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luckyblindshot
USA
6 Posts |
 Posted - 07/18/2011 : 11:04:48
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Hello everyone,
I've been suffering from back and chest pain of varying degrees since mid-September 2010. Back in September I was hospitalized because I thought, coupled with the rapid heart rate and my mother's medical history, the chest pain was something more serious. A similar incident happened in late January, but tests showed that I was alright
I've worn a Holter monitor, had an EKG done, and visited a cardiologist who said my heart was actually abnormally healthy. I'm not too worried about the heart stuff, but the chest and back pain still bother me.
At its worst (around January and February) I was in enough pain to make me throw up in class or have to pull over when driving. I was on Relafen and Flexeril from February-June, but I stopped because neither of them were helping at all.
What brought TMS to my attention was an incident that occurred during my two week study abroad trip in Spain in June. I was in the Museo Reina Sofia in Madrid and was experiencing significant chest pains. I looked at Picasso's Guernica for about five seconds before going to the bathroom and crying because of the frustration of not being able to simply enjoy a new experience that I had been looking forward to for the whole year.
A close friend I was travelling with on the trip knew what was going on and I had told him that I was going down to the bathroom to sit it out. Then one of my teachers met me outside and told me that he had similar pains at about twenty-two. He told me that he was in the process of graduating with a degree in something he had no desire to pursue any longer and that he was also recently married. The pains, for him, went on for about nine months until he read Sarno's work.
In that conversation he outlined the basics of TMS for me and they were consistent with my symptoms. The only time the pain ever subsided for me was when my mind was completely distracted from stressors and past occurrences or when I finally managed to cry. I had suspicions that the pain was tension related prior to the conversation, but it served to confirm it. It was also nice to finally meet someone who had suffered like I had.
A month later, after reading Healing Back Pain, I have a decent understanding of what's going on. I get the oxygen deprivation thing, I get that I'm mad about things from the past, but the pain (even though it's subsided a little) isn't disappearing entirely.
Here are my symptoms:
- Chest pain that moves between the top and middle of my sternum to what feels like the bottom of my Adam's apple. It's hard to describe. It feels like a sort of burning, irritated feeling. Disappears when in fits and spurts of happiness. Curiously absent when I wake up in the morning. This is the most prevalent one of late.
- Chest pain in my chest muscles. More of a muscular burn, like when you work a muscle out in exercise, but the burn doesn't go away. Also absent in the morning.
- Muscular burning below and between the shoulder blades. At one point I had knots and spasms all over my back, but they subsided with the use of Flexeril and massage.
The chest pain that moves between my sternum and my Adam's apple almost feels like some sort of esophageal spasm. It bothers me the most because it feels like it occurs in the area where I "feel" emotions. It's almost as if it has a numbing effect on things that would normally bring me pleasure.
Looking back on emotional events, the pain began after the end of a relationship that angered me very deeply. The girl I was with was someone I had been chasing after for months on end to no avail, but eventually ended up with. She treated me poorly and was clearly not over the ex she left a year and a half prior to us dating. I foolishly stayed in the relationship to "see how it played out" and "develop some emotional armor."
She ended up leaving me for the jealous ex who continuously intervened when we were together in a list of cowardly calls and text messages. He never confronted me directly, he never met me, but he said things about me that sent me into a simmering rage. He's a vile human being and she went back to him, and that pisses me off to this day. I don't really know how to let go of it. I have this venomous hatred for him that still lingers inside of me and it's so unlike me.
I remember speaking with my mother about it and she said something along the lines of "you had better let this go or you're going to suffer both emotionally and physically." I'm a kind fellow, but when I'm betrayed I become deeply vindictive. I see this as my biggest fault and it's catching up with me.
I have a list of other things that could be contributing to the pain but this post is already too long. I need some help getting rid of this pain, it's wearing me down. I don't know where to begin confronting the emotional stuff because I feel as if the pain has numbed me to a point that I don't know how I feel about it anymore. There's a part of me that wants to break down and cry, but I can only seem to do it in troubled dreams. |
Edited by - luckyblindshot on 07/18/2011 11:09:00 |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2011 : 11:44:44
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Your message reads like a textbook case of TMS.
I strongly suggest you keep reading Healing Back Pain and/or The Mindbody Connection and let the concepts sink in.
Don't consider treatment as "getting rid of the pain." It is important to accept that TMS is essentially a bad habit that your mind has developed to cope with repressed emotions. It takes time and diligence to break the habit.
There is no magic cure, there are no particular emotions you need to get in touch with. Continue to work on your list of psychological and emotional factors. Try to find things that may be troubling you deep down, but that you are not really facing up to. Find the things that make you angry, and get angry about them. Keep in mind the anger might be a smokescreen for deeper emotions such as sadness.
