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Caroline
USA
55 Posts |
 Posted - 05/05/2005 : 14:43:47
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I thought I'd throw an idea out there and see if anyone relates:
I can actually trace the begining of my TMS symptoms to a time in my life when I started feeling that I had no particular aim in life. I read some diary entries I wrote about two years ago and discovered that I was feeling a lot of anxiety about my future, the meaning of life (what am I here for) and the inevitability of death. This also coincided with a decreasing level of interest for my job, which had been the center part of my life. I am now wondering if the lack of life goals precipitated some form of anxiety crisis that my subconscious decided to suppress and cover up with TMS.
I am not sure I am making much sense but every time I have had a bit of respite from TMS, one of my immediate thoughts has been "now what"? followed with the strange feeling of aimlessness and boredom.
Any thoughts on this anyone? Could TMS just be a result of depression? Is there a fear of living behind this? I just can't nail this strange feeling, they seem so diffuse yet dangerous enough to cause TMS... |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2005 : 14:54:02
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Wow, all I can say is "ditto!" I feel this way often, I was feeling that way back when I got TMS.
I would be quite interested to see how many people get TMS "attacks" in their late 20s/early 30s, after they've done everything they were supposed to do to be happy i.e. go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids...and then, realize they aren't happy.
Since I've gone back to school and hang out with the younger kids, I see this happening to so many people I know who are the same age I was when I got zapped by my "neck spasms." As they near graduation or graduate or get that first good job or try to have their first baby...and they wonder, is there a point to this? What is the point in general? Why am I here? etc.
I'd love to write more on this but must go... |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2005 : 15:47:55
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Caroline,
Ditto for me as well. When my dizziness started, I was feeling "all washed up" so to speak. I wanted a third child (have two daughters and wanted a son) but my husband did not. We had argued for so long I was finally beginning to give up. At the same time, I was just hitting my 40's and feeling like the best years of my life were behind me - sort of like "it's all downhill from here" type of mentality.
Great post!
Laura
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Caroline
USA
55 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2005 : 16:08:43
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quote:
Originally posted by Laura
Caroline,
At the same time, I was just hitting my 40's and feeling like the best years of my life were behind me - sort of like "it's all downhill from here" type of mentality.
Exactly! I feel I have had exactly the kind of life I envisioned for myself. I also married the kind of man I was looking for (no children but we both agreed it wasn't our thing), then I moved into a new career field which was a tremendous challenge, succeeded at that and then...it kind of petered out! Now I have a job many would envy and I just feel thoroughly bored. TMS (neck pain and headaches for me) has actually become a wonderful excuse to procrastinate!
What kills me is that my husband has all these interesting hobbies (wine, art collecting, baseball, classical music) and I feel like an idiot with no purpose. I can't drum up the courage to start an activity and when I do I just give up after a while (lately, learning Russian).
I know this just sounds like plain depression but then why the TMS? I have not been posting for long so I don't know if this type of question has been raised before. If it has, please let me know and I'll try to research old posts.
Thanks for your responses Logan and Laura! |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2005 : 17:45:03
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quote:
Originally posted by Caroline
I know this just sounds like plain depression but then why the TMS?
Depression is TMS. It is an equivalent symptom.
Low self-esteem is a big part of TMS. When you have no "aim" in life then deep down you are not feeling productive, not feeling good about yourself. On the surface you don't realize this because it is disguised by a "I just don't care" attitude. But that attitude itself stems from low self-esteem; it's a vicious cycle.
The question is ... why do you feel this way? Why does your life seem to lack purpose or aim? Why are you bored or lazy? Why do you lack conviction and desire? These are all symptoms of repressed rage ... all TMS equivalents.
If you can't break the cycle on your own, it may require professional therapy. I believe it often stems from fear of failure -- failing to live up to your own (unrealistic) expectations. It seems easier not to do something than to fail at doing it. But it's not. That attitude just takes its toll in the form of TMS symptoms. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2005 : 19:16:12
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Dave,
Couldn't agree with you more! On another note, I brought up an old post a few days ago called "So many symptoms." I was hoping you would read it because I need your no nonsense advice, which I have grown to appreciate very much! If you have a chance, please read what I wrote and if you want, you can even e-mail me back your advice. You seem to know Dr. Sarno's books inside and out, and although I've read them over and over again, I'd rather hear from you what you suggest. By the way, ever since I rode the stupid eliptical machine I've been feeling that "floaty" loss of balance feeling a lot. Also, had a friend call yesterday and tell me the horror story of her plane trip and cruise. She is a stress case and gets the same imbalance feeling too. (I recommended MBP to her last year and she is a TMS person if I ever met one). Hearing about her story just made my mind start thinking about it all over again (i.e. travel and getting dizzy). HELP!!!!!!!!! I need your wisdom and I need it now!!!!
