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healingback
United Kingdom
134 Posts |
 Posted - 03/10/2011 : 10:13:29
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Hi everyone so since I started on this journey in november I've been doing a lot better but I am still very much up and down with symptoms and also my emotional health. I have had tms it would seem since I was 13 it would seem, I have a very all or nothing personality, in such a way that I have spent my entire life sorting out everything perfectly, right then, or not at all, if there are situations I feel I cannot change or sort out I bury my head in the sand or leave... I have moved around a lot to get away from situations id rather nor handle. So my question is what is your process, how do you break the situation down in your head? I have a terrible trait of being very stubborn and holding onto things, I find it hard to forgive and forget, I feel its a way to protect myself but I know that I will end up very lonely... this year alone has been a very lonely struggle... any tips, or books that anyones read would be great.
This to shall pass.... |
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jaya
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2011 : 10:22:01
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you and i have the same personality...exactly to the tee!
my new strategy is: i ask myself is this siuation life or death?? then when i answer no, as i always do.. i ask myself will this stressful event affect my life in 15 years?? guess what that answer is?? then i move on w/life. |
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2011 : 10:40:22
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healingback...
quote:
So my question is what is your process, how do you break the situation down in your head?
Every situation has a solution. In the very recent past I too would either take a decision (on the easy things) or obvious things, and then bury the decision on the important or troubling things. I realized I was doing this as part of my personality of being a "goodist" and "people pleaser". Take the wrong decision and I will not be liked or not thought of as highly.
I have abandoned this way of thinking, and, honestly, become much more selfish. Like too much data into to a computer that can't handle the processing, I was storing too much illogical, non comforting and abusive information. Nothing got processed and my stress level ramped up. I was doing it on purpose, because if I took a decision somebody was going to have something happen. It was nothing about me.
Now I try to be much more decisive on big and small things. I have had to work to take care of personal problems that I have been avoiding, too. One was a big gamble. It had to do with a relationship that was supposed to be "it", finally. My major symptoms started right after reuniting, but I was afraid to let it go in that I might still have the pain. I do still have the pain, but ending the relationship was still the right thing to do.
I have some debt issues to work out, which, I might add, this person I was involved in, didn't understand and was not the least sympathetic. This after helping to bail her family out once. (The goodist at his sorry work).
As far as forgiving: forgive those who ask for it, and hell with the rest. Allow yourself to be angry at those who you feel have wronged you. Spit it out. The chips will fall where they may and life goes on.
I now ask myself whether any action will make me happy and is it the right thing for me. What I found out was, when you are a "goodist" and "people pleaser" you are putting out much more than you're getting back, but when that was my point-of-view I just didn't realize that most normal, selfish people will not do the same. This caused anger.
Sorry to drone on. Each person, I guess, has to process things the way that is best for them.
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Pd245
58 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2011 : 16:15:30
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Hi healing back:
I have that exact personality type, too. I used to move a lot (usually to break up with a boyfriend :), and I go all out or not at all. You need to unlearn the all or nothing part. Try to see the world more in grays. My counselor taught me the beauty of staying, pausing, and then making a choice. To see things at 20%, 5%, 80%. She gives me a choice: how much do you think you can put into this? Sometimes I say only 5%, and that's ok. I don't know your particular situation, but you mention relationships. Say you're having a conflict with someone and you feel that urge to take off. You can do that, but you also have the choice to give it maybe 5 minutes of your time - to think about what they're saying and also what you're thinking, knowing that you CAN remove yourself from the situation, but see what happens if you don't. Try to detach yourself from the other person's agenda and try to see the reality of the situation.
An example for me is that I have a very good friend who is high energy and high maintenance. When I'm around her my perfectionism and goodism run rampant. My thoughts are: I must be high energy too, I must give her my all bc that's what she seems to demand, I must listen nicely to the same problem for the 50th time and not interrupt bc that might be rude and it might hurt her feelings. I must be better. I can't be who I am right now bc it's not acceptable.
