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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
 Posted - 01/19/2013 : 14:35:31
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Given recent exchanges, I'm wondering how many here are not saying what needs to be said, are holding back, slamming the door I
on their loss, on their grief, on their dreams?
To all who are faded and ruptured and hurting, what say we give passionate voice to it here and now.
Me? I would gladly kick this b******* into the middle of August and go party after. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/19/2013 : 14:37:59
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maccafan
130 Posts |
Posted - 01/19/2013 : 16:14:02
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Hi Plum,
I don't mind telling you what happened after I left the situation that I was in. I had put off making my decision to leave for over a year because I felt bad for him. But as his violence grew I had no choice. His injured brain was more than I could handle and I finally realized it. The day his relatives picked him up I stood in my driveway watching him leave. What I felt surprised me. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt so light. I had been physically and mentally worn out. My friends took me out and I did put on my dancing shoes. The next day I was feeling guilt, I missed the non-violent side of him and thought I'd made the wrong decision. So I went to see him at his new assisted living center and while I was there he tried to attack me again. I found out later that he had been doing this to other people at the center as well. So I had no more doubts about my decision, I wished him well and left. That was 23 years ago.
I wish your decision could be made as easy (even though it wasn't that easy) but I was not safe. I don't know the specifics of your situation. I do hear your silent scream though and wish I could wave a magic wand for your husband to be well and you to feel better. In fact if I could only find one I would wave it like crazy for the whole world.
BTW I was able to stop my back pain that had developed during all this with Dr. Sarno's small but genius book, The Mindbody Prescription. Thank goodness for this wise man. |
Edited by - maccafan on 01/19/2013 16:41:15 |
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pspa123
672 Posts |
Posted - 01/19/2013 : 17:01:23
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From a completely different context, but relevant I think to those dealing with the door slamming on their dreams.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 09:08:42
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Maccafan,
I am grateful that you shared this. I've been thinking about your words, this situation and also about the whys and wheres of pains manifestation.
Many years ago I used to dance a lot and my enthusiasm lead me to a level of teaching and performing I wasn't ready for. I started suffering crippling achilles tendon pain. I couldn't walk let alone dance but I took pain killers and carried on. Matters culminated in a humiliating experience on stage. Trust me, a meltdown in gold sequins is not pretty. Despite my love of the dance itself, the pressure and politics of that small world were too much, relations broke down, and I left. I took flight. I ran away. Over the next two years the pain faded but would return whenever I danced.
Fast forward to now. The pain is *tmj*. I clench my jaw. I don't want to run or to leave. I'm fighting, shadow-boxing Parkinsons, and the past and every time I never stood up for myself.
It looks ridiculous in print, this personal narrative, this stupid story telling itself.
Sarno is a genius. He really is. |
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pspa123
672 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 09:13:48
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| It doesn't look ridiculous in print at all. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 09:14:36
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pspa,
I love poetry and this made me want to sweep your dreams into a big cuddle and love them back to life.
In no small part I'm convinced that following ones dreams is ultimately healing.
I answer my own questions don't I? |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 09:17:27
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| Thank you my love. |
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maccafan
130 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 11:22:26
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Your costume of gold sequins reminded me of a dancer that I saw once. Years ago my soon to be husband and I were dining out at one of our favorite restaurants. This small place had never had entertainment before but this night after some exotic music started a belly dancer in a gold sequined costume came out and began to dance for everyone. The restaurant was full that night and she danced between the tables, smiled at everyone and was very good. She had already put a dollar bill in her waist band to let it be known that she would welcome tips. But the customers ignored her, they seemed embarassed by this type of dancing. I could see the fine drops of perspiration on her forehead and upper lip. And she had a look of worry in her eyes. So I gave a $5 bill to my fiancee and got her attention to come dance for us and he put the money in her waist band (which he didn't mind doing, ha). Then the dummies in there loosened up and all went better.
Later when I went to the restroom I saw her in the hall getting ready to leave and she smiled and said thanks. And I said no, thank you. You're a very talented dancer. It seemed to me that this woman was following her dream to be an exotic belly dancer.
What type of dance do you or did you perform? Maybe you should put your dancing shoes back on. Performers have mishaps on stage all the time and they get back up and keep going...sometimes they need some time to heal up first though. Also maybe taking a drive by yourself a few times to a place where you could scream out loud and loosen up your jaw muscles and stop the pain. |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 14:41:42
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This is oddly fatalistic but I was a belly dancer, and the horrible dying-on-stage moment happened in a restaurant...
