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JaxCat
12 Posts |
 Posted - 08/16/2013 : 12:42:41
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As a lurker of this forum for the past 3 years I thought it was time to come forward and say hello. This forum has been a bit of a phychologic lifeline for me over the years and I wanted to say thank you to you all and finally become more of an active member. I feel as if I know many of you already, Ace, TT, Back2it, Eric, Shawn, Plum, etc. - I've read and reread many of your posts. You've helped and encouraged me in many ways and all deserve a most heart felt thank you.
I have had issues with anxiety/ TMS for about 15 years. It started when I was 22 with some serious hypochondria issues after my mothers death from lung cancer. I was an RN at the time working on a cancer unit. I was convinced I had lymphoma, lung ca, etc. That was until I started to develop low back pain. This then took it's place. I was evaluated by a neuro surgeon who after a brief look at my MRI was ready to cut out a mild herniation in my lumbar spine. I said go to hell. I didn't even know about Sarno yet.
Over the last 12 years or so I've been ailed with all sorts that, at the time, I thought was the was the worst possible thing in the world. GERD, floaters, abdo pain, a lump in my throat, knee pain, breathing problems. They all ran their course and eventurally went away. Just 2 years ago I was looking up pulmonary fibrosis and asbestosis and thinking that I was a goner. I guess the only one good thing about thinking you have a cancer or fatal disease is that if you go about living your life (as you do) and don't die, then it fades away and you feel better.
This as always been the case except for my back pain. It was in the lumbar region in my 2o's and now after I bought a house and had my second child, it move on up to my thorasic spine and neck. I remember the day I couldn't breath (for a month I was having anxiety about my breathing thinking pulmonary fibrosis) and I was using my peek flow meter (and hitting 550-600 every time!) my back tightened up so much I was hunched over for 3 days. That was about 2.5 years ago. It was that moment that my breathing all of a sudden was fine and my anxiety went to my back.
A work colleague recommended I see her chiropractor after seeing me at work all hunched over. I did and he recommended some xrays. I protested (I know that they ment nothing, I was a full beliver of Sarno at this time). He convinced me and did the x-. To this day I can't shake this works "you have quite advance degeneration to your neck and thorasic spine". That was it. I've been on downward spiral since.
My therapist who I was seeing for my breathing anxiety became my Sarno back therapist. Unfortunatley the talk therapy was not very useful. My NP put me on Lexipro which I took for about a year. It helped and for a period I was off this form looking for reassurance. Although the tightness, stiffness and sometimes pain was still there. I took myself off the Lexipro as I was optimistic that I was okay and didn't need a medication to cloud my brain as I did Ace's keys. I've been off all meds now for a good year. Unfortunately the muscles in my back and neck are tight and painful as ever. I know that I shouldn't but I've scoured the internet trying to convince myself that Sarno is right. Somewhere in the back of my mind I can't fully believe. Maybe it's because of my medical knowledge or my TMS tendency.
So here I am. A fully functioning TMS'er. I work 40 hours a week and can do most anything I want. I just have constant, unrelenting muscle pain and tightness. I can't stop thinking about it, worring about my posture, and looking at the curve of my spine. I recognise this obsessiveness but it is real hard to stop. Thank you Shawn for showing me Echart Tolle and Louise Hay. Your posts are so helpful. Ace - your keys will hopefully lead to my success story. Funny thing is about 6 months ago I felt like I could have written a success story (I was totally consumed in building a chicken coop). Then I relapsed. I've questioned if I should go back on some meds but thougth this would be the easy way out. Sometimes I feel like I'm just fooling myself with this whole TMS thing. But then I reflect on my past and it's makes total sense. For goodness sakes I ran 3 miles a couple days ago. And then went home and rolled on my tennis balls and hung upside down.
Thank you all for being here.
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gigalos
Netherlands
310 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2013 : 13:23:44
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Welcome Jaxcat!
Better late than never 
You have discovered, like I have and still do: if you live in the moment the symptoms are mostly gone (like building the chicken coop). I think this is an important key for improvement. Eckhard is really opening my eyes now.
Once you start obsessing one way or the other symptoms grow. I still struggle like this week starting work again, my neck tensed up as I saw myself fighting a computer :) Also once and a while I am analysing how not perfectly aligned I am and I can tell you that it doesn't help, on the contrary.
Reflect again and again, the evidence will start building that your symptoms are all originating from the mind and the ones that are not are aggravated by the mind. A healthy sore back from lifting stays sore instead of becoming okay in a couple of days.
again, welcome and hope you improve even more.
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2013 : 13:47:27
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Hello sweetheart,
Thank you for delurking and joining us in our wild healing dance. May your presence here yield insight and may you find belonging here. Outing oneself is ever a fragile endeavour, but the learning curve deepens in the doing, not the least because we give some of our life's invisible forces, a voice.
Darling, you were very young to lose your Mother, and possibly too tenderised from the perspective your work gave. I can see how this may have snowballed.
As for your thoracic spine and neck, if it helps mine is also this way. A mental image of dessicated coconut always comes to mind and this enables me to plump it out with creamy white milk. Coconuts are fleshy and the visualisation is nice. Honestly though, I don't fret about it at all. The tightness, stiffness and pain there is bad when I'm emotionally tangled and tense, it falls away when I'm peaceful.
I can feel it today as I had a rough few days but I don't dwell on it. Find hope in this. A few years ago it consumed me.
I would humbly suggest that:
You're not fooling yourself with tms, that's half the fun, doubt is weirdly addictive and part of the rhythm of healing. At some point you will give it the boot.
