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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
 Posted - 01/19/2005 : 22:26:56
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Okay, now she's really not playing fairly. I think she put her son, the 13 year old, upto calling me. I got a voice message just a bit ago, and it was him asking why we weren't coming. He asked "Is something wrong. Please call me back." Oh, my Gosh! My husband says "You're going to have to deal with her, face it. That's why I would have just gone to the stupid thing and acted like everything was okay and then not talk to her again. It would have been a heck of a lot easier than this." Really. You don't say!
I'm taking my time thinking this over, since in my opinion if I am going to speak to her directly, there's no big rush. I'm going to do it at my own pace, when I'm good and ready. Why not. Two can play that game. There are times when you feel like emotionally you are just plain overloaded, and this is one of those times. My husband is freaking out about the fact that it's been two weeks full time at his new job and he hasn't closed a deal. I'm constantly trying to calm him down, but I wish someone would calm me down. Tomorrow morning I'm going to the dentist to get drilled. I figure I'm on a roll now, since I let them do two small fillings last week. Obviously, I still don't love going to the dentist but at least that fear has dropped down. However, I'm worried they're going to be asking for some type of payment and I just can't do it this week - no cash!
All of these things are giving my TMS a chance to have a party! Dizziness, stomach cramps, my recurrent eye problem, the weird "burning mouth" problem (or whatever the heck it is) and a massive headache. It's okay, though. It's really trying to grab my attention and pull it away from all these other troublesome issues.
Wish me luck through all of this. I'm really having a tough time and am starting to think I should have listened to my husband. Trying to be strong is so hard.
Laura
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 08:34:33
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Laura! Horrible that you are feeling so icky.
I agree that you need to do this at your own pace.
At the same time, though, it doesn't sound as if you're having a very peaceful time thinking and brewing about this situation, and knowing that you're going to have to deal with it sooner or later. Remember that Sarno says that anxiety can exacerbate any condition - and it sounds as if you're currently in high-anxiety mode, on top of feeling pissed at your friend and let down by your husband.
So far, you've done what was true to you, honest to you (which is brilliant). You didn't want to go to the bar mitvah, so you decided not to. That makes perfect sense to me, so why not continue in that vein?
You say that you need time to "think this over". That's totally fine, but I am wondering what exactly you're thinking about. Your friend has treated you badly and now she's putting pressure on you to respond to her. In your position, I'd be a) fuming and b) um, fuming again! I wonder if the "thinking it over" is actually a way for you to express your anger passively? Silence is a great way of telling someone you're pissed off with them!
This isn't about "playing a game" with your friend (which is a metaphor you use twice in your post). The only thing that matters right now is that you feel better as soon as possible. I absolutely agree that you have the right to sit on this as long as you want, but is that really helping you?
I can tell you from long experiece that my dizziness goes through the roof when I know I've got to deal with something (or, more precisely, someONE) and I'm putting it off. I'm anxious, and furious that I have to deal with this situation at all, and the whole thing snowballs into a huge pile of TMS dizzy!
The only thing that works for me when I'm feeling like that is to take some action - to DO something that gets me out of my own head and moves me towards a resolution of the situation.
It appears that your friend isn't going to go away. And, understandably, you don't want to talk to her about it. However, you are currently expressing that anger through your silence, so why not express it in a way that allows you to actually get rid of some of it?
Such as, writing her a letter being really honest (and as non-accusatory as possible) about the way you feel. (This would be a letter that you mail her, by the way!) I think it's perfectly fine to let her know that you're hurt and angry, and that you'd decided that bar mitvah would be too stressful for you. You don't need to tell her what a shocking non-friend she's been and how this is all her fault, etc etc, but it seems to me that you DO need to let some of the steam out of the saucepan. And you're doing it for you - NOT FOR HER. You're not trying to make her feel guilty or bad, or get her back in your life - you're just getting some of this stuff out of your system, explaining why you decided not to attend, and letting her know how her behaviour has made you feel over the last few months. You can even tell her that you don't want to talk to her about it, and please not to call you: you'll call her as and when you decide to talk to her again.
