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Birdie78
Germany
145 Posts |
 Posted - 11/11/2012 : 07:15:49
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Hi,
since I can remember I suffer from a feeling (or "non-feeling") of chronic inner emptiness and senselessness/meaningless/boredom. This feeling is really hard to describe: it feels like being not at home in myself, being strange to myself, everything feels a bit superficial, like a bottomless pit, like not being me and playing a role, like an alien. I feel a lack of something, it's like a hole where should be a "core" or whatever. I often feel chased and driven, probably to avoid these feelings of emptiness (there are many typical things of avoidance like shopping, working, internet, tv, eating, addictions....pain?).
I am sure these feelings have something to do with beeing abandoned (emotionally or real, I think that's not such a big difference), I lost my biological mother and my stepmother when I was a baby and there were further traumatic experiences like my very agressive and alcoholic father (repressing emotions may addictionally “produce” emptiness)
I remember these feelings of meaningless when I was a child: I watched other kids playing enviously because I wasn't able to play, it seemed to be boring and senseless, a prick was a prick and not a gun, the doll was a dead piece of cloth and plastic and not a baby, what the heck were these other kids doing there?
I remember SteveO writing the following:
"Many TMS sufferers report they never bonded with their mother or father, leading to a lifetime of emptiness filled with continous self-punishment. The father's role comes alonge a little later, but is just as critical in the emotional development process that feeds the child what it needs for harmony and balance. Without these connections comes a deep void that is often filled with drugs, depression, anxiety, violence, perfection, and of course TMS".
And:
"External stimulation is sought to fill the void of isolation."
In former times - when I was painfree - I was very overactive to avoide the emptiness: I did sports, being always on the road.
- Anybody here knows what I am talking about and what I try to explain?
- Anybody here is/was experiencing the same?
- And what do you think has TMS to do with? The pain I have doesn't distract me from my emptiness, I "feel" both: pain and emptiness. Perhaps, if I had no pain the emptiness would be much more stronger, who knows?
And, the last and most important question:
- anybody who overcame this condition?
I often thought I'd like to be dead because I already feel more dead than alive.
I feel the strong need to fill the emptiness in me but not the way I did it as yet. I know that I have to find a long term goal or a hobby, but that's not such easy as everything feels just meaningless and boring. If a fairy godmother asked me for a wish I'd answer that I wished to feel vivid and alive rather than feeling disconnected and incomplete.
Thank you for reading!
Kind regards from Germay sends Birdie |
Edited by - Birdie78 on 11/11/2012 07:21:09 |
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Peregrinus
250 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2012 : 07:53:46
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Birdie:
Thanks for sharing your story. Have you heard of Eckhart Tolle? He has a similar story but with a happy ending.
All the best. |
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Birdie78
Germany
145 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2012 : 08:28:07
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Peregrinus, that's great! I recently ordered a book from him but I did not read it yet, it's still waiting on my kindle to be read, I will start reading as soon as possible!
Kind regards from Germay sends Birdie |
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wrldtrv
666 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2012 : 15:03:03
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Birdie, I think I know what you are talking about because I often have similar feelings. Mild disassociation. Are you depressed? Do you have sources of purpose and meaning in your life? Do you have a few people you are closely connected to?
I also understand the constant running, the seeking of distractions to make you feel more alive. And then if you are in pain and can't do these things, it sometimes feels unbearable.
The first thing I would do is check with a doc or therapist to assess whether you are depressed. After that, trying to find a source of meaning is the most important thing. Some people find it in religion, some in philosophy, some in helping others, in striving for a goal. Everybody is different. One source for me is running.
Other helpful things are mindfulness meditation, learning a new skill, being around people in a meaningful way. The idea is to remain engaged with the world instead of withdrawing from it. |
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Cath
116 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2012 : 05:22:53
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Hi Birdie
I know exactly what you mean. I have the same feeling inside too. After reading SteveO's book, I have put it down to a lack of purpose, and deep feelings of separation. I constantly procrastinate, but also know that I have to find that something to fill the void. But everything I try eventually becomes pointless. I haven't really worked it all out yet, but, as SteveO also says, relationships are key, and I really feel the need to re-connect somehow.