The collective unconscious moves in mysterious ways I guess but even so this nicely weird.
(I love the gesture you made to the dancer that night. Such things make a big difference.) |
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maccafan
130 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 15:31:37
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You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into The Twilight Zone! 
Plus you both had gold sequined costumes.
Hope you find relief from the TMJ symptoms. |
Edited by - maccafan on 01/20/2013 15:35:05 |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2013 : 21:34:29
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quote:
Originally posted by maccafan
You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into The Twilight Zone!
Plus you both had gold sequined costumes.
Hope you find relief from the TMJ symptoms.
Maybe we need to open a TMS cabaret, old chum and all that jazz. Rod Serling is Dr. Sarno is Dave. TMS is the Twilight Zone is TMS.
Good night moonlight ladies, I'm going to the bank to stock up on my $fives$. |
Edited by - tennis tom on 01/20/2013 21:58:51 |
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Cath
116 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 05:07:13
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Plum
I can tell by the way you string a sentence together that you're an artist in every respect. I feel for you in your present situation, although my own situation is different, we share the same symptoms of TMS - TMJ. Mine began as sporadic tension headaches and grew to become a monster. They started when my only son was experimenting with recreational drugs, and I was so fearful for his health and future. Then I lost my Mum to cancer, and the result was constant pain. I've had no respite for 4 years now, even though my son is now successful and happy and living with a wonderful young woman, who literally saved his life.
I have missed so many opportunities in my life, and now have a sense of time running out before I can achieve something of worth. When I was a child I also loved to dance. I will never forget the sense of freedom, abandonment and elation it gave me. Just being in the moment, and feeling the rythym of the music through my body. It's something I aspire to feel again some day very soon.
It's so important for any artist to express themselves in whatever form they choose - it's where happiness lies. I hope you can find time and inspiration to take up your heart's desire again, even though you must have overwhelming feelings of being trapped and helpless. I know that's what I'm planning to do, and hopefully along the way, my pain will eventually recede into the background.
Love and peace
Cath |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 05:52:42
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Cath, bless you my darling. Maybe our situations are not so different, not really, and the net result is the same; much dammed-up pressure and the sands of time running through fingers that yearn for better things.
There is a charming Sufi saying;
"God respects us when we work but loves us when we dance."
So...I suggest we enter a pact to feel that freedom once more. I've decided to enrol in tango classes this Spring. I rather like it's melancholic themes of sex and death and longing, I feel kinda foxy just thinking about it. How about you? What tempts you? |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 05:53:55
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Tom, you're a riot.
Thanks for making me smile like an idiot. |
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Cath
116 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 06:47:35
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Plum
Tango sounds good to me. Although, I do love to watch an Argentine Tango being performed. A very sensual and dramatic tangle of legs and arms. Of course, Rhumba, being the dance of love, tempts me too, but my flexibility is not what it was.
It's just occurred to me that for most of my life I have been afraid to admit to this very sensual side I have, and yes, repressed it. Dancing allows you to reveal it unashamedly, and I have done so in the past, albeit tinged with a little embarrassment. At the moment, I am attending a drawing and painting class. I discovered recently that I have a very small talent for drawing, and it relaxes me to scribble away with my pencil. But maybe next term, I should try a dance class too. It's definitely food for thought - thank you Plum for reminding me that I'm not quite ready for the scrap heap yet.
Love, peace and happiness
Cath |
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plum
United Kingdom
641 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2013 : 09:53:50
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I envy your ability to draw. I am hopeless at it and yet it is very soothing to watch and profoundly sensual in its own way. The soft scratch of pencil on paper, the aroma of paint and the colours! The names of shades is such a joy. The stillness is a lovely and mindful contrast to the movement of dance.
Rhumba is sheer poetry. Hmm, you make me want to seek that out too.
There is something powerful about the lead-and-follow of partner dancing, a yielding (for the lady at least), that is quite refreshing. Nice to let go, unashamedly so.
Sensuality is a blossom of femininity that we deny ourselves without mercy and it is so sad when life wants to be held to our lips and cherished.
I send you this nights sunset and a warm hug. |
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your mouth sewn like a seam
