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molomaf
119 Posts |
 Posted - 07/25/2005 : 14:51:16
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Laura,
Kudos! I hope you felt good after that conversation with your father!
You didn't get emotional and you didn't get angry!
Michele |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 07/28/2005 : 18:39:14
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Laura- Seems to me you are doing exactly the right thing wrt Dave's suggestions and your implementation.
There is one thing however which you might want to do in parallel and that is really work out your anger with your mother with a therapist. I know you haven't had luck with that in the past but perhaps you just haven't found the right person. Since you have major mother issues you may want to try what I'm trying which is to find a motherly type figure for a therapist - someone who you can feel safe really getting into and expressing your feelings. As Dave said you can't deny the feelings and even if you portray calm and detachment you still are probably seething inside.
It's awful that your parents treat you the way that they do and they probably will never change but that doesn't mean the child within you still wishes for and really wants that love and recognition.
The thing about these intense feelings is that they don't go away unless you connect with them and grieve them and they keep the TMS live and well. Grieving doesn't get rid of them but it takes the self destructive sting out of them and provides more lasting relief.
I liked what Suz said earlier in this thread. What do you think? |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2005 : 02:43:26
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Laura,
Well done on your recent approach towards handling your parents. I know it is hard for you especially as your mother is not well. The way you handled yourself with your dad over the phone was excellent. I hope that when you do finally get to talk to your mom that you will have sorted out your approach with her. Calm and dignified is the way to go from now on.
I agree with Dave that you need to be aware and try to resolve some of these issues but I also think that at some stage in life you need to let go when the problem is an unsolvable one. Mother daughter issues especially some of the stuff being mentioned on the forum are very hard to resolve. The 'mothers' here are hell bent on having their own way and the daughters spend their whole lives seeking their mothers approval. Mothers love this game and I don't see any reason why they should be allowed to continue with this kind of mental abuse which is exactly what it is. We should steer clear from any kind of abusive relationships to maintain our self esteem . We can't afford to be 'mommy's little girls' any more and our moms need to realise that if they want a relationship with us it has to be based on respect and mutual understanding. The frustration and rage that this inner child feels at being treated this way spills out into other areas of our lives and causes much damage physically an mentally not only to ourselves but other members of our family are affected too.
Chances are they will not change not that generation of moms anyway. WE need to distance ourselves for the sake of our own sanity and find suitable strategies to deal with the situation and in some cases altogether end the relationship.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2005 : 16:02:30
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Thanks for your suggestions, Mala and Miehnesor. I've been on vacation since last week and just got back today (Monday).
I still haven't talked to dear old Mom and as a matter-of-fact, getting away was the best thing in the world for me. I was focusing on it so much while I was at home but once our family got to our vacation destination, I was so preoccupied with how lovely the beach was and everything else around me that I seemed to forget all about the situation. Now I'm back home and I'm doing okay. I brought my cell phone and I told my father if he needed to get ahold of me for any reason he could call but he did not so I'm assuming my mother is doing fine. If I know my mother she's going to play the role for awhile longer and wait for me to call her. I'll probably give a call to my dad later in the week or on the weekend just to say hi and let him know I'm home, but I refuse to ask to talk to her anymore. I will not allow myself to feed into the "game" she likes to play.
Yes, I probably should find a therapist to talk to about this but I think I'm all talked out. I've talked to many therapists about my mother, which is where I believe the majority of my psychological stressors come from. She truly did a number on me. I just haven't had the best of luck in finding a therapist to talk to but who knows. Maybe that luck will change.
Ahh. Vacations are such bliss. I'm feeling very relaxed and I'm going to see how long I can stay that way! I did have quite a bit of dizziness on vacation, but that's a whole other topic of discussion.
Laura
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 15:30:44
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Well, it's been weeks and weeks and finally, I spoke to my mother today. My father called and told me they had just been to the doctor and everything is going well and then he says "Here, do you want to talk to your mother?" She gets on the phone and goes on and on for about 30 minutes about her hospital stay. I just let her go.