Running helped me also when I was younger, but I'm not quite up to running again yet.
I'm having talk therapy at the moment, and it is helping a little, I think. Some days I know exactly where I'm going and know exactly what I have to do to fill the void. And then the next, I'm back there with that deep ache inside of me. I think we just have to keep on working at changing the negative thoughts into positive, and believe that one day we will feel complete. That elusive "something" might be just around the corner.
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Birdie78
Germany
145 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2012 : 09:14:36
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Peregrinus: I ordered E. Tolles book "The Power of now" and WOW it's such a great book! There are lots of thoughts and exercices I found very helpful. But there're also exercices I don't understand well, like "feeling the inner body"...but living in the NOW and not in the past/future respectively trying to be in the NOW is very helpful!
wrldtrv, I think I am not really depressed. Sometimes I suffer from "dysthymia", but no clinical depression! And I totally agree with you:
quote:
The idea is to remain engaged with the world instead of withdrawing from it.
Cath, you wrote:
I constantly procrastinate, but also know that I have to find that something to fill the void. But everything I try eventually becomes pointless. I haven't really worked it all out yet, but, as SteveO also says, relationships are key, and I really feel the need to re-connect somehow.
Oh I know this!!! And - very TMS typically (the need for more information) I read a lot about it. Unfortunately in English...I tried to google "innere Leere" (=inner emptiness) in German but with no success (mostly related to borderline personality disorder and clinical depression). I found this statement to be very true (for me) and helpful:
"Inner emptiness is caused by only two things: a lack of connection with your own feelings and inner experience, and a lack of connection with a spiritual Source of love and guidance. Both must be present for fullness of being." If you google Margaret Paul you will find some stuff about lonliness and emptyness.
I also found the "Clinical Handbook of Mindfulness" and a special articel, called "Mindfulness and Feelings of Emptiness". The book is too expensive and isn't on hand in my university library so I read it via "search inside" and typewrote some phrases for the forum (sorry for the mistakes!):
"The final goal of the training is to lead the patient to explore and confront his or her own emotions, mainly anxiety, which, as we have hypothesized above, appears to be strictly related to the emptiness experienced in certain types of disorders. As suggested by Trobe-Krishnananda (1996), the objective is to penetrate the fear in depth, but with awareness, compassion, and understanding, giving value to these feelings and creating an inner space to allow patients to feel, observe, and accept”
“Venturing into the layer of vulnerability is not an easy task for the patient affected by feelings of pathological emptiness. As we have previously explained, these people are used to activating a set of avoidance strategies and mechanisms in order not to feel the suffering. This “shell” keeps psychological fear and pain away, even at the coast of developing alexithymia or turning psychological suffering into a physical one, sometimes putting the patient's life at risk.”
Some possible instructions that can be used in order to allow patients to better understand and stay in touch with the feeling of emptiness, in a mindful way, are the following (adapted from Trobe-Ksrisnananda, 1999):
1. Look over your childhood essential needs. Ask yourself: “do I have a hole related to this need?”
2. then focusing on this particular hole, ask yourself: “how does this hole affect the way I relate to myself?” and “how does this hole affect the way I relate to people and life?”
3. staying with the hole, ask yourself: “how do I feel this hole inside?” and “which sensations do I feel right now and where in the body?” Allow yourself to notice your feelings on this moment and realize how they are, however, different from you, they aren't you... breathe with them. Try to observe them, without judging them, carrying a sense of gentle curiosity toward that experience. You can approach or recede from these feelings, and finally try to let them go.
4. Explore your needs:” what thoughts and feelings arise when you consider your needs? […] let's grant them the possibility and the necessary time to cross our mind…; “we accept and are compassionate towards these thoughts, realizing that when they were formed, they certainly make sense and have a function even though we have now lost them… let's try to think how much they need us to exist, without us they don't have strength or meaning… let's allow ourselves to observe and understand that without judging…; let's give ourselves permission to immerse ourselves in our inner experience even though it hurts and causes pain, breathing together, crossing it and letting it and develop us in order to reemerge at a certain point… let's try to observe what happens, what changes… trusting our experience.”