It is common for TMS-prone personalities to have trouble expressing emotion. You mother's comment about your relationship is very telling. It seems as if you may have grown up in an environment where expressing emotion was not common, and your parents try to protect you from them. Thus, it is logical that you would develop a habit that tries to protect yourself from feeling.
Follow Dr. Sarno's treatment suggestions and take a long-term view of recovery. Don't get frustrated if the pain continues, worsens, or moves around. Your unconscious mind will try its best to derail you. Don't let it win. |
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2011 : 16:24:47
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You've been through something very difficult and painful. It's understandable that your body is speaking. sometimes, when we try hard to be civil and in control when we want to scream and holler, our body speaks for us.
I suggest you try writing two unsent letters (I emphasize these are letters that you will not be sending). One is to your ex girlfriend and the other is to her ex. In these letters, you will write exactly how their actions have made you feel. How angry, hurt, enraged, or whatever you are feeling. Do not hold anything back. Use plenty of colorful language and let them know exactly what you think of them. Do not censor yourself. Don't worry about neat penmanship, spelling or grammar. You are putting the poison on paper. You will be able to dispose of these letters once they have served their purpose.
This exercise may sound simplistic to you, but I have seen it work wonders. There is something therapeutic about writing and getting the feelings out of your body.
In time, you may come to realize that you truly deserve better than this girl could have offered you.
Good luck. Take care of yourself.
Best Regards,
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2011 : 19:30:24
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luckyblindshot....
quote:
Here are my symptoms:
- Chest pain that moves between the top and middle of my sternum to what feels like the bottom of my Adam's apple. It's hard to describe. It feels like a sort of burning, irritated feeling. Disappears when in fits and spurts of happiness. Curiously absent when I wake up in the morning. This is the most prevalent one of late.
- Chest pain in my chest muscles. More of a muscular burn, like when you work a muscle out in exercise, but the burn doesn't go away. Also absent in the morning.
- Muscular burning below and between the shoulder blades. At one point I had knots and spasms all over my back, but they subsided with the use of Flexeril and massage.
The chest pain that moves between my sternum and my Adam's apple almost feels like some sort of esophageal spasm. It bothers me the most because it feels like it occurs in the area where I "feel" emotions. It's almost as if it has a numbing effect on things that would normally bring me pleasure.
You have very similar symptoms to me. Mine came on suddenly in the midst of a horribly stressful time with a terminally sick relative. Just woke up with it. Then started to stress about it, and had a full blown nervous breakdown about it. Not fun.
I went and had tests done and they determined that I had a mid-back disc herniation and that was what was referring the pain.
Wrong! But the doc's had to find a reason. Actually, it was the pain in the abdomen that was referring to the back. Read up on hyperventilation and see what rapid chest breathing does to a person. It spases up your diaphragm and can cause rib, chest and back pain. You can only relax your diaphragm by discharging all the stress and stressors and coming to terms with who you are as a person. The diaphragm is not a voluntarily controlled muscle. In other words, it is TMS.
It took examination, but I looked back in my life history and discovered that my abdomen and chest have always been my genetic weak spots, even from birth when I had a hernia. Maybe this is your weak spot. Sarno mentions that the mind can find them.
You are certainly on the right track with understanding the emotional causes. Letting go is harder. It takes a flip of the personality. That does not happen overnight.
If you want some further confirmation of your symptoms, do a search here under Costochondritis. It's one of those maladies that has no organic or structural cause. That's the good news. The little badder news is that it seems to take more mental work to rid it. Mine has gradually, slowly, gotten better since I committed and then recommitted to TMS/anxiety.
It's a bit harder to accept the TMS diagnosis when you aren't the typical L-5 or RSI and fall into the "orphan" problems.
Good luck. You will get there.
"Bridges Freeze Before Roads" |
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luckyblindshot
USA
6 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2011 : 22:57:51
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Thank you for the replies and support everyone. I really appreciate the information I'm being given.
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It is common for TMS-prone personalities to have trouble expressing emotion. You mother's comment about your relationship is very telling. It seems as if you may have grown up in an environment where expressing emotion was not common, and your parents try to protect you from them. Thus, it is logical that you would develop a habit that tries to protect yourself from feeling.
I just want to say that my repression of emotions is a largely self developed habit of mine. My parents are very open and supportive when I'm in trouble, emotional or otherwise, but it's very seldom that I let them know until it gets bad. This is a habit I developed on my own which stems from my perfectionism and desire to not let anything that makes me appear weak or incompetent show. My mom's observation was warning me of the tension and stress that my vindictiveness might create, as she's experienced heart problems and fibromyalgia in the past.
The problem with me is not so much a lack of emotional expression as much as my expressing the opposite of what I actually feel. I try to be optimistic and humorous even in times of great stress and pain. I'm finding that although this is a good philosophy to adopt in certain situations, it can be incredibly stressful to uphold that facade when it's not what I'm feeling.
