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heelsdown
USA
49 Posts |
 Posted - 02/19/2011 : 12:26:15
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So, do any of you TMSers have decision making issues? I do. Especially when it comes to life changes. I analyze all the good and bad with each choice. Then I usually pick something. And then regret it, thinking about all the "bad" parts of it and thinking I should have picked something else. But I think this is just another form of tms, kind of. The obsessing and over thinking that comes with it. It definitely keeps my brain focused on something other than emotions.
How do you tms folks deal with big decisions (ie- one job vs. another, a big move someplace) or even little decisions (like which ice cream to buy). I cannot seem to stop over analyzing, worrying I'm making the wrong choice. Regretting choices. How do I just live and stop doing this?? Any decision making tactics to help stop over-thinking? |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2011 : 12:53:11
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Many of us put ourselves into no-win situations because we're just built to have some version of "buyer's remorse" no matter what we buy (or decide)...This has nothing to do with the merits of the decision. It's just who we are..Naturally, it gets more and more difficult to pull the trigger because we know that whatever we do, we're going to experience pain...
No great words of wisdom I'm afraid. Life is a series of decisions to make, what school, what to study, what occupation, what mate.... But I do believe we all have an inner voice, that is some part of ourselves that knows what's best. To the extent we can discover that voice, then find the will and discipline to listen to it, we're probably on the right track... |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2011 : 09:58:04
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Years ago I remember reading Lucinda Bassett's book (awakenings I think) and in it she describes how she allieviated her life of anxiety. One thing that I got out of it was too look for the "signs".
Any decision you have, you relax and look for the signs. If your'e car shopping for instance, pay attention to conversations with others, cars that you keep noticing on the street, perhaps you'll be thinking of a particular car you've had your'e eye on and at that exact time a commercial will appear with it. Those funny conincedences are real signs.
This is either being on the same frequency with the universe (the secret) or God working in your life, whichever you believe is fine. The point is the best decisions are the ones made when they feel right. If you look back on your life, do you feel the worst decisions were made when you did'nt feel right making them? If thats the case, then bad decisions can't be coincidence. Look for the signs, allow the "Law of Attraction" to work for you.
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kenny V
USA
268 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2011 : 11:07:20
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Yes it can be a problem if we let it be. Learn to live for the moment. and not sweat all the small stuff.
Now with BIG decisions example: Marriage, Job career change, relocating family, having children. Then of course Pray about it, talk about it to gain support, reason with other people about it, perhaps research it before making choice / decision / change and then once you make the right decision move on.
Stop living in the past and live a little more in the present and start to learn to let things go.
HTH
Kenny v
Always Hope For Recovery
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2011 : 13:32:10
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Signs, prayer, portents, tea leaves. Helpful for some I'm sure, but hard for me to believe the universe is in some way conspiring to help me decide what kind of car to buy.
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2011 : 15:45:22
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quote:
Originally posted by art
Signs, prayer, portents, tea leaves. Helpful for some I'm sure, but hard for me to believe the universe is in some way conspiring to help me decide what kind of car to buy.
Yeah really, It's like this book I keep hearin about, where the majority of back, neck, and shoulder pain is the result of tension and not from physical abnormalities, and some claim to have been cured just by reading it and nothing else. Hard for me to believe. |
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heelsdown
USA
49 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2011 : 20:31:13
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| Hmm, thanks guys. Not sure if much of that helps me though? Seems like I am supposed to look for "signs" or picky cherry garcia ice cream. Which I hate. haha. I don't pray. I'm not religious. Nothing ever "feels" right. I can't flip a coin and see how I feel about the answer. Because there are always good and bads in each for me. I just need to know how to stop over-analyzing and worrying about the "what ifs." What if I chose this? Or this? Will I regret it? What opportunities will be missed? I just... ahhh. I don't know. |
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2011 : 05:32:53
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quote:
I just need to know how to stop over-analyzing and worrying about the "what ifs." What if I chose this? Or this? Will I regret it? What opportunities will be missed? I just... ahhh. I don't know.
Ultimately, if a person does not have a religious or faith or "universe" inclination, then you have to go with your gut. I believe all humans have an innate ability for choice within -- the same autonomic "fight or flight" reaction that supposes TMS. |
Edited by - Back2-It on 02/21/2011 05:44:43 |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2011 : 10:27:58
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Heels,
Of course you're quite right to avoid superstition. If people want to pray than I'm not going to knock it, but even there it's hard for me to suppose God cares about every little decision I make. He'd have to be one busy guy...
