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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
 Posted - 05/08/2013 : 16:54:05
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I listened to an interview with James Pennebaker this evening. For those unfamiliar with his name and his work, he's considered the Father of journaling due to his research that pioneered the healing powers of writing, particularly about our deepest self and truths.
He observed that the key element underlying ill health was the holding of secrets, especially those surrounding sexual trauma.
This afternoon I heard that a spiritual teacher I had once followed passionately, had died last week. I felt a mixture of sadness and nothing. Recent years had seen me pull back from him and the spiritual world in general when revelations and realisations of how cult like it had become became apparent. This caused a fracture with a good friend who allowed themselves to be sucked in and enmeshed in a web they were blind to. It is only in the last few weeks we have tentatively made contact and dusted off our close friendship. Wary I am.
So, secrets then and how all this relates.
Aside from a handful of folk including above mentioned friend, no one knows this. No one bar Dr. James, who has been golden. More anon.
When I was 14, I was sexually abused by a family friend. He was a hypnotist and healer, and he used his skills to the max in his manipulations of me. I wasn't the only one. This I learned a few years ago when his arrest and trial made the front page. Despite some encouragement I refused to contact the police to add my testimony to those already brave souls. He is an old man now and he will die in prison. I feel nothing about this or about him.
One thing troubled me for years.
I have few memories of what he did and no memory at all of how I lost my virginity. I did see a couple of therapists but they were so wholly inadequate and out of their depth that I am done with therapy. Thank God for James who explained the nature of dissociation for me, in this regard.
So tonight I am posting late at night, and feeling more than a touch confused and emotionally discombobulated. I'm not asking for answers or advice. I simply want to free myself of this repulsive secret, and to feel held in the safe hands of my friends here. And now I will post before my courage fails. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2013 : 17:42:49
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Thank you for sharing, plum..I am sorry you went through that and I do understand..You have opened my eyes to look within at my secrets from long ago..I was also sexually abused when I was very young..around 8..It was by a neighbor 9 yrs older..At the time, it wasn't a big deal (or so I thought) and there was no penetration..just inappropriate touching..But I suppose it had it's affect on me and still does..Didn't realize that something like this could be behind getting TMS to start up again..I realize we never wrote b4..but I wanted you to know that I understand and my heart goes out to you..
Karen |
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eric watson
USA
601 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2013 : 18:28:24
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plum- your awesome for standing up and saying it loud
your a hero to so many that need a
front runner to release their trauma
thanks plum you have come so far
you truly are a bright sky on the horizon
god bless |
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chickenbone
Panama
398 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2013 : 21:17:27
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Hi Plum,
It took a lot of courage to tell us about that. But remember, you are in a safe place. I am so proud of you that you were able to share that. I had dissociated a lot of my early childhood and even some early adulthood events. I really feel that the beginning of true healing happens when you can begin to share this stuff. Once you can do that, of course only with supportive people, it shows that you are fully integrating these experiences into consciousness and accepting yourself, all of yourself, including experiences that once made us feel like damaged goods. Once we can begin to share, it shows that we accept these experiences as only "life experiences" and not incidents of which we need to be ashamed. We know that we have come to accept all of ourselves when we expect others to accept us fully. We can begin to be actually proud of ourselves to have gone through what others cannot even conceive and ended up a much more enlightened being. We are special in that regard.
I am now able to remember traumatic events almost completely without becoming further traumatized and without really bad emotion. I am now working on the "bracing" that would occur in my body every time I thought of these incidents or if some unconscious trigger would evoke the feeling associated with them. I believe that it was this constant "bracing" and "constriction" in my body that was causing my pain and bad emotions. I am learning how to identify these long repressed bodily sensations and attend to them , even if it means just giving them my full conscious awareness. It is a slow process, but it is definitely paying off.
You are on your way, Plum, keep up the good work!
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gigalos
Netherlands
310 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 03:45:16
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Thank you so much for this post Plum. I am a bit lost for words...