When she comes over while my mind is being all nicey nicey, my body is doing all sorts of things to tell me I don't like this. It's tense. It's restless. I start to feel back pain. My neck starts to cramp from looking over at her while she talks talks talks. So, when she wants to come over, I usually find an excuse for why she can't. And it's usually a real physical problem thats just magically cropped up! That's the only way my body has learned to fight my brain's opinion that it's 100% or utter failure. So, to fight this--because I believe perfectionism equals lying about who you really are -- I've learned to
just be me, make no excuses to other people about why I am the way I am, own it, and accept it myself. Perfectionism is subjective. My perfect is not your perfect. There is no perfect. There is no best way to be. You can only be you, functioning as well as you can (with the knowledge that you can change some things and not others, and that growing as a person is an excellent goal). Sometimes I'm very low energy. Sometimes I don't want to listen. Sometimes I'm really boring (actually, often). Sometimes I watch too much stupid TV. Sometimes I hate talking. Sometimes I get migraines, and I'm going to tell the truth about that instead of lying about it.
Accepting all of these things about yourself that may contradict the values of your family or friends can be so freeing. It's like a huge weight off of your shoulders. Notice how they're all being themselves whether or not YOU like it. It's like, Oh!!! I don't have to pretend to listen for 2 hours anymore. I can give it a time limit and also butt in with my own opinion, whatever the repercussions. Oh! I don't have to take off. I can be myself. I can handle the conflict because usually its about them, not me. And I don't have to give it an hour, I can give it ten minutes and then leave.
So now, when my friend wants to hang out, instead of thinking about how to get out of it (and remind my body that its growing symptoms are only TMS), I think, What am I willing to do today? I want to keep my friendship, but I also want to be me. I can't keep putting in all of this effort and trying to be someone I'm not. Because thats when I run away. To avoid having to tell the truth about myself (your reason may be totally different). So, maybe I don't feel like sitting and craning my neck to listen for hours,I don't feel like talking, and I have enough energy for about 15 minutes. So I say to her, I would love to go on a 15 minute walk with you. Or, she'll ask to come over and I'll tell her bluntly, You know, I'm really kind of tired and want to watch bad tv. If you're willing to do that I'd love for you to come over. If you feel like partying it up, you could call (Whoever).
Anyway, know that you have a choice and the freedom to put in less if that's all you're capable of doing. More is good, too, but you never have to expect 100% because what is is the real definition of that? It's kind of a story you make up in your own head about what "should be." The point is to do a little bit at least, which is, move forward and learn to face that desire to run, and sit with it. It's like having a panic attack at a movie theater. You may know that' going to the movies is a trigger, so you still go, saying to yourself, I'm going to sit here for a certain amount of time, knowing that my body will try to coerce me into running out. But I'm going to sit with that feeling and observe it. I'm going to sit here here with that feeling for 5 minutes. That's it. Then I can go.
I've found that I usually stay longer bc I have the choice.
Anyway, hopefully that helped some. One book that really helped me is Don't Panic. Even if you don't have panic attacks, it's helpful bc it teaches you how to stay put and deal with whatever is going on. Good luck.
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2011 : 20:02:10
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Hi HB,
I know I bang on about this a fair bit, but once you understand what I'm saying your life will change for the better.
Your life is a RESULT of what is happening inside your head!
I have found it extremely important to either ignore or sometimes challenge what is being said in my mind. You must understand that this stuff comes up and rarely conscious.
So why do you run from situations? What story or thinking habit pattern do you have? What are you saying inside ( THOUGHTS ) to yourself when things get hard and you FEEL you have to run?
Treat your mind like another person and make it see that it's opinion is rubbish, cause it usually is.....or just ignore it.
I'll give you an example
quote:
but I know that I will end up very lonely
WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL YOURSELF THIS???????
I'M certain that you have some amazing qualities that someone would love! WHY WHY WHY do you choose to focus on your flaws and punish yourself for them.......this is crazy behavior.....yet we've all done it.
Go and stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself every single day that you're amazing and men love me....THEN start to act in this way.
Being stubborn is not bad.....in fact being stubborn is essential to becoming successful. Edison was very stubborn....he failed ten thousand times before he made the light bulb.
My point???? It's all in your mind.....challenge, ignore and change the way you THINK. It's simply just PERSPECTIVE.....there are people on this earth that could step into your life and think nothing of your challenges. It's because they have different thought patterns. Some people go bankrupt and end up on the street and other bounce back and become millionaires.....WHY? Beliefs and thought pattern.