I know you've told her this before, but heck, it sounds like she is truly oblivious - what do you have to lose by doing it again? Those feelings are stewing inside you, and I think they need to be expressed. This way you get to depressurize AND you're being true to yourself, and I suspect that you might even feel calmer and a bit less dizzy.
Hilary |
Edited by - Hilary on 01/20/2005 08:40:30 |
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 10:12:54
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| Laura, I just caught up with your situation and I fully agree with Hillary in everything she wrote. You need to unload or start walking into walls. No contest there.... To be honest, your "friend" seems to have no clue as to how hurt she has made you. If she didn't really care about you though, why all the calls? If I were her, and didn't value the friendship, I would be glad you refused the invitation and then would leave it at that. Maybe - just maybe, she's a totally insensitive, selfish person who really likes you. Now, if you refuse to continue the relationship with someone that shallow, fine. But you must deal with her at some level - just to alleviate what it is doing to your head - literally. Something tells me that if you spoke to her and she expressed surprise and sorrow for hurting you, your dizziness would diminish instantly. Maybe, it's worth giving it a try. Afterall, all we want is to be loved and cared about. Something we've been shortchanged on in our lives. Think about it. Gina |
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Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 10:18:14
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Laura,
She doesn't sound like much of a friend. Friends come and go, and sometimes they fade away. Not calling for 5 weeks is not a very good friend. If you did most of the arranging for get-togethers, and she didn't do any, then she's not a very good friend.
I had a "friend" for years that I worked with. When I switched jobs, she never called, even though I called frequently and made dates for lunch, etc. I finally stopped calling, like you, to see how long it would take. After 2 years I finally called her. We had dinner, it was great, and I told her I'd like to keep getting together and stay friends. Once again, I was making the plans and doing the calling. I made the EFFORT. So once again I stopped calling and after gosh, 8 months, I sent her an email that said that friendship is a two-way street and both people need to make an effort at the friendship. I wished her well, told her maybe we'd see each other in passing, sent it, and then deleted her name from my address book. I haven't heard from her since, and don't expect to.
Laura, you probably have lots of other friends. If not, sit down and write a list of women you are acquainted with and would like to get to know better. Ask them to lunch, or to have a cocktail, or something. Friends are important - but not friends like the one you've described!
Been there, done that, glad I let go.
Good luck! |
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 10:18:18
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| Hi Hilary, Your advice to Laura was simply awesome!!!! Couldn't have expressed it better myself. It demonstrated exactly how us "dizzy girls" get into the dizzy mode. Great insight!!!Gina |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 10:26:12
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Laura,
Hilary, Ginag, and Michele, expressed it very well. You need to get some resolution for your sake. This is one of those situtations you may need to take head-on and call her to explain your feelings or a letter you send. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 12:06:42
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Thanks, Gina, Hilary, Michelle and TT,
I love you guys!!! Thanks for your responses. Don't know what I'd do without you all.
Last night, when the emotions were really starting to fester and I felt like I couldn't take much more, I sat down and composed a letter to her explaining my feelings. I tried to make it as unaccusatory (is that a word??) as possible but still get my point across. My blasted printer cartidge is empty so I'm off to get a new one. I intend to print this thing and get it out today. Dealing with her on the phone would be much too difficult; I know because I've tried it before. It turns into a big fight and nobody wins. I always forget half the things I wanted to say and the things I do want to say never come out right. I'm a much better writer than I am a speaker, especially when it's something as emotionally charged as this situation.