- we may also ask the patient to write down, if possible, what beliefs he or she holds inside about having or expressing these needs.
- And eventually may ask:” what were you taught as a child about having and expressing your needs? (e.g. “It’s selfish to have needs and wants” and “Men should not have needs and wants”). Be kind and do not judge yourself and your own thoughts. There's nothing that you need to do or not to do in this moment. Just stay with yourself and your breath now moment by moment.”
Kind regards from Germany sends Birdie |
Edited by - Birdie78 on 11/28/2012 09:16:34 |
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mchan
USA
75 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2012 : 15:10:40
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Birdie: YES, YES, YES! I relate to your very good description of emptiness to a tee. I was a drug addict from 19-24 to try to “solve” it. A high functioning one, you would not have known from the outside. I also never played as child, I wanted to grow up so bad so I could “be happy”. I remember thinking that when I was 5 or 6 years old. I would day dream about when I was 18 years old and could be on my own and make a happy life for myself. I was also always one step ahead in everything. Had a baby when I was 17 (on purpose, yes I wanted a child at 17 and now I see it was to fill the void). He is 15 now and I love him so much, but see some TMS in him as well, having to have me as a Mom… distant and depressed for the first 7 years of his life. Anyway, I am always looking ahead and planning my next conquer, and it’s hard for me to be at peace without working on a future event. I believe this can be resolved by loving ourselves and being loved. The issue for me is, “can I open myself up enough to be loved?” I actually became a Christian 7 years ago, after a very real intense spiritual experience I had at a church. Not long after this is when all the psychical pain started ironically. I had a lot more meaning in life built up, but then I kept noticing a lot of churches I was going to and Christians I was meeting did not love me, not tolerate, and actually reiterated the abandonment and neglect I felt as a child. I mean I do not feel I “belong” there. Most of the women I meet at church are not open and very clicky, and just hard to get to know. It has been hurtful for me to open up and share part of my story and the pain I live in now, and have no one respond in love. So, I have kind of lost that hope after realizing the love I was looking for is NOT in the church. I do still believe in my faith, but having a hard time with organized religion. I am not trying to start a discussion here on religion, just sharing where I am at.
So, for me feeling loved (I felt very much loved during this supernatural experience encounter) gave me so much meaning and hope, and then it crashed when I realized the church was not who I thought they were. I married an amazing man who loves me so much, but I have a very hard time allowing him in due to my past. I believe the answer lies in truly loving ourselves and others, and allowing them in. I believe there is an afterlife and this gives me some hope. I did try to commit suicide when I was 23, and failed obviously. This was before all the physical pain, it was all emotional depression. I have been suicidal many times over the past 4 years but it is truly due to the PHYSCIAL pain I live in now and not emotional, my depression never returned as well as my smoking and drug addiction after that experience I had. No one would ever know I have been on the verge of suicide during the last few years, on the outside I look very healthy and no one knows when you are in “invisible pain” Making it even harder because there is no grace from others. Then even when you do tell people, most people do not care very much or even believe it is that bad. The lack of love from others while dealing with all this has been one of the hardest parts to experience; it must be hitting on my past lack of love. My faith in God and my kids are the reason I have not pulled the trigger, I truly believe deep inside that if we are still breathing there is a reason for our lives. I go to school to become a counselor because I feel like good therapists are lot of times people who have been through it. This hope will allow me to bring more meaning to what I have been through; I hope to help others out of the hole. I am not in my masters yet though, so I don’t know its all yet
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Peregrinus
250 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2012 : 17:37:13
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Birdie:
Tolle uses a lot of terms and expressions that are puzzling. I certainly don’t buy into his eternal life nonsense. Nevertheless, he has a powerful message that I find helpful. Perhaps the best part of the book is his description of his moment of clarity when he saw himself as two different entities. The entity from the past, that was driving him crazy, was a false self. Another way of says this is you are not your past: your past is irrelevant. The way to do this is to live in the present. As Ace says: I’m calm, patient and let go easily.