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Your unconscious mind will try its best to derail you. Don't let it win.
Sound and direct advice. Thank you for that. Also, I heard this in my mind in Michael Caine's voice, so that makes me happy.
quote:
I suggest you try writing two unsent letters (I emphasize these are letters that you will not be sending). One is to your ex girlfriend and the other is to her ex. In these letters, you will write exactly how their actions have made you feel. How angry, hurt, enraged, or whatever you are feeling. Do not hold anything back. Use plenty of colorful language and let them know exactly what you think of them. Do not censor yourself. Don't worry about neat penmanship, spelling or grammar. You are putting the poison on paper. You will be able to dispose of these letters once they have served their purpose.
You know, I tried writing journal entries to explain my feelings on the situation but it seemed like some sort of emotionless treatise on what happened. I think a direct letter will be a lot more effective, though the temptation to send them might be a little overwhelming :P
I think your analogy of poison is really fitting. I often think of it as a slow working venom or fire. I remember feeling this creep up on me. It was like I had this venom inside of me, this inferno of hatred that spread through my chest, but it all slowly got focused into a searing coal in my chest. The anger at the situation was uncharacteristically violent and when it subsided (or at least concentrated itself into pain) I felt hollow and spent.
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In time, you may come to realize that you truly deserve better than this girl could have offered you.
I'm happy to say that I'm with a young lady who offers far more than my ex did. Also, tomorrow I will have been with her for eight months, so you'd think that my feelings about the whole ex thing would have subsided. The new young lady is aware of what's going on and has had a lot of wisdom to impart as to how I can address it. She's the main reason I want this to be over with. I hate knowing that when I'm with her part of me is dwelling on the pain I'm feeling instead of being focused on her.
It's strange, I never even had that strong of feelings for my ex, so the pain isn't coming from any lingering sadness of a botched romance. Prior to my ex, I had a funny habit of ending up with girls who had come out of lengthy and complicated relationships. I thought with the year and a half time gap between relationships that I'd be safe to pursue something with her.
In retrospect, I accept a lot of the blame. I think I held on so I could win the battle with the douchebaggiest of exes. I even knew in my heart that she had never let go of him, but I wouldn't relent. It was a pride thing. I'm young and idealistic (i.e. dumb) and she was insufferably sarcastic and generally inept at communicating. An overall not-so-enjoyable person to be around, really, but I put on that facade of optimism to win her over. It failed miserably.
I feel like I should be writing a letter to me as well, just to forgive myself for staying in a situation like that and figure out what was going on in my head.
quote:
If you want some further confirmation of your symptoms, do a search here under Costochondritis. It's one of those maladies that has no organic or structural cause. That's the good news. The little badder news is that it seems to take more mental work to rid it. Mine has gradually, slowly, gotten better since I committed and then recommitted to TMS/anxiety.
Actually, I was on nabumetome for a good six months to treat the inflammation I attributed to costochondritis before I decided that my stomach hurt like hell and the meds weren't doing anything. Given the fact that the pain goes away if I'm happy or laughing or distracted or making out, I'm pretty committed to the TMS diagnosis.
I've been given a good bill of health by every physician I've seen, and I had it in mind that it was stress related some time ago but had no idea how to treat it until now. The TMS diagnosis was pretty easy for me to accept, as it was consistent with what I've been feeling and what I've been reading about the ambiguity of back and chest pain. For me it's more a matter of sorting out my feelings about a long list of things that happened in my late teen years.
Anyway, thanks again everyone. I'll be posting my progress and probably asking advice on several other issues when I get the time.
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2011 : 13:46:53
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I found your post very insightful and honest. I think it's essential that we look at our part in any situation that isn't or hasn't worked out. Many times it comes down to looking at what is motivating our actions, in order to make healthy changes. Asking ourselves the tough questions like; what am I trying to prove?, what am I getting out of this?, why is this enough for me?, what do I really need?
I think that healing from something like this, and healing our TMS involves learning self compassion, expressing our authentic emotions (not just putting on a happy face), and developing the ability to stand up for ourselves with assertive communication. While we recognize our part in a situation, we should not take more than our share of responsibility.
I've read "you have to feel it to heal it", and "what we resist, persists". I think if we're lucky enough to feel heard by someone with empathy, then we can move on and focus on the positive things we want to bring into our lives and have gratitude for all we have that is going right.
I like your idea of writing a letter to yourself as well. Great idea.
Best,
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2011 : 13:51:04
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>"I think a direct letter will be a lot more effective"
I agree. I know it has worked for me.
>" though the temptation to send them might be a little overwhelming"
Funny! Thanks for the chuckle
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/21/2011 : 15:27:39
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quote:
Originally posted by luckyblindshot
I just want to say that my repression of emotions is a largely self developed habit of mine ... This is a habit I developed on my own which stems from my perfectionism and desire to not let anything that makes me appear weak or incompetent show.