Laura
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Fredarm57
USA
72 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2005 : 07:24:31
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| My story too. My first and most serious episode of TMS came when I was 32, working for a large law firm, hating it, and wondering "is this why I went to law school and worked so hard?" |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2005 : 09:50:21
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The TMS episode that 'took me out' came at age 32-3.I had finally worked my way up the 'food chain' at work,and was making big money working on feature Films and running my own crews.
I had SHOWN the world...I had come back from being a complete degenerate to being a Father of two boys,a husband to a Beautiful wife and a winner at work....I was the go-to guy at work,the guy who would do the best job the fastest.
Funny,I remember after my Back pain struck and I was off of work...I called over to Paramount Pictures to track down a friend..he told me there was a big blow up on the set of "Star Trek IV"...they had to re-do the entire main set because it was slapped together poorly and quickly.In all that pain,my only question was "They didn't have to re-do MY part of the ship,did they?"..."Of course not" answered my boss...even in the throes of agony ,I HAD to be conscientious about a business I COULDN'T care less about!!!!!
I HATE modern culture and all it's little trivialities....to me the evilest of the evil is the entertainment business,TV in particular,but crappy movies are high on the list.I had worked my way to the top of a field that deep down I felt was the most useless endeavor on the face of the earth.
I NEVER had an aim in life...I just sort of ended up where I was,decided to play 'normal-good-guy' and failed utterly....TMS reminded me who I really am.
Paradoxically,I am now broke,working part time making an eenth of my old salary and spend most of my time as Mr. Mom.....and have NO TMS to speak of.I coach Baseball,do laundry and household chores(poorly) and play guitar.....I live in a rural area and LOVE it!
Oh sure,i have all sorts of nagging guilt about NOT being superman,but than again,My wife and I fought ALWAYS back when we had all the money ,and we fight barely at all anymore.....
I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up,but it surely is NOTHING in the film/TV business.
peace
Baseball65 |
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Caroline
USA
55 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2005 : 10:02:26
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[quote I believe it often stems from fear of failure -- failing to live up to your own (unrealistic) expectations. It seems easier not to do something than to fail at doing it.
[/quote]
You hit the nail on the head, Dave. I have created a jail around myself, trying to maintain control of people and events (impossible), seeking absolute job safety (just as impossible) and avoiding any risk whatsoever(hence the boredom). This makes me think your fear of failure theory (make that fear of going broke, being abandoned and dying)is at the root of everything.
Any thoughts on how one learns to give up control? I know I know I should be talking to a psychologist but I saw one for years (for panic attacks and phobias) and I don't think it was worth the time or cost. I learned how to avoid a panic attack, that's about it. |
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Caroline
USA
55 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2005 : 12:08:32
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Hi baseball,
You have had such an interesting life! I have had some fun times in my career too but always seem to long for something else. I went from a somewhat glamorous job in the cosmetic industry to a career in international development: fascinating and challenging at first but now seems like a lot of BS. I am dying to change careers again but am petrified of starting the job search again.
I always think: if only I did not have this nagging pain, I could do so many things. I'd have energy and optimisim. Is this my subconscious trying to stop me? |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2005 : 13:07:53
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quote:
Originally posted by Caroline
I always think: if only I did not have this nagging pain, I could do so many things. I'd have energy and optimisim. Is this my subconscious trying to stop me?
Actually, it's you stopping yourself.
It's difficult but you have to try to change this to "I will have energy and optimism despite the pain" and "I will not let TMS stop me from doing those things."
There really is no magic bullet ... you just have to try to change your thought patterns gradually. Try to engage yourself in activities instead of pulling away because of one excuse or another. If you don't get as far as you'd hoped, don't let it get you down ... just try again tomorrow. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2005 : 13:11:24
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quote:
I always think: if only I did not have this nagging pain, I could do so many things. I'd have energy and optimisim. Is this my subconscious trying to stop me?
Hi Caroline.
I don't think our subconscious is an evil secret agent trying to subvert all of our dreams...it's more like luggage.It doesn't stop you from doing things,it just makes your dreams feel far away and unattainable.
I've found that my 'dreams' are always changing....my Mom used to tell me that life is something that happens while we're busy making other plans.I don't quantify things like that any more e.g. "I want to be ______" or "I need to get _____"...things are changing too fast and life is too short to waste it feeling bad.
I've had the great misfortune of reaching a bunch of my goals and realizing that I set them too low.I spent a lot of time planning how to succeed in the world to impress a bunch of people I don't like and couldn't care less about.
I used to want to be a Songwriter...than I found out that the music business dictates what kind of songs are chosen to be played on the air,make albums etc. I did NOT want to be an 'assembly line' writer,but wanted to be recognized as a creative person,to justify my reason for being on the planet.