Gina, in your post you said "If she really didn't care about you, why all the calls..." That's the funny part. I know her very well and her son and his needs are THE most important thing in the world. (Their son has been babied so much, when he was seven years old she was still giving him his "ba, ba" i.e. bottle at night and laying down with him to get him to sleep). I think that first of all, she doesn't want to disappoint him, and secondly, it would probably be embarrassing to her if we didn't show up because then she'd have some explaining to do to everybody who knows our family and knows how close we were. Believe me, I've thought long and hard about this and I truly feel that she just doesn't know how to be a friend. Friends (best friends no less) don't stop calling one another for nearly a month and a half. Michelle hit the nail on the head. Friends return calls and it doesn't take leaving them four or five messages to get them to do so. Friends don't brag about all the great stuff they're doing with everyone else BUT you and let you know you've been excluded (and replaced). It's all about image with these people. In fact, about a year ago, I remember a conversation with her husband (the biggest showoff I've ever met) wherein he and my husband were talking about bar and bat mitzvahs. He said to my husband "its all about the party" to which my husband replied, "No, it's actually not. It's about the act of getting up there and reading from the Torah and becoming adult under the Jewish law." Her husband, in his usual cocky, arrogant attitude said "You're wrong. It's ALL about the party." That's his mentality. It's not about their son and HIS day. It's about his parents ability to afford a lavish party and show their friends how much cash is rolling in. Trust me. I know these people. And their arrogance has been passed down to their kid, because everything is about competition with us. When my husband got a BMW, his dad got a Lexus. Then, my kids were forced to hear "My dad's car is faster than yours." When they got a new computer, it was "Our computer is faster than yours." And, my personal favorite, was when the kid said "My dad's penis is bigger than yours." I had to laugh at that one. I told my daughters they should have asked "How do YOU know? Have you actually seen it?"
Her phone call to me a couple nights ago was just one excuse after the other. It was "I've been busy planning the bar mitzvah" and "I've been taking my mother around on her errands" and on and on. Those are all excuses. I told her, in my letter, that she is not the only one who is "busy." I told her that I, too, am planning a bat mitzvah, three months after hers. I told her that she is not the only one with an ailing parent; my Dad is undergoing all sorts of tests right now due to recurrent chest pain which radiates up his arm and into his jaw. I told her that in order to have a friend, you need to be a friend. I said it all. It's not mean, but is definitely to the point. I didn't beat around the bush. Now I've just got to send it off.
By the way, I didn't go to the dentist this morning as planned. I developed a cold, which started yesterday. After a sleepless night with a stuffy nose and sore throat, I decided it was best to wait until next week. I'm slightly bummed about this, as I really want to get this dental stuff behind me. I was mentally prepared and now I had to miss it. Anyway, wondering if any of you read the post about Louise Hay's book, Heal Your Life? Check it out if you haven't already. Baseball65 and a few others have found Miss Hay's words to ring true. Like I said before, under Dizziness it says "Flighty, scattered thinking. A refusal to look." That's me! Tennis Tom found what it said about his TMS equivalent to be true as well. And, get this, under Colds it says "Too much going on at once. Mental confusion. Small hurts." HELLLOOOO!! Just the other day, I told my husband my brain hurts from all the stuff that's going on inside of it. Husband with new job and no check yet, friend making me crazy, father calling me 24/7 about his heart condition.....
Thanks for listening you guys! You're the best.
Laura
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 13:42:43
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Hi Laura - The description you provided of your "friend and her family" confirms my suspicion that they are so wrapped up in themselves that they couldn't be "good" friends to ANYONE. I truly think she cares about you as a friend as much as she POSSIBLY CAN. Which, obviously, isn't much. But I believe it has nothing specific to do with you. Right now, she's probably all involved in impressing her new friends; and since she already has you as a friend, you don't merit any further attention in that area. Again, I am almost sure she ultimately and eventually treats all her "friends" in that shoddy manner. It's her tremendous insecurity and her compulsion to hide it. That's who she is. If you can accept this explanation, you will begin to understand her behavior. Then, you will not take it so personally, and the dizziness may subside. Believe me - I've had "friends" like that also. And when I finally realized that they were in worst shape than me, the pain and anger dissipated. I've always told me sons not to expect much from friends, and they won't be disappointed. Right now your relationship with her is too disturbing and you really need to resolve it one way or the other. Hoping all our thoughts help you sought out what's best for you.