As singer mentions, I was abused when I was around 7 years old by an older guy asking for directions. He lured me, sat on top of me so I couldn't get away and showed me his goods, but didn't take it any further as I kept fighting and he left as if nothing had happened. It feels like a complete abuse of the trust you have as a child in others. I have talked about it with my psychologist but failed to really connect it to the tms or how it changed me... Your post encourages me to investigate further..
big hug |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 04:21:34
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Hi Karen, thanks for responding. I've been reading rather than posting here of late, and have followed your posts. About a decade ago I had awful problems with my ankles. I didn't know about TMS at the time but looking back I clearly see that's what it was. Not sure how helpful it is but here's the link to where I touched on it. I'd be happy to chat more if it would help. It's reassuring to hear that someone has overcome our particular problem.
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=8034
Regarding sexual trauma, the funny thing is that I've never felt it was a big deal. It happened and I was ok. It's only now that I realise how I stuffed those emotions down, and how for the next two decades I would embroil myself in situations with men that mimicked the psychological dynamics of the original situation. Listening to Pennebaker made me think. I'm essentially a private person but I realise I'm secretive too and somehow these aspects are corrosively intertwined. You seem wonderfully open and a gifted artist to boot. I had a look at your website. Beautiful my dear.
Eric, bless you my love.
Your encouragement and faith is a constant source of inspiration for me. On days when I feel like giving up, I think of you and all that is possible. You show us all what true and full healing is.
chickenbone, what to say...
Thank you for such a personal and touching response. Your words give me much hope. The 'Hermit' card is called to mind, the light-bearer who is further along the way and who shines their light for others.
I honestly hadn't realised that I held these (and other experiences) out at a distance from the rest of my life. It sticks out like a sore thumb now, as does the disjointed nature of my personal narrative. The real me, the public me. Pennebaker validly asked 'what price the authentic life?' and I find myself in the thick of that reckoning.
I really appreciate your thoughts on bracing. I do this and am tuning into the many holding patterns, the sensations, the triggers and such. It's a relentless exploration. I remember RageSootheRatio posted about a fourth survival mechanism - fight, flight, freeze and fawn. This last one has particular resonance. I thought I'd saved the link but I can't find it now. If anyone or RSR knows the url, I would greatly appreciate it.
Again, thanks so much for your affirming response.
Gigalos, bless you. It's shocking to me how prevalent abuse is. Like you I've never really connected this with TMS in a tangible way but I guess the roots are so deeply hidden, why would we? Pure Sarno.
I'm beginning to see how it changed me. Less the incident itself and more how it led to re-enactments, to my people-pleasing personality, to a whole way of being. It's very early days and more than a bit scary but I've taken the first step. Warm hugs to you. |
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Ace1
USA
1040 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 05:33:54
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| Congratulations on your big step to your recovery by understanding how the past has affected your behavior today. God bless you for what you went through and the courage you had to share that with us. |
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Dr James Alexander
Australia
127 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 05:50:53
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Plum- as Eric says, you are a hero. To break the taboo of revealing what was done is a great step towards freedom. Perpetrators usually manage to instill a prohibition against disclosing what they did- a terrible web of silence is spun on the child and traps them. Until they defy the web and break it with the courage of speaking the truth. There are many people on this forum who can relate to your experience and are supporting you from all over the world.
James |
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RageSootheRatio
Canada
430 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 07:27:57
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oh YES Plum, Dr James is right, that there are people who can relate to your experience and who are supporting you from all over the world. I just saw your first post now, and I have few words at the moment. Just weeping, and sending you much love and care and safety and healing.
You had asked about the article which discusses "fight flight freeze ... and fawn."
Here's some links:
http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm
http://www.pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm
I also found other articles I really liked on his site.
thinking of you,
with love, RSR
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 07:52:33
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Thank you so much, Plum..for sharing about your ankle issues and, more importantly, for trusting us here and opening up this discussion..That took a lot of courage on your part..and, in the process you are helping some of us look at our own past in regard to sexual abuse..Thank you also for taking a look at my art website and for the kind words about my work..I appreciate you and I send you a big hug from across the pond! xo
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 08:02:50
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PS..Gigalos..I am sorry for what you went through as well..The World can be such a harsh place for many of us..This post is full of kindness and support..and you deserve every bit of that, plum..Big hugs to you and everyone here! :)
Karen |
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jegol71
USA
78 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 09:53:27
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This is the forum at its best, with its best people.
