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indiana
Denmark
70 Posts |
 Posted - 06/24/2013 : 03:45:45
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I have exactly the same problem as dgreen97 (Dealing with little things that irritate you) but I did not want to steal his threat.
I don't know how to deal with being angry all day at everything both situations and people. It has even become worse since I am journaling and remembering situations and episodes from my childhood which made me cry and extremely mad and which I think are the cause of my unconscious anger. How long should I concentrate on those? They seem to stir up my conscious anger. I am angry at things that should not matter in everyday life and which do not (I realise afterwards) but when I am in the situation I am not capable of thinking first before I speak or just thinking negatively instead of just letting it go and then I get angry at myself when I should be good with myself and feel such a b......When I am a bit calmer than at present (waiting for a doctors appointment) there have been times where I could go back to my childhood and knew exactly where my anger was coming from and I could clearly see the pattern in my behaviour. At this moment when I am asking myself why I am angry it is because of fear. Should I go all the way back to my inner child every time I have this sensation in my body (which is often)? I would prefer to just say it is all psychological and not thinking and analysing so much but the anger keeps popping up anyway.
Impatience is another big thing I am struggling with and I suppose it is connected with the anger.
I am getting better at seeing through goodist behaviour in myself and others and better at saying no (without feeling guilt) and I am glad I can do it. But the anger thing really bothers me and I do not seem to get anywhere. Can Ace or anybody once more explain to me the connections? I read the keys often but I have to be in a calm state of mind (to get something out of it)which is not so often lately. |
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 05:27:33
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quote:
Originally posted by indiana
I have exactly the same problem as dgreen97 (Dealing with little things that irritate you) but I did not want to steal his threat.
I don't know how to deal with being angry all day at everything both situations and people. It has even become worse since I am journaling and remembering situations and episodes from my childhood which made me cry and extremely mad and which I think are the cause of my unconscious anger. How long should I concentrate on those? They seem to stir up my conscious anger. I am angry at things that should not matter in everyday life and which do not (I realise afterwards) but when I am in the situation I am not capable of thinking first before I speak or just thinking negatively instead of just letting it go and then I get angry at myself when I should be good with myself and feel such a b......When I am a bit calmer than at present (waiting for a doctors appointment) there have been times where I could go back to my childhood and knew exactly where my anger was coming from and I could clearly see the pattern in my behaviour. At this moment when I am asking myself why I am angry it is because of fear. Should I go all the way back to my inner child every time I have this sensation in my body (which is often)? I would prefer to just say it is all psychological and not thinking and analysing so much but the anger keeps popping up anyway.
Impatience is another big thing I am struggling with and I suppose it is connected with the anger.
I am getting better at seeing through goodist behaviour in myself and others and better at saying no (without feeling guilt) and I am glad I can do it. But the anger thing really bothers me and I do not seem to get anywhere. Can Ace or anybody once more explain to me the connections? I read the keys often but I have to be in a calm state of mind (to get something out of it)which is not so often lately.
It is just my opinion, but when one dwells on the past it is re-created in the present. The past is gone. Recognize faulty behavior from reactions to negative things that you may have done in the past, and use those new tools/methods --calmness, presence of moment-- to create the new you. Habits die hard, and it takes time. Don't test yourself with this or that situation. If you react badly (in your mind) to one thing that is happening, do not beat yourself up; it is not a test, or should not be. Think of your new behavior as an athlete would think of a new technique: it is not likely to be perfect out of the box. She must practice, practice, practice. Practice mindfulness and calmness and the old fashioned method of counting to 10 before saying anything. Try the 10 count even when applied to engaging thought and emotion. Do this physically by taking three long deep breaths, which should be enough time to return you to the present and out of the negative charged past and far from the future land of "What if".
It is also my opinion that the past is the past, and to constantly roil it back to the surface, just serves to create emotions that will interrupt attempts at peace and calm throughout the day. Let it go. It is done. Recognize it, acknowledge it, but move in the moment and focus on positive, constructive things to think and do. It is only with rare exception that we have to dig around in the tar pits of the past to find the fossilized emotion that we think might be the cause of our current stress. Holocaust and Hiroshima survivors, most, lived lives free of pain, because they focused on the task at hand. Just my thoughts.
"Bridges Freeze Before Roads" |
Edited by - Back2-It on 06/24/2013 05:48:14 |
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indiana
Denmark
70 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 06:47:39
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Thank you Back2-it for your thoughts (as always very helpful) and for taking the time to (once more) reply to a confused newbie.
I have just read your success story again.
As I understand it I don't have to dig around in my unconscious rage from childhood to get better. There are other ways.
Marlis |
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1koolkat
USA
24 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 15:15:49
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Indiana, I hear you're having a great deal of trouble dealing with all the situations in which anger arises during the day. And all the incindiaries of anger that lurk under it. I understand what you're saying because I have been there. Still am, sometimes. Like today.
I used a book by Michael Brown called "The Presence Process" which helped me greatly for about 6 years in my first marriage. I've heard it mentioned on this board. I was able to connect the anger dots when those feelings arose in connection with my parents. Now, I use a book by Karla McLaren called, "The Language of Emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you." As AA'ers say, it works when you work it. I have found my emotions and a way to work with them. This book has been a godsend.