Gina |
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 13:44:55
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And Laura, By the way, I hope you know you brought on that cold all by your little ole self!!!! You didn't REALLY want to go to the dentist.....I've done that to myself countless times. Amazing....
Gina
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 17:03:17
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Gina,
You very well may be right. My husband said the same thing this morning, although I got mad at him for saying it. He always thinks everything can be psychological for me but never for himself. He's stressed about not making money so all of a sudden his stomach is "burning" and he thinks he has an ulcer. When I mention Sarno, he says it doesn't apply to him (it only applies to me and my problems - isn't that funny?)
I tend to think that it's "too much going on...mental confusion" like I spoke of in Louise Hay's book. I really do want to get going already on my dental work, and last week gave me the confidence I need to do so. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I must admit I as bummed out this morning. Whenever you mentally prepare yourself for something, it's nice to be able to follow through and complete it. Now, it's on the back burner till next week or whenever I'm feeling better. I told the dental office to not even set me an appointment for next week. I'd rather they just call me if they have an opening and I'll come right over, with no time to think about any of it. The anticipation is the worst part.
I can't imagine having dental work done today. I've sneezed about eight thousand times and used up half a box of tissue. Aaaahhhhchooooo!
Laura
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2005 : 18:34:35
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Laura,
Great that you wrote the letter. Make sure you get it in the mail tomorrow, and let us know as soon as you've done so! This is really important: you need to get this over and done with.
As you so wisely say, anticipation IS the worst part, and you're currently in an anticipatory limbo situation with both your friend AND the dentist! Deal with 'em one at a time, but don't let this drag on any longer.
Love, Hilary |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2005 : 09:22:15
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Well, I wrote it but still haven't sent it. Both my black and color ink cartridges were empty so I ran to two different stores to try to find it (not fun the way I was feeling, sneezing over and over and head blocked up). Once home, I installed it but I still can't get the printer to work. It says that it cannot print because "color ink is empty." Go figure. I never knew you had to have ink in both cartridges in order to get one of them to work. I even asked my husband to see if he could figure it out and he said "You can't use it until we buy a color ink cartridge." That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Anyway, I'm flat broke and shouldn't have spent the $30 for the first one so it's doubtful I'll be treking out today to get the second one.
In the meantime, here's the latest. Her son somehow got my 12 year old daughter's screen name (he's never talked to her online before) from somebody and began instant messaging my poor daughter last night. He was drilling her on "Why aren't you coming" and "Why hasn't your mom called my mom back yet? My mom left her a message two days ago." The dysfunction has definitely filtered down to the son.
My husband, upon hearing this and seeing me let the answering machine get all the phonecalls for the past two nights, says he feels "like a prisoner in my own home." Last night, we got into it again because he said "You just need to call her and deal with her already. If you don't, I'll answer the phone and I'll talk to her." (She only called once) I told him to "butt out" and let me handle this. I also told him that since it was rare I ever heard from her to begin with and that it took her nearly six weeks to call me (and only then it was because she received the RSVP), I didn't think I owed her the courtesy of "hurrying up" and responding. I told him "If I do decide to call her, it will be when I'm ready to call her." Of course, I never told him that I typed her a letter and had planned on sending it. He would just try and talk me out of it. He and I disagree about writing letters. I usually try to handle situations like this over the phone but I think there are some times when a letter is the way to go, and this is one of those times. There are so many things to say, and I know I won't say them right or will forget them on the phone. Also, with a letter, you are stating you position and telling the other person how you feel without getting interrupted and without it escalating into a huge fight. I really felt I NEEDED that chance.
