with it is up to you, but you need to stop making your mother's approval so important in your life, and to realize that it is one of the root causes of why you are so hard on yourself.
Focus your energy instead on giving your own daughters the emotional freedom and support that you never received as a child, so they grow up right. Sounds like you're doing that just fine. That's what's important. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2005 : 12:34:11
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Thanks, Dave. You are absolutely right. I have spent my entire life doing just that. It's funny how old patterns are so hard to break, but I think I'm making great strides in doing so. For example, the other day I was walking through the store where I usually buy my Mom's favorite treat, Panda licorice. She loves this stuff and whenever I see it I think of her. I've been known to go to my local Trader Joes store and buy her boxes and boxes of this stuff, along with her favorite chocolate and other goodies she can only get when she comes here to visit. I almost started to grab some boxes of it again, out of force of habit (trying to please Mom) and then stopped myself and said "screw it" and left. I WILL NEVER WIN HER APPROVAL, no matter what I do, and facing this and realizing this is the best thing I could do for myself. All the free time spent trying to win Mom over can now be utilized doing more constructive things, like working on myself and making myself the best person I can be.
Funny thing is I had a dream this morning right before I woke up. In it, I was a teenager and I was telling my Mother that I wanted to go to Michigan State (her college). She was laughing at me and telling me how absurd that was because I wasn't smart enough. (Obviously, this thing with my Mother goes pretty deep). I think I had this dream because yesterday I was telling my daughter how she could be anything she wants to be if she sets her mind to it. She's always telling me how she can't do this or that and I'm always cheering her on. I told her "Imagine growing up with a mother who tells you 'You will never make it as a model, you're not pretty enough' which is what my mother told me. Or, a mother who when you tell her you think something is pretty tells you 'your taste is in your mouth.'" My daughter was shocked because she has never experienced anything remotely like that with me. I have always tried to be the kind of mother I needed to have but didn't get.
Well, our family is going to a picnic and concert in the park in a few hours so I must go start preparing food. I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend with my family.
Thank you for your supportive words, Dave! Have a great weekend!
Laura
Laura
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2005 : 12:36:13
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I don't know how I wrote my name three times but that's pretty funny.
Laura
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polly
127 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2005 : 07:07:54
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Laura,
I was thinking about this as I was sipping my morning dose of java.
I always thought that I would have made a great daughter. I didn't have anyone to be a daughter to. You would have been a great daughter too. Sometimes, you have to accept the reality and move on.
Last year my girlfriend was diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer. She's got a 15 yr. old daughter and her husband died 5 yrs. ago.
She had a double masectomy. Her mother, who lives in Flordia, didn't come to see her. She wanted to come up a week later, but my friend told her to go fly a kite. You see, she didn't go see her daughter who was scared, alone and had cancer because she had a wedding to go to in Florida. When asked why she didn't go up right away, she answered that she had a wedding to go to. Her real excuse was that she'd already bought the dress to wear to the function.
After a couple of weeks of nonsense excuses and calls, my friend told her mother to have a nice life (this is not an isolated instance with her) and to not call. My friend has been through chemo and is in the last stages of radiation treatment. It's been rough, but she's going to be fine...she has to. Her mental state is 10x better than it would have been if she hadn't cut her mother loose. She let it be her mother's problem, not hers.
We, her friends for 20+ yrs., had a phone chain going at all times through this. My friends physical pain has been minimal.
The most important thing that you or my friend or any of us can do is break the cycle. We can't stop the Mom's who hurt, we can only make sure we never do it their way. From your posts, I would give you an A+. When we end our pain, we can end our children's. That's how I think it should work.
