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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
 Posted - 01/20/2013 : 07:18:45
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Some years ago I met a man who I never saw before or have not seen since. We started up a conversation and we seemed to click and he decided, that since there was a small likelihood we would ever meet again, that he wanted to tell me something he never told anyone before. I agreed to listen and be non judgmental.
He told me he had been married to the same woman for the past decade and that for the most part they were happy together. He stated also that they were faithful to one another.
But there was a problem that he did not want to admit to himself, and most certainly not to his wife. When they got married he was aware that he experienced same-sex attraction but he thought by getting married to a woman it would eventually go away and that is was just a foolish phase he was going through. They lived a normal life and everything seemed to be fine. But about 7 years into their marriage the realization that he was gay dawned upon him but he suppressed it because he loved his wife and the revelation would ruin both his marriage and his life as well as hurt his wife deeply. During this time a variety of symptoms began to emerge in his body - I can't even remember them all now -- and he had to take off some time from work in order to deal with them. This gave him time for reflection in his life and he was forced to admit to himself that he was gay despite the love he had for his wife. He felt profoundly guilty and frightened and did not know what to do. He felt like a failure for letting down his wife.
I asked up about his religious upbringing and not surprisingly he told me his was a strict fundamentalist background but that he left that some years ago and considered himself a somewhat liberal-minded person.
I was not in a position to advise him other than seeking counsel from a professional. He stated that just the mere fact of speaking with me made it feel a load was lifted off of his chest, but he knew he had to make a decision but was unsure what to do.
I tell this story to highlight that inner conflicts people have in their lives can induce tension in the mind and the body and generate some very intense symptoms.
I have no idea what happened to this man as I never saw him again. |
Edited by - shawnsmith on 01/20/2013 12:48:43 |
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susan828
USA
291 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 08:10:34
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I was reading the chapter in Steve O's book last night entitled Physician Heal Thyself in which he talks about the value of confiding in a person as opposed to journaling. I have been in a position where I was so distressed that I told my problem to a stranger who was kind enough to listen. It helped. This man will probably remember you for the rest of his life and perhaps your conversation was the turning point in his decision.
I hope he's OK. This is so prevalent. I have seen so many marriages end after 20+ years because the person finally comes to terms with their sexual preference. It's so devastating for both parties.
Since this was several years ago and you may not have been aware of the mind-body connection as you are now, did you discuss that with him?
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 08:12:34
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| No, I did not discuss that with him. I was there more to listen than to offer any kind of advice. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 14:49:46
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shawnsmith,
Thanks for posting this. How many of us are a hairsbreadth from sexual conflict or passionately embroiled in the whole mess?
*smiles* |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 05:05:51
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| I don't think the issue for this man is his sexuality per se, but what the revelation will do to his wife if she finds out. He does not want to hurt her as he deeply loves her. He feels that he has somehow betrayed her for marrying her in the first place and living a lie all these years. So, he feels trapped. |
Edited by - shawnsmith on 01/24/2013 07:54:21 |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 05:27:39
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quote:
Originally posted by plum
shawnsmith,
Thanks for posting this. How many of us are a hairsbreadth from sexual conflict or passionately embroiled in the whole mess?
*smiles*
Hi Plum
Actually, I am surprised that issues surrounding sexuality did not come up more on this message board for surely the topic is closely linked to issues connected with the onset of TMS. I guess people don't feel comfortable with the topic while others may be too immature to deal with it as an adult. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 06:03:11
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| Maybe those reasons are exactly why we should brave it. I'll put my hand up to having problems with my sexuality and attendant conflicts. I have worked through a lot myself and yet...and yet. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 10:11:19
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| I am of the opinion that one's sexuality is not really a problem. It is when we hear the background noise from other people in the hetro-normative / homophobic societies in which we live and take what we hear to heart which then turns into a problem because there is censor, condemnation, accusations and even social alienation from others. Even those closest to us will turn on us and disown us as if we lost our humanity. But then, as the man I mentioned in the original post, people become trapped and cannot get out without a lot of pain and suffering which they just cannot deal with. So they remain where they are but go through a lot of agony because they are living a lie. I have seen it over and over again. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 10:27:50
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So, so true. My little brother is gay and we've talked about this. He recently read a book called 'The Velvet Rage' that I believe covers a few of the bases you mention. One of my best friends is celibate, yet fiercely erotic. People tease and misunderstand her all the time and it hurts her a lot. I'm kinky and in a world whose best appreciation of this is of the 'Fifty Shades' variety, matters can feel pretty hopeless.
