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Dr. Zafirides
189 Posts |
 Posted - 06/13/2012 : 08:48:11
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Hi Everyone,
I thought this article on parental rejection was relevant as it relates to TMS:
http://www.thehealthymind.com/2012/06/13/the-painful-consequences-of-parental-rejection/
One of the most interesting parts of this particular study was the relationship between emotional and physical pain.
From the article: "emerging evidence from the past decade of research in psychology and neuroscience is revealing that the same parts of the brain are activated when people feel rejected as are activated when they experience physical pain."
Take a look at the article, if you have a chance. I would really be interested in your thoughts, specifically as it relates to TMS.
Science is only beginning to figure out what he have known for a long time - our emotions can, and routinely do, manifest themselves as physical symptoms.
Keep moving forward and never doubt your strength. You CAN transcend the pain of TMS.
Kindly,
Dr. Zafirides |
Edited by - Dr. Zafirides on 06/13/2012 08:48:36 |
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drh7900
USA
194 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2012 : 14:05:04
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Thanks, Dr. Z.
In my TMS healing journey, I know that I have recently begun to focus on my relationships with my dads (biological father and step father). I've noticed that the recurring theme in my anxious emotions seem to stem from loneliness or a fear of loneliness. I've also begun to realize that my (step) dad, who I have tremendous respect for, wasn't much for showing emotions. His way of spending time with us usually involved some kind of teaching or lesson learning or even working...there wasn't much play or affection. My (biological) father wasn't around much either and died when I was only 10 years old. I've recently started trying to figure out how these circumstances have affected me and my TMS.
For the record...I've been extra diligent about making sure my children know how much their daddy loves them :)
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Dustin |
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balto
839 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2012 : 17:17:43
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Any kind of rejection hurt, but the rejection from your own parent hurt the most. I have friend who was orphaned. He was never able to get over the pain of why he was abandon by his birth parents. I wonder if that is a kind of rejection too? I introduced him to Sarno's and Claire Weekes' books and he got much better, but still not completely "cure". During Thanksgiving or X-mas, people got family to go to, he got back pain and headache. The poor guy can not find happiness without knowing why his parent didn't want him.
Thanks for the article Dr. Z. |
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Cath
116 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2012 : 07:21:10
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Interesting topic Dr Z. When I was a child I idolised my Dad, and as a teenager, felt very rejected by him after failing academically. We were never close after that, until recently. I am now 53 years of age, and he is 77. 4 years ago my mum died from pancreatic cancer. He was obviously distraught after 52 years of marriage, and told me that he needed me then more than ever, and it was "pay-back time" for my upbringing. I remember feeling angry, as he had never "been there" for me when I needed him as a teenager, or since, but spent a lot of time with him as a good dutiful daughter should, pushing my own grief over my mother's death aside. About 6 months later, my pain started as just tension headaches, and escalated into chronic myofasical pain, TMJ and Fibromyalgia (all recognised by Dr Sarno as TMS). After about 8 months, he found another Lady friend, and again dropped me for his new life with her, although he still pops round for Sunday lunch. I still have my pain, and obviously cannot blame him for all of it, as there are probably other factors at work too. My life has been complicated. But I can see how rejection does add to the "pool of rage" that a lot of us TMSers experience.
Kind regards
Cath |
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Dr. Zafirides
189 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2012 : 15:11:36
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quote:
Originally posted by drh7900
Thanks, Dr. Z.
In my TMS healing journey, I know that I have recently begun to focus on my relationships with my dads (biological father and step father). I've noticed that the recurring theme in my anxious emotions seem to stem from loneliness or a fear of loneliness. I've also begun to realize that my (step) dad, who I have tremendous respect for, wasn't much for showing emotions. His way of spending time with us usually involved some kind of teaching or lesson learning or even working...there wasn't much play or affection. My (biological) father wasn't around much either and died when I was only 10 years old. I've recently started trying to figure out how these circumstances have affected me and my TMS.
