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Steffi71
USA
7 Posts |
 Posted - 04/28/2016 : 13:40:57
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Hello,
Thanks so much to anyone who reads and replies to this post. I rarely post to this forum, but I really need some help, as I am beginning to have suicidal thoughts again because of the fear and pain. Note: I am not the laconic type...
I have worked a TMS program over the past five years to get rid of neck and shoulder pain successfully, but I have had chronic leg pain since I was eighteen, and nothing seems to make it go away. The symptoms are not always severe or even moderately painful, but there is always strange discomfort and a feeling of something being very structurally wrong with the leg. For example, if I am sitting on the floor and I straighten both legs, the left one feels immediately hyperextended, as if there is a brick sitting on top of the knee. There is also pain in the back of the knee. I also have buttock pain, as well as some “nerve-y” symptoms in the outer ankle and foot. The leg feels slightly weaker than the the right one and just in a constant state of tightness, as if there is a metal rod in it or something. I can stretch it and be active (yoga, running) without excruciating pain, but the problem is that it just constantly feels “off” and different from the right leg. The leg hurts too if I stretch it. The knee feels unstable. The sciatica nerve hurts. It’s like symptoms in every region! And it feels very structural. I had a knee MRI done way back in 2004, and that showed nothing. I was diagnosed with piriformis syndrome and did physical therapy before I discovered Sarno in 2010. I later had a low back MRI in 2011, and that was also clean as a whistle.
I have done tons of TMS work, with a therapist, with writing, with getting active again, with ignoring the pain. Much of the pain in other parts of the body lessoned or went away, like the neck pain especially. But the leg symptoms have never seemed to truly leave, and I am really struggling with believing that there is not something “wrong” with my leg. I admit I have a lot of fear.
Here’s why: When I was eighteen, (I’m 30 now) I was doing a very deep stretch after a run (my right leg pulled behind me nearly to my head) and heard something snap loudly in my left leg. I don’t remember there being a great amount of pain, and I never saw a doctor or anything for it. I don’t even think I told my parents. I just kept doing what I did, like dancing, yoga, and I remember there being discomfort but never excruciating pain. This happened around June 2003. Then in October, I began to notice the symptoms I described above, mostly a sharpness and tightness in the back of the leg and knee area and a discomfort when I tried to exercise. The leg just felt off. I did not have any low back pain yet. I ignored it for a long time, (was going through a whole bunch of other concerning stuff) until finally a few years later I began seeing doctors. I mentioned to them what I believed was a hamstring injury, but no doctor seemed concerned or like it needed any testing or imaging done. I am now afraid that I really damaged a muscle or ligament in the left leg and it was never properly diagnosed and treated. I am wondering If I may have even avulsed the hamstring from the bone in some area or had terrible ligament or tendon tears. It feels that way. I honestly don’t know, but I have a lot of fear that there is something forever wrong with the leg.
I admit fully that I fit the TMS type. I believe in TMS. I have done TMS work to get rid of other pain. I have read and re-read Sarno books and all the others. I have begun listening to his audiobooks, too. I am trying again from scratch, to see if I can be free from this once and for all. I don’t know if my reservations about the leg stuff is real or because my mind is being stubborn due to the fact that I once had a an injury there that I never treated. (I feel a lot of guilt about not addressing it “properly” when I was a teen.) Sarno says that leg pain comes from what is happening in low back and buttocks, but I had leg pain first, before I had any symptoms in the low back and buttock. I mean, I had this leg stuff from eighteen to twenty-two before it really started to bother me enough to finally seek doctors and get to the bottom of it. Again, it was never excruciating pain - more just discomfort and annoying and prevented me from exercising the way I did in high school. Granted, I was dealing with tons of trauma and addiction and never felt comfortable asking my parents for help. But I fear I have damaged my left leg to inalterably, and that TMS work is not going to address it. I know these are strong feelings. But after re-reading Sarno, I feel like this leg stuff doesn’t totally fit the typical TMS process. The injuries Sarno speaks of are ones in the back, no? Or am I reading it wrong? I feel discouraged because there is a part of me that totally believes in TMS and is willing to go to any lengths, and I just keep feeling discouraged in regards to the leg.
Can anyone relate to this? Does anyone have advice? Should I go back to a doctor to rule out any problems with the hamstring? I am desperate. I was very depressed and suicidal seven years ago because of the pain, but the past five years have been mostly positive as I rebuilt my life in many ways. And I learned to just live with the leg stuff and ignore it. I often did not have pain, but there were ALWAYS symptoms, if that makes sense. It has never felt right to straighten the leg while sitting or lying in bed. I do it anyway, but it often feels uncomfortable. It always feel heavy, tight, over-stretched, hyperextended feeling.
For some reason, it has come back with a vengeance, and I am filled with doubt and fear around it. I am also very angry that there are still such symptoms in my leg. I feel like it is my fault for being such a negligent teenager.
Anyway, there it is. Thank you so much for reading.
You can also email me at stephanie.ingraham@me.com |
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SteveO
USA
272 Posts |
Posted - 04/28/2016 : 14:30:09
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You raised about a dozen good points that would take a very long time to explain. But there are a few things that stand out.
On the last page of my first book, page 339, I wrote that TMS can be summed up in one word, "guilt." You keep mentioning how mad at yourself you are for not taking care of the old problem. But I suggest that your brain is using it to help you obsess on something. The old problem healed long ago. Your guilt is coming from elsewhere, and the innocent body is receiving the blame.
The second thing is the obsession itself. Remember the great words of Dr. Sarno that have changed the world, "As long as s(he) is preoccupied with what her body is doing, her symptoms will continue." You can't get rid of your sensations until you stop paying attention to them.
Third, it's important to note that your symptoms exist because of the dangerous thoughts, the dangerous thoughts are not there because of the symptoms. You have the cart pushing the horse.
There are many other things you bring up here that need to be taken one at a time. Bu if you need more help contact me. I'll try to get you going in the right direction. I'll try to help.
Rest easy,
Steve |
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Steffi71
USA
7 Posts |
Posted - 04/28/2016 : 14:36:10
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Thank you so much, SteveO. I think I actually sent you a message the other day, through this forum, but not sure if you got it. Where is the best way to contact you. I truly appreciate it.
quote:
Originally posted by SteveO
You raised about a dozen good points that would take a very long time to explain. But there are a few things that stand out.
On the last page of my first book, page 339, I wrote that TMS can be summed up in one word, "guilt." You keep mentioning how mad at yourself you are for not taking care of the old problem. But I suggest that your brain is using it to help you obsess on something. The old problem healed long ago. Your guilt is coming from elsewhere, and the innocent body is receiving the blame.
The second thing is the obsession itself. Remember the great words of Dr. Sarno that have changed the world, "As long as s(he) is preoccupied with what her body is doing, her symptoms will continue." You can't get rid of your sensations until you stop paying attention to them.
Third, it's important to note that your symptoms exist because of the dangerous thoughts, the dangerous thoughts are not there because of the symptoms. You have the cart pushing the horse.
There are many other things you bring up here that need to be taken one at a time. Bu if you need more help contact me. I'll try to get you going in the right direction. I'll try to help.
Rest easy,
Steve
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Desperate for help
