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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
 Posted - 04/19/2012 : 11:50:04
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I mean really, really badly. It's purple-blackish and may even be broken.
How come that table-leg moved, even though it's been in the same place for the 8 years I've lived here? Not to dump on myself, but why did I do that? Something to do with TMS.
Well, let's go back in time. I woke up in the middle of the night nauseous (a completely new symptom for me - I haven't even puked since I was 5!), and then in the morning had a sore throat. Couldn't get off the couch all day despite important stuff to do. Just a cold or a bug, right? Well...
the backstory is that my 92-year-old mother in England has taken a turn for the worse. She is now bedridden, with plenty of loving helpers. I visited her 3 times last year (flying from California at GREAT physical and financial cost, dealing with cancer myself) and each time when I got back here she didn't remember that I'd been there. Enraging?
Yet still, when I talk to her, she tells how she longs for me. She never longed for me her whole life - she was aloof, uninterested, emotionally unavailable and quite verbally abusive, until she got Alzheimers, and then became sweet, needy, begging, longing. In other words a narcissist. I love her in a kind of unconditional way, but feel SO manipulated by the way she guilt-trips me and the way I have actually put my own life at risk, even in the last year or 2, because it was easier to respond to the guilt than to face it down.
Now I'm not going until I get a call saying "Come right now," from one of her carers. I've already said goodbye to her (covertly) at least 10 times, on leaving the UK. I've told her everything she could possibly want to hear, to be at peace and let go.
But the other day, when her health went down, her doc said actually not much is wrong. She can't stand up, but her carer thinks she does whatever she wants (the Macarena?) when no one is in the room. She is TMSing, but she is 92, and she may be really dying this time.
But I still didn't make plans to go over there. Then I got "sick" and was treating it as a "real" sickness, yet I was actually under great anxiety, rage, guilt, etc. Then when I stubbed my toe I realized that I had been thinking about this situation at the time and the lights went on...
I'm sure this saga is "to be continued..."
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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andy64tms
USA
589 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2012 : 13:21:54
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Wavy,
I have similar experiences, my mother passed away in Spain last May at the age of 92, and I have to say what a relief it was. So much so I did not go to her funeral in August, I left it to the other two dysfunctional squabbling children, my brother and sister. At the time I felt very bad about not going and was filled with remorse and guilt. I just could not face my siblings.
Like you I had been to see her the year before with all the costs and emotional issues involved. I was alone with her for two weeks, and was on disability with a broken foot at the time. I had an awful time. So I made pages and pages of notes of what was really happening, I kept them accurate and factual. I made these notes for myself to read later to help with my guilt, as I tend to forget bad things. When I returned to the States, she did not even get up to say good bye, as it was too early in the morning. On my return home, I had a delayed depression that ruined Christmas.
In truth she was the matriarch of my poisonous dysfunctional family, and never achieved anything in life, except raise three inept drunkards. ( I’m happy to be 28 years dry).
I read your thread “You have to let them drown” the other day. At first I was, very shocked, but it helped me understand that my own survival is more important. My mother had her life, in her own way she was happy. She was responsible for what it was, just as I am responsible for mine. For my own peace of mind, I now have to state that I did not love her, she didn’t deserve it, and I have too much anxiety and rage for any love to exist! Very Sad!
Andy
Past TMS Experience in 2000, with success.
Now on Day 12 Wiki Edu.
Charlie horse on neck for 20 years. (to be evicted soon.)
Books: Healing Back Pain
& Unlearn your Pain |
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andy64tms
USA
589 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2012 : 13:31:56
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Wavy,
I am sorry the last email was so morbid. In fact as I sent it I had a flood of tears all over my keyboard. My keyboard is now shiningly clean.
On a happier note for me, it’s now the windsurfing season. I just have to think about windsurfing to feel happy, and the thought didn’t cost me a penny… How can I loose, I will be surrounded by wind and waves, and other happy people?
Take care, it will get better.
Andy
Past TMS Experience in 2000, with success.
Now on Day 12 Wiki Edu.
Charlie horse on neck for 20 years. (to be evicted soon.)
Books: Healing Back Pain
& Unlearn your Pain |
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Stubbed my toe