The problem with me is not so much a lack of emotional expression as much as my expressing the opposite of what I actually feel. I try to be optimistic and humorous even in times of great stress and pain. I'm finding that although this is a good philosophy to adopt in certain situations, it can be incredibly stressful to uphold that facade when it's not what I'm feeling.
For 20 years old, you are very mature and insightful.
What you describe is very typical for TMS-prone personalities. The symptoms stem from pressure we put on ourselves. The "child inside" is selfish and lazy and just wants to be left alone. It resents the fact that we put this pressure on ourselves to be a perfectionist or goodist. It is in a rage about it.
Sounds to me like you understand the concept. Now it is just a matter of allowing yourself to believe it applies to you, and do the work. It is not easy. Like any bad habit, it is tough to break. But don't make recovery yet another pressure you put on yourself. Do the work and take a long-term view. Trust that the symptoms will subside over time. Whether it be days, weeks, months, or years, it does not matter, because this is a life-long change, not a quick fix. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2011 : 14:34:28
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I wish I'd had half your insight at 20. Just nNow that in 20 years that girl you're so mad about will be miserable, living with the consequences of repeatedly making poor decisions. You on the other hand, an insightful, intelligent, sensitive fellow will be doing just the opposite.
The best revenge, the only revenge that has any meaning, is living well. Trust me.
As to the TMS, you're on the right track. Read the books, hang around the forum. I've no doubt you'll find your way... |
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luckyblindshot
USA
6 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2011 : 21:56:17
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Hey guys,
Sorry I haven't gotten back to anyone on here in a long while. My car broke down shortly after I started this topic and it was a big fix and things got crazy and I had to raise money etc etc. Anyway, I'm back and I'm still having some trouble with the pain. Right now it still seems to be localized around the lower part of my shoulder blades. I still feel the burn in my chest muscles as well. The burning occurs in the same spot on the opposite side of my chest wall from my shoulder blades.
I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I still haven't written the letters to myself concerning a lot of the things that were bothering me. However, I did have a long and emotional conversation with my girlfriend about things that have been bothering me for a long time, and the pain subsided after that discussion. That was about a week ago, but it's back again.
Anyway, I'm really ready to kick this thing in the teeth. I'm starting up school now and, being an art student who sits at a drafting table for large chunks of the day, it really takes it out of me when my back is hurting. I have trouble sticking with routines, but this has been around far too long and I feel like I'm going to have to discipline my thought processes to make it stop.
I'll be trying to post at least once a week. I will do more if I can, but I'm going to be busy with school starting and everything. I'll write my letters and keep talking to people about this.
Thanks again, everyone.
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2011 : 22:15:53
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Welcome back, good on you for havin' the heart to heart with your old lady, that's probably worth two letters you write but don't send.
What did you need fixin' on your car? Just curious, I'm into cars.
You've got an interesting web monicker "Luckyblindshot", what's the derivation of that?
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DR. SARNO'S 12 DAILY REMINDERS:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0dKBFwGR0g
TAKE THE HOLMES-RAHE STRESS TEST
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale
Some of my favorite excerpts from _THE DIVIDED MIND_ :
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti
"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional." Author Unknown
"Happy People Are Happy Putters." Frank Nobilo, Golf Analyst
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luckyblindshot
USA
6 Posts |
Posted - 09/05/2011 : 22:37:45
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My car had a cracked head gasket which was expensive in and of itself, but I had also just gotten my brake pads fixed. All of this was after I had just returned from a study abroad trip to Spain which set my back considerably, so I had to raise money by selling a lot of art.
I think your the first person to ever ask me about the name! I've been using it since I was in eighth grade. I first started using it when I played Medal of Honor Allied Assault (an old WWII first person shooter game) online. The moniker was a mixture of my Irish heritage, the fact that I was target shooting a lot at the time in real life, and the irony of playing as a sniper all the time in MOHAA and saying that the shots I was taking were lucky and blind when they really weren't. That, and I just like the ring of it :] |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2011 : 22:21:04
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Thanks for the reply, I'm a car guy and always interested in what can go wrong, what kind of car is it if you don't mind me asking?
You're twenty y.o. and selling your art, that's pretty darn good, most of the "artists" I know have their dreaded "blue collar" jobs to pay the rent, are wanna' be's and never sell anything or make anything sellable. It's not easy making a living as an artist, when I was your age I had to sell pot to repair my car's engine.
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DR. SARNO'S 12 DAILY REMINDERS:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0dKBFwGR0g
TAKE THE HOLMES-RAHE STRESS TEST
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale
Some of my favorite excerpts from _THE DIVIDED MIND_ :
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti
"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional." Author Unknown
"Happy People Are Happy Putters." Frank Nobilo, Golf Analyst
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20 years old and in need of help.