Have a great day,
Polly |
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2005 : 08:26:25
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OMG Polly,
This is so similar to what my mother did to me. I had surgery in early January for one of the "few" conditions that is not TMS. I had cauda equina syndrome and was not able to walk. I had emergency surgery. I called my mother amongst others and told her that the prognosis was not great. I would wear a brace on my lower legs and not be able to walk very well. It could take a year for me to get back the nerves that were damaged. I was scared and my mother called and told me that she couldn't come(from Florida) to see me because she was going to the Bahamas(for the fifth or sixth time to gamble) the next week. Within a few days of the surgery, she told me she was going to NYC before her trip to the Bahamas because my sister was making a graduation party for my niece. Huh? I was floored. Here I can't stand, totally dependent for most of my needs, I don't know what is going to happen to me and she's is going to a party? My mother told me that she couldn't come see me in Boston because it was too cold. Of course NYC is so much warmer than Boston in January. Her next excuse was who was going to get her from the airport and where would she stay? Apparently, she has never heard of cabs or hotels. My sister is just as much to blame as she should have told my mother to see me. Fortunately, I have my aunt(my mother's sister) to talk to and that got me through.
My mother finally came to see me in May although I would have rather not have seen her at all. I had to drive her to the airport on her way back!
I rarely call her because I don't want to speak to her. All I can say is that if my daughter or son had even minor surgery, I would be with them in a flash. And I don't like to fly but that wouldn't stop me. I will never understand in a million years what my mother did. I brought it up to her later and she didn't think she did anything wrong!! She brought up all her silly excuses.
That was the final nail in the coffin, Laura.
By the way, I am doing very well and things went better than the doctors thought. I got back my ability to walk in a few months. I am doing everything I was doing before the "event". I am driving, carrying laundry up two flights of stairs-everything. I don't wear any braces or even use a cane. I am very lucky.
Michele |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2005 : 11:32:48
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Polly,
Your story made me cry so hard. Thank you for sharing it. Your friend sounds like a very strong person. Thank God she has friends like you. Nobody should have to go through that kind of pain on their own. It is very sad. How could any Mother in their right mind abandon their daughter like that? I cannot understand it. My daughter sprained a finger the other day at the water park and I keep checking on it to make sure she's okay. My daughter are my LIFE - if they were ever in any kind of pain or hurting in any way I would want to be with them.
Thank you for your kind words ("From your posts I would give you an A+.") You are very sweet.
I'm waking up every morning remembering dreams I'm having about my Mother. Every one of them have some sort of negative component to them. I guess I'm working things out while I sleep.
We leave for our family vacation in a few more days. I will not be calling my Dad before I leave. It is just not worth it. I just end up feeling bad when I hang up the phone. Sounds like Mom has everything under control anyway. I'm just trying to live my life and focus on my own family.
This morning I was laying in bed watching television (Animal Planet). They were telling this story of this poor girl who had polio when she was a child and was confined to a wheelchair, unable to walk or use her legs at all. She loved chihuahas and was always wanting to pet them but the people showing their dogs wouldn't let her. Except one. This one kind man had many chihuahuas that he showed at dog shows and one in particular was unable to complete any more. He gave this teenage girl his dog and she was so happy. This man was crying as he told the story. The girl's mother was crying (she appeared to be a very sweet, nurturing mother) too. The man who gave up his dog said "It just gave me such joy to make another human being happy." I thought to myself, "I need to go out and do something to help other people. That's it, I'm done talking about it." So, my purpose is to channel all this useless energy I'm wasting on Mom and trying to get Mom's attention and use it to make the world a better place. I don't know what my purpose is, but I know there is something out there that I can do to contribute to mankind and help other people. And that's exactly what I intend to do!
I hope you have a nice weekend. Thank you again.