I've a theory based on my experience on this forum, that many of us have OCD. Or at least, a tendency in that regard. More to the point, we tend to be very anxious people. Of course decisions are difficult for us. They're difficult for everyone, but all the more so for the anxiety-ridden.
If you want to stop second-guessing yourself, then the way to do that is to stop second guessing yourself. I know that sounds absurdly simplistic and way too easy, but there you have it. Make a decision, tell yourself that you did the best you could with the data you had, and simply let it go. Every time you start to ruminate, simply quit it. Breathe, yell STOP, engage in busy work. Whatever it takes.
As to the process itself, that's harder. But I think if you remove the pain at the end (the 2nd guessing and the remorse), you'll be less fearful..
Life is hard. Decisions are hard. No easy answers... |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2011 : 10:35:53
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quote:
Originally posted by heelsdown
Because there are always good and bads in each for me. I just need to know how to stop over-analyzing and worrying about the "what ifs." What if I chose this? Or this? Will I regret it? What opportunities will be missed? I just... ahhh. I don't know.
You are exhibiting the traits of a TMS PERFECTIONIST personality. It creates ambivalence and procrastination. You need to keep an open mind while coming to decisions about your choice. But, once you make THE CHOICE, close your mind, jump into the pool and don't look back. Make your choice for good or bad and let the chips fall where they may. It's better than sitting on the sidelines watching life pass by.
DR. SARNO'S 12 DAILY REMINDERS:
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=6415
TAKE THE HOLMES-RAHE STRESS TEST
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale
Some of my favorite excerpts from _THE DIVIDED MIND_ :
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2605
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"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurti
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Edited by - tennis tom on 02/21/2011 10:39:32 |
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kenny V
USA
268 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2011 : 11:23:00
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quote:
Ultimately, if a person does not have a religious or faith or "universe" inclination, then you have to go with your gut. I believe all humans have an innate ability for choice within -- the same autonomic "fight or flight" reaction that supposes TMS.
Yup go with yur gut… Called your conscious and you were given it for a reason. I guess to learn how to makes right choices for that matter.
If you choose to ignore it too long, it may eat ya up… Like they say its not what you ate that gives ya the ulcer.
But maybe its what inside that’s eating ya up.
Don’t worry be happy right …eat drink and be merry
Always Hope For Recovery
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heelsdown
USA
49 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2011 : 11:39:50
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Ok- those answers help a little more. And you're all right. Decisions are not easy, but especially for anxious folks like us (me!).
I like what you said art about how to stop second guessing! Haha, easier said than done! But I must try to make a choice and then put everything I have into it... I DO spend a lot of time watching life go by, tom, because I can't make a choice to do ANYTHING! Ambivalence and procrastination.... ME.
I also spend a lot of time thinking about how my choices will affect other people, or what other people think of me. It is SO tms.
And really, the more I think about it, the indecisiveness really is another form of tms, at least for me. I spend the same amount of time ruminating and looking things up on the internet relating to decisions that I did about pain. It just takes up my thoughts and is another way to distract myself. |
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2011 : 15:04:13
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kenny V...
quote:
Don’t worry be happy right …eat drink and be merry
How many hedonists of old had TMS? Ahhh for my old life of pillaging and destruction and no inhibitions. When was that old life? Maybe it should be the new life?
There is something to that quote. If more had followed the advice there would fewer contributors here, I'm sure.
Regarding decisions... from the great god Nike : Just do it!
You can always apologize later -- or not.  |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2011 : 18:28:16
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quote:
Originally posted by art
Life is hard.
My mom says this everytime we're around her.
And her life is hard.
And she's her own worst enemy
Ya get what you think is true. Kind of like TMS. |
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wrldtrv
666 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2011 : 20:05:22
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This reminds me of an incident many years ago. I was at The Depot (bookstore) in Mill Valley, CA about to purchase a book called, "Overcoming Indecisivenss. The guy at the counter who was about to ring up the sale, looked at the title and said, "Are you sure you want this book." "I think so" I said. "Are you really, really sure" he kidded.
I have always had this problem and it is simple anxiety. No big mystery. They say successful CEO's, who are used to making big decisions all the time are quick to make them, but slow to change them; whereas, anxious people are slow to make decisions, but quick to change them. That has certainly always been true for me. The most trivial decision can be extremely stressful. With the big decisions, I have been guilty of failing to choose at all and letting life decide for me. Or making an impulsive decision as though jumping off a cliff. Of course, I regret whatever decision I make immediately, sure I have made the wrong one.