Then, I e-mailed another close friend of mine and asked her what she thinks of the whole thing. She is the one who originally said to send the card and don't give an explanation because I don't owe her one. I got an e-mail back from her this morning and she said definitely do not engage on the phone and definitely do not write her a letter. She feels that just by writing the letter (and I could burn it) that I'm getting my feelings out. But by engaging with this person, I'm just feeding into her neuroses. She said "She is trying to grab your attention and when you don't give it to her, she'll eventually get it." I tend to agree but there is still a part of me that wants to send the letter. It does feel pretty powerful to just say NOTHING, you know? My friend says if I do eventually run into her somewhere, just say hello and don't engage in any conversation or offer any explanations as to why you didn't go. I trust this friend, as she is very level headed and always gives me really good advice. I think she has a valid point.
So, as it stands now I have the letter saved on my computer but have no means of printing it. And, I have the advice of a very dear friend who says it's a mistake to feed into this woman's neuroses and to just say and do nothing.
Thank you, Hilary, for your sweet thoughts. I WILL get the dental thing over with next week if I ever stop sneezing, coughing, and blowing my nose. Usually I can knock a cold out pretty quickly so I told them to call me next week and if I'm better I'll shoot on over and get my fillings done. Can't imagine a sore mouth and jaw in addition to this nasty head cold.
In the meantime, I'm going to go rest and put all this nonsense out of my mind. Unil next time!
Laura
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2005 : 11:11:16
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Laura,
Silence IS powerful. And very, very angry. Your silence is provoking an extreme reaction in her, and on some level I'd imagine your psyche is - well, not unhappy about that.
Like it or not, it's very clear to me that the two of you are still very strongly attached. And I get the feeling from your post that you are being pulled in a million different directions, as each new person gives you a new opinion. That can be very confusing.
Here's another opinion. It occurs to me that if your daughter is now being pulled into this, it really is time to take action.
No, you don't owe your friend an explanation. No, you don't have to say anything to her. But the thing is, this isn't just between you and your friend: it appears that it now involves your entire family. Your daughter is now part of an argument that has nothing to do with her, and that's very difficult for a 12-year-old.
If it still feels right to send the letter, just do it. If the printer's not working, either email her or write it out longhand and put it in the mail! It doesn't have to win the Pulitzer Prize for letter-writing - it just has to explain to her what you're feeling.
And who cares if you "feed into your friend's neurosis"? Do you think that your silence isn'tfeeding into it? And so what if you do feed into it - it's her neurosis, not yours!
Get out of your friend's head and life and into yours. I mean, good grief: we're all neurotic and dysfunctional to some degree, and we have enough work to do figuring out our own neuroses and dysfunctions without trying to work out others'. I get the impression that you feel that writing to her somehow weakens your position - that you're somehow giving her something, or letting her off the hook by "giving her an explanation". But it's not about that! Again, you're not writing to her for HER sake - you're doing it for YOURSELF. You're doing it to express yourself to her, and to get her off your back. Let her react to it however she reacts. HEr reaction isn't your problem. Her neurosis isn't your problem. When it comes down to it, she isn't really your problem, either!
I'd still encourage you to do something to bring this to closure, because in my experience avoiding phonecalls or instant messages is extremely stressful and is only going exacerbate your symptoms.
At the end of the day, I guess the quesion is: what do you want to accomplish here? If you want her to stop calling, the quickest and easiest way to make that happen is to let her know what's going on with you. Writing and burning a letter may help you express yourself, but it's not going to stop your friend from calling you or her son from emailing your daughter - and you're going to continue to feel angry every single time she does. And of course, if you want to punish her (which I would think on some level you DO - by the way I think this is a perfectly appropriate emotional response), silence is definitely one way of achieving that but bear in mind that you may end up punishing yourself and your family as well.
(Or, you could just burn her house down - but that takes a ton of organization and planning and can get kinda messy!)
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Edited by - Hilary on 01/21/2005 11:41:33 |
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Carol
91 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2005 : 11:55:21
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Hilary, Amen to your entire post!