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2005 : 11:54:32
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Michelle,
I am so sorry to hear about the pain you had to go through with your leg surgery. That had to be difficult. You sound very strong as well. Your mother sounds so much like mine. My mother is always full of excuses for everything too and she never thinks she's done anything wrong either. She's done so much crap to me over the years and those images are still very clear in my mind, unfortunately. It is just too difficult and painful to forget. I'm surprised they even made it out here for my daughter's bat mitzvah. I wasn't sure they were even going to come. You see, they play favorites and my younger daughter is NOT their favorite. They told our family one time (my daughters and myself) that of each family (my sister's, my brother's and mine) they have a favorite grandchild. My mother said "Of Kevin's (my brother) kids we like Jeremy the best, of Martha's (my sis) kids Ryan is our favorite, and between the two of you we like you both the same." Can you believe that? Did my kids need to hear that crap? When our older daughter, Danielle, had her bat mitzvah almost three years ago they didn't even think twice about coming out. Afterward, my mother kept going on and on about how amazing she did (I was shocked - her giving out compliments) and about how she was so impressed that someone could learn another language like that at 13. When it came time for our daughter Sarah to have hers, my parents weren't sure they would even make it out here. When they learned my sister was coming then my Mother decided they would come. Sarah did an equally amazing job - not one single mistake and a very long Torah portion - and my Mother barely said a word. This is so typical of my Mother.
My Mother and I had a blowout a few years ago and didn't speak for over a year. It didn't seem to even bother her. And the thing is, Dad goes along with all of it. He has no mind of his own. If I had not called them and tried to mend things, we would still not be speaking I know that. Everything is upto me. I have to do all the work. Well, rude awakening. I'm done doing the work. This latest thing has taught me a valuable lesson. Therefore, I will be focusing my attention elsewhere, trying to make the world a better place by finding some way I can help other people. I have to channel that energy somewhere else. It is my nature to want to help people and to care about others - Mom just doesn't need any of that from me. My daughters are at an age where they need me more than ever and I am here for them, 24/7. I love them more than anything in the world.
I am sorry for your pain, Michelle, and the pain of others who have posted about this. It is so sad. Last night I was at a concert and started thinking about it all and immediately got dizzy. Today I'm going to go spend the day at the beach with my family.
Have a nice weekend.
Laura
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Allan
USA
226 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2005 : 19:42:21
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Laura.
Suppose you stopped calling your mother and stopped trying to contact her, and your father for that matter. No telephone calls, no cards, no attempt at communication whatsoever.
Stop all such activity for at least a month or more.
What do you think would happen?
Allan. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2005 : 10:38:38
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Allan,
My guess is that they would not even notice and in a month from now when I finally would break down and call them they would act like nothing ever happened. They clearly DON'T GET IT!!! Like I said, they've done crap before that has made me decide to stop trying with them and stop communication and the last time this happened we didn't speak for over a year. Finally, I wound up calling them and tearfully asked if we could put the past behind us (this was three years ago, right before my oldest daughter was having her bat mitzvah.) I always have to be the "bigger person" with them.
I just don't get it at all. My mother and I haven't talked in about a month. She's been home now for over a week and every attempt at speaking with her has failed. I wonder, is she so stupid she just doesn't get what she's doing or does she purposely try to play this game with me, knowing full well how many times I've tried to contact her. It's almost as if she derives pleasure from making herself scarce. How could talking to one's own child be too "tiring" and yet a two mile walk is okay? The message my father left on Friday was all about how great she was feeling and how they had taken a long walk that day. Yet, she can't muster up the strength to talk to her child, the very child who showed concern and who was there for her throughout her entire hospital stay? What am I missing here?
I am very busy getting ready for our family vacation and then I'll be gone till next week. Once I'm back, I'll be getting my girls ready to go back to school (August 15th) and once they are back in school I'll be busy getting on with my life (hopefully some sort of job to better myself and the world around me). The ball is in her court. When she's finally "able" to pick up the phone and call me she can. Otherwise, I guess she won't get to talk to me. It's that simple.
Laura
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2005 : 10:56:50
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Laura,
You say "it's simple" but the tone of your message indicates it still eats away at you inside.
I know you can't turn off those feelings, just make sure you address them. The worst thing you can do is say to yourself "I don't care" when in fact you really do. You can't convince yourself not have certain feelings.
It's likely your mother treats you this way specifically to piss you off. For whatever reason, that's the kind of attention she craves from you. Unless you're misrepresenting things, it is sadistic and vindictive.
What would be your first topic of conversation if you did finally get to talk to her? Would you make it known that you were pissed off at her? Would you "scold" her for not making herself more available to you? Would you let her see that her treatment has stirred such negative feelings in you? If so, then maybe you're giving her exactly the attention she is looking for.