It all comes back to inability to accept uncertainty; not a good trait in an uncertain world. |
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heelsdown
USA
49 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2011 : 23:55:42
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Interesting wrldtrv... a few months ago I bought a book called overcoming indecision at a used book store about an hour northeast of mill valley. The cashier wasn't quite as quick-witted though :)
And you just described me perfectly... very slow to make decisions, and very quick to change them! Or alternately, I make a last minute "jump off a cliff" decision before I even have time to ruminate and think about it. Oh anxiety. I need to work on this. I always want time to think about big decisions... but they are never easier whether I have had one day or one month to think about them.
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kenny V
USA
268 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2011 : 06:02:47
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Not sure if anything has helped or you just feel better discussing and going around in your inability to choose. But if you go back and re-read what you have asked, what was answered you can see the problem is the obsession rather than the how to make a good decision
Of course life is hard and all major decisions require rationalizing and counting the costs. But EZ decision making should not be a problem if you realize they are NOT life changing. It’s all perspective and perhaps the value of the decisions. If you have a problem with every consequence, than perhaps you may need to work on self esteem and confidence skills.
Hth
Originally you stated
quote:
The obsessing and over thinking that comes with it. It definitely keeps my brain focused on something other than emotions.
Need to point out the obsessing about it, becomes the over reacting emotion. (Hence creating an emotional experience)
If this is the big problem then you need to work on the skills NOT to obsess. At least on the small things
Again you may need to discern the difference between life changing decisions and choosing colors and flavors.
Remember some of the TMS work is taking the focus off the emotional component and learning to deal better with your response. Often times learning to think differently or changing your reactions. The only thing you may want to examine is the cycle you create with the obsession.
Hope that made some sense.
My Best
Kenny v
Always Hope For Recovery
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Edited by - kenny V on 02/22/2011 06:10:42 |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2011 : 06:20:17
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If you don't think life is hard Skiz, then all I can say is congratulations. You're one of the few. Check in again when you've lost your spouse of many years, or you get some terrible chronic illness.
"Life is Suffering" is one of the Four Noble Truths. In fact it's the first, so fundamental is it. It's the beginning of wisdom, and it seems to me a prerequisite for understanding and compassion.
No one's suggesting you sit around morosely in the face of life's inevitable pain and difficulties. But whistling past the graveyard is just another way to be afraid. |
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2011 : 06:57:03
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quote:
How do you tms folks deal with big decisions (ie- one job vs. another, a big move someplace) or even little decisions (like which ice cream to buy). I cannot seem to stop over analyzing, worrying I'm making the wrong choice
When I was younger the decisions, even the big ones were easier. Youth had time for mistakes. I started a business at 22 and then again in a different field at 26. I stepped off the cliff thinking "God will provide." And He did, along with my blood, sweat, toil and tears.
As I got older calcification set in -- just like an old herniated disc.
The status quo was easier to roll down the road, though the road was now filled with pot holes and warning signs. But being a creature of habit....
And any changes I made now I had to consider others who were obligated to me. Pressure.
One day the dam broke. My main block in changing left me. I was depressed for about two years, but had bounced back and was happy. Then more people got sicker and I had to spend time with that -- again for the fourth time. In the midst of this I rekindle the gone south relationship (now after 5 years) and lo and behold, nothing has changed.
I wake one morning, after a week of a night of worrying and obsessing about how to fulfull this person's out of main stream wishes and take care of the ever increasing demands of a sick uncle, with a heaviness on my right side. The heaviness progressed to back spasms and to test after test until a herniated disc was found mid back.
I lost the reflex ability I had as a youth to take decisions, that innate ability within us to choose for our preservation. TMS and some of the reading I've done is helping me cut through time and go back there.
Let's just be glad George Washington was not suffering from TMS; he thought that night looked as good as any for a cruise across the Deleware. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2011 : 10:55:11
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Skiz,
I'm merely pointing out the self-evident, that life is difficult. This doesn't mean one should sit around moaning and groaning about it. In fact, quite the opposite...
Without a basic acceptance of the suffering that is part and parcel of life, it becomes very difficult to maintain a healthy perspective when bad things do happen, which they surely will. If I feel tempted to get depressed because say, I can't go running today because I have an injury, I can simply remind myself that in the scheme of things, it's a ridiculously small problem...
Peace. Acceptance. Gratitude. These things are much easier with a frank understanding of the suffering inherent in all life...Human life is so sweet, and so precious, not because we're so happy all the time, but because it's short, and because it's fragile, and because all our attachments are temporary.
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Edited by - art on 02/23/2011 11:01:01 |
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Decision Making