So to answer your question.....the way I handle stress is to change the thoughts in my head about the situation. I can handle anything, and I believe that God and the universe are helping me.....so what is there to stress about then? :-) Sure, things are difficult at times but I have food and place to sleep, my health, a working brain and I'm safe from harm.......what's to stress about??????
STOP focusing on what isn't working and start being grateful for what IS working.
neutralize the negative thought and the feeling will go away
hope this helps
D
One more thing.....you have to do this daily. Don't allow rubbish to multiply in your mind or you will certainly have suffering and pain
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Edited by - Darko on 03/24/2011 20:09:21 |
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Susie
USA
319 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2011 : 20:22:55
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| Darko, that was inspiring. |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2011 : 20:57:36
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Thanks Susie...hope it helps! It's nice to hear that, I sometime wonder if people get sick of reading my ramblings......but I ignore that thought and do it anyway :-)
D |
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healingback
United Kingdom
134 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2011 : 02:08:02
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Thanks everyone for the responses. I don't ever challenge what's going on in my head, I simply view it on such a big scale that it scares me and I run in the other direction or I completely shut down and forget it ever happened. To be honest I'm at the point where I'm sick of running, and yet I don't know how to face it. I've gone round and round in circles for years trying to fix myself, and invariably I decide that its to much hard work and concentrate on changing the outta layer, in the hope that it will change the outside. I do as pd245 said need to start seeing things in percentages and giving only what I want to. And as darko says I need to change the way I see things, change my reaction to them, and I guess this is all conditioning also. Darko you hit it on the head when you said focus on what is working not what isn't.... I only see the stuff that isn't working, in relationships I don't see all the great stuff that guys about, I just see and hold onto his negativities, I always see what I'm lacking not what I have.... I actuallly think sometimes even if I had everything would that even make me happy...
This to shall pass.... |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2011 : 04:27:12
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I once heard the best quote
"How you do anything is how you do everything" This certainly is an interesting concept.
So if you focus on the negative in a few areas on your life it's safe to assume you focus on the negative in ALL areas of your life.
How can you be happy, anxiety or stress free if you always focus on the negative?????!!!!
When you look at it this way TMS pain makes soooooo much sense.
We don't want to experience all the negative emotions.....yet we continually focus on the negative things in our lives.....so the mind must find a way to cope I guess.....PAIN.
We waste our lives trying to fix the "outside" without ever working on the "inside"......simply because it's too hard.
I worked on the outside for years and didn't get any real results.....now I work on the inside as best I can and the results are starting to show.
Can you change entirely the way you think today....no, but you can change one little thing each day. The trick is to identify and observe the polluted thought patterns of your mind....then and only then can you make the changes.
Is it easy...nope, will it be confronting.....yep. You can either do the work or live your life as it currently is.......
The first thing you need to understand is just because you're having a thought doesn't mean it's right or that it must be believed. If you really want to leap frog ahead then STOP BELIEVING YOUR THOUGHTS......they're just stories and beliefs constructed from experiences based in the past IN WHICH you only had %50 of the story (perspective) AT BEST. That is important to get
Try the following steps
1- develop your faith - believe that everything will workout ok in the end....this negates anxiety and stress.....and relaxes your nervous system
2- Focus your mind on the positive things in life, am I saying ignore the negative completely? NO I'm not saying that.....just don't dwell on it. See the negative, take action if you can and then drop it. Only concern yourself with the things you have influence over....don't worry about the rest cause it's pointless. Stop running the story over and over and over
3- Believe in YOURSELF! Develop your confidence. You can handle anything that comes along even TMS....nothing to worry about
4- stop listening to the garbage that is continually oozing from the mind. Say "thanks for sharing" and focus it on something else. Remember....no negative thoughts...no negative FEELINGS that you're trying to avoid......and no pain.
Phew....now I'm going out to get drunk
D
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2011 : 02:08:26
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Hey mate,
You're welcome! Yeah I think it's a great statement...... definitely worth considering....Have a good one.
D |
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how do you handle stress?