Laura, I don't think you are ever going to get this monkey off your back until you engage your friend in a definitive conversation, whether by letter or telephone, or e-mail, or whatever! Only you can know what the entire situation is, and only you can resolve it, but ducking telephone calls, having your family involved, and dodging e-mails can only prolong the stress and anger! Good luck to you. I'm hoping that soon we get a happier post about this malignant friendship. You deserve that. You have enough stress in your life for three people, and this you do not need!
Carol |
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2005 : 12:44:49
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PS Laura - one final point I wanted to make is that, as far as "engaging" with your friend goes, writing or speaking to her isn't going to change that one iota because RIGHT NOW, as we "speak", you are already completely engaged with her. You are absolutely hooked into her by expressing your rage silently - and guess what, it's resulted in her engaging with you far more fully than she has over the last few months.
I REALLY hope you find a way of ending this unpleasant chapter in your life quickly, because I can't imagine the anxiety it's causing you and your family. Good luck! |
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Ginag
51 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2005 : 14:36:55
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Laura - I'm so glad Hilary joined our forum - she says everything I would have said if I had responded first. I firmly agree that by letting your friend know how you feel is NOT giving her power but rather it is empowering YOU. It's pretty obvious, Laura, that you are greatly hurt by this girl; and nothing less than complete unburdening of your emotions will release you from this dizzying relationship. Riding it out in angry silence is unsatisfying in the long run. You truly need to unload. Let the chips fall where they may but at least you will know where you stand in the "friendship." Good Luck.
Gina |
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Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2005 : 15:46:40
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She's involving the family now? Good grief, I'd say it's time to get on the phone. Put a piece of paper in front of you that says,
"Hello ___________. I'm calling to let you know that I'm not going to the party because I don't care to go. Now please stop calling my house and do not bother my family. Have a nice party."
Then hang up, close the door on that chapter, and wait for the window to open up with some new GREAT friends!  |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2005 : 18:58:35
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Laura,
This situation feels very uncomfortable the way it is now with your whole family being dragged into it. I especially feel sorry for both kids who are now being involved and for your husband.
It is not your friends son's fault nor your daughter's that they are party to all this drama and even though you may want to lay blame at her door, you too are responsible in part for this ongoing saga.
My husband, upon hearing this and seeing me let the answering machine get all the phonecalls for the past two nights, says he feels "like a prisoner in my own home." Last night, we got into it again because he said "You just need to call her and deal with her already. If you don't, I'll answer the phone and I'll talk to her." (She only called once) I told him to "butt out" and let me handle this.
You are creating a strained and unhealthy atmosphere at home by not letting people get the phone which is not fair on them and I for one sympathise with your husband on this one. It's almost like you are getting paranoid and obsessive about the whole situation. This will only put enormous strain on your relationship with family members at a time when you probably need their support most. You say you told your husband to butt out and that you would handle the situation. Are you handling it or are you just putting it on hold which is the impression I am getting from your last post .
I may be wrong and please forgive me if I am but from your posts, I feel that you need this friendship more than the other person and that it is really hurting you to see it end. You are obsessing about it. Well what can I say except that sometimes people need to move on even best friends. Quite often old friendships exist on a new and completely different level quite comfortably depending on circumstances and how that friendship evolves over time.
Involving others, asking for their opinions about whether you should do it this way or that IMO just complicates things.
It is time to take the bull by the horn. I don't think it is fair or right that your whole family and even your friend's son who is probably an innocent in all of this have to be sucked into this quagmire of drama and atmosphere. It is primarily YOUR FRIENDSHIP AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP so deal with it and resolve it however YOU think is the best way for YOU with swiftness and dignity for the sake of the kids and your husband. Give it closure and move on.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 01/21/2005 19:07:18 |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2005 : 20:53:15
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Mala,
Um, thanks for the input but the situation has been handled. Boy, you sure don't mince words, do you? Actually, I didn't drag anybody into anything. That was an unfortunate consequence of my decision to not go to the party. When my friend received the card, she was shocked and dumbfounded and therefore she left me a message. As for her "innocent" son, gimme a break! First of all, he's not that innocent I've got news for you! Secondly, SHE involved her son and put him upto calling ME, not the other way around. In fact, my telling my daughters to let the machine get the phone was my way of keeping them shielded. I know how she operates and I suspected she would put him upto something like that. By not engaging on the telephone, I felt I would keep them shielded.