Leave meds alone.
Good posture comes with feeling good. Quit the worry.
Be happy your spine curves. You'd be ****** if it was straight.
I'll close now as my boy awakes. As for being here, it's a pleasure. Welcome to the forum. (you have chickens? A small dream of mine). |
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2013 : 17:05:59
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Hey, your experience with the chiropractor echoed mine. He told me that I had a "serious injury", because of a thoracic disc herniation, and that I would "never recover 100 percent.". He was wrong. I just woke up with a stiffness one morning and got afraid of it and then developed a fear of the fear, and cascaded into a mess. I had had no great trauma to my spine or shoulder or anything else, but what I did have was an overload of stress and learned behavior that was incorrect since childhood.
This is why chiropractors should be stripped of the title of "doctor". Of course, I had regular doctors telling me the same damned thing. My own PCP condemned me to a life of pain until I made him read CLOSLY AND CAREFULLY the transcript from the MRI, and then he agreed that the dx did not make sense.
Think of the examples Dr. Sarno gives of old people all bent over, yet free from pain. Now think of your situation. You have accepted it in your head, but with something new, and not as well documented as the old L-5 herniation, you are having trouble accepting in in your heart.
I do sound like a broken record, but read Balto's cure, read Hillbilly's. To really understand underlying causes of TMS/anxiety, besides overcoming the fear of the symptoms and resuming activity, I do think a read of "Mental Health Through Will Training," will help. ACE incorporates a lot that into his Keys, but this book will explain a lot about "nervous illness" and why it happens and how people get well and how they sabotage themselves. But...the book makes clear that you may be "helpless", or feel that way, but not "hopeless". He does not go into great detail over physical symptoms, but he does ironically cover breathing problems, or, Dr. Low called it some sixty years ago, "air gulping" or something like that.
Believe. Your body emotionally needs to come into balance and then the physical will heal. But you know that.
"Bridges Freeze Before Roads" |
Edited by - Back2-It on 08/16/2013 17:10:58 |
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JaxCat
12 Posts |
Posted - 08/18/2013 : 17:47:46
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Thank you everyone for you soothing words. I'm glad you guys and gals stay on this site to cheer us struggles on! Funny thing, Back2-it - I remember reading your threads years ago and seeing my self your struggle. I remember rooting for you and your success story and remember the day when I read (I think it took two sittings!).
I've been learning to refrain from labeling pain or placing judgement on certain physical feelings. I've found that when I feel a symptom come into my mind and I place a judgement on it or label it an emotional response quickly follows. It's this emotional response that I hate the most. It's utterly depressing and then I start thinking in the future. I'm starting to get a grasp of what Tolle is talking about.
Feel it, don't judge it, don't label it and let it float through and stay present.
6 eggs from those chickens today - one was a double yolker too
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 08/18/2013 : 21:50:02
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quote:
Originally posted by JaxCat
Thank you everyone for you soothing words. I'm glad you guys and gals stay on this site to cheer us struggles on! Funny thing, Back2-it - I remember reading your threads years ago and seeing my self your struggle. I remember rooting for you and your success story and remember the day when I read (I think it took two sittings!).
I've been learning to refrain from labeling pain or placing judgement on certain physical feelings. I've found that when I feel a symptom come into my mind and I place a judgement on it or label it an emotional response quickly follows. It's this emotional response that I hate the most. It's utterly depressing and then I start thinking in the future. I'm starting to get a grasp of what Tolle is talking about.
Feel it, don't judge it, don't label it and let it float through and stay present.
6 eggs from those chickens today - one was a double yolker too
Nothing like fresh eggs. No yoke.
I was a little long winded on the success thing, but it really just tells my story.
For the "Best of Success", it's Hillbilly and Balto and a guy called HellNY.
Honestly, a good study of "Mental Health Through Will-Training" will set your thoughts right once and for all. As Hillbilly said, he was a person with a broken will and cowardice. Me too. Dr. Sarno, I understand, cut you no slack if you were his actual patient, and Dr. Low will tell you the same thing, but explains really who you are.
My best to you.
You will get there.
"Bridges Freeze Before Roads" |
Edited by - Back2-It on 08/18/2013 21:51:05 |
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balto
839 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2013 : 09:34:22
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quote:
Originally posted by JaxCat
Thank you everyone for you soothing words. I'm glad you guys and gals stay on this site to cheer us struggles on! Funny thing, Back2-it - I remember reading your threads years ago and seeing my self your struggle. I remember rooting for you and your success story and remember the day when I read (I think it took two sittings!).
I've been learning to refrain from labeling pain or placing judgement on certain physical feelings. I've found that when I feel a symptom come into my mind and I place a judgement on it or label it an emotional response quickly follows. It's this emotional response that I hate the most. It's utterly depressing and then I start thinking in the future. I'm starting to get a grasp of what Tolle is talking about.
Feel it, don't judge it, don't label it and let it float through and stay present.
6 eggs from those chickens today - one was a double yolker too
JaxCat, make sure your "present" is full of fun, doing the things you like to do, get involve, focus, focus, and more focus into the positive. Make a plan for all your activities for the day and make sure they are fill with as much of the thing you would like to do as possible. You need to break the cycle of negative thoughts. You need to educate yourself to not believe in those negative thoughts and to gently and peacefully shift your thinking to something else as soon as those thoughts appear.
When you no longer fear the symptoms, when you no longer fear the future, is when you're "cure".
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No, I don't know everything. I'm just here to share my experience. |
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A lurker comes forward