Good luck!
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Cath
116 Posts |
Posted - 11/30/2012 : 04:34:24
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Hi Birdie
Thank you for your quotations - they did give me something to think about.
Since my last post, I am pleased to say that I have made a little progress. My psychologist said she noticed a shift in me, and I felt it too. I have been in isolation for a few years now, which was self-induced because of emotional pain at first, and then physical pain became my jailer too. I wanted to completely shut off from the world and life. That void inside of me was, and is of my own making. It's a little complicated still to put into words, but I didn't want to feel love for fear of being rejected, and didn't feel that I deserved love in return. The shift happened almost overnight. Or maybe it was as a result of re-connecting with someone - someone who was considerate and compassionate and listened without being judgmental.
I have a wonderful husband who has been supportive through all of this, but he wasn't the one who helped me. And since the shift, I have found myself wanting to re-connect with love in my heart for everyone around me. Before, I didn't want to engage with life at all, but now I do want to go out and re-connect with all the wonderful people out there. My physical pain is still very real and apparent, and I'm still struggling to come of my meds, but I'm hoping that given time, and because of this shift in my emotional state, it will eventually fade into the background.
I really hope you can fill your void too. I believe that it's love you need to feel in your heart, for yourself and then others.
Cath |
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Birdie78
Germany
145 Posts |
Posted - 11/30/2012 : 05:35:49
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Cath, that really sounds great and I love to hear that because it gives me hope that it is in fact possible to overcome this condition!
I think you're right, it's the love (that possibly may still be there) that I can't feel. And of course some other feelings,too.
A few months ago i had - just for fun and relaxing - a "singing bowl application" (don't know the right term in English) because I really love that sounds and vibrations. The therapist put different bowls on my body, a special bowl for every "chakra". She put the bowl on the parts of the body where the chakras were assumed to be and there really was a beautiful vibrating sound. Then she put the heart-bowl on my body where the heart-chakra is and tapped it gently. A dumb "plong", no vibration, no wonderful sound. I told her that the singing bowl must be broken. She put the same bowl on her heart: it made a wonderful sound. Then againn on my heart: "plong" 
That may sound a bit hocus-pocus but affirmed me in my perception that my heart is "frozen" and not open for love/feelings yet.
"Fourth Chakra - Green (Heart / Emotions) The fourth chakra is referred to as the heart chakra. The fourth chakra relates to our willingness to love, to open up ones heart and to give. If in excess, the heart centre can cause one to be insensitive. If deficient, a feeling of emptiness within the heart may exist. The fourth chakra governs joyfulness and is the control centre for mastering our emotions"
Kind regards from Germany sends Birdie |
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Cath
116 Posts |
Posted - 11/30/2012 : 07:50:33
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Guten Tag Birdie
This makes complete sense to me. I like the sound of your therapy. Don't know if we have an equivalent here in England. Any therapy that makes you feel relaxed and gives you a sense of well-being is beneficial in my humble opinion.
I'm so sorry that you feel that your heart is frozen. I believe that is exactly what happened to me. Sometimes when life becomes unbearable we shut down. Happiness and love is still there deep inside - you just need to concentrate on it, and make it grow until it overwhelms you. You sound as though you have had some really bad experiences in your life, and you need to talk about them to someone. Grieve for yourself, and then at some time jump back into life, with all the bad stuff behind you.
Today is what matters, and you can make it as happy as you want it to be. There is so much in life to learn, to be interested in, and there are so many good people out there to meet and be merry with.
I know I'm over-simplyfying this, and that it is a lot harder than a few words can fix, but we just have to keep believing. As individuals, we all choose our own paths, but I'm hoping that with perseverance and knowledge, I will be able to slay this TMS Demon, and I hope you will be successful in your quest too.
Auf Wiedersehn
Cath
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emptiness and senselessness - anyone knows?