Congratulations, Plum. I hope people who have not posted find a way to some hard, new courage through what you've offered here.
Bravo. It is people like you who will be called upon to be the lifesavers to those such as the poor girl from Cleveland who recently fled her captors. What a gift to yourself and us.
Bravo. |
Edited by - jegol71 on 05/09/2013 09:54:14 |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 15:24:15
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I've been out and about today, quite glad for the tempestuous weather (winds of change and cleansing rain), and am now snug at home, warmed and moved by the kindness you've all shown. I suspect this kind of revelation would typically prompt the old 'cross the street to avoid awkward conversation' in many people so I thankyou all for doing the exact opposite. Sexuality is ever the hot potato so sexual trauma surely surges discomfort levels to boiling point. I am indebted to you all for being safe hands and good friends.
Ace1, I appreciate your words and constant support. You're a gem.
James, beautiful words and I cried. I can't thank you enough for all the goodness you bring to this place. I wouldn't have posted this had it not been for the gentle process you helped me engage. You were the first person I told who f***ing cared.
RSR, bless your heart for you too have helped more than you may know. Thank you for the links (really saved this time). I read Pete's site when you first linked but I wasn't ready to 'go there'. Surely enough I have rolled around and naturally settled in his Bibliotherapy (doubtless Ace1 rolls his eyes but smiles).
There I saw a recommendation for Robin Norwood's 'Women who Love too much.'
This I have.
I find and read.
This from the preface:
"We all need to deny what is too painful or too threatening for us to accept. Denial is a natural means of self-protection, operating automatically and unbidden. Perhaps at a later reading you will be able to face your own experiences and deeper feelings."
(that would be me. that would be now.)
..."If their problems seem much more serious and distressing than yours, let me say your initial reaction is typical of most of my clients. Each believes that her problem is 'not that bad', even as she relates with compassion to the plight of other women who, in her opinion, have 'real' troubles."
(Oy vey. Here I am again).
It is gratifying to realise that I am 'ready' to face this.
Huge thanks and bigger hugs.
Karen, I will ever hold a soft spot for artists. The world needs sweet souls like you. I feel many things but courageous isn't one of them, and yet if by breaking the taboo, as James describes, it helps you and me and the countless people who silently read here to face those demons, I am happy.
Jared,
The Wisdom of Solomon
Shekinah is the Supreme Spirit devoted to the good of all people...
She shines bright in the bloom of ignorance;
She is unfading;
She is easily seen by those who love Her;
easily found by those who look for Her,
And quickly does She come to those who seek Her help.
One who rises early, intent on finding Her, will not grow weary of the quest--
For one day he will find Her seated in his own heart.
To set all one's thoughts on Her is true wisdom,
And to be ever aware of Her is the sure way to perfect peace.
For Shekinah Herself goes about in search of those who are worthy of Her.
With every step She comes to guide them;
in every thought She comes to meet them . . .
The true beginning of spiritual life is the desire to know Shekinah.
A desire to know Her brings one to love Her.
Loving Her enables one to follow her will.
Following Her will is the sure path of immortality. And immortality is oneness with God.
So the desire to know Shekinah leads to God
and His Kingdom - - a never-fading Kingdom.
With all your thrones and scepters you may rule the world for a while,
But take hold of Shekinah and you will rule the world forever. |
Edited by - plum on 05/09/2013 15:27:45 |
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chickenbone
Panama
398 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2013 : 20:13:30
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Beautiful, wise and inspiring poem, Plum. Thank-you for posting it, I read it several times.
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RageSootheRatio
Canada
430 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2013 : 09:34:15
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Plum ... sorry for the shortness, (having some vexing challenges right now), but just wanted to check in w/ you ... to let you know I am still thinking about you, sending much love.
RSR |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2013 : 14:26:40
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chickenbone, wise priestess. Sending you love.
RSR, you angel. I'm good, thank you. Nice day out with himself, saw friends and laughed a lot and then visited my folks. I feel a fragile peace, which I'll settle for before entering the fray. I'm indebted to you for the Pete Walker link. Do hope your vexing challenges pass soon and that life treats you kindly. Love, love and hugs. |
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Innocence Lost