Like you I've seen an awful lot of fallout. It's heartbreaking. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 15:26:32
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Thanks chick.
I'll watch the video tomorrow, it would be indelicate to do so now, and I've had a peep at the links. Hoping you're ok. Whatever that means. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/22/2013 : 06:12:04
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Alan Downs also speaks about emotional regulation, very relevant to tms.
I sent my bro the links too. Thanks again. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 08:01:58
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| I want to keep this topic at the top of the message board because it is not just about sexuality issues, but only a few will be able to comprehend that. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 08:06:28
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| Exactly. It's about living a lie, the massive inner conflicts and consequences of that. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 08:08:06
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| And this is the central message of Nicole's book which I am reading now. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 08:19:13
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| I'm reading it too. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2013 : 08:38:08
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This is what Nicole writes on pages 85-87 when at the age of 19 she gets really severe back pain and is no longer able to function:
Thus begins the TRUE drama of “my ACHING back.” Visits with Orthopedic Surgeons, Tylenol 3 with Codeine, X-Rays and MRIs. And the diagnosis? Let me try my best to capture the surgeon, as he loomed over me laying on the exam table, and told a virtual child the following [paraphrased]:
You have a condition called Spondylolisthesis (spän-d#601;-l#333;-lis-#712;th#275;s#601;s.) This means that your spine is not aligned properly, dramatically so, at the base of your spine where it meets the Sacrum. Several of the vertebra located at the base of the spine... (I love how quickly it becomes ‘the spine’ and not ‘your spine’ when one is injured, officially replacing a part of one’s identity with pathology) have shifted out of the proper position, and are pressing on the bones below them. You have several spinal stress fractures in these vertebrae. It also looks as if one of the vertebra is actually shattered, and replaced with scar tissue.
If that isn’t bad enough, here is what follows.
(Please keep in mind that I am 19.)
[Paraphrased.] This is very serious, and you will eventually
need major surgery in order to live without lifelong chronic pain. It will be Spinal Fusion Surgery and will require substantial recovery time, including a body cast for several weeks. Once your spine is fused, you will have decreased mobility for life. Since you are so young, we do not recommend the surgery at this time. Keep in mind however, that you will not live out your days without it. Maybe you’ll make it to 40...?” (This is especially ironic as my 40th birthday was last month, and I marked it with a weekend-long celebration of live music and dancing all night with close friends.)
He continues:
In the mean time, there are several things that you should never do. You should never ride in a car for an elongated period of time. The bouncing motion will worsen your condition. You should lift nothing heavier than 20 pounds, EVER. You could launch yourself into another “acute pain incident.” You cannot sleep on your stomach. It will stress the spine and deteriorate your condition. If you sleep on your back, make sure that your knees are elevated, always. Best to just sleep on your side in the fetal position. (I still do this, out of habit.) Bend with your knees when picking up ANYTHING. Never bend from your back. You should do no exercise which involves bouncing. No jogging. No aerobics. You must give up any sport in which you could have a jarring fall, like skiing, rollerblading, or horseback riding.” (Um, my three passions.)
Brace yourself. Here is the best:
“It is unlikely that you will be able to carry a baby to term without bed rest for many months. The weight of the baby will be far too much for your back. In fact, you shouldn’t really be holding babies very much either. It is a decidedly damaging move - too much emphasis on carrying a heavy thing without dropping it...”
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A past conversation I had