In my opinion, you don't have to dig at all in the past to find anger or any emotions. Truly, the past is the past and can safely be that. But just wait until there's a situation where you don't get what you want, and all the food for thought you need will arrive in one big stinky pile! What to do with it? Turn to the chapter on anger and it's practice and DO what she says to do, each time it arises until you feel complete (doesn't take all that long but should be done in private), and you will feel stronger incrementally. And as Chickenbone once told me: accept your symptoms. I've noticed I need to accept my emotions as they arise too. Please don't make the mistakes I've made with anger in dishonoring yourself and others by raking others with the anger claws. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Kat |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 16:21:03
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Indi,
I'll give you the short version
- accept yourself, the way you are and stop making yourself wrong. You are perfect the way you are, you just have a HABIT that doesn't support you.
- Anger is an addiction....all emotion is an addiction. Go and watch "what the bleep do we know"
- Ask yourself why something pisses you off......keep asking until you get to the REAL reason, which will ultimately be a selfish one. That awareness might allow you to be more accepting
- Let go of controlling the outside world.....it is what it is.....SO ALLOW IT. If something is bothering you, take action anger is pointless.
D |
Edited by - Darko on 06/24/2013 16:21:39 |
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chickenbone
Panama
398 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 18:29:41
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1koolkat, I am so happy to hear that you are doing so well. I had and still have a great deal of trouble with anger. I realized that I was shaped by my past experiences and that was why I react the way I do in the present. The answer, for me, was not to try to drop being angry or fearful or trying to change myself to not care about the stuff going on in the world that I don't like. In fact, I don't work on emotions at all. I work only on the underlying physical sensations. Sometimes this leads to the realization of emotions and sometimes not.
What I did find to be really helpful and healing was the somatic experiencing that I have been doing. I have had really good results with it. I concentrate on the physical sensations in my body whenever I feel distressed, giving them my full attention, with an attitude of friendliness and curiosity. I concentrate hard on them. Then I let the sensations of pain, discomfort, heat, panic or whatever flow willingly through my body. I try to get a handle on the nature of it and the story it has to tell. Then I gently challenge it to get worse and worse, give me all it's got. What always happens is that it gets worse for a few minutes and then it slowly goes away. I am able now to get rid of almost any pain or discomfort this way, at times temporarily. But when it comes back, if it comes back, it is not nearly as bad. I am so grateful to Claire Weekes and Peter Levine. I am also so grateful for the other somatic experiencers on the Tmswiki site. |
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Peregrinus
250 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 19:17:49
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At the risk of repeating myself I offer the following four vignettes from TMS Land.
John is driving on a busy street and another car appears on a cross street where there is a stop sign and without stopping pulls out in front of John causing him to break hard and skid to a stop on the side of the street. John hits his horn and yells an obscenity. He wants to rip the other driver’s throat out.
Janice considers herself a warrior against global warming (climate change if it isn’t actually warming). While waiting in line at the supermarket the man in front of her who is looking at a magazine disgustedly says to her “They want us to pay more for gas because of the polar bears. The only polar bear I’ve ever seen was in the zoo!” Janice can’t believe what see heard and is tempted to call the guy an ignorant lout. She turns away seething to enter another line.
Bill, a born again Christian, meets Claudia an old friend who starts telling him about her now adult adopted daughter who is pregnant with her third child and with no means of support and no husband. Claudia tells him in a confidential tone that she thinks her daughter is going to have an abortion. Bill says “You know its murder…you should cut her off from your life if she goes through with it.”
Hillary gets into her car to drive to work. The battery is dead and she flies into a rage saying “I shouldn’t have to put up with this s__t. I have important things to do. My time is too precious to spend fooling around with a crappy car. I should be able to afford a good car.”
To John, Janice, Bill, and Hillary I would say “Who do you think you are? You are only a bird terd on the log of life whose short time on this earth will be completely and utterly forgotten. You are not someone who can escape the consequences of your actions or to tell others how to think or how to act or how to live. Look in a mirror and get real!” All four are plagued by false identities and because of this all four are stressed by everyday events or by the common words and actions of others. All four are good TMS candidates.
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indiana
Denmark
70 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2013 : 23:57:17
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quote:
Originally posted by 1koolkat
Indiana, I hear you're having a great deal of trouble dealing with all the situations in which anger arises during the day. And all the incindiaries of anger that lurk under it. I understand what you're saying because I have been there. Still am, sometimes. Like today.
I used a book by Michael Brown called "The Presence Process" which helped me greatly for about 6 years in my first marriage. I've heard it mentioned on this board. I was able to connect the anger dots when those feelings arose in connection with my parents. Now, I use a book by Karla McLaren called, "The Language of Emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you." As AA'ers say, it works when you work it. I have found my emotions and a way to work with them. This book has been a godsend.
In my opinion, you don't have to dig at all in the past to find anger or any emotions. Truly, the past is the past and can safely be that. But just wait until there's a situation where you don't get what you want, and all the food for thought you need will arrive in one big stinky pile! What to do with it? Turn to the chapter on anger and it's practice and DO what she says to do, each time it arises until you feel complete (doesn't take all that long but should be done in private), and you will feel stronger incrementally. And as Chickenbone once told me: accept your symptoms. I've noticed I need to accept my emotions as they arise too. Please don't make the mistakes I've made with anger in dishonoring yourself and others by raking others with the anger claws. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Kat
Thanks 1koolkat for good advice and book suggestions.
I wish you the best
Marlis |
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1koolkat
USA
24 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2013 : 02:40:03
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Thank you, Chickenbone - I will use this. It really resonates with me.
Thank you, Darko. (Emotion) Anger is an addiction. That really twists my head around. I'll be considering this as well.
Kat |
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chickenbone
Panama
398 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2013 : 10:28:44
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| peregrinis, good post. I already know that no one cares if I am angry. But, you know what, I don't care that they don't care! It makes me feel good to get angry once in a while and that is all that matters. |
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Anger and irritation
