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Dr. Zafirides
189 Posts |
 Posted - 06/15/2012 : 09:00:34
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Hi Everyone,
This has been a strong week of TMS-related content for The Healthy Mind!
I had received an email a couple weeks ago asking if I could devote one of my podcasts to the topic of anger, so this week's show is in response to that listener's email. I discuss the topic of misplaced, displaced and projected anger. I have drawn on both my general psychiatry and TMS-treatment experience for the discussion.
I hope you find it meaningful:
http://www.thehealthymind.com/2012/06/13/understanding-anger-where-it-comes-from-and-how-to-control-it/
I would be most interested in your thoughts as to how I characterize projected anger. Does it seem to strike a chord with regards to your TMS experience?
Kindly,
Dr. Z |
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maccafan
130 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2012 : 12:35:31
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I listened to your podcast and appreciate you posting it. It made a lot of sense to me. I'm an artist and the characterization of throwing paint at a canvas (even though I don't throw the paint) made it really understandable to me.
When my husband and I were first married I was working as an illustrator and there was a manager at my company that was a real pain in the a.. to most who worked there. We all complained to upper management but nothing was ever done about him. Anyway I would relate some of my problems with him to my husband. Sometimes I was pretty upset and needed a sounding board and maybe some advice from him. I really didn't do this a lot but he disagreed and said how his mother had constantly complained about her different jobs as he was growing up. He said I was doing this and he wouldn't comment further or support me with this problem. His mother is also the gueen of control and criticizing. So to this day 20 years later he still will not allow me to try to talk anything over with him whatever it's about.
I've tried to explain to him that I'm sorry what his mother did to him and that he is projecting the anger he feels for her onto me. Now I understand that he gets angry "through me".
I realize that one of the main reasons my back pain and other severe TMS symptoms started is because of all my efforts to get through to him about this problem and having to repress the angry. Even if I let my anger fly consciously I still wind up repressing most of it.
Dr. Zafirides, is there a way that I could finally get through to him somehow that his problems with his awful mother have caused so many problems with us? And of course he will not go to therapy.
This is very candid of me to post this info but I think this is a fairly common problem. |
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Dr. Zafirides
189 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2012 : 14:49:01
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quote:
Originally posted by maccafan
Dr. Zafirides, is there a way that I could finally get through to him somehow that his problems with his awful mother have caused so many problems with us? And of course he will not go to therapy.
This is very candid of me to post this info but I think this is a fairly common problem.
Maccafan,
You are so right, this communication issue is the one of the most common issue I deal with in therapy. It is so hard to advise not knowing you personally, your history and the specifics of your husband's history. But let me offer a broad type of response that you may find helpful.
There are very important reasons why people will not allow themselves to be vulnerable emotionally. What loved ones must realize is that it is definitely ABOUT them, even though [the lack of communication] hurts them terribly. To the person, it is the only way they have learned to survive. The behavior is survival-based, just like the pain of TMS.
I always encourage honesty and openness. Often times a few respectful, compassionately-offered statements can break through those walls. It is always helpful to acknowledge the pain that a loved one has gone through before offering our views. Reminding each other that we do not represent the past is so important. We are all here, right now, in this moment - NOT the past. Anything that we ask our loved ones to do, to consider or to change, we do so out of LOVE. It is because we love them that they affect us so much when they shut down. It is important to reinforce this.
No matter how corny this sounds, it is true - with kindness and love, anything is possible. I don't just mean love for each other, but true love and compassion for ourselves. It is THE KEY to any recovery in TMS. We must believe we can transcend the pain of TMS. To do so means we believe we are powerful. To believe that means we care about ourselves.
Without love and forgiveness in our heart, we won't get there.
With love present, we can go anywhere.
-Dr. Z
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Understanding Anger and How to Control It