After the depression wore off,I realized that I ALREADY am a songwriter...just not the one that THIS world is going to pay....see? The money and success I thought I wanted was only to impress other people with my 'achievements'
Too many of us associate our self worth with titles...ask any kid what he wants to be in life and he'll say a fireman,an artist,a policeman an architect.Ask any adult,and they'll usually refer to a financial state of affairs.
I don't want to be a fireman OR wealthy...I want have a sense of well being and understanding of where I fit in ....not too complicated or unattainable.
Your unconscious is what will eventually ALLOW you to find these things...it's already inside each and every one of us,hidden behind our 'ambitions'
peace
Baseball65 |
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wrldtrv
666 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2005 : 22:47:37
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| You really nailed it, Caroline, with your insight about the root of TMS. Though I've always been somewhat of a hypochondriac, my medical symptoms and fears really took off about 9 yrs ago after I took a buyout from a job and then drifted for the next several yrs between not working, working occasionally, and now, working fulltime, but still feeling anxious, depressed, bored, lonely, angry, and most of all sad at the waste of so much of my life to date. I went through bouts of tinnitus, TMJ, severe back pain, shoulder pain, and worst, a period when I was absolutely convinced I had MS because I had so many of the symptoms. The common thread through all of these is that no physical problem was ever detected and eventually all of these symptoms disappeared. I'm quite sure all of these were simply distractions to keep me from confronting how meaningless my life seemed. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2005 : 20:05:45
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Hi Caroline,
Good topic. I'm in the same boat at the moment, too. I've been at a job for the last couple years where I'm bored out of my mind, but need to stick it out until the job market turns around. My last 2 employers ran out of money and went out of business. I took a job at a larger company that has lots of job security but they havent got a clue how to do a job right the first time. I feel useless since I am not allowed to do a good job, they always want a cheap hack to get by.
Yes, I've been depressed about it a lot, but still get up every day and do the job. I have to actively try to seperate my successes from their failure so they dont drag me down. I sometimes fall into the trap where I think I'm in the wrong type of work and need to try something else. But the truth is I love what I do if I get to be the perfectionist that I am. I also sometimes have the feeling you mentioned about being afraid and feeling I just don't care any more.
Thanks, -Stryder |
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PatW
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2005 : 08:46:55
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I relate to this thread so much that I decided to post for the first time. I've had TMS for about 10 years. About 1997 someone gave me a Sarno book, but no miracle cure happened when I read it, and I put it aside and didn't believe it. My symptoms came and went until I retired and we moved from California to the Southeast. We rented for a year, then bought a house and settled in. We had to clean out my father-in-law's house in a neighboring state, and after that it was my intention to make a new life here. Well, when the house was cleaned out and sold, in that very month of being ready to start on my new life, I came down with plantar fasciitis that was bad enough that I was more or less housebound. That was a year ago, and I still have it plus a bunch of other stuff too. I absolutely think that I was, and still am, extremely anxious about my life, and that TMS is an effective albeit nasty distraction. I worked all my life and found work very meaningful, so now I feel at a loss for what to do. Have no kids, which is for the best, and have a wonderful husband, but my life seems frighteningly meaningless, and everything I think about doing just doesn't seem interesting.
The good news is that I have been reading two of Sarno's books for about a month. I read a chapter or two every day and pay attention carefully to what I read. I found this site about a month ago also, and it's helped me alot - you all are wonderful. I'm not so afraid of the pain now, and that has enabled me to concentrate on relaxing my legs and feet, which is finally helping my feet start to heal. I'm going to try a short swim tomorrow for the first time. Also last night in bed I yelled at my painful hips to stop hurting, and the pain stopped so that I could sleep. I can easily spend all my time thinking about the pain and worrying, but now I try to catch myself and think psychological.
Thanks for bringing up this topic. |
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Caroline
USA
55 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2005 : 11:46:09
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Very interesting posts! There are some clear commonalities there: early ambitions, the drive to achieve, career downturns or disillusionments, fear and boredom. I came up with a new theory that I think fits my own situation but some of you may relate as well. I think that I am subsconsciously torn between my desire to have a successful/meaningful/passionate life, and the urge to "play it safe". I was always an adventurous person but also an anxious one. I think that as I age, the fear (of failure, death, abandonment, whatever) becomes stronger and creates a huge conflict inside. I seem to remember that Sarno mentions conflict as being at the root of TMS: some dissonance between the way we see ourselves and the way we really are.
So, I think I am going to try a new approach with myself: conflict mitigation! I am going to try and focus on the contradictions and see if I can find a compromise.
Thank you all for those great responses. |
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Fear of life?