At one point in the conversation (or should I say monologue) I tried to interject something (like normal people do when they are having a conversation) and she says "Laura, are you there? I can't hear you." I said "Can you hear me now?" and she says "Oh, yeah. I hear you but I better go now." I never did get to finish what I was saying and then she proceeds to start yacking again for another 15 minutes about herself (does the diagnosis narcissitic personality disorder ring a bell?)
I had no expections during the conversation so that I didn't set myself up for being hurt. Just as we were winding the conversation down, she says "I better go now because I'm going to lose you. I just wanted to say thank you for all the cards and well wishes. I especially liked the card you sent to me with the lighthouse on it (she loves lighthouses)." I was shocked. She actually thanked me. Miracles do happen!
Laura
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 16:55:06
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Laura,
Don't get sucked in!
Michele |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2005 : 19:52:45
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Thanks, Michelle, I won't. Tigers NEVER change their stripes, that's for sure! She is who she is. I was shocked though to actually hear a thank you.
Laura
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electraglideman
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2005 : 09:57:01
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Laura,
Remember how your mother gave all of her attention to your sister? It probably made you want to talk to your mother even more to gain her attention and effection.
Just keep communicating with your parents through your dad. Never ask to speak to your mother. If she does call you be pleasant to her but let her do all the talking. Relay all important information through your dad. In other words play the game with her that she played with you and your sister.
I'll bet she will eventually want to talk to you more as time passes on. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2005 : 11:52:36
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quote:
Yes, I probably should find a therapist to talk to about this but I think I'm all talked out. I've talked to many therapists about my mother, which is where I believe the majority of my psychological stressors come from
Hi Laura.
I went back and read every single chapter of this...uh...exchange with your Mom.It's clear that you've isolated the problem,but it's still kind of floating around inside of you...the fact that you were so elated about her 'Thanks' is actually not necessarily good from a therapeutic standpoint...There is No such thing as a "well" person,but needing acknowledgement from clearly "not well' people is actually feeding the black wolf.
I'm close to invisible to my own Mom,but one of the things I did on my own to sort of cut the connection of anger,was do a Gestalt sort of "play" if you will of what I would say to her if I could say whatever I wanted with emotional and psychological impunity....not just write about it or discuss it,but actually talk to an imaginary "her" who was sitting there,healthy ,silent and attentive.
It's very therapeutic to act out these things...over and over again if necessary.Since it would be cruel to actually do them,and of course would set in motion more pain,it is a safe way to define our selves as a seperate entity from our thoughts.Just like most of us still suffered from symptoms AFTER we agreed with Sarno's approach,likewise a lot of us suffer from emotional tyranny long after we've intellectually processed the 'reasons' and justified our righteousness in feeling as such.
In fact,it wasn't until I did this that I could actually forgive my Mom for the way she 'checked out' for my entire childhood.It also keeps me from having more TMS outbreaks when she tries to drop guilt bombs on me from afar.
All a therapist does is ask you a bunch of questions....you mostly listen to yourself.If you ask the questions sincerely on your own,you can achieve the same results for a lot less time and money.
Just an Idea.
peace
Baseball65 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2005 : 19:28:17
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Thank you, Baseball, for your wonderful suggestions. I will definitely try that, especially in light of the fact that nearly every therapist I see seems worse off than me. You are absolutely right. I think ultimately it is upto me and nobody else. I need to listen to myself.
By the way, I know you are a Louise Hay fan but do you also enjoy reading the work of Dr. Wayne Dyer? I just bought his latest book "The Power of Intention" and so far it's a very interesting read. Check it out. I skipped forward to the chapter about healing - the chapter entitled "It is my intention to optimize my capacity to heal and be healed." Interesting stuff.
Thanks again for your input. It is greatly appreciated.
Laura
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Parent issues again