As far as dragging my husband and two daughters into this, I didn't. When you are part of a family, like I am, sometimes your kids have to see you go through some things that are difficult and that's okay. Life is not always a bed of roses, and beating myself up for the fact that her son called my daughter and sent her a computer message isn't going to help anyone, especially someone with TMS like me. I think seeing what I've gone through makes my daughters realize that you should choose your friends wisely. I also try to teach them to have self-respect and not put up with any crap. I mean, it's not like they witnessed a murder for goodness sake! Three days of my screening phonecalls isn't going to cause my children emotional damage, I'm quite sure of that.
As far as me being "to blame for this ongoing saga" I beg to differ. As I said, I think using one's child to serve the purpose of peace maker was a poor decision. If I'm at fault for anything here it is simply this: Asking too many people for their opinion.
While I appreciate everybody's input, ultimately it was me who needed to decided WHEN I was ready to either call this person, write the letter, or do nothing. Unfortunately, I asked for too many people's opinions and, as Hilary so wisely put it, I ultimately felt "pulled in a million directions as each new person gives you a new opinion. That can be very confusing." All I was looking for from this forum was some input so that I could formulate the right decision for ME.
Frankly, I'd like to move on now to more important things in my life. I think this situation has already taken up way too much time and energy. The problem has been handled so thank you for your concern and your input.
Laura
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Laura
USA
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Posted - 01/21/2005 : 21:14:55
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Hilary, Gina and Michelle,
Thanks for your wonderful posts.
Michelle, you are a kick in the pants. You really crack me up. That's not exactly what I did, but I did handle the situation.
Gina - Thanks for the encouragement. I'll send you an e-mail.
Hilary - Thank you, thank you, thank you! You hit the nail right on the preverbial head! I love your posts and find them to be extremely helpful.
I was really confused and I know I brought it upon myself from asking for too many opinions. You were right on about that! My friend who gave me the advice to so nothing and let the machine get the calls, and so on - she doesn't have TMS so for her to do that is probably no problem. What works for some may not work for others. However, I do agree with her advice to a point since having those couple of days to reflect until I talked to my friend were very helpful.
So, the end result of this is that I spoke with this person for 45 minutes about this situation. I was very calm, cool and collected and I am proud of the way I handled the situation. I listened to her and a some of the things she said I agreed with. However, many of the things I did not agree with. I didn't yell or swear or act disrespectful in any way. I simply explained my FEELINGS about her behavior towards me and our relationship in the past 6-12 months. At one point, I told her that I honestly do not think we can remain friends because this friendship is just too painful. I told her that like some marriages that simply cannot work, sometimes friendships are the same way.
She did acknowledge that she was sorry for not including me in the planning of the bar mitzvah, because I told her how hurt I was when I saw her meeting with all those other women and I had been excluded. We both recalled how much I had asked her opinion when I was planning our first daughter's bat mitzvah and that leaving me out was a little odd. I will give her credit for that. However, when she turned things around and said that I hadn't been supportive of her I was a tad defensive because that's a crock of crap! I reminded her of all the ways I HAVE been supportive of her and then she realized I was right and backed off. I apologized to her for any hurt I have caused her (Apparently, she was sad when she saw me out with a friend having dinner) but explained that like her, I also have other friends that I enjoy spending time with.
I won't go into every minute detail of our discussion. Let's just say we agreed to talk again tomorrow. We both agreed that some relationships don't work out and that some relationships come to an end. Even if we must part ways, I'll be okay. I feel better that we talked and I'm not dodging her phonecalls anymore.
I think I'm all talked out for today, especially on this subject. Thank you again, Hilary. I did appreciate your posts.
Laura
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Am I going crazy???