What if instead you were happy and jovial, as if this game was not being played. Diffuse her attempts to stir your anger by instead appearing perfectly content and happy. Just maybe you will blow her mind and things will change. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2005 : 11:22:34
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Dave,
Sadly, if I were to talk to my mother I would not say anything to her about this because we don't have the kind of relationship where I feel safe to do that. I would never dare to "scold" my mother for anything. I would, however, say that I've been trying to reach her and that I was worried about her throughout this whole ordeal.
I remember when I talked to Don Dubin, the psychologist recommended by Dr. Schechter. The one thing I did get out of our two or three conversations was that Dr. Dubin feels I have this empty "hole" that needs to be filled by my parents and they are never going to fill it. It is my job to fill it for myself. Dr. Dubin feels the dizziness (or headaches, or TMJ symptoms, or stomach problem - fill in the ailment of your choice) happens when I think about my parents and their lack of concern (i.e. filling the hole). This is why I'm trying to move on with my life and find something gratifying that I can do to help myself and to help other people. I am a nurturer by nature (say that ten times) and I have a strong desire to be needed and to try to help other people. I am definitely a "goodist." Calling the hospital 3 or 4 times a day and talking to the nurses and my Dad was important - I wanted to know how my Mother was and I was genuinely concerned. Part of me also felt guilty for not being right there in the hospital with her. But she is home now and appears to be doing quite well. I just need to move on now and live my life and when I speak to them I'll speak to them. It just cannot be a priority right now. I will NOT, however, feed into my mother's games by continuing to call or calling and telling her how much I'm hurt. That will not work for me.
My mother clearly plays games and she clearly plays favorites. That's her schtick. I will not stop being her daughter, but I will stop feeding into her need for attention. My job is done. I did what any normal, loving daughter would have done. I was worried, I was concerned, and I made every attempt to have a conversation with the woman. My attempts have failed and so now I will move on and utilize my energy elsewhere. I must say, not having to call Mom over and over all day long has freed up some extra time to do fun things with my kids. We went to the water park Friday, to a concert in the park Saturday, and to the beach yesterday. The family I had growing up was a dysfunctional nightmare. I think I'd rather spend my time nurturing the family I have now and continue to create the kind of home I wish I would have had as a kid.
Thank you for your comments and suggestions. You are very perceptive and I agree that appearing "content and happy" is probably the best thing I could do and that's what I intend to do.
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2005 : 13:49:00
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Well, no sooner did I write this last post and about an hour later my Dad calls. He says "I called you last Friday but you never called back." I said "Yes, Dad, you left a message and it sounded like everything was under control so I didn't call back." Then, he says "I thought you were on vacation right now. Why are you home?"
I said "Because, Dad, I'm not leaving until Thursday. Don't you remember, I told you that?" He goes on to tell me that Mom's "platelet count" is up now (he doesn't know what this means but is being told it's not good) and she needs to have a CAT scan done tomorrow. He also said "I thought maybe you could tell me what that means or that Bernie (my brother-in-law who is a medical doctor) could." I said "Dad, I'm not going to be the go between so if you want I will give you Bernie's phone number and you can speak to him yourself. That way, he can answer your questions directly." I gave him my brother-in-law's phone number and a moment later, he says "Your Mom is just too tired to talk to you right now. She's relaxing" (I wasn't going to ask - he just said it) and I said "That's fine, Dad, because I wasn't going to ask to talk to her. Keep me posted on her condition and I hope you get some answers tomorrow." I was very nice and polite, but didn't waste any time asking to talk to Mom. I told him I loved him, he said he loved me too and I hung up.
So, I have let my father know I'm here if he needs to call me and I'm hear to talk if he wants to talk, but I'm not playing the "can I please talk to Mom" game anymore. Mom has bigger problems than her elevated platelet count, unfortunately.
Again, thanks to all of you for your suggestions and comments. I am grateful for this forum and for all of you.
I'm off to go have lunch with my kids.
Laura
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Parent issues again