For the record...I've been extra diligent about making sure my children know how much their daddy loves them :)
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Dustin
Dustin,
Just realize you can never truly know what your father went through in his life to have to shut down emotionally in the way that he did. Never. Realize though, he acted as he did not to hurt you, but to SURVIVE. I am not trying to justify it, mind you, but just to illustrate the fact that he was only doing what he had learned was the way to live for him. As I tell my patients - because this issue comes up every single day in therapy - forgive him in your heart. Just like you have identified a "fear of loneliness" that dictates your actions. Might it be possible that his actions were directed in a similar fashion, but coming from a "fear of emotional vulnerability"? Something to think about...
Forgiveness and love, it is the only way. Continue with the beautiful meaning you have already drawn from that experience - namely, that you have used your relationship with your father/stepfather as an example of what you WILL NEVER REPEAT in your role as a father with your children. It is because of that difficult relationship that you now are such a fantastic father.
THAT IS THE MEANING YOU MUST TAKE from that painful experience, for it is a beautiful one.
I leave you with a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote:
"Every wall is a door."
We owe it to ourselves, our children and our families to "see the door" in our adversity. It is always there. Always.
Be Well,
Dr. Z
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Dr. Zafirides
189 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2012 : 15:21:01
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quote:
Originally posted by balto
Any kind of rejection hurt, but the rejection from your own parent hurt the most. I have friend who was orphaned. He was never able to get over the pain of why he was abandon by his birth parents. I wonder if that is a kind of rejection too? I introduced him to Sarno's and Claire Weekes' books and he got much better, but still not completely "cure". During Thanksgiving or X-mas, people got family to go to, he got back pain and headache. The poor guy can not find happiness without knowing why his parent didn't want him.
Thanks for the article Dr. Z.
Balto,
I might ask him why he feels his parents did not "want" him.
A mother and/or a father likely had to make an almost-impossible decision (out of family shame or pressure, economic reality, or a host of other reasons) to give up a child they brought into this world. They may have realized a better life existed for the child without them in it. Could you imagine that pain?
I only say this because I currently have patients in my practice who come to therapy because they have given up children for adoption. EVERY SINGLE TIME the answer has been the same - it was the hardest decision the ever had to make in their lives and a day doesn't pass without guilt or shame, even though they knew it was a correct decision - then and now.
I hope that is helpful.
Dr. Z
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drh7900
USA
194 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2012 : 13:40:55
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Thanks for the feedback, Dr. Z.
You're right...I never can know all my (step) dad went through that made him the man he was as my father...but I do know that his father committed suicide when he was still young. I don't know how old he was at the time, but I imagine that between feelings of abandonment that surrounded the suicide and the way his father must have been withdrawn before he did that, my dad likely never had a good male role model in his life that expressed emotion in a healthy way. Granted, I don't know much about any of the male influences in his life other than his father who committed suicide, but that in itself I'm sure was very traumatic.
I am having to relearn forgiveness. I had always thought I had it down...I always thought I didn't hate people and I was quick to forgive and quick to let go. What I failed to recognize is that I failed to express my emotions and ultimately suppressed and repressed these emotions. My TMS journey has been an emotional one as I have gone back to "re-live" some of these experiences and allow myself to feel the anger or sadness or grief or whatever other emotions surrounded the events so that I can genuinely forgive instead of just say I forgive and suppress the negative emotions. I learned early on in my journey that without acknowledgement of the emotions, there can be no real forgiveness and without the forgiveness, we are subject to the TMS pains and equivalents...at least that's the way I see it for me. In the past I never blamed my dad for some of the difficulties I have that I feel were influenced by his actions. I reasoned the difficulties merely as a result of the way I processed the events rather than the actual events (especially since I knew that he was doing the best he could with the information he had...he never intended to "screw me up"...he was trying to raise me as a responsible man). In a way this is true...I never fully processed the events because I suppressed them. What I've learned is that I first need to admit that I feel the need to blame the people involved...so that I really can forgive them.
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Dustin |
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The Painful Consequences of Parental Rejection
